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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU in not wanting to ask for maintenance. Need some sense!

242 replies

swiftt · 06/07/2021 14:52

I’ve posted about this situation before. Back story: I have a 3 week old baby. Her dad is involved but we are not together, and we never have been. He stayed with me for 2 weeks after her birth and is currently seeing her for a few hours every other evening and more at the weekend. He works full time. I’m on maternity leave and it drops down to approx £150/week as of this month.

I asked if we could have a discussion about maintenance amounts months ago and he put it off, we argued and eventually he said we’d sort it nearer the time. Well, she’s here now and we still haven’t come to an agreement. I know I need to bring this up with him again but he has made some comments recently about money and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I think about bringing it up. We had a newborn photo shoot done last week and when I asked him to transfer me his half for the photos (this was agreed well in advance of doing the photo shoot) he said, ‘oh, I want a new TV. Will you pay half?’ Then said he was just joking about how he wants something and I should pay half for it. I asked him in advance if he wanted the photos done and gave him the option of saying no, so to pass that off as a joke really felt like more of a dig to me.

He’s also made other comments in the past about how unfair maintenance is etc, and I feel like I’m just anticipating an argument about him basically not wanting to give me money, even though it’s for our daughter. I said to him before that even if I don’t end up needing the money for her, I’d save it in a bank account for her. I’m not the type to go and spend it on crap for the sake of it.

He’s coming over to see her tonight and I really need to nail this conversation as I’m well aware that I’m just dragging it on and making it worse but I feel so anxious about it. For context, he has bought a couple of packs of nappies and brings some stuff in from the shops for me when he visits (had a c section so I can’t drive yet). I’ve bought anything else we’ve needed for baby since she was born and haven’t asked him to contribute.

Also very aware of how pathetic I sound in this situation. I usually don’t have issues with assertiveness but he’s really difficult to have a conversation with and I’m not feeling totally in the right headspace just yet, with dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation and doing it mostly on my own. From my other threads, I also know this doesn’t bode well for co-parenting but I just need advice on the here and now.

Bottom line here: I feel irrationally guilty about asking for child maintenance money even though my daughter is entitled to it. How do I grow some balls?!

OP posts:
Original poster
swiftt · 21/07/2021 07:27

I haven’t cancelled the claim. I told him that’s fine for this month and that I’m sure the amount will end up being the same anyway since he used their calculator, but if for some reason he’s worked it out to be more than they have then I will, of course, pay him back the extra. I’m 99% sure they’ll actually calculate it to be more than the figure he’s said.

Thanks again everyone. I think I’d definitely have just backed down and dropped the claim and been a doormat without the support here. It’s these comments that I really need to hear, and I remind myself every time I’m feeling unsure that this isn’t for me and I need to do the right thing by my daughter.

I really think he’s annoyed because he’s lost a sense of control that he had. Everything up until this point has been on his terms. I let so many things slide for the sake of keeping the peace but I realise now how silly that is.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 21/07/2021 07:32

Keep the CMS claim open. He’s shown that he will use emotions to manipulate you. Him using phrases such as “if your that desperate” making it sound as if yhe isn’t can’t provide for your child when you can is just a way of getting you to say that you don’t need his money.

I highly doubt his calculation will be anywhere near accurate either.

I would also get a contact arrangement set up and agreed to

cptartapp · 21/07/2021 07:34

Pay him back nothing. He'll be underpaying the true cost for years even using the calculator.
What has he contributed or bought so far?

GrandmasCat · 21/07/2021 07:41

Honestly, it is a bit silly to keep engaging on maintenance issues directly with him when you have already the CMS doing it for you. For the sake of your DD and the future relationship with her dad, stop discussing maintenance with him directly, you are only creating more animosity and lowering your chances to get what it should if he shows CMS that you are happy to get less, and FGS do not return the money, he has not paid anything so far!

CMS is on the case, from now on, he pays what he should and you report him to them if he doesn’t. Period.

Uramaki · 21/07/2021 08:06

Just stick with the CMS he's had long enough

QueenBee52 · 21/07/2021 12:50

@Uramaki

Just stick with the CMS he's had long enough

he most certainly has 🌸

DameFanny · 21/07/2021 14:10

Well done @swiftt. Make sure CMS know when he gets that pay rise too Wink

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2021 15:20

He's squirming now so don't let him off the hook or he'll just try every time. If you have boundaries at the beginning, you need them less as time goes on.

He's going to keep trying tactics for a little while though.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/07/2021 16:07

You've done the right thing don't let him make you doubt yourself.

KnobJockey · 21/07/2021 16:38

Well done @swiftt! If ever you feel uncomfortable about saying something or doing something, just remind yourself that he's feeling fine about making you uncomfortable, leaving you to deal with being short of money, letting you run around after him, even going in a different room in YOUR HOUSE to sulk! You wouldn't need to be cheeky if he wasn't doing it first.

So money in hand, what's next? How would you like his visits to your daughter to be like? Do you want to be in the room and responsible for her care, or do you want him to genuinely be able to do everything you do? Because if you do (and I definitely suggest you should!) then it's time for you to stop being responsible for everything for her and hide to let him get on with it. Don't wait for him to offer to get her ready for bed/bath, simply say- you know where the bathroom is for bathtime, hers is the purple bubble bath, her sleepsuit is in the drawer, I'll be down at x time to feed her once you've done. Then go lay on your bed with a book. He won't do it til you make it clear he is responsible for it.

