To resent those with easier children?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

@stilltiredinthemorning

ivfgottwins nope, I believe in 'gentle' or therapeutic parenting, I've read the evidence base and it makes sense to me. It's extremely hard work and sometimes I wonder if using more traditional parenting methods would be easier but I parent the way I do because I genuinely believe it will be best for my children in the long run.

No disrespect. But much of what you describe are parenting choices you've made. And choices have consequences. So you cannot expect to have the same experience as other who have made different parenting choices.

Yes, some children appear easier. Or some parents appear to find it easier to manage their children than others. Or are willing to let some things slide more easily than others. Again choices.

I don't say this lightly. My lo has GDD, is hearing impaired, selectively mute, on the ASD spectrum, Spld, under SALT etc. And it's a very different experience. However, it's OUR experience. And the consequences of choices are all mine. Sleep for example, is awful and always has been. Sometimes I wonder if I should have done like others, CIO etc, but I know it wasn't right for my lo and so live with that choice even though is in school and still sleeping issues remain.

The serenity prayer, I think, is what's appropriate at these times.

I think you're pretty much all right to be honest. I think my friends don't get it and probably could put a bit more effort in and I feel hurt and lonely. But, I also think I am a bit self-absorbed and focussed on my own problems and of course we all have choices and I have to live with the consequences of mine.

I just needed a moan I guess and to hear I'm not alone.

I had one difficult baby and one very easy baby. Difficult baby turned into easy child. However, DH lost his high paying expat job when easy baby was 4 weeks old. I had to get out of a country the day airports closed with all our worldly possessions and 2 young kids before our health insurance ran out while DH was stuck in said country for 9 weeks while I tried to nativagate renting a flat and being a mum of 2, then had to start a new job with 12 hour shift while easy baby was 12 weeks old so we could have some kind of income to live off. Oh and pumping every 3h because baby refused breast (thankfully in the end) and we couldn't afford formula. Thankfully a year later we are all settled and DH finally employed again.
So I guess while the actual children were and continue to be pretty easy for the main part you really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and comparing isn't worth it.

I understand completely my situation was temporary and yours potentially is more long term which leads to the resentment but for example I've got a friend with easygoing children who slept through from weeks, lovely house, great jobs but an abusive controlling husband who speaks to her like she is a moron. There are just far too many variables for a fair comparison.

YANBU but you need a wider range of friends. The lovely ones you have now, so you can stay connected to the parenting life you aspire to and who challenge you to keep going, because your kids will get there eventually. And you need another group to catch up with once in a while as a confessional, who understand how awful it can be, exhausting, who have even worse tales. But although necessary can't stay too long in this group, it will drag you down. It's a safety valve, let it safely release every now and then.

OP I understand where you’re coming from but I think you’re expecting too much from your friends. It’s impossible for them to understand your position as they haven’t lived it and it’s also difficult for people to know the right thing to say - one person’s perfect response would be another person’s patronising put-down.

I know it helps to be told you’re doing a great job and it honestly from your posts it sounds like you really are. You and DH should focus on celebrating your own milestones so you don’t feel the need to seek validation from others. Your friends will just be doing their best with their own circumstances and won’t understand exactly how you feel.

What is it you want from your friends though? Do you want to moan about how hard things are for you and them all to say ‘gosh you’re right it’s so easy for me and it’s so hard for you?’ Everyone thinks their problems are harder than other people’s. And everyone has it hard in their own ways. It’s not helpful to look at other people and imagine they have it so easy and it’s so much harder for you.

If you need some actual support maybe you could talk to one of your friends, explain your are struggling and ask if they could help you out. Otherwise there’s nothing they can really do, other than validate your idea that you have the hardest time and their life is easy.

