Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

@WorriedWishingWell please don’t apologise! At all! Honestly I haven’t felt any of the posts are negative, just honest and open and searingly sad sometimes. Which is appropriate, this is so deeply deeply hard. I sometimes feel as though my very cells are contracting with the pain.

And it’s such a lonely journey, so this thread is like the umbilical cord tied to an astronaut, in the blackness of space.

I am so sorry Frikonastick, I read your post as having a son not a daughter, in my previous messages.

So sorry you are going through this.

My father died suddenly when I was 15. I remember thinking on the day 'who will walk me down the aisle now???'. Such a strange thought.

• I would love a memory book from my dad. Little things he remembers from my childhood.

• Maybe a book of words or thoughts on your DD's future. Something like a good wish message from him for her wedding day, a good wish message if she has children etc (if applicable and for when she is older)

• Could you buy a small locket and have a nice photo of him in it. he can then give this to your DD. I did this and had it wrapped around my wrist and bouquet on my wedding day.

I would think Mcmillans, Maggies or other cancer support services would have more advice for teens and how to support you. Sending hugs

I've got stage 4 cancer and 3 children(6,8 &17)

I'm writing cards for the milestones, adding a notebook with memories, photos, recipes, my fave perfume. All the things that make me, me. I hope to be here for many years to come but I'm preparing for the worst.

I'm currently looking at braiding my hair and putting a lock into the memory box for them.

When I lost my gran at 16 (she raised me) I wasn't able to talk about her to anyone. She was just gone. That was a very dark time.

I’m so sorry you and your dd are going through this. I’m going to add mine and there are already so many painful stories. A lot of them are how not to approach the situation and here’s another.

My dad died when I was mid teens. He had been given the all clear a few years before. How ill he was was hidden from me the first time. I was a similar age to your dd at the time and not knowing how ill he was made it worse. I needed to know for my peace of mind. This is my personality. If I know what I’m dealing with, I can deal with it.

But then the cancer came back. After he got the diagnosis, he said he’d known for some time and died within less than a month. I was mid teens and sitting my exams and his death was right in the middle of all that.

Everyone came over to support my mother. Everyone offered her support, came to talk to her. Even the doctor asked me how she was when I went for an appointment to see him. I suppose it was presumed she was supporting us. And she did a really good job financially. But physically and mentally it was a different story. So it was all made abut her.

Not once did she cuddle or comfort me. Never did she talk to me about him, except to say how disappointed he was in me for ignoring him in town one day when I was with my friends. And how she didn’t tell him that I’d had sex as that would have destroyed him.

She moved on a couple of years later and quickly moved the new partner in without talking to me first. I only knew because I turned up after 3 weeks of university asking for emotional support (I realise now as would never have emotionally supported me) and she asked me in front of him if it was ok if he stayed the night. It obviously wasn’t. But she wasn’t interested in an answer, was she?!

That you’re even asking means you’re going to do a pretty good job. Recordings and cards are a brilliant idea. Anything going forward for the future. I have nothing of my father. No writing. No momentos. The only thing I did have was stolen from me.

Just thought of something else....try and make sure she keeps her relationships with her dad's family. I lost mine as there was a big falling out when my mum remarried and we had nothing to do with my dad's family after that, but about 10 years ago I got the chance to meet up with my dad's cousin, and it was so lovely to hear her memories of him before he even met my mum, what he was like as a child / teenager etc, and she brought me loads of photos. It would have been so nice to have had that when I was much younger.

I’m hearing a pattern of, it’s paramount as the surviving parent, to keep doing all the things you did as a parent before the death, afterwards.

I can do that.

That the child you had before the death of their parent, is still the same child you have afterwards, there’s no sudden ability to just be an adult about it (whatever that looks like). Which is ok, as I never would have expected that anyway.

That it’s ok to openly grieve, but not ok to fall apart in a way that is scary for your child. So I will need to make sure that there is some time and space to do that away from DD when necessary.

That having input and being consulted and involved in appropriate decision making can be hugely beneficial.

To make talking about DH normal and part of our life

I have a very good relationship with Dhs sister and DD is close to her cousins. We are a small family. I will make sure those relationships are prioritised.

It was certainly the end of my childhood.
The teenage years bring so many changes, new experiences, things they are suddenly old enough to do that you weren't before. There will be so many choices to make, discussions about possible career paths, relationships, etc.

My DM had just lost her identity and wanted time to stand still so she could find her feet. Meanwhile, my life ploughed ahead regardless. My DM couldn't deal with it. In her mind, I think she 'parked' me as if she could just pick me up in a couple of years when she was ready.

