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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father taking DS abroad

179 replies

Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 14:03

Hi

DS is 3, his dad only sees him when he wants to. Ive always contacted him every other week offering different times, locations etc but he hardly shows up

He has never been in our son's life and even when he sees DS, he just talks to me about legal stuff and how I should contact the Home Office and tell them how he's a great dad, so they should let him stay here (came on a spouse visa which was curtailed due to our divorce, now he's trying to stay here on the basis of our son)

Anyways, he started talking about how he wants to take DS back to his home country for 3 weeks next year as his parents want to see him

Can he do this even though he hardly sees DS? Our son cries everytime his dad comes near him, he's non verbal so he cannot express himself. I want them to have a relationship which is why I always message him asking him to let me know when hes free

Solicitor is trying to put together an agreement for contact and has put supervised, then unsupervised..then overnights

Ex is saying 'hes wont die if i take him back home will he?' No but it would be great if DS was comfortable with him first

Is he allowed to force DS to go abroad even though hes pretty much absent and wont spend longer than 45 mins when he shows up?

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 06/07/2021 15:45

All the concerns here very valid. I just wanted to back up the 'your solicitor is awful' comment.

whataboutbob · 06/07/2021 15:50

@larkstar I grew up in Algeria so sadly this story does not surprise me at all. Various reasons for this behaviour can include: revenge on the mother when relationship has broken down, believing that growing up in the west will “ corrupt “ the child, fear of losing face in front of family. In Islam
fathers keep children when there’s a divorce and local laws are greatly waited in men’s advantage.

Conchitastrawberry · 06/07/2021 15:50

Does your son have special needs? Just you mentioned he was non verbal. This absolutely has to be taken into account. It could be really distressing and damaging to your son. I have a son with autism. Slight changes to routine or new people at that age were awful.

QueeniesCroft · 06/07/2021 15:52

If you want to show that you are not preventing contact, then how about one message, saying that your son will be available at x place, every second Saturday, from a time of your choice, to whatever time you think is reasonable? Then keep a list of how many times he actually turns up.

Eviethyme · 06/07/2021 15:55

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't come back

BountyIsUnderrated · 06/07/2021 15:56

I read a story similar to this on mumsnet a while ago. A father took their child abroad and never returned, with the courts basically saying there is nothing they can do.
If you let him take your son away I don't think you would have much of a court battle to worry about.

FortniteBoysMum · 06/07/2021 15:56

I believe he can for up to 30 days without your consent. Get your child a passport ASAP if you don't have one already and do not let him have it. If he has parental responsibility by being on bc he can apply for one if you have not. Thing is if he takes him you run the risk of him not returning. There is also the potential if he leaves the country he may not be able to return as he does not have the right to remain. In which case his possibly using your child for right of passage to return.

Original poster
Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 15:59

@Conchitastrawberry he is getting assessed for ASD, so really don't want to mess anything up for him as he's already very upset with changes to routine and when we go to the park, he will just stand there and hardly play especially when his dad is there because to him, he's a stranger

@QueeniesCroft That's a good idea, because then he can never say I never gave him any dates and times and if it goes to court I can show I offered

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessandlost · 06/07/2021 16:02

I wont be letting him take DS.. and grom reading all your replies, i doubt the court will allow him with the way he's going about it right now. I'm ready to go to court, and will be telling my solicitor not to bother with the agreement anymore

Since ex has already applied (or so he says) i am waiting for the papers to be served

OP posts:
Boonlark · 06/07/2021 16:04

You need to ask your solicitor to apply for a prohibited steps order that prevents your ex from taking your dc abroad.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 06/07/2021 16:04

I wouldn't ever let your ex be alone with your son.

gonnabeok · 06/07/2021 16:07

Don't go to India with your son. He could still be taken by his family and you will have no protection if he is taken from you. It's unsafe. Something could happen to you and you would be in a foreign country with no support or protection. Don't let him take your son.

