Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

Lots of people have mentioned letters or cards and memory books, but DH isn’t in a place where he can do that.
OP update all lovely suggestions I don't think her DH is in a place where he is physically able.

Lots of photos when he is gone of better times, I kiss my DM's photo a lot and smile at her when passing it during the day.
The biggest most important thing is to make sure you are okay, you need support too, your strengths will help her it's important you're looked after too.

What about turning a piece of clothing that dad wore into a Teddy? I know it sounds childish and trivial but that solid connection between dad's t shirt and something he can hug?

I’m so very sorry for your family’s situation.

If you ever find love in the future, my advice is please don’t move him in or have him around all the time suddenly. I found my mother’s prioritisation of a rushed relationship and expectation that I would be nothing but delighted for them and be best pals with a man I didn’t know and didn’t trust , very difficult. Of course if you ever feel able to then move forward with your life in that war but please be sensitive to your dd as the new relationship could amplify and complicate loss if she’s still young if not approached delicately . For a direct example, I will never forgive my mother for holding her wedding in the same church as my fathers funeral almost the same date 4 years later and insist I stand at the same bloody pulpit doing another reading , but this time about true love with new husband. But she was happy so everyone told me I had to smile .
Sorry if you sense a twinge of bitterness still.

The fact that you are even asking suggests you prioritise your dds wellbeing and likely always will.

Record Me was organized around questions those who lost a parent wished they could get answers to. They have an app and computer programme that lists out questions that you can record on. I agree with pp that alongside just general videos, this could be nice for you and your DD.

I was 21 and 28 when my mum and then dad died, my youngest brother was 5 and then 12.

He wanted us to talk about mum and dad, to keep the small memories alive fo him. To tell about silly songs, or places we visited, scents they wore, favourite foods. He appreciates more I think than I or my other brothers who were older when we lost our parents, the photos and videos. He says they help him to remember voices and fill in the hazy memories.

Dad died after a long illness so most of my younger brothers memories are of a poorly man, not a vibrant, funny, sometimes reckless, always moving, energy filled man which is how I remember him in my childhood.

So sorry for you all.
I send my mum flowers on anniversaries etc but she never has acknowledged my Dad on Fathers’ Day or my birthday. It’s many years ago but her grief dominated my own. I stopped talking about him for a while because I didn’t want to upset her, but realise now we should have talked more openly.
There’s a good book by Rebecca Abrams called When Parents Die. Helped me massively.

I lost my dad when I was ten many years ago. I agree about having something tactile that they can cuddle. My mum bought me a locket and put a picture of my dad in it for me so that I always had him near me. She talked about him a lot. The thing that I had a problem with was when she ever went out and the fear that something would happen to her and I would be alone as I had no other relatives anywhere near. So just constant reassurance I guess. Also I was not allowed to go to the
funeral and although I know it would have been awful I always resented not being able to say goodbye properly.

I wish too that we had recorded his voice. Maybe got him to talk about his history and growing up as I now feel I have very little knowledge of that. My mum did not really keep contact with his side of the family very much after he died.

You sound fantastic because you are thinking about this. Just lots of cuddles for you both. I was always a daddy's girl and once he had gone my mum and i became such a close unit. She was absolutely the best and did her utmost.

I am so sorry for what is happening to your DH and family. You are totally amazing reaching out for help.

Do you have any bereavement counselling places nearby? My friend died at 40 and her husband got him and their 3 children counselling and it was amazing.

My dad died when I was 22 and I wish I had a video of him.

My heart aches for you.

So sorry you’re going through this.

I was a bit older but in case it helps, I agree being able to talk freely and openly is very important.

I know material things shouldn’t matter but I really struggled with having nothing physical of my dad’s. I wish he’d had a watch or something I could have kept. I ended up finding some cards he’d written me and got a necklace with my name in his handwriting, which I treasure.

Some things my mum did which really helped were giving me equal say in choosing things for the funeral, I felt really honoured that she let me play an equal part and felt like my decisions were valid. I still think how grateful I am about that now. She also kept a close relationship with my dad’s family and we still went to theirs at Christmas etc. and I really appreciate that.

