Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

No personal experience but what about a handcast of the 2 of them holding hands. Something physical that she can have afterwards?

From friends who lost parents as teenagers I’d say just keep talking about him as much as possible afterwards. What hurt them the most was not feeling able to talk about the deceased parent for fear of upsetting the remaining one.

I would say there are no 'shoulds' in these circumstances. There's no path to follow and that can be scary. Never feel you are not doing enough - you don't necessarily have to do anything to be someone's rock. How much does your DD know and understand of what is happening?

Who can you turn to for support in RL?

Afterwards I needed my dad to let me talk about my mum. It wasn't something he was able to do, so it was as though she became a forbidden subject. As an adult I understand that's because it was too painful for him, but I didn't understand that when she died, I just wanted to be able to talk about her.

I also think that there was an expectation that I would grow up very quickly/was already an adult, so I missed out those last few years of being a child. I needed my dad to allow me to continue being young.

I’m so sorry OP. Have you looked at the Ruth Strauss Foundation? I think they have some good resources for helping children facing the death of a parent.

I will have no problem talking about DH at all, at least I don’t think I will, it will be a comfort to me too I hope.

I am very concerned about his death being the end of DDS childhood, and will definitely make an effort not to have her role suddenly change with new unexpected responsibilities that she is not ready for.

Thank you so much, this is incredibly helpful, just being able to talk about it

I don’t really have anyone in RL I can talk about this sort of thing with.. most of my friends and family are also so devastated by what’s happening that when I want to talk about stuff like this they quite understandably find it very difficult and most just don’t know what to say

My DH passed away suddenly 3 years ago .
DC were 10 and 11.
We have always talked about him .. watches videos and kept his memory alive .
I have always tried to take them out or do things that I know he wanted to do as a family .
My DC still love to listen to his favourite music or watch his favourite films

Make sure they have an outlet, lots of support and people to talk to. Always be open and willing to discuss their feelings and your own. Keep counselling as an option for them even if they don’t feel they need it straight away.

My parent died when I was 15, but my other parent had already moved on with another partner while I remained at home. So different situation. It was swept under the carpet and pretty much no one ever asked me if I was ok. I wasn’t. I’m still very much affected by that period of my life.

I’m sorry that you are having to go through this.

I’m so sorry for your loss Shanks, DD does a sport that DH has always been very involved in and I’m hoping that will be something she will want to keep on doing too. Good idea about his favourite movies and music

Oh @BumCat I’m so, so sorry. That’s so bloody hard

I was slightly younger than teenage when my dad died unexpectedly.
Don't get rid of all his things. I managed to get some notes/lists in my dad's handwriting before they were binned, just so I had something.
We had to move house. There were no longer any photos of him out, in fact no photos at all. All his clothes, everything were either binned or packed away. I think it hurt mum too much initially to have anything of his around. But it felt like he was being erased.
We didn't talk about him for a long time because mum would be in tears. After the funeral we were expected to get on with life as normal, got chivvied up by (his) family if something upset us, told not to be so silly and we had to deal with things.
Let yourselves grieve, whatever form that takes. Let your dd talk about her dad if and when she wants to, let her have something of his, let her cry, cuddle each other.
Please, never throw "well you wouldn't do/say/want that if your dad were here" at her.
So sorry you are going through this .

So sorry for what you’re going through OP.

I didn’t lose a parent but my sister. As PPs have said talking about them helps a lot and doing something nice as a family on anniversaries and birthdays in remembrance.
I was very involved in choosing the coffin, what she wore to be buried in and parts of the funeral. It gave me an element of control when I felt I had none. Also involved in discussions about what happened to her room and belongings. I’d have been devastated if things were just got rid of or given away without being asked.
I went for some counselling but didn’t need it at the time. It didn’t hit me until much later in life just what I’d lost and it was a long grieving process. I struggled a lot at times and felt I should be ‘over it’. Friends didn’t really understand and it wasn’t necessarily big life events where it became difficult. It’s affected a lot of my relationships throughout my life. So I’d just be mindful of all that and that she may not want to come to you in 10, 20 years because she doesn’t want to resurrect painful feelings for you.
Life is so cruel

@CoffeeBeansGalore thank you for sharing that with me, it is so helpful, I’m sorry your dads death was used to make you feel shit about yourself, that’s truly horrible. It’s so good you mentioned about not getting rid of DHs stuff, because I was thinking about that today, what am I going to do with it all and I think now I will make sure it’s something DD and I do together, or at least I will consult with her. And maybe not make any changes straight away.

I’m hoping we don’t have to move, in fact DH has tried to set it up for us financially so we can keep this house. But as we have to pay for DHs treatment ourselves (not in the uk) this may not be realistic in the long term.

I'm so sorry for you and your dh.

My dad died suddenly from a brain hemorage (can't spell) in 1990 when I was 17. I found him in bed in the morning with his eyes open. He'd had strokes previously so was ill and me and my sister had been taking on caring responsibilities for a few years whilst my mum tried to keep the house/mortgage paid. They were desperate, survival times. He was only 45 when he died.

Back then there was very little help and my mum didn't cope. She ended up with a new bf about a year later but said very little to us. She was still young, I get that, but failed to talk to us about her new relationship and moved him in without telling us. My sister then went off to uni abs felt abandoned.

