Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

@Ghostlyfeet I am going to see a therapist tomorrow myself, and will talk about a plan for DD and a referral, thank you

My dad died just before I was 13. My mother went to pieces for a few weeks which was a bit scary but pulled herself together on Christmas Eve, I'd done some shopping for younger siblings but she suddenly realised she had to get more stuff. After that it was OK, I missed him but mum said it was all going to be OK and it was.

One thing I found hard was my father's family sort of cut us off. I felt bad and years later younger sibling got in touch and they wanted to be friends, it was my turn to reject them. I found that so hard as I knew my dad would never have done that to my cousins.

OP, my daughters dad committed suicide 5 months ago. (We weren't together)
Honestly, I feel like I get it wrong every day. We are quite an honest family and are open with each other. I said to her about a month ago 'I am sorry if I haven't helped or haven't been supportive in the right way'
Her reply, very honest was 'the only way you can make me better is bringing him back, you can't do that, what you have done so far is just let me feel, you are the only one who hasn't said things will get better in time, you are the only one who hasn't tried to give me words of wisdom, you have just let me be sad and cuddled me without saying anything, you have been the most supportive because you haven't tried to say anything. You have just let me be. You haven't let me wallow in self pity and have encouraged me to carry on living by almost forcing me to go out with my friends and to carry on making me go school, and although I hate it on the days I am really sad. It has made me learn how to carry on. So mum don't apologise'

They were her words. There is no right or wrong. The only thing I would say is to get counselling ready for your child and for yourself and to take each day as it comes. One day your child may be fine and you question if they even remember, the next they are on the floor sobbing. Be prepared for days to change. Don't be scared to talk about DH when the time does come.

Let your daughter know that you are there for her but don't be in her face. (I sat outside my DDs room as she slept for a few days until my current DP forced me to leave her be)

Whilst DH is still here, just let DD go through the motions. My DDs dad was very poorly before he took his own life. He would have died soon. There is no right or wrong here. It is down to who your DD is. But sometimes doing 'not enough' is just what is needed.

What my surviving parent did wrong:-

• stopped me visiting sick parent for year or so up to his death because it would be too "upsetting"

-hid details of how sick he was

• stopped me going to the funeral
• kept telling me how good it was I was still at home to support her - much older siblings had all left home. I felt huge pressure to be there for her.
• didn't acknowledge my pain, I was a (14 year old) child and children are hugely resilient, apparently.
• when I told her I felt depressed told me I was too young to have such feelings.

She was a wonderful mother in many ways and we were very close but years later after I had children of my own I had a bit of a breakdown, based on the above things.

The fact that you are thinking about how to help your child through this is a positive in itself, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Keep talking and keep him involved to the extent that he is comfortable with being involved.

Hi OP. I lost a parent very suddenly when I was a teenager and my remaining parent found it very hard to cope, becoming depressed and relying on my older sibling for everything. I felt I was a burden to my remaining parent and that they didn't want to be bothered with me. I started misbehaving, really to get attention I think. Our relationship went downhill and it wasn't until I was in my 30's that we reconciled.

I'm sorry you're in this sad situation, must be very hard. I wish you all the best.

I lost my dad at 14, make sure your daughter has lots of pics of her dad that are her own and some of his things. When my dad died my siblings were adults and one of my brothers gave a lovely framed photo of dad to all of my siblings and my mum. I wasn't given one as I still lived at home. When mum died, her copy of the picture was taken and given to one of the grandchildren, so I still don't have a decent picture of my dad or anything that belonged to him at all.

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this OP xx

@Frikonastick

So many of you are saying about not wanting to talk about your parent because it upset the other parent, and I think, I mean would it have been better if they let you talk but didn’t themselves seem upset? Or would it have been ok if they were openly grieving with you?

A balance of both I think.

It's OK to be upset and grieve with her. You can't always hide your pain.

It's also important to stay strong sometimes so she can be weak.

I hope this makes sense!

Over time I think talking about DH with DD will become easier. And you both won't end up in tears.

The hard thing for me was my mum wouldn't talk about him at all. And if he was mentioned she would hide in the bathroom and cry. This still happens now. 20+ years later.

My dad died when I was 11, in quite unusual and traumatic circumstances. With hindsight, as an adult, I can see how awful that must have been for my mum, but at the time my main feeling was one of being unsafe and adrift, as she was so wrapped up in her own grief and anger about the situation. She became half the parent, when I needed her to be double the parent, and the dynamic shifted between us so that in a way, as the oldest, I was forced to share responsibilities with her - I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow to try and protect us if anyone broke in, as I didn't feel I could trust her to take that role. You've mentioned the end of childhood - I think my mum could have done a lot to mitigate that, but she didn't, I became someone who suddenly was tasked with more housework, babysitting younger siblings, I could wire a fucking plug and was going up the attic to fetch stuff when I was 12 because that was the stuff my dad used to do and mum couldn't / wouldn't.

She was always angry, always crying, always resentful - it was as if it had happened to her, and her alone, it didn't seem to register that I had lost my dad, it was all about what had happened to her and the lone parent / financial situation she found herself in.

