AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

[PettyGamePlaying]

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

You sound like an absolute martyr. You don't HAVE to do any of this stuff, you're choosing to. Sometimes the choice is between 2 things you don't want to do (hosting Christmas vs not) but you still have the choice of which one you take.

Personally I make the choices which don't end up with me fuming, fed up, burnt out, complaining about my lifein order to keep everyone around me "happy". Guess what, the world didn't cave in and my friends and family are still around.

Why can't PIL host?

This could work out well.
You have the PIL this year, she has them next and alternate from then on in so then you never have to host SIL again.
Don't let the SIL colour your view of all the rest of the family.

I think the best thing that you can do is to forgot all this, as it's toxic. Forget it all. Before Christmas send out a mass message to say, we re no longer doing gifts, so please don't buy for us and our children. If people ask what you're doing for Christmas, say just a quiet one this year. You could even have an unusual one e.g. curry on the day or something, that will put people off from wanting to spend it with you! It's a neat trick that my bil likes to do! Which works!

Think about it, her "punishment" actually works out better for you. SIL saves £20. You save a whole lot more including your own time and effort. Win win! Stick an extra £20 in DC's money box with your "saving" if that helps you feel they haven't missed out.

And stick to your guns about not hosting Christmas! I bet it's you who does the work rather than your DH.

I was going to post but toothybitch said all I wanted to say

From an ex-muggins 🌻

I would leave the present buying to DH instead, it’s his sister (or his brother’s wife) I assume?

YABU to feel entitled to presents of any kind for your kids from her though, just is she IBU to feel entitled to any kind of present from you.

Sorry. MRS toothybitch

I note that you won't ever be buying SIL a gift again so at least there is one positive to her pettiness. And why were you bothering buying before now? It should have been your Dh and if he couldn't be bothered then it wouldn't have been your issue if she was in strop. You need to cut out the wifework! Let him look after his side of the family.

As for Christmas, you've told Dh you are not hosting so let that be the end of it. Don't back down. Surely his parents are capable of cooking a dinner for themselves. Do they ever invite you to their house?

“Dear SIL, I’m so pleased we’ve decided to stop swapping presents. It’s so much better for the environment (and for our pockets). If anything it’s made us realise how much Christmas has got out of hand and how stressful it is to keep hosting every year, so we’re going to dial it right back and just have Christmas her for me, DW, and the kids. I think it’ll be a lot more relaxed for everyone.”

Then get your DH to send it. It’s his family, not yours.

She sounds a bit annoying but you wanted to stop doing presents, and she has agreed and done as requested. That's good isn't it?

Thought I should add that I have done the same thing as my advice earlier. I no longer buy presents for anyone apart from my children and husband. I started it 4 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did. I used to host for all the ones that asked to come. But I got annoyed at washing, cleaning, cooking and hosting for a bunch of drunk men (fil & bils), all day and night! They never seemed to know when to go home. I literally felt like a slave. I just snapped 8 years ago one Christmas, and said never again. Now I say, " I don't know what my plans are" (Im waiting to see if I'm going to parents or a friend) until literally the week before Christmas, then I explain how its going to be a quiet one with just us. Sometimes I say its not a traditional turkey dinner, as we fancy doing something different. No-one seems to want to come to that, as it seems boring. Also my husbands more supportive now. If someone outright asks for an invitation, he'll say, "that's not fair on beautiful, because she never gets any help." I love my husband.

I agree with everyone else. Stop buying her anything. Let Dh but for his family. Stop hosting unless your dh does all the prep and cooking, cleaning but if he isn't up for that then tell him no, you are not hosting.

Why isn’t your DH running around in the arse end of nowhere buying spa vouchers or beauty boxes?

Why isn’t your DH shopping, cleaning, cooking and hosting Christmas for his family?

Forget SIL, tell your husband that you’re leaving her and PIL’s all to him to sort out from today going forward.

As a PP said this is a win-win for you. So what if your kids don’t get a £20 bung from their auntie? You’re saving hundreds by not pandering to her any more.

Grow a backbone and tell your DH that you’re out and it’s all his responsibility from today

I agree with you that she sounds very transactional. But when somebody gives me something I have that, crap, do I owe you now? feeling! (well, if I feel they are transactional).

