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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father taking DS abroad

179 replies

Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 14:03

Hi

DS is 3, his dad only sees him when he wants to. Ive always contacted him every other week offering different times, locations etc but he hardly shows up

He has never been in our son's life and even when he sees DS, he just talks to me about legal stuff and how I should contact the Home Office and tell them how he's a great dad, so they should let him stay here (came on a spouse visa which was curtailed due to our divorce, now he's trying to stay here on the basis of our son)

Anyways, he started talking about how he wants to take DS back to his home country for 3 weeks next year as his parents want to see him

Can he do this even though he hardly sees DS? Our son cries everytime his dad comes near him, he's non verbal so he cannot express himself. I want them to have a relationship which is why I always message him asking him to let me know when hes free

Solicitor is trying to put together an agreement for contact and has put supervised, then unsupervised..then overnights

Ex is saying 'hes wont die if i take him back home will he?' No but it would be great if DS was comfortable with him first

Is he allowed to force DS to go abroad even though hes pretty much absent and wont spend longer than 45 mins when he shows up?

OP posts:
Womendohavevaginasnick · 06/07/2021 17:56

Don't let him take him anywhere. I doubt he plans on bringing him home again.

Hanab · 06/07/2021 18:02

I did not read the thread tbh .. but on a previous post ( a couple of years ago) someone said you can put some sort of block so that your child is not taken out of the country by their foreign parent .. something about high risk .. can anyone elaborate?

TheWeeDonkey · 06/07/2021 18:08

Fuck that shit. He'll have him bundled off with some distant auntie before you know it and then it'll depend on how helpful the foreign office is when you'll see him again.

Rubyupbeat · 06/07/2021 18:29

Please hold onto his pass port, I would be so worried about your ex taking him to india.

DishingOutDone · 06/07/2021 18:36

I’m really confused where your solicitor is at - surely they could see the risks right in front of their face? Why are they saying facilitating this man is fair to your son?!

Chloemol · 06/07/2021 18:48

No I would t let him go. Stop trying to make arrangements for him to see your child. Let him do it

And tell the court the truth, that he rarely sees his son and your son cries when he sees him etc

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 18:48

@DishingOutDone

I’m really confused where your solicitor is at - surely they could see the risks right in front of their face? Why are they saying facilitating this man is fair to your son?!

I agree...

change Solicitor and fast

Emmelina · 06/07/2021 18:59

He can’t return as he has no right to. I’m afraid he’ll just vanish with your little boy and you’d be lucky to see him again. Do everything you can to stop it!

GameSetMatch · 06/07/2021 19:09

DO NOT LET YOUR SON GO TO INDIA ALONE!!!!

You may never see him again, lock his passport away and never tell him where it is.

Barbie222 · 06/07/2021 19:15

No. Don't allow any unsupervised contact at all at this point and just say you consider him a flight risk. India's a big place and there are ways and means.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/07/2021 19:24

OP, does your ex realise that it could be more than a year before this is resolved?

mam0918 · 06/07/2021 19:44

Pretty sure he can't, Im a child of devorce and wasnt allowed to be taken out of the country by either parent because neither would give the other legal permission.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/07/2021 19:53

@BingBongToTheMoon

NOT A FUCKING CHANCE IN HELL!! Speak to your lawyer urgently. You can get your son’s passport flagged so he can’t be taken out if the country. Also, does your ex have an Indian passport for his son? He has no leave to remain and wants to take your son to India?! He won’t be back. Sorry to be harsh, but no no no. Don’t sign any “agreement” drawn up by a solicitor that has not been ordered by a judge. I’m actually terrified for both you and your son here,
Listen to BingBong ^ You are in serious danger of losing your child. STOP chasing him for visits. Let him go to court showing he has made no visits and is only using the child to get to stay in the country.
GettingItOutThere · 06/07/2021 19:56

not a chance in hell

stop chasing contact too - he does not want it! you are giving your son a worse deal by allowing this!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2021 03:44

