Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through

My dad died of a brain tumour when I was 13 and my brother was 16.

I remember my mum didn’t cope well for the first few months and I remember getting myself up and ready and going to school everyday while my mum was still in bed.
Then when I came home from school she would still be in bed.
I didn’t really understand it at the time but she had severe depression.

Also when I reached my later teens,my mum stopped me going with friends and basically doing anything out with school as she eventually told me she was scared something bad would happen.
This resulted in me not really getting the chance to grow up and developing social anxiety which now at 38 I still have.

Nobody really ever asked me if I was ok after my dad died so I never really grieved properly until I was an adult.

My advice would be to encourage your daughter to talk about how she is feeling and possibly even counselling as I wish I had done that after my dad died.
My grief was bottled up for years.

It’s such a heartbreaking situation to be going through.
Enjoy the time you have left as a family.

When Dad died of massive heart attack I used to ring home when I knew no-one was home to hear Dad's voice on ansaphone message. One day I did it and my Mum had recorded new message over on old message. I cried and cried and could not bear the thought I would never hear my Dad's voice again. I raged at my Mum. She apologized but it could not be fixed for me. Definitely get your DH to record a few messages for children for their 18th, 21st, graduation, wedding day etc. Get lots of photos of them together too.

My DDs were 13 and 17 when DH died, 5 years ago. Reading replies from a child's perspective here is humbling. I think I did go to pieces too much, though tried not to. We had a great love like you OP, the pain is physical as well as emotional. Take care of yourself so you can take care of DD. One day at a time, now and for a good long time. Join WAY (widowed and young) when the time is right.
My DDs grieved differently and I was led by them. Oldest did not want school to know, wanted to be 'normal'. Youngest visited DHs body at the funeral parlour many times and made him look nice. It was important to her. We talk about him every day, mostly with joy and laughter. Audio is so important. Oldest DD found a tape recorder with his voice and treasures it. I wish I had kept more of his clothes. Youngest has repurposed some of his things into new outfits which is lovely. Oldest is wearing his rain jacket. All of these things seem like a gift from him and something that holds him closer, but it has taken years.
Counselling wasn't much use, it was too soon.
I'm so sorry for the pain your family is going through. I know you will cherish every last moment with your DH.

I was 13 when my dad died suddenly, over 40 years ago now.

There's 2 things I'm grateful for.

1. That it never occurred to me that I could lose my mum too. So I didn't spend the rest of my childhood worrying that this might happen and I'd be left on my own ( no reason to think that it would). This was presumably helped by my mum never saying anything to plant that idea. She never said "If anything happens to me...."

1. I was completely unaware of our financial situation. I know now that it was a financial worry for my mum, but she never let on and I suppose that allowed me a carefree childhood.

I do think she should have told me exactly what had happened to me dad. I didn't know the details of how he'd died till I was in my 40s. She got understandably upset when I tried to ask her several times, so I eventually let the subject drop. I filled in the blanks with some scary ideas. Tell your daughter the truth/detail and encourage her to ask questions when you feel up to answering.

So sorry you and your DD are having to face this.

I’m so sorry OP. Like so many others on here, my mum died when I was young. I was only 10 & my dad wasn’t in the picture at the time. I was fostered by friends of the family, and it was awful. Like others have said she was effectively erased and I was just supposed to get on with it. It was the 80s & I think there is a lot more understanding now about the impact on children and teens and more help, counselling & organisations. Yes definitely keep his things and talk about him. I wish I had more of my mum’s things, and someone to talk about her with. I didn’t want to read and run.

My dad died of alcoholism when I was a teen. Bad things were not being “allowed” to acknowledge how ill he was before. I am the youngest and was the only child at home and when he died it became apparent that my siblings had no idea how ill he was, my eldest sister in particular was absolutely floored by it. I had been told not to tell them anything that was going on at home and I wish I’d ignored that.
I would have liked more photos. I don’t have any photos with us both on when I’m over about 7. We had a good relationship but my parents would take photos of us kids without them on.
I was relieved when he died. The illness was tough and it was a weight lifted. I wish I’d been told those feelings were ok. I remember going out with my friends very soon after and feeling like I shouldn’t, but having a great time anyway. I felt vaguely like I should be sitting in the parlour in a black stuff gown. It was summer and we played by the river and life went on.

I wish my Mum had got counselling for me - a space I could talk and be unafraid of upsetting anyone else.

My Mum also told me her grief was worse than mine, so essentially I wasn't allowed to show emotion. She made me go to work in our local pub the day he died. It doesn't sound as though you will make any of those mistakes!