Sending best wishes to you and your family.

I lost a parent very suddenly when I was slightly older than your DD. The other parent who’d moved on a long time before this happened made their death all about them. I was never allowed an outlet as it was framed in such a way of not upsetting others.
Don’t make her be stronger than she is, I think it’s one of the reasons I’ve struggled as I just don’t know how to show the vulnerability.

My dad killed himself when I was 14 after he received a terminal cancer diagnosis. So I knew he was terribly ill, but the end was much more abrupt than anybody was expecting. The things that my mum did that stick in my head as being so important:

Involving me in decisions – not just the funeral, but day to day living. Dad had been the primary wage earner and she made sure to talk through the finances and reassure me that we were safe financially, and when there were issues she talked those through with me too so that I understood what was going on and had a voice in deciding how to handle it.

Talked about things she wished she had done differently and made sure I had the opportunity to do the same. I was boiling with adolescent guilt because I didn’t get to say goodbye and she made a space for me to talk about that without explicitly saying so. There are regrets I have from that time that I have never said out loud to anyone else ever, but it was OK to say them to her. And that really mattered.

Divided up some of Dad’s personal items between us (me and my siblings) so that we all had something that was useful as well as being intrinsically his. I have his pocket-knife. It lives on my desk, and I use it often, and every time I do I can see him. I have all sorts of memory stuff put away safely but the thing that makes me think of him most often and in the best way is his knife.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

My children lost their dad, and looking back now, there were a few things that helped. We always kept talking about him, but without putting him on a pedestal. Keeping memories of him real, helped a lot.
I grieved with my children. They were at first worried about making me cry, but I explained to them that I was also sad, and we were helping each other through it by being able to share feelings openly. I made sure they knew it was not their fault if I cried, it was just a normal part of bereavement.
I took the outside help I could get. My daughter went for some sort of art therapy, and now, 4 years on, she is going for a few sessions of therapy. I realise this will have an influence on them for a very long time.
This might sound a bit harsh and inappropriate for where you are now, so apologies in advance. But having worked with some families going through bereavement, I think it is important. Allow her to be happy when ever she can find those moments. So many people (usually those who have not been through it) expect misery and is almost surprised when there is still joy to be found afterwards. Just allow and encourage her to take those moments. With time, they will increase.
Also, there's no timeline to this. She might be completely ok for weeks on end, and when you least expect it, she will have another dip. It's all ok, all to be expected.
Take support for yourself as well. It is so important. This will be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to deal with in your life. Don't always try to be the strong one. Find, and use any support offered.

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are all going through this.

OP if your husband is unable to write in the cards can he dictate what he wants to say and you write them? So it’s still his words IYSWIM?

DH's mum died when he was 17, and he was sent away the week she passed away to stay with relatives. There was no place in the family for his feelings or needs.

I don't think he's ever got over it, tbh, and he's still really sad that he never got to say goodbye. He had no idea that she was at that stage, he had a very overbearing stepfather who was very much in charge and DH's mum was too ill to argue. He had no involvement in her funeral, and his stepfather kicked him out the day after his 18th birthday.