@mam0918

Pretty sure he can't, Im a child of devorce and wasnt allowed to be taken out of the country by either parent because neither would give the other legal permission.
Yeah, that only works when people abide by the rules. Illegal child abduction is far too common, especially to countries who aren't signed up to the Hague convention - it's just not worth ANY risk.
Anon359 · 07/07/2021 05:45

@Hopelessandlost
Never allow this. Even if you go with them.
Watch the film 'Not without my daughter'
If grandparents want to see DC then they can visit the UK

BunnyRuddington · 07/07/2021 07:33

I don't really know a lot about Immigration but is there a chance that he's keen for you to sign that he can see your DS regularly so that he then has a right to remain?

Original poster
Hopelessandlost · 07/07/2021 12:38

@BunnyRuddington after doing some research I have found out that in order for him to apply for a Parent of a Child Visa (which is what he now needs to do as his spouse visa has been cancelled) .. he needs to show he has an agreement or a court ordered arrangement. That is listed as one of the things he needs to meet the requirement..thats why hes pushing for either court, or the agreement!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessandlost · 07/07/2021 12:40

I wont let him go with him... i was worried if he fights to take him, the judge might allow him but of course if he barely sees our son.. i dont see that happening.. thank you everyone for replying and putting things into perspective

OP posts:
Flowerlane · 07/07/2021 12:48

Honestly op if you let your son go then I don’t want to sound harsh but that is the last time you will see him. No court would allow a child that has hardly any contact with a dad that only wants a visa to take a child on a 3 week ‘holiday’.

I would only be letting supervised visits going forward.

I had the same problem many years ago with my child, his ‘father’ was a huge flight risk. We now have no contact but the random supervised contact we did have at the time (8 times in 4 years) had to be supervised only, he wasn’t allowed to know where we lived or what nursery my child attended in case he decided to take him.

Good luck to you and your child Flowers

Mamamamasaurus · 07/07/2021 13:14

You can't have dual nationality with India, or have both UK and Indian passports. You CAN apply for an OCI visa (it may have changed name again recently) which allows travel into India, at any time (C19 allowing). It's combined with your passport and isn't used exclusively, only in conjunction with your passport. To apply for OCI, it's a lengthy process and you need all sorts of paperwork so it sounds unlikely that your ex will have applied for this.

Remember - there's a difference between facilitating access and asking him if he wants it - jump through the hoops but don't make his life easier. Piece of shit.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/07/2021 13:19

Hopefully the court will see sense and understand what he is up to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2021 13:50

@Hopelessandlost

I wont let him go with him... i was worried if he fights to take him, the judge might allow him but of course if he barely sees our son.. i dont see that happening.. thank you everyone for replying and putting things into perspective
YY, good that you have it in perspective now but you MUST make sure your solicitor is fully au fait with the laws around this - and if they're not, change them to one who is.
Nairobiblue · 07/07/2021 14:08

India has not signed up to the Hague Convention so DO NOT LET HIM GO THERE. I have been stuck in a third country for 7 years due to this (not either mine nor ex's country) and he actually moved country but I couldn't as I would be deemed an abductor and it would count against him. I had to wait until divorce was finalised (took 7 years) and then I could return to my home country. That was under the Hague Convention. Without it, you would have to battle in the courts over there and it is a very patriarchal country. Be smart, keep your son safe.

Nairobiblue · 07/07/2021 14:10

@Nairobiblue

India has not signed up to the Hague Convention so DO NOT LET HIM GO THERE. I have been stuck in a third country for 7 years due to this (not either mine nor ex's country) and he actually moved country but I couldn't as I would be deemed an abductor and it would count against him. I had to wait until divorce was finalised (took 7 years) and then I could return to my home country. That was under the Hague Convention. Without it, you would have to battle in the courts over there and it is a very patriarchal country. Be smart, keep your son safe.
Against me, I mean