And she then got into a new relationship pretty quickly, with someone who clearly didn't really want us around. My dad was, and is barely mentioned since.

You sound like a lovely mum and I'm 100000% sure you will be entirely different to mine, but if I had to give you one piece of advice, it's to try, as hard as you can, to put your DD first in all of this, even when your own pain is colossal. Make her feel safe, and that even though her dad is gone, you absolutely have her back and her home with you is safe and secure and a place where she is still a child, and will be looked after. And in years to come, acknowledge that even when she's an adult, not having a dad is really, really hard.

It sounds so obvious when I say it, and you have acknowledged some of this already so my advice probably isn't really needed, but it's something I didn't get and it's affected me hugely, even 30 years on.

I'm so sorry you are going through this , life is incredibly cruel

Idroppedthescrew it sounds like you have been a huge support to your DD.

In terms of pain of bereavement I describe it as an acute sharp pain, that gives way to a bruise, that eventually fades to an ache that hurts more on some days than others - over decades I mean.

I am so grateful to all of you for taking the time to talk to me about this, for revisiting such massive moments in your lives, for sharing things that are important with a stranger. I can’t express enough how much you are all helping me. What a massive relief it is to be able to talk about this, it’s been weighing on my mind so much

I did most of my talking to a close friend. Her parents had split up the year before and I was supportive and she returned the favour. I didn't talk about him at home alot. One thing I did find positive was a big funeral as seeing lots of people and loads of flowers made me feel he was loved by more than just us.

It might have been a bit different for me as my father had been ill since I was six or seven so I was used to him disappearing for long periods in hospital and in those days children weren't allowed to visit.

Obviously the loss goes on, I was sad he never met my children, sometimes I'd look at my sons and think how much he'd get on with them as they all shared certain characteristics with him, one sport, one his sense of humour etc. He's not forgotten 55 years later.

@Frikonastick

I am so grateful to all of you for taking the time to talk to me about this, for revisiting such massive moments in your lives, for sharing things that are important with a stranger. I can’t express enough how much you are all helping me. What a massive relief it is to be able to talk about this, it’s been weighing on my mind so much

I'm so sorry you're going through this is what I should have said. Xx

@forpeeetssake

My dad died when I was 11, in quite unusual and traumatic circumstances. With hindsight, as an adult, I can see how awful that must have been for my mum, but at the time my main feeling was one of being unsafe and adrift, as she was so wrapped up in her own grief and anger about the situation. She became half the parent, when I needed her to be double the parent, and the dynamic shifted between us so that in a way, as the oldest, I was forced to share responsibilities with her - I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow to try and protect us if anyone broke in, as I didn't feel I could trust her to take that role. You've mentioned the end of childhood - I think my mum could have done a lot to mitigate that, but she didn't, I became someone who suddenly was tasked with more housework, babysitting younger siblings, I could wire a fucking plug and was going up the attic to fetch stuff when I was 12 because that was the stuff my dad used to do and mum couldn't / wouldn't.

She was always angry, always crying, always resentful - it was as if it had happened to her, and her alone, it didn't seem to register that I had lost my dad, it was all about what had happened to her and the lone parent / financial situation she found herself in.

And she then got into a new relationship pretty quickly, with someone who clearly didn't really want us around. My dad was, and is barely mentioned since.

You sound like a lovely mum and I'm 100000% sure you will be entirely different to mine, but if I had to give you one piece of advice, it's to try, as hard as you can, to put your DD first in all of this, even when your own pain is colossal. Make her feel safe, and that even though her dad is gone, you absolutely have her back and her home with you is safe and secure and a place where she is still a child, and will be looked after. And in years to come, acknowledge that even when she's an adult, not having a dad is really, really hard.

It sounds so obvious when I say it, and you have acknowledged some of this already so my advice probably isn't really needed, but it's something I didn't get and it's affected me hugely, even 30 years on.

I'm so sorry you are going through this , life is incredibly cruel

This sounds so much like my life! I'm sorry you went through this too.

Nothing to share at all, just to say I'm so sorry for what your family are going through

So useful about the funeral being so important, and it seems so obvious when some of you have described why it mattered to you so much, and I hadn’t thought of it that way at all. I’m going to talk to DH about it because he has previously not wanted a funeral.

@WorriedWishingWell

Idroppedthescrew it sounds like you have been a huge support to your DD.

In terms of pain of bereavement I describe it as an acute sharp pain, that gives way to a bruise, that eventually fades to an ache that hurts more on some days than others - over decades I mean.

Thank you. I have really tried

Another piece of advice OP, there will be days you say something and you have got it totally wrong. I once asked if my DD was having a sad day. She bit my head off and said 'NO, I am tired because I had a crazy day with friends yesterday, I was really happy until you reminded me my dad is dead and actually I am just living my life when everybody assumes I should be crying instead'
My God, that day I sat and cried in my garden cos I knew I had upset her. Later that day she came down and said 'I proper bit your head off earlier, Im sorry'
I shook my head and told her it was ok.

