What do men even do?

[dohdohdoh]

Since having kids I look at men and think what do you even do?!

What hurdles do they have in their life?

I have a great partner and we try to make things 50:50 but I hate that:

• Despite being in similar lines of work he earns more than me
• I have had to take maternity leave because financially he earns more than me and it "makes sense" (so hasn't had to look after 2 under 3 for the last year, while he's at work)
• That raising my children is literally worth no money in return (I don't get anything for the last 12 weeks of my 1 year of mat leave - yes I'm "lucky" to get something for the first 9 months)

And basically all the other minor and major injustices of being a woman!

I just can't help but think if once women give birth and society deemed men should then look after a baby for the next 12 months, they'd instantly demand full pay for the whole period and everyone would think, yes that's reasonable. But as women we should just be grateful for any morsels we can get.

Sorry this is just a rant I guess but I can't believe its the 21st century and we are still screwed over. And now when I look at men I just think what do you even do? How much do you pull your weight at home? Who have you trampled on to get to where you are professionally? I judge them, I judge them harshly.

You nailed the problem in your first three words.

The answer? Don't have kids. Live carefree, like a bloke.

Well there are still many inequalities for women in life, but you didn’t ‘have to’ take maternity because your husband earns more. It’s a choice to have two children under three, and presumably you were aware that you earned less and therefore it would make financial sense for you to lose hours.

If your DH isn’t fully pulling his weight then you should deal with that, of course.

Totally agree OP. Our whole way of being and living is STILL centred around men.

Depressing.

Agree with PP that more men should share mat leave even if they do earn more.

Many women are marginalised in the workplace (even more so) once we've given birth.

Weeellll, I tend to agree! Not had a man in my life for several years now and much the better for it. Far less stressful, even as a single parent to young children!

And yes it's all very well saying women "choose" to take time off with kids because they earn less generally, but why is that? Perhaps if the structural inequalities were removed it'd make it easier to address the imbalances in many people's relationships.

On the one hand of course there will be tons of people piling in to say "it's your choooooice" - to have kids, to have them with a man who earns more than you, not to make shared parental leave a condition of having kids with him, etc etc etc. And all the women who will blame you for "allowing" your DP not to pull his weight.

But fundamentally yes, being the childbearing sex fucks us over fundamentally in the finance and independence stakes in a capitalist society where our main value is as units of economic production. Indeed you could say the whole patriarchal shit show is as a result of this as it boils down, basically, to men wanting to control women as much as possible so they can be absolutely sure she bears their offspring and no other male's.

And yes, if I'm absolutely honest, the older I get the more I think men are by far the weaker sex - less adaptable, less resourceful, less articulate, less perceptive, less collaborative, less loving, lower pain thresholds, more selfish. And absolutely crippled by their own emotional illiteracy, which turns any complex emotions they can't handle into the blunt instrument that is anger.

Mothers' commune anyone???

Go back to work after 9 months then. It isn’t compulsory to have a whole year off.

i am convinced that the continuation of the human race is largely dependent on female maternal "urge". Yes, women getting pregnant by accident is a thing. But often it is women (I would suggest usually before their first baby) longing to become a mum which ensures that women carry on having babies.

I am convinced the vast majority of men could "take it or leave it" when it comes to having kids and that attitude does not change throughout their lives.

I think it's when women have children that issues around inequality really show themselves. That's why young women often think things are better than older women do.

I only really appreciated what a shitty deal women get once I had my DD. I thought feminism had mainly won before that 🤦🏽‍♀️ Hang my head in shame at my ignorance frankly.

From the OP: " just can't help but think if once women give birth and society deemed men should then look after a baby for the next 12 months, they'd instantly demand full pay for the whole period and everyone would think, yes that's reasonable. But as women we should just be grateful for any morsels we can get."

I entirely agree. The idea that stat mat pay is only 90% of full pay for 6 weeks - 6 weeks!! - and after that around £150 per week. It is a financial burden that essentially puts women in men's power - the woman just had to hope that her partner doesn't turn out to be a dick.

I have had to take maternity leave because financially he earns more than me and it "makes sense" (so hasn't had to look after 2 under 3 for the last year, while he's at work)
You could have made cuts and shared leave.

That raising my children is literally worth no money in return all money should be family money, so you should both be feeling the extra cost of raising children.