I wish after he died we had still done some nice, normal things in the weeks after, maybe lunch out if you can bear it. Just so I could be reminded that there was still joy to be had in the world.

My DD15 lost her dad to cancer 10 days ago, funeral next week.
They were incredibly close, we are taking each day as it comes and I am following her lead, we talk and laugh about him, there’s no awkwardness. I do think the real grief will hit after the funeral.

One thing a friend's Mum did before she died was talk to her children about a special place they could go to think & be close to her. The fact she named the place for them has made them feel especially close to her when they go there.

I was 20 and my brother was 17 when my dad died.

Someone at university lent me a really helpful book called When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams. I read it about 6 months after I lost my dad and it was the first time I started to make sense of a lot of my feelings. The author lost her parent as a teenager.

My mum was really traumatised by dad's death (other complicating factors that I won't go into here) and it felt like she wasn't there to listen for a long time. Not her fault but very hard. So I would also say, look after yourself - get bereavement counselling, talk about it yourself, find strength in your faith if you have one maybe - do whatever you would want your DC to do for themselves, so that you can be there for them.

It sounds like you are open with you daughter, which is so important. I presume she knows he is dying? That may sound a silly question, but nobody ever explained to me that my mum’s cancer was terminal, and so I think I expected her to get better. It was only spelled out to me two days before she died, and by then she was unconscious. So I never got to say goodbye. But worst of all were all the things I would have done differently had I known. Things I had told her I’d do and never got round to, or even not visiting some days. That has been the hardest for me to get over. That I let her down. I was just a kid, I forgive myself, and them for not telling me (I’m sure they thought they were protecting me) but even 20 years later it’s a painful memory.

Like many others, we never spoke much about her afterwards and I wish that had been different.

Lastly, regarding his belongings. My dad asked me what I wanted when he was clearing out her stuff, but I wasn’t ready to go through it, or old enough to understand the significance, so I have very few things. She used to make a lot of her own clothes but I have none of them. Set aside some things for when she is older.

Sorry you are going through this.

My mum died when I was 12. She left secret letters to be given to me when I turned 18, got married, had first baby. These were so wonderful. I often wonder if my dad still has others to cover every eventuality!

I am reading and re- reading every post. It’s been pretty confronting, but I’m so glad I asked the question and so grateful that so many people responded.

I think I feel quite empowered by the fact that all of you survived, and survived to grow into the sort of people that will help a stranger out on the internet. And I have had wonderful PMs with really great advice too.

I think I feel like I can’t stop this terrible thing from happening to my DD, so all my energy is sort of focussed into what I can do. It’s a horrible feeling.

Like a nightmare where you try to run and you can’t, your legs won’t move.

I think you’ll do a brilliant job of supporting your DD, everything you post demonstrates that.

I lost my dad when I was young. My mum was great but we didn’t talk about him ever (as pps have said) and that wasn’t great. Equally I would shy away from any explicit conversation, talking about him just means dropping into conversation ‘your dad went there...’ etc. I hated hearing ‘your dad would have liked x’ as I’d think ‘How the f do you know?’ But that may just be me.

The other thing that would have helped me is knowing that my dad loved me. I know that sounds slightly odd but we were/aren’t a demonstrative family and I have a close relationship with my mum where the small things show we love each other. But as my dad died before I could have that relationship with him, and as people in my family don’t say ‘I love you’ I was left with a gap. A letter or similar if that is possible from your DH could do that, if not, make sure you tell your DD in a natural way the stories of his love. So not just ‘ your dad loved you’ but ‘I remember how he was so impressed with x about you’ ‘I remember when you were born he said it was the best feeling he’d ever had’ or whatever the truth is.

That may not be clear and do ignore if not helpful, I’m v impressed with how you want to support your DD. You’re obvs a v good mum so tbh absorb the advice on this thread, but then do what suits you guys

I was 18 when my mum died, after heart surgery. We weren’t expecting it and I was in my first term at uni. Back then, 1989, there was no counselling, it was just expected that you would sort of get on with things so I went back to uni a week after the funeral.

What helped:

being told I must keep talking about my mum (her friend said this to me), I had no idea how important that becomes when someone is no longer with you and so many people avoided the subject.

Being asked how I was feeling occasionally by friends, where I knew they were really giving me the opportunity to talk about how I was feeling. I didn’t have to gloss over everything.

Being in touch with my dad and grandparents frequently by phone, I felt the need to ensure they were ok too.

Having a debrief by our GP, who explained what had happened during the surgery and why the doctors thought she had died (I appreciate this may not apply here).