So I'd be relieved she hadn't given your dc twenty pound each.

tell her not doing presents this year!

You don't HAVE to host. The world won't stop turning, nobody will catch fire.

Just disengage from the nonsense. Nothing you can do or say will be enough for a middle-aged brat, so why bother? Don't sink to their level and get petty or passive-aggressive about it, or about changing your plans. Or to put it another way, don't wrestle with a pig. You both get covered in shit but moreover the pig likes it.

@Blossomtoes

Thing about games is that most of them need more than one player. There’s no game any more if you refuse to engage. Well done, that woman! Stick to your guns.

Oh goodness, @Blossomtoes. I think I need to laminate this. Thanks.

@PettyGamePlaying. This is really annoying, but now you have been freed from the tryanny of traipsing round getting speshul things for your speshul Pwincess SIL.

Look on the brightside. Don't be drawn in again if they try to start it up again at a later point.

We stopped doing adult presents and my single, no children sister was told that she didn't have to buy for the children. I think children should be bought for, but it's personal choice.

YABU about your DH's parents. She is entitled to go on holiday, or go to her in-laws. Then it's a joint decision and effort to have or not, his parents.

Why when women want to do what they want at Christmas does every other woman in the family turn on her? This is how this Martyr shit keeps on going.

Turn it around to your advantage Op. Next time you speak/call etc say "It's sooo much better not having to stress about presents isn't it? thanks for taking the initiative. It's all rather silly isn't it?" and offer your biggest smile. Act as if you are really grateful and that she has made the decision to go present-free for all of you. That's what I would do.

WRT Chritsmas Day, just say you aren't doing it and don't explain. "I do it every year and I need a break" should cover it.

1. Don't buy for your DHs side of the family. He can sort their shit out (wish I'd done that when I was married)
2. Don't host unless you absolutely want to and it is reciprocated.

Then all of the above stops being your problem and you don't need to deal with the agro.
Problem solved :)

I just wouldn't even engage. Leave it to your husband.

Some people are just dicks

But you are now free! You don't have to buy her anymore presents

And tell them when you want to host Xmas no one wants to do it every year unless it's for people they actually love

I never understand why women take on these extra mental loads and infantilise husbands/allow men to be so passive about something that is clearly their responsibility.

See unlike lots of the others I wouldn't contact her about Christmas
and present protocols - I'd tell your husband he needs to do it. I do think the ideas for a text/email about not hosting and no presents now kids are older is a a good idea, just that he does it not you. His family, his issue. And if he wants to buy her something to keep the peace, he does it.

Now I know that's breaking 30 years of habit and expectations but if not this charade goes on forever. The pandemic has given us all excuses to get out of long standing bad habits and unfair divisions of duties. Have the Christmas you bloody want. Who cares what selfish SiL thinks.

If he won't do anything about it, then tell him you won't be organising Christmas at your place or buying gifts. If he wants to host and buy presents it's on him to make the arrangements, buy the food and take the lead on the cooking. You'll 'help' as requested and organise any arrangements to see your side of the family and sort out the children's presents. If he doesn't tell them you are not hosting this year, it's on him if they assume and turn up on the day to find you in your PJ's eating crisps with a chicken for 4 in the oven.

This is one area my ExH and I never disagreed on. Mainly as my family are so dysfunctional I had no idea about all these mad in-law obligations from The Wife and it never crossed my mind to take it on. There would be a brief conversation in November about 'are we spending it at yours, or mine or just us?'. Decision made and communicated. That was it.

You do know men are perfectly capable of buying gifts for their own family and if they are too lazy decide not to, again, they are capable of dealing with any petty consequences?

I fell into the same, being helpful, trap as you during the first couple of years after we moved in together but knocked it on the head quickly when I realised I didn't want involved in his family politics.

Best thing I ever did was abdicate any responsibility for dh's family gifts - which basically meant they rarely got anything. You know what...they got over it when they only had their own bro/son to complain to/about. I appreciated it when they gave ds gifts, but again not something that upset me when they didn't, that was between dh and his family.

Similarly, don't host people in your home if they don't reciprocate or if even if you just don't want to. If your dh wants to host he does the work.

I went NC with my SiL 20 years ago and I must say its worked out splendidly for us both. Try it.