To resent those with easier children?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

YANBU. I feel like I just can't do anything right and everyone else must have somehow cracked the secret to excellent parenting resulting in beautifully behaved children!!

Yes. Everyone has their own struggles.

BUT your feelings are your feelings so stop beating yourself up.

YABU.... I appreciate that your struggles feel so much harder than everyone else's but its not a race to the bottom.
Everyone has their own personal feelings about their own personal situation and you've no idea what the next person is struggling with.

However YANBU to be struggling or wishing things were easier!

You are discovering that most people only want to associate and be friends with people who have the same nice lifestyle as them. I have two children with autism and I ended up not socialising and being part of that clique. People do secretly believe that their children are lovely because of their parenting. The only acceptable sen to many are dyslexia and dyspraxia.

I have two easy, perfectly behaved children and one very difficult one (the youngest). All parented the same. Certainly taken away any smugness I may have felt at my good parenting!
It does make life in general so much more challenging, even a nice day trip out becomes an exercise in patience.

My Dd age 6 is waaaaay more difficult than my ds age 4. My Dd actually notices the differences now. It's really tricky. If she grows up to be an adult who is happy in her own skin then I'll feel job well done.

Yanbu. I'm saying that as a parent of a so-far very easy child. I was clueless about parenting so take no credit, she's just chilled out. It is really luck of the draw. The only thing you are possibly BU about is saying they don't get it, they might.

People who think their perfect children are a reflection on their excellent parenting techniques are pretty smug & best avoided! I always think if the challenges don’t come soon on then they’ll certainly get them later.

That or they do a good job of hiding the reality!

I think children can of course be shaped to some degree but each comes with their own personality - both challenges & amazing qualities & sometimes/often it’s irrespective of the parenting.

Keep your head held high!

Yabu. I have a child with complex special needs, but everyone has struggles and comparing helps no one. I know tons of people with bigger issues than me. I still complain sometimes.

I know how you feel.

I took my son for a drive today. I wanted to sling him out of the car.

Screeching because he saw a Rolls Royce
Constantly asking what the speed limit is
Asking if his bow tie (don’t ask) was straight (because it’s safe to check thar at 60mph)
Asking ‘what’s that thing’ knowing I can’t see whatever fucking thing he’s pointing at.

The younger one has made it his mission in life to destroy my house one head butt at a time.

YANBU.

YANBU! I have 4 and 5 yo boys, eldest diagnosed asd, youngest likely asd and to me looking more and more like adhd too. It's hellish, they literally can peel emulsion paint from a wall. Everything gets broken or posted out the window, no sense of danger, no language. Yes other parents look at me like I'm crazy and the worst parent if we go to eat out and I'm still using prams, high chairs, nappies. They like to look and blame my parenting and think their own parenting is so great, but they wouldn't last 5 mins with my two. I make it look easy to be honest.

claralara the thing is though these are people who I know pretty well and have spent lots of time with. I have also looked after their children and have known them since they were babies. Now I KNOW that everyone experiences things differently, but I can tell from everything they say that their experience is totally different from mine but that they are completely unaware. For example when they talk about sleepovers and spontaneous get aways and doing their PhD thesis at soft play and simply telling their children that they must entertain themselves because 'mummy is exhausted' and having baby sitters and going clothes shopping and having a 'chilled one' and staying in their pyjamas all day and a MILLION other things that we wouldn't be able to do in a million years but that they obviously don't understand makes them quite lucky.

I guess I just feel lonely.

Some children are just more challenging than others, regardless of how they are parented. That said, those you see with 'easy' children may have horror teens!

Your youngest may calm as they get older. Between 18 months and 3, my DS was like the duracell bunny! He had so much energy and was literally never still.

Now, at 7, he's a lot calmer. He still has a lot of energy but it's much easier to cope with.

YANBU! Although I feel that you have to experience this to get it. I am currently in tears because of a really difficult time tonight with challenging dc. I know everyone has their struggles but I don't feel that parents with easier kids really get how hard/different it can be.

jan9876 yes! This is the thing, I know they don't get it, I can just tell by everything they say! It just makes me feel really misunderstood.