He still finds it hard to talk about, and he's in his 50s

I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for this incredibly difficult situation you find yourself and your DD in. Just the fact that you are thinking about these issues now shows what an amazing mum you are. I lost my DM pretty young (although a bit older than your DD), and sadly I experienced quite a few bereavements fairly early on in life. Here's what has and hasn't helped me, although each grief is unique and there's definitely no right or wrong in this process.
As some other PPs have mentioned, funerals are so important. I've come to believe they're not actually for the person that has passed away, but for the people that survive. I lost a relative who didn't want to have a funeral (in an attempt to try and protect us from the sadness and pain of that day) and it was actually quite devastating not to have a 'formal' outlet for our grief. The rituals of that day, as hard as they are, are such an important part of the grieving process. It'll be so important that your DD feels as involved as she wants/is able to be on that day.
My DF coped really badly with my DM passing, and it was as if his grief eclipsed everything else and there was literally no room for anyone else's grief. It was devastating, and exhausting, and our relationship has never recovered. He also moved on to another relationship very quickly, and that was incredibly devastating to me as he expected me to be very supportive and I just literally didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do so. I really wanted him to meet someone else and be happy again, just not within a couple of months, and not to ram it down it down my throat when I was still in the midst of my own grief. Cheryl Strayed writes really eloquently about how it feels to lose a parent at a young age, if you have the energy at the moment (I appreciate with everything going on you might not) I'd suggest you dip into some of her articles/books/podcasts if you can. Nigella Lawson and Joan Didion also both write eloquently on grief- their writings have been such a comfort to me over the years.

As I've got older I've seen my DM in a new perspective and I've so missed being about to talk to her with each of life's passing milestones- births, weddings, even other bereavements. It's so important that you keep talking to DD about DH if that's what she'd like. Especially the small incidental stuff. I can't tell you how precious these 'borrowed' memories from other people are. It seems impossible now but there will be a time you can reminisce and smile at a happy memory together, despite the sadness of the loss. My siblings and I are now able to talk about funny things my DM did back in the day and I'm so grateful that we can do that together.

So its a delicate balance of not overwhelming your daughter with your own grief, but feeling that she and you can both talk about your DH safely and are allowed to feel sad and grieve at your own pace. I'd suggest you line up separate grief counselling for you both with recommended professionals who specialise in grief and childhood grief. It might not help, and it might be the best thing ever, only you will both know when you get there, but it'll give you both a safe separate outlet, which is so vitally important when you'll both be desperate to support each other whilst processing your own grief.

I've hung onto a voicemail of someone I lost who was precious to me- and I really cherish it. I managed to record it as a voice memo on my mobile phone and then I emailed it to myself so I wouldn't lose it. Photos, notes, voice recordings, videos, belongings, and even an old jumper can all become so important when you're remembering someone you love who's gone. Only you and your DD will know what's important to you both at the time, but be open that it might not be a 'conventional' way of grieving, and that's ok. Also be aware you might both grieve in completely different ways on completely different timescales so be very gentle with you both.

Sorry, this has turned into such a rambling message. Please keep posting here, there's such an amazing wealth of collective wisdom on MN. Big hugs xx

I haven’t read all the posts so apologise if you’ve already been suggested these things.

My dad died unexpectedly when I was 12. A few days short of my 13th birthday. He was only 42

Things I found helpful or would have wanted

• Videos (I only have photos)
• My school we’re heavily involved. I only had 1 day away from school. At the time I felt rejected but in hindsight it was helpful but school made it 100% better
• We continued to laugh and joke “at him” as we would when he was alive
• I wish my mum had brought him up more in the earlier days as I didn’t want to upset her by taking about him. Normalise this
• My mum entered a relationship quite soon after. I understand her need for companionship now I’m an adult myself but I never felt my feelings were heard.
• I had to grow up quickly and felt robbed of my childhood. I ended up cooking and cleaning, badly for the household and assume this role in my adult life where in the caregiver. It would have been helpful, if possible, to hire in some support for day to day tasks as my mum couldn’t cope
• Now I’m an adult and parent myself I’m now interested more in how my parent met, their story, what he was like beyond my dad etc
• Again regarding information one thing that stuck with me when I got married they asked what his profession was for the marriage cert and I hadn’t got a clue. This really hurt.

Just be present, you’ll experience grief in different ways and that’s ok

Xx

I’m sorry for the situation you are all in

I’m married to a widower whose children lost their mum in their teens. They have a lovely open dialogue about her now still, years later - she’s always coming up in conversation, which is lovely.

The only thing he’s ever mentioned regretting, is not pushing the children a little more to have counselling. He went with their feelings when they said no, without any pushback. Who knows if it was right or wrong? But it’s the one thing now that he says he did think he should have encouraged them more.

