I know IABU in not wanting to ask for maintenance. Need some sense!

[swiftt]

I’ve posted about this situation before. Back story: I have a 3 week old baby. Her dad is involved but we are not together, and we never have been. He stayed with me for 2 weeks after her birth and is currently seeing her for a few hours every other evening and more at the weekend. He works full time. I’m on maternity leave and it drops down to approx £150/week as of this month.

I asked if we could have a discussion about maintenance amounts months ago and he put it off, we argued and eventually he said we’d sort it nearer the time. Well, she’s here now and we still haven’t come to an agreement. I know I need to bring this up with him again but he has made some comments recently about money and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I think about bringing it up. We had a newborn photo shoot done last week and when I asked him to transfer me his half for the photos (this was agreed well in advance of doing the photo shoot) he said, ‘oh, I want a new TV. Will you pay half?’ Then said he was just joking about how he wants something and I should pay half for it. I asked him in advance if he wanted the photos done and gave him the option of saying no, so to pass that off as a joke really felt like more of a dig to me.

He’s also made other comments in the past about how unfair maintenance is etc, and I feel like I’m just anticipating an argument about him basically not wanting to give me money, even though it’s for our daughter. I said to him before that even if I don’t end up needing the money for her, I’d save it in a bank account for her. I’m not the type to go and spend it on crap for the sake of it.

He’s coming over to see her tonight and I really need to nail this conversation as I’m well aware that I’m just dragging it on and making it worse but I feel so anxious about it. For context, he has bought a couple of packs of nappies and brings some stuff in from the shops for me when he visits (had a c section so I can’t drive yet). I’ve bought anything else we’ve needed for baby since she was born and haven’t asked him to contribute.

Also very aware of how pathetic I sound in this situation. I usually don’t have issues with assertiveness but he’s really difficult to have a conversation with and I’m not feeling totally in the right headspace just yet, with dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation and doing it mostly on my own. From my other threads, I also know this doesn’t bode well for co-parenting but I just need advice on the here and now.

Bottom line here: I feel irrationally guilty about asking for child maintenance money even though my daughter is entitled to it. How do I grow some balls?!

I wouldn’t even bother being friendly, civil absolutely but not friendly where he’s cooking you dinner and letting him move in with you, that shouldn’t be happening. Hope he’s gone home now?

[quote swiftt]@Ohhyeahright not great. He found out that I’ve gone through CMS and isn’t happy. Said he thought we were sorting it ourselves. I said so did I but I hadn’t heard anything from him about it. He said I’ve only mentioned it once since she was born (maybe after he’d made me bring it up 10 times he’d have finally sorted it out? 😒). I told him I mentioned it months ago too, and at least this way they’ll calculate it fairly for him and it will actually get sorted. Now he’s pissed off that I didn’t tell him I was applying. And as usual, I feel guilty and like I need to justify it to him - even though I know I don’t! He keeps saying he would have sorted it - when? She’d have moved out by the time he did!

@PumpkinKlNG I’m under no illusions that it will be difficult. But I’m trying my best to keep things friendly. Obviously it’s not going well at the moment but that’s on him, not me.[/quote]
He said that you'd only mentioned it once and he thinks that's a good reason for him sitting on his hands and doing nothing about it (even if you hadn't tried to sort it out well in advance).

So his daughter has been around for three weeks, he's bought a couple of packs of nappies and you've mentioned money but he hasn't actually given you any at all and he thinks you should be what? Nagging him for it? Begging? Cooking him more food so he feels like it's worth it?

Don't feel guilty! Don't justify yourself. Raise an eyebrow when he comes up with these cop-outs. He isn't stepping up and you are not obliged to do all the heavy lifting.

But you did tell him you were going to CMS @swiftt - look at your previous posts - he's lying to your face!

He's had plenty of time to sort this out for himself, if he had any intentions of paying maintenance then he would have already started. It's not unfair at all - who does he think should be paying for his child?

@DameFanny I know. I mustn’t have been clear enough. I think my exact words were ‘I can just go through CMS if it’s easier’ and he didn’t say ‘no, we can sort it ourselves’ so surely that’s fair enough warning.