GrandmasCat · 21/07/2021 23:30

True, and it is very important you let him take care of her from early on. A lot of men turn into useless parents because the mum is doing all the care and they never learn to take proper care of their kids or appreciate the huge amount of time and effort raising a kid is.

Original poster
swiftt · 23/07/2021 16:49

Another update.

He’s paid me the amount that he’s calculated. Apparently CMS have used last years income and he did loads of overtime so it’s way higher than it should be. I’ve told him he needs to get in touch with them to sort it out. He said he’d phone them today and he hasn’t. I haven’t heard from CMS myself. He has 2 weeks to sort it out with them. Today he said it doesn’t matter as he’s paid me now. I just kept repeating that it needs to be sorted through them. That was the whole point of this, I don’t want to have these awkward discussions with him. I hope he does sort it with them, otherwise he’ll be liable for this higher amount that CMS has calculated until he proves to them his income otherwise, won’t he? He seems to think I’ll just go along with him paying whatever he likes, despite the CMS calculation but he’ll soon realise that’s not the case.

OP posts:
Pingued · 23/07/2021 16:52

Just repeat..I am not discussing it with you, you need to talk to CMS.

Pingued · 23/07/2021 16:53

He needs to learn his boundaries and stop pestering you about the money.

Ju11tne · 23/07/2021 16:59

Stick with the CMS OP!
You will know when your child's father earnings increase or decrease and they will decide on the amount. It's easier and fairer for the sake of your child.

CMS won't charge him extra if he complies.

DameFanny · 23/07/2021 16:59

"it's out of my hands now, anyway baby did a cute thing/isn't this sun lovely/are you doing bath time on Monday" etc etc

Pingued · 23/07/2021 17:01

@DameFanny

"it's out of my hands now, anyway baby did a cute thing/isn't this sun lovely/are you doing bath time on Monday" etc etc
That's a good idea. Keeps the relationship with his child seperate to the maintenance.
QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 01:15

STOP letting him dictate to you ...

if he starts talking CMS .. stop him..

AND sounds as though he's earning way more than he is telling you.. regardless of his bullshit excuses and he would say that wouldn't he.. 🙄

Stick with the CMS 🌸

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2021 01:56

Apparently CMS have used last years income and he did loads of overtime so it’s way higher than it should be.

Interesting that he wants to do overtime when he wants but not to support his child. Huh? Weird.

If these conversations are in person, you need to leave him to it during his contact and go upstairs/garden/wherever he isn't. If it's texts that's what the thumbs up emoji is for. "Just check with CMS" Blah from him. Thumbs up emoji.

GrandmasCat · 24/07/2021 03:24

You really need to stop these conversations and he needs to pay what the CMS is calculating not what he thinks he should do. If his salary goes up you wouldn’t see any increase for a year why does he think it is ok to short change you to start with?

Don’t engage with him and do not waste the CMS time allowing to change the goals. Things are very simple, the CMS is not pussy footing about these things these days. If you report a missed payment or a smaller one it goes automatically to Collection which means he has to pay 20% more and you will receive 4% less but at least your child’s money will be safe as they will take the amount from his salary before it gets to him.

I would also be less accommodating to such piece of shit, if he is like that to start with, what would he become over the years?

Longdistance · 24/07/2021 04:23

Stop having those conversations with him. Stop giving him chances to pay. He’s flakey, so just stick to CMS, regardless of ‘overtime’ which I think is complete BS..

Justilou1 · 24/07/2021 04:29

He is an utter manchild. I’m so glad you’re not together. He will drift off into the ether soonish anyway. Don’t remind him of anything with CMS. Let that be his problem. When he asks what’s for dinner, say “I dunno… Mc Donald’s? Uber Eats? Whatever you want… You have a phone.” Make sure he takes his rubbish with him.

PearPickingPorky · 24/07/2021 05:06

Oh how utterly predictable that there's an excuse as to why the CMS amount is too much Hmm

This money is for your daughter. It's the absolute bare minimum, legally, that he should be paying. He's not even pulling his weight in non-financial ways. He seems to think you're the only one who should be responsible for her, what a prick.

If you're now only earning SMP, then I assume you have lost hundreds of even thousands a month off income? Why does he, and you!, think you should best that cost while he only has to cough up for some nappies, under duress?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 24/07/2021 06:10

Men like this always think CMS is too much. In reality it's often not much compared to the real costs of raising a child, especially if full time child care is needed. The main carer usually bares more of the financial burden as well as most of the day to day responsibility and a bigger impact on their ability to earn. CMS is the absolute minimum contribution a parent should be make be making.

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 16:36

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Men like this always think CMS is too much. In reality it's often not much compared to the real costs of raising a child, especially if full time child care is needed. The main carer usually bares more of the financial burden as well as most of the day to day responsibility and a bigger impact on their ability to earn. CMS is the absolute minimum contribution a parent should be make be making.

so true 🌸