Speak to a family lawyer and advise them of your concerns. It is up to him to apply to the family court for contact. If you have concerns for your son's safety or his real reasons/motivation for having contact with your son you can suggest supervised contact only to ensure the safety of your son. It doesn't have to be at a centre overseen by family workers. There are centres run by private organisations where he would need to pay. You need to stand up to him. Don't let him bully you into agreeing something you do not want or are uncomfortable doing. Your son's safety and wellbeing is paramount.

BunnyRuddington · 06/07/2021 16:07

Since ex has already applied (or so he says) i am waiting for the papers to be served

Yep, sit back and wait. Don't let him see his child before it's ordered by a Court and speak to Reunite, today.

I'd also stop him getting a Passportt* for your son.

purplecorkheart · 06/07/2021 16:07

www.iflg.uk.com/faqs/child-abduction

Might be worth a look. Does your solicitor have much experience in cases like yours?

campion · 06/07/2021 16:09

You need a better solicitor. This one sounds out of his depth and either sympathises with the father or is a bit dim about his motives.

You most likely won't see your son again if he takes him to India. Does he love him? No, of course he doesn't.He's trying to punish you.

Macon · 06/07/2021 16:09

This is completely chilling to read.

OP, your son can't do this for himself, so you have to do it for him.

I wouldn't let him out of my sight if I were you. If he goes to nursery, I would make sure they know that your son is not to leave with anyone other than you (I hope you haven't listed his father on any documents as having parental responsibility). If you ever leave him with anyone else - family, friends, anyone - they need to know this too.

If your son has a passport, I wouldn't leave it with friends. I'd lodge it with a bank (if that's still possible) or a solicitor (ditto). That doesn't stop his father from applying for an Indian passport, but it would be a worry fewer.

Your solicitor is giving you very bad advice, and as PP have suggested, I'd find one who knows their stuff in this particular area.

I understand that it's easier to be passive and hope that it will all go away, but you really do have to find a fighting spirit here.

GreatBigBird · 06/07/2021 16:13

Do not let him get an Indian passport.

Make sure the nursery (if he goes) knows not to let him go with his father without prior consent form you.

Do not let him go!!

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/07/2021 16:14

Take and time stamp photos of you at x meeting place every other Saturday
Take a friend and dated news paper outside the meeting place

BunnyRuddington · 06/07/2021 16:22

Agree that it sounds as if you need a better solicitor and that yours sounds crap a bit out of his depth.

Reunite have a list of Solicitors who specialise in Child Abduction here.

Have a look at the bit in their site I'm worried my Child Might be Abducted.

I'm glad you came in to ask because otherwise it looks as if his plans would work and you'd possibly never see your DS again.

Heronwatcher · 06/07/2021 16:22

No way! Don’t let him take him anywhere near an airport. Don’t chase for contact. Do nothing and let him take you to court, then you can fully detail all the contact he’s missed and your concerns about him disappearing. No way is this in the child’s interests. Also does he have parental responsibility (is he on the birth certificate)? If so see if you can flag with the passport office that there is a risk of kidnap- I heard of one horrible case where a child’s dad applied for a replacement passport (said the old one was lost). Your solicitor or the passport office might be able to help.

alongwiththesunshine · 06/07/2021 16:28

No do not do this.

My friend, let her ex take her children to Pakistan to meet grandparents despite how abusive he was.

He came back without the children. This was 5 years ago. She hasn't seen them since or even FaceTimed nothing. Knows zilch. They was 3&8

This is my worse fear and probably one of the reasons while I'll never divorce my dh while kids are young (if it came to it)

cuparfull · 06/07/2021 16:30

No No way... do not allow this to happen. Never!

Be sure to tell your solicitor about the threats from the fathers parents....

That should prove to the court your son will never come back.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 16:32

Tbh I'd be changing Solicitors

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 06/07/2021 16:32

Absolutely fucking not

AdultingAvoidance · 06/07/2021 16:33

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing well done. The first person in two pages to give a sensible answer.

Get legal representation to make a PSO Prohibited Steps Order now. I've been the mother who lost their child to an overseas holiday and wasn't returned. 3 years, 2 weeks and 1 day of heartbreak until DD returned.