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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father taking DS abroad

179 replies

Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 14:03

Hi

DS is 3, his dad only sees him when he wants to. Ive always contacted him every other week offering different times, locations etc but he hardly shows up

He has never been in our son's life and even when he sees DS, he just talks to me about legal stuff and how I should contact the Home Office and tell them how he's a great dad, so they should let him stay here (came on a spouse visa which was curtailed due to our divorce, now he's trying to stay here on the basis of our son)

Anyways, he started talking about how he wants to take DS back to his home country for 3 weeks next year as his parents want to see him

Can he do this even though he hardly sees DS? Our son cries everytime his dad comes near him, he's non verbal so he cannot express himself. I want them to have a relationship which is why I always message him asking him to let me know when hes free

Solicitor is trying to put together an agreement for contact and has put supervised, then unsupervised..then overnights

Ex is saying 'hes wont die if i take him back home will he?' No but it would be great if DS was comfortable with him first

Is he allowed to force DS to go abroad even though hes pretty much absent and wont spend longer than 45 mins when he shows up?

OP posts:
sailmeaway · 06/07/2021 15:17

Do not let him go with your ex - he's a flight risk. If he decides to take your son and keep him in India, you will find it impossible to get him back. Go to court - get protection for your son. Give your child's passport to a trusted friend or relative to keep.

Muchasgracias · 06/07/2021 15:19

I can’t get over the “he won’t die” comment.

Is that the best he can do? Keep your kid from dying whilst in his care? It speaks volumes.

Your son is 3 and non verbal. He is wholly reliant on you to advocate for him and this trip, without you, is not in his best interests. If the GPs are so keen to meet him they can travel to the UK. It’s not on you to facilitate that meeting and traumatise your DS by allowing him to be taken on a long haul trip by a virtual stranger who has no practical experience of meeting his needs.

Because your DS probably won’t die, but you might not see him again and if you do he will have suffered trauma at this forced separation.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 06/07/2021 15:21

Without being dramatic, in your position it would be over my dead body a man of your ex's calibre would be taking my child out the country.

He will fly out with him and all care will subsequently pass to his parents.

Stop encouraging their relationship, stop facilitating him and hope he just fucks off. Your son deserves better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2021 15:21

@GenuineKlatchianPottery that's awful! You poor thing, I can't imagine.

lanthanum · 06/07/2021 15:23

It may be worth logging what contact is happening at the moment, especially if it's been offered and he hasn't showed up. And if he spends the time talking legalities with you and not actually interacting with his son, log that too.

2bazookas · 06/07/2021 15:24

Isn't it blindingly obvious that if your husband's visa has been cancelled, he will not be able to re-enter the UK? So there's no chance he's ever going to bring your child back to UK.

viques · 06/07/2021 15:25

And don’t “hide” the passport. Keep all the details but give it to a trusted friend to keep safe.

FatCatThinCat · 06/07/2021 15:26

Is India a signatory to the Hague Convention? I don't think it is. Which means there's no internationally recognised legal process for getting your child back if he isn't returned to you. Hell would freeze over before I'd allow this.

ancientgran · 06/07/2021 15:27

Sorry haven't read the full thread yet but I just need to say India is not a signatory to the Hague convention, if he takes son and won't bring him back you won't get him back. It has happened in my family to nieces, please, please don't do it.

BlackSwan · 06/07/2021 15:27

If there's any risk he could get his hands on the passport - I would probably destroy it. But feel free everyone to call me a fool.

BlackSwan · 06/07/2021 15:28

Actually you probably wouldn't want to have to own up to doing that to the court...

ancientgran · 06/07/2021 15:28

Don't think he is safe because you have his passport, your ex can probably get one from the Indian High Commission by claiming dual nationality.

larkstar · 06/07/2021 15:31

An Algerian guy I worked with took his young daughter back to Algeria - "to see the grandparents" after he separated from his German wife - they met and married in the UK - she was not returned and the last I heard he was working abroad - Switzerland I think - not with his daughter - who is (as I understand it) being looked after by other members of his family - this was early 2000's - I lost contact with her after she moved back to Germany and I moved so I don't know what the situation is now. Having worked with him for nearly 3 years I found this shocking.

All I can suggest is that you make your concerns very clear to your solicitor.

Original poster
Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 15:31

@GenuineKlatchianPottery i'm so sorry and i cant imagine what you even went through

I will keep the passport at a friend's house. I wont be letting him go and will go to court to say my side

The agreement says - every other week and the time/location will be decided between us

It will be supervised for 6 months, then unsupervised providing he shows up consistently...and then overnight once a month - we deleted the line where he put 'DS will go to india for a 3 week holiday' from the agreement

My solicitor was shocked they tried to put that in the agreement when they barely have a relationship

OP posts:
Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 15:31

Why does your solicitor think a judge will give him every other week? When he doesn't even barely see the child now?

Your solicitor sounds awful. And now your ex is already trying to force you to agree a holiday? To a country, where the chances of getting your son back are next to non.

His parents are trying to force you to send your son there.

I hope you are documenting all this. But I don't get why, your solicitor thinks every other week, will happen.

Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 15:32

Oh sorry, you mean he gets to see him every other week?

Paddling654 · 06/07/2021 15:35

Absolutely not.

How do you know he's not planning to leave your baby with your ex mother in law?

sage46 · 06/07/2021 15:35

Just 'No'.

TaraR2020 · 06/07/2021 15:38

@KateTheEighth

Not a hope in hell

Nope nope nope

This.
drumandthebass · 06/07/2021 15:40

I can't believe you're even asking the question tbh, and as others have said, don't chase him for contact.

diamondpony80 · 06/07/2021 15:40

If I were you OP I would be very wary about letting my child on his own with his dad if he's that keen on taking him to India. At the age of 3, being non verbal, and the man being virtually a stranger to your son it should be a given that you're there with them on all visits, at ALL times.

Don't be so naive as to think he wouldn't try and take his son. It would be very easy to get "lost" in India if he chose to, and with a very corrupt police force you might not get much help in getting him back.

TableFlowerss · 06/07/2021 15:41

Don’t let him go.

I can see this ending in disaster and we’ll be reading about it in the local press about an abduction.

Just say NO WAY!

SweetGrapes · 06/07/2021 15:44

@ancientgran

Don't think he is safe because you have his passport, your ex can probably get one from the Indian High Commission by claiming dual nationality.
This...

He can get a birth certificate and get the documents ready.

If your son goes to India, you will most probably NEVER get him back.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/07/2021 15:44

Absolutely no way, not on this Earth.

If necessary a court can make a prohibited steps order.

Id keep your son close, lock up his passport and stop chasing for contact.

ClawedButler · 06/07/2021 15:44

Oh christ, what a frightening situation. You've tried to hold your son's relationship with his father together, but he's not even meeting you halfway.

My gut feeling is that you need to speak to a solicitor who deals exclusively with family law or similar, not a general solicitor. You need someone who knows all the tricks your husband/husband's solicitor might try, and how to stop them.

Going to court is NOT in your ex-H's interests. That's why he wants to avoid it. He doesn't want his outdated visa and dodgy motives under any kind of legal scrutiny. On the other hand, you and your DS may get more protection than you currently have, so it's a win-win for you, really.