I also found being a teenager when her dad passed was hard, puberty and grief is an awful combination. It is a battle trying to work out if she is grieving and angry or of she is hormonal or both. I don't even think she knows

Not a teen, but young, 22. They'd already been divorced for a decade so not really similar situation.

I can tell you the number one thing I miss and wish I had is a video of her, or a recording of her voice. I don't have either of those things and I would give my life savings to be able to see her in motion or hear her voice again. Take videos of him telling her what he loves about her and how proud he is. Videos of just normal day to day stuff.

It's really a hard balance to find, but try to be open with her and let her see that you are hurting too, while also being strong for her. I think she needs to feel like you're still capable and in control even if you feel like you need to dissolve. I know a few people who ended up parenting their parent because they were so destroyed the roles were switched around and they found that difficult.

Be open to grief counselling if either of you require it in the future, after 6-12m has passed (it's too soon before then).

See if DH is willing to have a conversation with DD where he talks about his upbringing and childhood and what things were like back then. I really regret not being old enough to have thought to ask my mum more about her childhood and how things were different then.

Above all, you will be okay. Both of you. Grief is awful, it tears you apart, it can take years to move through. But people go through it every day and come out the other side. It's a really sad fact of life but I think being a bit matter of fact about it can help sometimes. Feel your feelings, acknowledge and honour them, it's devastating. At the same time a day will come in the future where you can sit and talk about and laugh about your DH without breaking down in tears. It feels impossible but it will come.

Sorry if this is insensitive, I know your DH is still here, I'm trying to find a balance between now and afterwards. But I appreciate afterwards must feel very difficult to imagine.

This might sound bad but I think people were too sympathetic with me. School let me get away with things, if I was finding something hard I'd get upset and they'd just send me to the sick room. I missed stuff and got behind and in the long run it was bad for me. Obviously children will need support but they also need to get on with life. I wish school had cut the sympathy back gradually and I'd have done better with exams and not ended up studying to get qualifications as a mother.

A friend in this situation said it was photos - n pictures off them and thir parent,,. Their parent had always been taking the pictures so hardly and of them both to gather, so I would suggest making sure you can dig out lots of photos of your dd and her dad, especially ones we're they are close, hugging etc, and take lots of them now to have plenty for dd to keep looking at her dad and them being close, of that makes sense?

Lost my mum at 8, my sister was 13- we had no counselling, no one overly discussed our mum and people on the family ransacked her possessions.
I didn’t want my dad to put his grief onto me but to talk to me would have been beneficial. I would love videos of my mum, some jewellery that was special to her - if we had known she was going to pass I think presents set aside for my life would have been good (ie. a present for my 18th).
Please just keep communication open!

I have no personal experience by DH lost his dad in his teens. He felt he couldn't grieve as everyone else absolutely went to pieces and he 'stayed strong' for his mum and sister. This has caused no end of problems over the years in his grief exploding in fits and bursts as he never had the chance to deal with it when he should have.

So keep an eye on 'holding things together' and find healthy ways to grieve. It's such a difficult time and the teen years are hard as it is. Keep talking, keep supporting each other, ensure she remains a teen and does teen things.

@Frikonastick

I am so grateful to all of you for taking the time to talk to me about this, for revisiting such massive moments in your lives, for sharing things that are important with a stranger. I can’t express enough how much you are all helping me. What a massive relief it is to be able to talk about this, it’s been weighing on my mind so much

I feel a little bad for dumping so many negatives on my above post. You will be grieving too and will need to look after yourself too. I think the best you can do is be there to acknowledge your child's feelings and grief, while not leaning on him or making him feel in the way (because he is young) and letting him lean on you, definitely no "you're the man of the house now" bollocks. Also someone mentioned a plaster cast of hands, in the nicest possible way I'd have hated that. A letter or cards from my parent would have been nice though.

I am a very keen photographer so there are a lot of pics with DD and DH, but no videos, no sound. In this day and age with the iPhone that seems ridiculously old fashioned and it’s not like DD isn’t constantly filming herself doing the tik tok 🙄 but I am going to start getting us all in the frame. Dh would not naturally want to be filmed, but I’m going to explain why it matters. I just want it to be organic rather than forced if you see what I mean

I lost my mum suddenly when I was 17, in my situation I had to look after everyone else and my dad very quickly moved on and shoved me to live in a different country (unsurprisingly I haven't spoken to him since I was about 20). I would say just listen and support them, the fact you are thinking about this already means you are a great parent, it will be tough but you will get through it

My father died when I was a teenager, I still have v happy memories of him. My mother didn't cope that well she had MS and I suppose she was scared. Things she could have done better, not been so desperate for a new man. I wish she kept more photos, she sold some of his family stuff, just because, not because of lack of money. Things she did well, often told me my father would have been proud. My own ds's father died when he was young, we made a memory box, I got some ashes to be made into a Christmas decoration, so his father is part of Christmas every year. My ds is a very happy boy who is doing well, your dc will be fine