Thanks again everyone. I remind myself of your comments when I start to feel guilty again. I just hate the thought of the next 18 years of animosity or tension and am really trying my hardest for us to get along. But I still need to stick up for myself, do what’s right for my daughter and not be a doormat.

@swiftt

You did the right thing for your Child... the end

He's pissed because he has lost the control ...

Your Child needs this contribution 🌸

Stay positive... don't let him make you feel shit., he's being a prickly twat and dragging his heels.. well this is where dragging his heels gets him... you did the right thing ☺️

Why are you 'doing your best to keep things friendly?'

Honestly, don't bother. The key here is to put distance between you. Anything else smacks of still not being over him or wanting to please / appease him all the time. Just don't. Polite and distant is the only way to avoid posting about this man for the next decade or so

I voted unreasonable because you should definitely not try to "negotiate" a voluntary plan. Apply to CMS immediately.

He said I’ve only mentioned it once since she was born (maybe after he’d made me bring it up 10 times he’d have finally sorted it out? 😒)

How many times did your baby ask you before you got stuff for her? None? Then why the hell does he need to be asked? He’s pathetic, a shameful excuse for a father. Please don’t feel guilty, this is for your baby.

You say you 'mustn't have been clear enough' - please stop trying to take responsibility for his lack of comprehension. It suits him to be vague and have you run around trying to fit your needs into whatever he'll find acceptable - but it's a pointless exercise.

You said your baby would need maintenance. You said you'd go to CMS. Not presenting him with a typed plan in triplicate is no reason for him to think that 'oh, maybe they don't need money after all'.

Please please stop making excuses for him - that's another thing he's more than capable of doing for himself.

And don't stop the CMS claim when he comes back after thinking about it and says he'll do you a more appropriate deal. Remember, CMS only costs him more if he doesn't pay direct, so he has nothing to lose. You have everything to lose if you trust him to do the right thing.

He sounds like he’s being deliberately tricky to me ☹️. What a shame for you and DD, he doesn’t sound like he’s onboard with this at all... full of excuses abs deliberate vagueness.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. And you need the money NOW, not way in the future IF he chooses to contribute. CMS will be much better route for you. Takes the emotion out of the situation.

Don’t even try to negotiate with him, go straight to the CMS. Just let him know that you have applied and that he has nothing to worry about as it will be (sadly) just a very small amount of his salary, 15% to be exact…

Until the women is saying “I’m on the pill, don’t you trust me?”

Ahh yes, well seeing as this happens All The Time, even more reason for men to insist on using a condom then isn’t it? Especially with a woman he’s not even in a relationship with. 🙄

Seriously @swiftt? Apologies if this comes across as harsh but why are you being such a doormat??? Did you get a tattoo of "Doormat" done while you were in the hospital having your DD??
This is money that will go to looking after your daughter's requirements (and you honestly have no idea what they will be over the years). This is just the start of it all.
Your lazy-arse sperm-donor boyfriend wants to skip through life with no responsibilities and you are left metaphorically and actually holding the baby!

Stop making him dinner. Stop waiting on him hand and foot like he is some Greek God or something.

Grow a spine! If you get nothing else out of this bloke, get the money that your DAUGHTER is owed. You are acting on HER behalf yet you are making out that the money is for you. It actually isn't. Act in the interests of your daughter.

Just remember that the money isn't for you, you're not taking it out of his bank account and leaving him with nothing. This is for his daughter. If he's not happy to provide for her then that's a reflection on him, not you.

If it puts your mind to rest, the maintenance I used to get from my exH was enough for my DD’s bus pass for the month when she started secondary, nothing else.

He’s not her boyfriend or ex, they were never in a relationship, she said that on the last thread. I think if she thinks they are going to co parent or even get along for the next 18 years then she is very naive, I would be very surprised if he sticks around at all.

@swiftt

Firstly, congratulations on your little one

Secondly, you are simply incredible for doing this alone. Those early weeks are TOUGH (my baby is 12 weeks and it's got slightly easier but I can't even imagine having done it all alone). Your baby is lucky to have such a strong mummy.