I felt I lost two parents instead of one.

My children were older teens when their dad was diagnosed with cancer and given a very short prognosis.
My husband wanted to be open with them so we held nothing back. We took them to visit the hospice my husband wanted for his final days so they were familiar with the setting and met a few of the people who would be involved in his end of life care.
Once we were down to final days and my husband was in and out of consciousness in the hospice I took their lead. One wasn’t coping and so said his goodbyes and didn’t visit the hospice again. The other continued to visit but neither wanted to be there at the end and that was ok . Again when he passed only one wanted to see him on the morning of his funeral and again that ok so everything was done to a level each was comfortable with.
When my husband knew he didn’t have much time left he gave me a list he had complied of personal items that had meaning to him that he wanted to be given to each child. Once he was gone, the funeral over and we had time to just be us we made memory boxes together. We went through the family photo albums and they each choose a photo to have framed for their rooms and to go on the front of the memory box.
Each box held not only valuable jewellery like rings, expensive watches but also personal silly items like silly statues and figures he kept on his desk an old hankie, playing cards etc.
How a few years later the boxes are intact and are very precious to them even though they rarely open them. We are now at a stage we can happily remember him without the pain of his passing. Often a sentence will start with Do you remember when dad…… or dad would have….
It took time and a lot of tears but we got through and I tried to do everything at their pace and only what they were comfortable with.

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.

My dad died when I was 12, and I had 2 older teen siblings too. The worst thing my mum did was kinda... vanish. Like she was still there, but not really there. I don't know if it was grief or if it was her parenting style though. Not only did she never talk about him, or our grief, she just didn't parent us any more. No encouragement for school work, no congrats on great grades (for me), or the failing grades (my siblings). No outings, holidays, doing stuff at home, nothing.
No staying in touch with dad's family (all organised by them, or by me when I was older).
Never been offered to visit dad's grave. The first time I did that was a few years ago with his family, when his mum died.

Like PP's, I have no photos either. I have one photo of him holding me as a baby. I'm certain there would be more somewhere, but my mother has certainly never offered me any.

The funeral was a weird, weird day for me. I was still in shock, denial even. And I get that my mum was grieving, but I did not spend the morning at home. I was sent to a friend's house. Friends mum even had to buy me an outfit for the funeral. I went with friend to the funeral. It was weird. Then after the funeral, me and my siblings stood out the front while people lined up to say sorry to us, by ourselves. Don't know where mum was. 🤔 And as a kid who'd never been to a funeral, I was so confused as to why people were apologising to me! Even if mum had just stood with me, would've been something rather than absence.
Anyway I'm sure you won't do that! I guess I'm just venting, as I've never really talked about it.

As far as your question about grieving, I think it's ok to get upset in front of your child, but be open about it and maybe try and turn it into a nice reminiscing session. I don't think you should cover up your grief, your child needs to see that it's ok to be upset.

I'm sure you'll be a great support for your child. Even just asking this question shows that you're putting thought and effort in already. Hugs to you all xx

@wandawaves, so be present. I can do that. Thank you. It’s been very reaffirming to be able to say, yes, I can do that, to peoples suggestions and recommendations. I can do it. I can do the things.

It helps

Voice recordings even just reading books. Not videos as you are lost in the physical body and illness but the voice heard through headphones so special.

This happened - many years ago - in my family where the mother died suddenly. The father expected his daughters to run the house for him, doing all the housework, cleaning, laundry etc to the exact same standard as their mother had done, prioritising housework over homework. He didn't lift a finger.

The daughters found this hugely traumatic, and detrimental to their education, and it has affected them throughout their lives.

I was 13 when my dad died, he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 2 weeks later. So it wasn't something I was prepared for at all, although I don't think anyone was. I went to see him in the funeral home and for me that was a mistake, if your DD wants to see him after he passes you should prepare her for this. My mum did her best but obviously favoured my brother as he looks just like my dad. That was 20 years ago and we still cannot mention him in a happy way, any mention is always so downhearted. As time passes it would be good if you and your DD can remember happy times together, or do things that your DH enjoyed in celebration of him.

[quote Frikonastick]@wandawaves, so be present. I can do that. Thank you. It’s been very reaffirming to be able to say, yes, I can do that, to peoples suggestions and recommendations. I can do it. I can do the things.

It helps[/quote]
And there may be days when you cannot do those things, or not in a way that you want to, because you will be dealing with your own grief too, but that is OK too.