I helped my sister to sort out my mum’s clothes and stuff, and chose some pieces to keep to remember her. I wore them often during the first year and I still have them 30 years later.

What might have helped more:

Being reassured that no one (including me) would forget my mum. At times I felt that it was almost as if she had never existed, as everyone moved on and/or didn’t talk about her.

Seeing my dad happy again, he was devastated and seemed very lonely too.I found this very difficult, though you can only do your best here obviously. Remember that your dd will have lots of young friends around her who will probably help her to have lots of normal, happy teenage moments. The sadness will come and go and can be exhausting. Home needs to have some lighter moments too.

Counselling would have helped me enormously because I found it very hard to talk about losing my mum. I was very angry at God for taking her away (the vicar said he takes the good ones first). I wasn’t particularly religious but my mum was so I directed my anger here.

Lastly, please reassure your dd that she will never forget her dad, rarely a day goes by without my mum and dad being in my thoughts and that’s always been a great comfort to me.

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this and I hope that’s helped a tiny bit.

So sorry you are going through this OP. My Mum died when I was 16. DF was dating within 6 months and got engaged at our first Christmas without her. We were then forbidden to talk about her. It’s messed me up, if I’m honest. I would have fared better if we had talked about her to keep her memory alive better. In the same situation I would never do this to my children.

I was an older teen when my dad died very suddenly but the things I wished my mum hadn't done were

1. bin all my dad's things immediately without asking us if we wanted anything

2. get a new partner within weeks

I don't have much of a relationship with her now.

I'd also say don't make him a saint, talk about the real man warts and all. I have a younger sibling with hang ups about not being able to live up to the saint they have grown up hearing about. I loved my dad, he was clever and brave but he wasn't perfect and why should he be. I joke with my children about somethings their dad did, obviously not immediately after he died but I think it is healthier for them to see him as a real person.

My mother always talked about my father as perfect even when she remarried. I used to feel sorry for my stepfather even though I didn't particularly like him, he could never live up to the picture she painted of my dad.

To clarify obviously focus on how great he was but also be a little bit real.

My Dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 and died just after my 16th birthday. I don’t think there’s a one size fits all way of doing things. I’d say, don’t try to cram loads in - one of my main goo memories was us all getting a Mr Whippy and sitting in the garden with them (big family, and we couldn’t afford to do this often). I also feel really grateful for the time I just spent sat with him chatting, and even when he was asleep. It’s the small things and taking time to do them. I also really wish that I had more photos of my Dad and me & my Dad. Maybe get some taken?
My Mum and I did struggle with our relationship afterwards. I felt I didn’t really exist or matter to her, but also felt bad for thinking that - as she’d just lost the love of her life. I think if I were going through this as a parent I’d really try to tell my teen I loved them every day.
Also make sure school have support in place. My school were excellent with checking in with me frequently and it made a huge difference.

@Pandoraslastchance

What about turning a piece of clothing that dad wore into a Teddy? I know it sounds childish and trivial but that solid connection between dad's t shirt and something he can hug?

My daughter has that, her father's favourite shirt as a teddy and she finds it very comforting.

I did. I think the fact you are thinking about your DD means you are a wonderful parent I’m so sorry about your DH.

Counselling is really important and continuing it even if she thinks she may not need it (you too). Going to have dinner - will be back in a while.

Not me but my best friend’s Mum died in her teens, she had been sick for some time with a degenerative disease so my friend knew she would die sooner rather than later. They spent a lot of quality time together even though it was tough because they found lots of places weren’t very wheelchair friendly for example which provided a stumbling block. The trips out meant a lot to all of them though and they took lots of photos every time. My friend has a big scrapbook of memories.

I’d also say not jumping into another relationship preferably until your DC are adults. It’s probably the last thing on your mind anyway but I know my friend wouldn’t have coped if her Dad did this, he only met someone 3 years ago so about 10 years after her Mum died.

I can very honestly say I have no intentions to have a new partner at any point in time. I have below zero capacity to be investing in anything other than DD and myself.

I am both surprised and unsurprised (if that makes sense) at just how many of you say your surviving parent had a new partner so quickly.

Because, where does all the love go?

Where do you put all the love you have for your partner? Where do you spend all that time and energy and brain space that was reserved for your parent?

I think that’s why do many get someone new so soon. Because having nowhere for the love to go is crippling.

And it’s tricky because diverting all that love onto my DD is too much, I would suffocate her!

So I think I’m going to try spend that love on me. I’m going to divert all that brain space and time into getting through this as intact and whole as possible.

This may all be hopelessly unrealistic. But I’m going to try