Being honest, I don't think gentle parenting works for a certain type of very active child who likes to experiment with reactions and push boundaries (the type some people might uncharitably describe as 'spirited'). My DC is a bit like this and what has worked well has been clear boundaries from the start and unpleasant consequences for misbehaviour (a stern telling-off, sent to sit on the bottom step, removed from the playground or soft play immediately and taken home regardless of the crying and upset). Yes, we talk about why we don't do certain things and behave in certain ways (I.e. it upsets people, we need to be kind to others) but that's very abstract for a small child. Children don't develop empathy until quite late on. Knowing mummy/daddy will be cross and they'll be hauled out of the playground immediately or the toy will be taken away if they don't take turns is a much more concrete consequence for them to understand.

I'm rather wishing I hadn't mentioned the gentle parenting thing now! Like I said, it's more therapeutic parenting. Both children have experienced significant early trauma and therapeutic parenting really does work well for them. It would be very counterproductive to shout at them. I do realise that it's not the same for most children and believe me, it's not because I'm a permissive parent, far from it, we have very strict boundaries we just don't 'punish' in the tradional way.

I should add, I realise none of you have suggested shouting at them, I'm not sure why I said that I just mean we are not super relaxed parents who don't enforce any boundaries and then wonder why our kids walk all over us, quite the opposite.

Nobody can "get" anyone and their way of life unless living the experience. Their experience is different to you, resentment and expectations on how they speak about their DC is going to make you unhappy and you've no idea what life has in store, any DC could become disabled at anytime through an accident.
Life is short to short be be resentful of healthy DC.

Are your children adopted? Do they have developmental trauma? If so are receiving psychiatric support for your family and parenting guidance?

YANBU. I have easy children. But... at least I'm well aware they are easy, and I have never claimed that parenthood is very hard. I'm a teacher, so I'm also well aware how difficult and draining some children can be (even when they are lovely), and I do sympathise very much with their parents.

@Yellow85

You have the exact attitude that the OP meant. There will be many posters on here who have DC with issues who have done 'the hard slog' , the keeping their DC out of their bed. The boundary setting that you have but things aren't as easy for them as their DC for whatever reason have not conformed in the same way. It doesn't work like that. Like many other posters in here I have 3 DC who have had identical parenting. 2 are brilliantly behaved and no problems. The other one - not so much. I'm not alone. It's very common. Perhaps read ousts people's experiences on here then form an opinion.

I can believe that you might understandably smugly think it's down to your wonderful parenting and the hours that you have put in if you are lucky enough to have easy / compliant DC but you couldn't be more wrong. It is absolutely the luck of the draw.

OP,
YANBU.

Mine don't have any huge issues and I'm utterly exhausted from them at times, though they are much older than yours.
It is a long haul.

But a few friends have dealt with various spectrum issues etc. and I am in awe of how they have done it, whilst privately thanking fxxk I don't have to as it seems so utterly relentless for them at times.

And they are on the much lesser end of the challenges that some face.

I think Covid and the past 15 months have worn a lot of parents out for a variety of reasons and many are simply tired of having to keep going.

I wish you strength.
Go easy on yourself.
Very easy to get burnout being a parent.

I feel exactly the same with my 2 boys

My eldest is 13 has autism,ocd,anxiety and is non-verbal.
Youngest is 9 and we suspect he is also on the spectrum but no diagnosis yet.He is struggling with gender identity so been having a hard time at school with bullying and finds socialising difficult anyway.

Our life is completely different to the life that other parents of neurotypical children have.

Most days I just have to get on with it but sometimes it’s hard and I do feel jealous of other families.

I’ve got one of each. First ds is my world but he has been hard work from the moment he was born. Reflux, feeding issues, fidgets, is loud, didn’t listen, focus issues at school. He was exhausting and I was determined I couldn’t do it again. Got pregnant nearly six years later so 6 1/2 year gap. Second ds completely different. He sits down, listens, eats without fuss, smiles and engages. No tantrums. He likes craft and sings alphabets songs just for fun at 2. He doesn’t exhaust me. The older one who is 9 now is still harder work than the two year old. He has mellowed a lot in the last year or so and I love him to bits.But.my.god.he.is.hard.work

@stilltiredinthemorning you don’t need to justify your parenting . It’s not about your parenting. Repeat after me. It’s not your parenting. Don’t let smug mothers of NT children who have never met you tell you otherwise:

Hey OP

YANBU X infinity

I get you.