You’re not at all being unreasonable to wish your position was easier. I have to say though, I dont believe in luck of the draw at all. Our relatives are always telling us how good our kids are in comparison, but in all honestly it’s because we have slogged for years. We’ve taken endless sleepless nights to keep them in their own beds for example, could’ve given in and taken them into ours. I’ve instead sat outside the room or been in bed with them for hours to settle them.

Just an example, but I genuinely think that people just struggle at different times, some trade off now for easier future, some choose ease now and aim to sort things in the future.

I guess what I’m trying to say is your time will come…just hang in in there. Take one day at a time and grab the moments of peace when you can. Life won’t spin a million miles forever.

YANBU I always resent how some people can just go wherever they like with their children without a care in the world. DS is ASD/ADHD and extremely difficult at the moment. Everything is such hard work.

I stopped caring what other parents thought about my parenting a long time ago! If these people are true friends they won’t judge you.

I agree that some folks don’t know how easy they’ve got it though.

Have they actually said they think it's down to their parenting, or are you assuming?

@Yellow85

You’re not at all being unreasonable to wish your position was easier. I have to say though, I dont believe in luck of the draw at all. Our relatives are always telling us how good our kids are in comparison, but in all honestly it’s because we have slogged for years. We’ve taken endless sleepless nights to keep them in their own beds for example, could’ve given in and taken them into ours. I’ve instead sat outside the room or been in bed with them for hours to settle them.

Just an example, but I genuinely think that people just struggle at different times, some trade off now for easier future, some choose ease now and aim to sort things in the future.

I guess what I’m trying to say is your time will come…just hang in in there. Take one day at a time and grab the moments of peace when you can. Life won’t spin a million miles forever.

That’s what I thought too. I put a lot of work into my older two and it paid off (or so I thought). They are genuinely a dream. Then number 3 came along, and despite putting that exact same work in, he is difficult. I’m slogging my guts out trying to instil routines and boundaries and it’s not working.

I understand OP.
I had two children with a small age gap.
My DS was always in meltdown, tantrums on a daily baisis, screaming in supermarkets losing it frequently as a toddler.My DD was easy and light always quiet and calm, never made a fuss- a real Zen child.
They both had identical upbringing and parenting, just the luck of the draw.

For example when they talk about sleepovers and spontaneous get aways and doing their PhD thesis at soft play and simply telling their children that they must entertain themselves because 'mummy is exhausted' and having baby sitters and going clothes shopping and having a 'chilled one' and staying in their pyjamas all day and a MILLION other things that we wouldn't be able to do in a million years but that they obviously don't understand makes them quite lucky.
Sleepovers - mum friend 1 thinks 'crap I need a night off, let's text mum friend 2 to invite her DD round and HOPE TO GOD she repays'"... Most of the time there is repayment
Spontaneous getaway - mum friend 2 rings up granny in tears on Thursday.... Granny offers to babysit.... There's the origin of the spontaneous getaway
Thesis at soft play - it's their only chance, home is not a quiet calm place! Child feels sad as all the other mummies play with their kids
Baby sitters - some ppl are just tucker than others or jess emotionally attached to kids
Clothed shopping - they've organised a schedule where DH has the kids every Saturday or Granny
Having a chilled one - mummy friend 3 thinks "I screamed at DS, I've not done any washing, no clean clothes, argued with DH - I just can't face the world right now"
Pjamas all day - code for 'I have nothing clean and can't be arsed to do the washing! "

Tucker is obviously code for richer
Jess is code for less

I feel like this about sleep.

I have three children, one is a great sleeper (he's 5 and always slept well), but the other two are younger and are up and down all night, both of them. We haven't done anything differently with them but they are up multiple times every single night. People say 'oh sleep train!' but we have done it, done it all and we are still here.

So when other people say that they are knackered because their child got up at 6am, I'm like you have no idea. We have been very very tired for a very very long time.

I think it's ok to know you are having a bad time and maybe even a harder one than some people, but I would never say that to them because everyone can cope with different things and some people will be having struggles that you know nothing about.