Thirdly, I echo all the rest of the advice - stand by your guns and do not let this idiot fob you off. I hope the CMS are helpful and that get what you and your baby are entitled to and deserve. Sending and to you

Oh ... and I can't believe you made him tea with a newborn! Kudos to you - I could barely find the time to stick a few pieces of toast in the toaster in those early weeks 😂

That said ... please don't be making him any meals again!!

It's short-term pain for long-term gain. There's a not a hope in hell he'd have paid voluntarily for years. You'd be begging, he'd use it to control you. Now it's all set up and sorted. No ongoing conversations necessary.

And bonus, you've signaled to him you aren't quite the mug he thought. That's good.

He’s just been over to see her and, stupidly I know, I mentioned that CMS had processed the claim and would be in touch with him soon but I also gave him the heads up that it’ll need paid this month. Well, I’m totally unreasonable because if I’d just waited a few days, he’d have sorted it. He told me he didn’t know how much he was getting paid which is why he hasn’t sorted it already. He categorically did not tell me that, he told me that after I told him I’d gone to CMS! Also, who takes a new job without knowing their salary? I know it’s just excuse after excuse and I’m so annoyed with myself for getting upset again. He left the living room and sulked in my kitchen for about half an hour whilst I fed the baby. I actually thought he’d left. I ended up saying to him that I don’t understand why he’s even annoyed if it was goon to get sorted anyway, well the outcome is the same this way? He’s still having to pay the bare minimum! Then he started on about how I’ve got the ‘better deal’ here because I get to see her all the time. I had to try and explain (again, I know I shouldn’t even entertain it) that actually it’s really hard going being a stay at home mum with a newborn and I could do without the stress of money worries. Well, unreasonable me again apparently. He says it’s hard that he only gets to see her every other day. He knows fine well that he’s welcome to see her here any time he likes, I’ve never stipulated contact and we don’t have an agreement about it so if he wanted to see her more then he absolutely could. Wouldn’t even stay an extra 20 minutes tonight to give her a bath and get her ready for bed whilst I grabbed some cold dinner. Couldn’t possibly do that. Need to stop engaging with him, I know. He didn’t even say bye, just said ‘don’t worry, you’ll get your money’ and left. Kicking myself now for even saying anything in the first place.

Careful there, “see her whenever you want” is the perfect recipe for massive issues down the line. You both need to agree to a pattern of contact.

You need to agree on a routine to see her, because you and your kid need that structure to manage your child expectations, organise your work/book nursery and rebuild your life.

There is also a important thing, a lot of men suddenly decide they want 50/50 contact. It may work for some couples, especially where the dad is a very hands on responsible parent but in many occasions it is because if you agree to 50/50 they don’t have to pay maintenance at all (if it accidentally go to 51/49 on his favour, easily done with a miscalculated holiday, you loose your child benefit, universal credit and have to pay him maintenance) So don’t go the easy going route with a flaky parent who has not even imagined he must pay maintenance regularly even after months of visiting his child. You need to start as you plan to go.

*Careful there, “see her whenever you want” is the perfect recipe for massive issues down the line. You both need to agree to a pattern of contact.

You need to agree on a routine to see her, because you and your kid need that structure to manage your child expectations, organise your work/book nursery and rebuild your life.*

Absolutely this
If you're not careful you'll end up cancelling stuff that you want to do with your dd or not doing stuff just in case your ex pops round. Your dd will suffer if you start living ad hoc like this - kids like routine and Dad popping round whenever could lead to her feeling anxious because she doesn't know whether he's coming or not. Even if routine sounds crap because you're a laid back person, it's a sensitive thing to do imo.

You really need to get tougher with him. When he visits the baby he needs to sort himself out entirely and bring his own food if he can't deal with not eating for a couple of hours, and he needs to be responsible for all care for the baby whilst there, and you can go crack on doing something else in the house. And it would be easier for you if there was a visiting schedule too, so you can make other plans and so he has no room to just turn up whenever he wants.