If no one has already suggested it there is an organisation called Winstons Wish which offer amazing support to bereaved children and young people and also lots of resources to help the adults in the child/rens lives help them. Working in a school we have had a number of children unfortunately lose parents and Winston’s Wish have been outstanding.

Finally, I lost my mum to cancer at four years old. No one ever talked about her. I know hardly anything about her at all although I have photographs luckily. It has left it’s mark on me in terms of finding it difficult to make deep relationships - if someone’s not around I just don’t miss them. I know you intend to do this but I just wanted to emphasise the importance of talking about a parent who has died and keeping them a part of your family. Xx

As others have said , no attempt was made by my DM to talk about my Dad's passing. It was hard. I needed hugs & affection too , but knew better than to ask. Also, before he passed, I spent hours with her while she talked endlessly about her feelings . In hindsight it didn't help, I felt I was taking the mother role. In fact it was me who put my foot down & said we need to go back to the Dr you won't manage when I'm back at Uni, after I found her crying in the kitchen .

I was only just past teenage years and my DN was a teen when our DM died. We have no recording of her voice ( this was years ago). No video, no audio recording. I would give anything to at least hear her voice again, even better see her on film. I hope you have some holiday videos etc
I am sorry to read what you are going through 💐

I've not lost a parent, but was widowed when DS was 18. He has found it very difficult because he bottles things up, and any offers of counselling or support have been rebuffed. He also still associates certain things so strongly with his dad that he avoids them - certain foods that DH loved, films, music - whereas I find comfort in them, so there has been some minor conflict there. We have had to learn to respect each other's way of dealing with loss.

DS and I both find it comforting to talk about DH and look at photos, and to visit places we went to as a family. The first time we went to Disneyworld without him was difficult because he loved it there, but we tried new things we hadn't done with him and then built up to the familiar.

I found involving DS (and DSS) in the funeral arrangements worked, as both felt they had input and could accept the reality. DSS was on holiday when DH died and he still agonises over that. DS was in the room with me, sitting next to DH.

DS was also involved in the scattering of the ashes (DSS couldn't come, it was too upsetting for him). DH had told us where he wanted scattering, but we planned it to be just right. I kept some ashes back and had a ring for myself made from Ashes into Glass - if the boys want to have some jewellery made in future, there will be some ashes waiting for them.

for you - anticipatory grief is awful and supporting a grieving teen whilst heartbroken yourself is no picnic.

I was a bit older but still a young adult. Would love to hear mums voice again.
If you keep photos/videos on phones, keep a charger! We have some old phones but no charger for them to see the old photos.
I still have her phone number saved in my phone over 10 years later and talk about her a lot.
Not to my dad though he still struggles to open up, it’s stilted our relationship

My father died suddenly and entirely unexpectedly when I was ten.
There are many things that my mother could probably have done better, before and afterwards for herself and for us.

However, she tried her very best. It might not have been others best, but it was her best. Nobody can ask more than that. There is no right way to be widowed or orphaned. It is terribly sad for the bereaved spouses and the children. All you can really do is allow happiness and laughter back in.

Yes I have personal experience as my mum died when I was 16.
Take lots and lots of pictures and videos of them both together and of your DH alone also. Videos especially. I have none of my mum as video camera went around really when she died 25 years ago (madness to think that now when so much ww do is filmed). So sad as I would have absolutely loved some footage of us together.
When he is gone, talk about him. Make it normal to talk and remember him.
Personally after the initial few days I desperately wanted my ‘normal’ life back. Craved it. Wanted to get back to friends and people who weren’t sad.
I wish you luck OP. Your son will always have a big hole but he will be ok. Time does heal and although waves of sadness will come over
Him from time to time he will be ok.

@AndWhat

I was a bit older but still a young adult. Would love to hear mums voice again. If you keep photos/videos on phones, keep a charger! We have some old phones but no charger for them to see the old photos. I still have her phone number saved in my phone over 10 years later and talk about her a lot. Not to my dad though he still struggles to open up, it’s stilted our relationship

Go on ebay and buy the old chargers!!