The things I don't have which I wish I have are: photos, video and hearing his voice. I do wish I could hear him again. I can't remember his voice.

I wish you and your family peace and as easy a time as you can have.

@Wigglegiggle0520 I’m so sorry for your loss, and that’s a very good point. Grief is not linear. So it’s not just in the immediate aftermath that counts, it’s always going to be part of our lives forever

I was younger than a teenager but I wished my mum had not made my dad a taboo subject. We never really spoke about him and if we did she would just get upset and walk off.

Just always be there for DD. Let her talk about him, give her space when she needs it.

I also wasn't allowed to the funeral which was devastating. I had to stay behind with a neighbor. Makes me tear up just thinking about being left there.

So get her involved with funeral planning etc if she would like too.

I think the whole thing will be a painful balancing act but as long as you respect DD and you live her, you will both get through this.

So so sorry for what you are going through.

Oh yes! A video of my dad would be amazing!

@CharlieWorkCharlieSad

I was younger than a teenager but I wished my mum had not made my dad a taboo subject. We never really spoke about him and if we did she would just get upset and walk off.

Just always be there for DD. Let her talk about him, give her space when she needs it.

I also wasn't allowed to the funeral which was devastating. I had to stay behind with a neighbor. Makes me tear up just thinking about being left there.

So get her involved with funeral planning etc if she would like too.

I think the whole thing will be a painful balancing act but as long as you respect DD and you live her, you will both get through this.

So so sorry for what you are going through.

Very good point about the funeral. I was involved and typed out an order of service and got it photocopied. I helped choose hymns too. It was very important to me.

@Frikonastick sorry your going through this.
If your DH is still able to write maybe get special birthday cards for 16th 18th 21st
Or Graduation passing driving test engagement wedding da. I know these may sound silly now but she will cherish this when she is older.
My mum died if cancer 3 years ago and I was an adult and it still hurts no matter what age. I have some of her clothes which I wear and My dad gave me mums Eternity ring for my 50th birthday this year and my sisters got wedding ring and engagement ring so maybe he could give his to your dd and wear it on a chain.
Hope you both ok

@Frikonastick my dad died when I was 12. Like other people have said the big issue for me was not being able to talk about him or his death. Not because I wasn't allowed to but because it upset my mum so much to do so. In my head then I associated the two and would never mention it except in passing. Twenty five years later I now know it would have helped us all to talk about it but at that age I didn't want to make my mum cry!! I don't think you can do anything about it being the end of their childhood, it isn't although it may feel like that for a while. It definitely made me different to my friends but also more resilient. Counselling would probably help- now before he passes so there is a support network and tool kit to fall back upon. A big handhold for you all.

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully I don’t think I have any recordings of his voice. Oh god, I don’t, and you are so right, wanting to just hear him again, it’s so important. I’m not sure how to stage manage that, but I will.

A new partner is definitely not something that is in the cards for me, on any level ever. I’m not just saying that. I know who I am. And as ridiculous as it sounds, DH and I have a great love. A proper grand love story, with DD in the centre of it.

I lost my dad unexpectedly at 15 from a stroke.
My mum did not speak to me about it and left me to deal with my grief on my own - whatever you do that is not that will be good and helpful, even if you don't feel you know what you are doing or saying the right thing.
Let her know whatever she feels is ok, that you are happy to listen and talk about her dad, and also don't be afraid to share your own grief & feelings - helps to reassure that her process is normal, and also that she doesn't need to pretend to be ok or coping.

Sorry for what you are both going through, and I wish you strength for the future

Not me but a very close friend had your exact situation. Her boys were 13 and 16.
She allowed herself to cry right alongside 'being strong'.
The thing ive noticed about her boys (they're now in their mid twenties) is that they have a lust for life like no other I've ever seen. They have a real drive to succeed, say 'yes' to everything.
My friend worries about burnout I think.
She herself, a decade in from her farming husband's death, is only just starting to contemplate dating again. And it's largely bc she doesn't eat her boys to worry about her. They are fabulous sons and along with their drive socially and career wise they have a close bond with their mum
I envy her slightly, and realise that's wrong, because the dynamics of her family are probably down to the fact she was widowed.
All families are different tho, and what I've described is just my observation

So many of you are saying about not wanting to talk about your parent because it upset the other parent, and I think, I mean would it have been better if they let you talk but didn’t themselves seem upset? Or would it have been ok if they were openly grieving with you?

Have you seen those books that parents can fill in for their children with memories and stories? Things like "my first memory / day at school / what I remember about my parents / grandparents / first car, best friends at school, first girlfriend, what I thought of your mum when I first met her etc " Something to fill in the gaps of conversations that they would otherwise have had as she was growing up, all his little stories, in his words. I'm sure I've seen them in gift shops but can't think what you'd call them - but you could just buy a journal for him to write in and get friends / family to suggest good questions for him

Sorry to hear what you are going through. My mum put her dad's jumper in a bag when he passed away and it still smells like him.
I think the cards for big occasions are a great idea. Even the big events for the first year like Xmas etc.
He might find making a video easier which would be nice too, might make it feel like he is more present.