If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as a man. Women get a shit deal

Yep agreed OP- trust me going back to work isn’t always the answer to equality, more a way of ensuring you do it all and still pay your half!

If you're doing the same job for the same employer with the same qualifications and experience and you're earning less then that's illegal - if not, you're not earning less because you're a woman, you're earning less because you're less qualified or less experienced or doing a less valuable job.
You chose to have children, you chose to take maternity leave and, by your own admission, the decision for you to take leave is because you earn less, not because you have a vagina. So, again, nothing actually to do with being a woman. You could have split parental leave, you could have adopted or used a surrogate so you had no need for you to take leave at all. This is a choice you made. Furthermore, you didn't need to stay off work for a full year - another choice you made.
You're not being screwed over for being a woman, you've just made choices and are somehow pissed off and determined to pretend to be a victim. It undermines actual sexism that happens when you prattle on about how "men don't do anything" because you're not being paid for three months of the maternity leave you chose to take from the job you chose to do after having the baby you chose to have. Stop blaming men for your life choices.

@Wormholes

You nailed the problem in your first three words.

The answer? Don't have kids. Live carefree, like a bloke.

Sadly the advantages of being male in our society are not accessible to women who choose not to give birth.

It's not that simple.

I often wonder how our society would be today if it had been matriarchal for the last few centuries!

@Comedycook

If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as a man. Women get a shit deal

Nah fuck that, I want to come back as a (female) elephant. The men get chased off as soon as they start behaving like macho jerks, and live solitary lives except for occasionally being allowed back into the group for breeding purposes; the rest of the time it's the women and the kids living in a big group, chilling out and eating leaves. Sounds like bloody bliss 😆

@Katekarate

I think it's when women have children that issues around inequality really show themselves. That's why young women often think things are better than older women do.

Definitely this. My DD had her first baby last November and is just waking up to the patriarchy. I don't think you have it much thought before.

Yes yes here's@ScaredNotAnxious to tell us how actually there is no institutional sexism, only "choices" yawn

I completely agree. The inequalities that come with motherhood are stupendous. The most shocking thing for me is how utterly unprepared I was for them; I thought I was a well informed feminist but the issues of motherhood in the inequality at home and at work have floored me.

You could have split parental leave, you could have adopted or used a surrogate so you had no need for you to take leave at all

How would that work then? You adopt a child or have a baby via a surrogate and put them straight into childcare without taking leave Heaven help us

I feel you, OP. I’ve been an independent woman who never wanted to marry or have kids and be in control of all my own finances and never share. Well I got knocked up didnt I… (again contraception is all on the woman and I came off of the pill as it was ruining me!…I slipped up). I am now pregnant and want to become a mother despite it not being in my plan. When I looked at maternity I weeped! I have my own home but I cannot afford it on stat maternity pay. I have to move in with my partner (which is fine I want him to be very involved and share the nights!) but I now have to take that cut from work, sell my home because we can’t live here, and rely on him for income then go back part time cause With childcare costs it’s not financially viable for me to work full time.

I’m honestly completely depressed and worried sick about my financial independence.

@Katekarate

You could have split parental leave, you could have adopted or used a surrogate so you had no need for you to take leave at all

How would that work then? You adopt a child or have a baby via a surrogate and put them straight into childcare without taking leave Heaven help us

I know, the mind boggles. My friend adopted (as a single mum, she's a flipping legend) and needed a LOT of time off with her son to help him bond and overcome the trauma of his early life. This after a very consuming and scrutinising process of application. It's not like picking up a puppy from a bloody shop. This is lifestyle feminism for you, where everything's a "choice" and children are an optional luxury product that can be obtained in a range of flavours from a variety of suppliers, rather than actual human beings.

@Roomonb

I only really appreciated what a shitty deal women get once I had my DD. I thought feminism had mainly won before that 🤦🏽‍♀️ Hang my head in shame at my ignorance frankly.

Absolutely 100% this. How bloody naive I was.

Speak for yourself I earn more than my husband, and he pulls his weight, I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I did earn a bit less during maternity leave but DH made up the shortfall in family finances. He was willing to do shared parental leave, I decided I wanted to be off. I changed my working hours to FT over four days to suit childcare and so did he, we equally split childcare pick up and drop off, and share the load in terms of rearranging work when DS can't go to nursery.
The question really is why do women settle for less? Often because their wish for children is stronger so they relegate themselves. I wouldn't have had a child in those circumstances.