My mother died when I was 6 at a time when you were expected to just carry on & no one talked about her - except one of my father’s friends to whom I was very grateful though he lived far away so we rarely saw him. No photos or any of her things about but over the years managed to find a few. Still no one talked about her & when got the courage to to talk to aunts it was too late (memory).

Many comments are about the parent not being talked about & this is not going to happen with you which is so much better.

How about memory boxes or cards with messages for birthdays or significant life events?

💐

Not me but my DH lost his DF when he was 17. Don't be surprised at how they deal with it. My DH misses him more now, 40 years on, than he did then. (Some) children are so wrapped up in their own world it seems to almost pass them by, everyone grieves differently.

@wandawaves

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.

My dad died when I was 12, and I had 2 older teen siblings too. The worst thing my mum did was kinda... vanish. Like she was still there, but not really there. I don't know if it was grief or if it was her parenting style though. Not only did she never talk about him, or our grief, she just didn't parent us any more. No encouragement for school work, no congrats on great grades (for me), or the failing grades (my siblings). No outings, holidays, doing stuff at home, nothing.
No staying in touch with dad's family (all organised by them, or by me when I was older).
Never been offered to visit dad's grave. The first time I did that was a few years ago with his family, when his mum died.

Like PP's, I have no photos either. I have one photo of him holding me as a baby. I'm certain there would be more somewhere, but my mother has certainly never offered me any.

The funeral was a weird, weird day for me. I was still in shock, denial even. And I get that my mum was grieving, but I did not spend the morning at home. I was sent to a friend's house. Friends mum even had to buy me an outfit for the funeral. I went with friend to the funeral. It was weird. Then after the funeral, me and my siblings stood out the front while people lined up to say sorry to us, by ourselves. Don't know where mum was. 🤔 And as a kid who'd never been to a funeral, I was so confused as to why people were apologising to me! Even if mum had just stood with me, would've been something rather than absence.
Anyway I'm sure you won't do that! I guess I'm just venting, as I've never really talked about it.

As far as your question about grieving, I think it's ok to get upset in front of your child, but be open about it and maybe try and turn it into a nice reminiscing session. I don't think you should cover up your grief, your child needs to see that it's ok to be upset.

I'm sure you'll be a great support for your child. Even just asking this question shows that you're putting thought and effort in already. Hugs to you all xx

My Dad died 10 days before my 14th birthday and i would echo the above that it felt like i lost both parents. I know it happened quick - first sign of being unwell was on boxing day and he dies of cancer on Good Friday - we only knew it was cancer for around 6 weeks. My Mum was disabled and my Dad was her carer so it must have been very overwhelming.

You have had lots of good advice but I will add I was also extremely embarrassed by it all and did not want others like the school etc to know. I did not want to be girl whose Dad had just died. So be prepared that this may happen.

Lots of people have mentioned letters or cards and memory books, but DH isn’t in a place where he can do that. I’m hoping he might still, but it’s also ok if he can’t.

I'm very sorry OP and my sympathies to other kind posters sharing their experiences.

For the video of your husband could you do something like a light hearted interview or questions and answers? Make it a bit of a daft game? Xxx what was your first pet, favourite icecream flavour, first CD etc.

Take lots of pictures (it makes me so sad there's a finite number of photos of me and my dad), create a memory book all together if you can and get his handwriting down somewhere- I love finding random things with his writing, just knowing he touched it.

Things not to do is allow him to push her away. I've a friend who's DDad encouraged him to go out and play, friend bitterly regrets that he spent time messing around outside playing football while his Dad was dying. He wishes he spent time talking to him.

Don't get rid of all his belongings. Keep a few special bits of clothing, football tops, music t-shirts, nice jacket.

Does he play an instrument? Could he teach DD even a little?

Definitely video him, brutally hard to do but message for her wedding, would be lovely.

The question and answer game suggested about would be great too, not just for DD but for the day she has children, but isn't able to share her Dad with them.

I'd agree with keeping her involved with funeral.

Really sorry you are going through this. Sending love.

I was thinking of imagine your senses. So somethings to smell, of him, his aftershave. Of sight so pictures etc. Touch could be his handwriting. Hearing would be recording of his voice. Taste, I'm stuck. But you get the idea. And if he doesn't like to be on film what about her doing an chatty interview with him and it could be both ways so not just his favourites ..... but hers too. Would you maybe be able to do that where people record the heartbeat and put in a teddy? You can buy and name a star, maybe name one as him and then the thing of him being up there watching her will have a different take on it. The handcasting that someone else said is a fantastic idea. You sound an amazing Mum.