I'm in a similar boat.

It is NOT in your head.

Many of them WILL have it easier.

I hope you find your tribe. They are out there. Their struggles may not be exactly the same, but then will still understand in a way others cannot.

As for parents of children with more complex needs: Their struggles do not make your own any less valid.

You know your children better than anyone else and you also know instinctively the best way to parent them.

If I parented the way I see others parent (authoritative) my children's anxiety and anger would be off the scale.

Do not let people who don't know your child's struggles make you doubt your parenting.

[quote Lndnmummy]@stilltiredinthemorning you don’t need to justify your parenting . It’s not about your parenting. Repeat after me. It’s not your parenting. Don’t let smug mothers of NT children who have never met you tell you otherwise:[/quote]
THIS, THIS, THIS!

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Being honest, I don't think gentle parenting works for a certain type of very active child who likes to experiment with reactions and push boundaries (the type some people might uncharitably describe as 'spirited'). My DC is a bit like this and what has worked well has been clear boundaries from the start and unpleasant consequences for misbehaviour (a stern telling-off, sent to sit on the bottom step, removed from the playground or soft play immediately and taken home regardless of the crying and upset). Yes, we talk about why we don't do certain things and behave in certain ways (I.e. it upsets people, we need to be kind to others) but that's very abstract for a small child. Children don't develop empathy until quite late on. Knowing mummy/daddy will be cross and they'll be hauled out of the playground immediately or the toy will be taken away if they don't take turns is a much more concrete consequence for them to understand.

Great that it works - for YOUR kid.

you don’t need to justify your parenting. completely you know what works for your DC.
Btw it gets easier even with their issues, it becomes part of you coping after awhile you don't see any different, you'll be like fly lady of the parents, the right school makes a big change too.

I think with some families it's like being in different rivers paddling upstream. Your river has a stronger current so you have to paddle twice as hard to make progress and you can't coast for a little while because you will go backwards. So it can be enormously frustrating to look at other families and see the differences.

I don't have children with special needs. I did use to be a nanny and saw the home lives of many different families, including families where a child had special needs, and to be honest while good parenting can make a big difference, children aren't blank slates, they have their own personalities and characters.

I also think that unless people see behaviour in person they tend to underestimate. If you say a child is chatty, they think most kids talk a lot. If you say a child is wilful, they think most kids are stubborn. It's not until they see a kid who will literally not stop talking for hours on end that they see there is a real difference. Or they will say, oh your kid is not eating their dinner? If you wait long enough they will get hungry and eat. 99% of kids, yes, but some will genuinely starve themselves for days if they do not like the food on offer! Or a child whose attention span is less than 5 seconds - yes, most children have short attention spans but not this short!

Some kids are harder than others. But it's also tricky to compare between families and not necessarily productive. It's like if a mother from the third world kept telling you how easy your life is. Ok, in comparison it might be, but knowing that doesn't help either of you. If this resentment is affecting you to the point you might be losing friendships over it, you might need to really think about it. You might get better support by looking into parenting groups in your area or online. These will attract parents with similar situations and sometimes knowing other people are in the same boat and can share the ups and downs with you helps immensely.

Excellent post CakesofVersailles

Some children are just really more difficult and demanding.

My friends has 3 out of her 4 children G&T. Everyone assume she is very lucky. Few understand how utterly exhausting it is. They demand for mental stimulation is never ending and is getting to the point where she can't provide for her eldest two needs. Yet if she dare to say that she is tired and struggling, she get sniggered at told that she should be grateful.

She only talks to me a put it now. It's sad she feels she has to be restrained but she accepts that they just don't understand.

Excellent post CakesofVersailles
I agree.