Aibu to ask if your Mum or dad died when you were a teenager

[Frikonastick]

If there is anything your surviving parent could have done better either before or after the other parent died?

I’m not sure ‘better’ is the right word exactly, but my DH has stage 4 cancer and DD is 13 and he won’t have much longer with us, and I feel like I’m not doing enough. Or doing the right things.

But I have no idea what is right, or what would be good that I can’t know because I never went through this as a child myself and I just want to do my best for DD and DH

So I thought there must be people here, that this has happened to, that I can ask. That will know what I should do.

I know it’s hard but really try not to offload all of your grief and misery onto your DCs. My DM did that and it made everything so, so hard for teenage me and so much more traumatic than it had to be.

I was 13 when mum died. I had to move in with my dad and step mum when mum went into a coma, and then she died two days later on a Sunday. Dad made me go back to school the following day. I got a day off for the funeral but apart from that, life went on. I think that may be why I've never properly grieved for mum. I just kind of shut it all out to get on with "normal" life.
My sister stayed at mum's house, sorting things with the help of mum's family, so I didn't have her either. My step mum and dad had an affair behind mum's back, before she first got ill and throughout until dad and mum divorced, so there were tons of emotions even without mum dying. We weren't allowed to mention mum. I am only now learning about her life when she was younger.
I wish we'd been able to do things together like I see friends doing with their mums.
A PPs idea about cards for their birthdays, wedding etc is great. I did have a present from mum the Christmas after she died and I treasured it for years.
It's shit what you and your children are going to go through, but be kind to yourselves, let them (and you) feel how you feel without having to be strong for anyone, or worried about upsetting each other.
If your DH can, the idea of a kind of baby book about him would be really good. They could learn about their dad in their own time. Maybe if he has funny stories about things he got up to in his youth, he could tell them but also write them down.

Hugs to you all for this crappy time.x

OP it seems weird in a way but the people I know who quickly went into another relationship (my mother included) all seemed to have had very happy marriages. I think there is a big gap and filling the gap seems like a good idea, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't (it didn't for my mother but that's another story)

I hate it when people are criticised for remarrying, I believe everyone has to deal with things in their own way and shouldn't be judged. I can't imagine ever remarrying but I guess I won't know how I'll feel unless it happens. A colleague of mine attended a wedding the week before my wedding, it was his 89 year old gran and her 92 year old partner, they met in a care home and fell in love. I thought it was very touching that they got that last bit of happiness.

I think at the moment you are doing the right thing, focusing on your husband, your daughter and yourself. I hope you are all doing as well as you can in the circumstances.

My mum died when I was in my early twenties. I always really missed the sound of her voice. The only recording we have of her voice is her voicemail announcement on her mobile. My dad never cancelled her phone contract now nearly twenty years later. All I can say, try to have recordings of him