To resent those with easier children?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

ivfgottwins nope, I believe in 'gentle' or therapeutic parenting, I've read the evidence base and it makes sense to me. It's extremely hard work and sometimes I wonder if using more traditional parenting methods would be easier but I parent the way I do because I genuinely believe it will be best for my children in the long run.

My friends don't get it either and one is a social worker who works with kids with the same disability my son has. You cant get it if you don't live it. I found early on I had to accept that, that I would have to listen to them worrying about stuff which was frankly trivial compared to my life and make comments about my son which were ill-informed - usually unrealistically upbeat comments about how he would be ok in the end (he wont he will need lifelong exhausting care). Truth is I would have been the same as them if the things had been reversed. I find it easier to think of it as I am the one that has changed - because I was dealt a harder hand - but my friends haven't changed and are the same people they always were. So even though they would say stuff that irritated me if they had been good friends before then I have kept hold of them and let stuff go because they just don't know. And what they worry about is important to them. Its got easier as DS has got older and his needs are much more obvious. That and the fact I survived on 4 hours sleep for 10 years and looked so obviously exhausted / ill whenever we met up that the penny finally dropped.

Sometimes people find parenting easier the younger they are because they aren't used to years of freedom without kids and are more flexible, making it easier to adjust. If you've lived nearly four decades without being tied down, it can be much more difficult to adjust to the demands that all kids make on your life, however educated you are.

YANBU.....but I have also found some reversals as they have become teens. To paraphrase Laura Ingalls Wilder, The rich get ice in summer, the poor get their ice in winter. My teens, whilst demanding on many levels, haven't been as difficult as some other people's earlier more "well behaved" children.
I think some of my input did pay off, some at least. Maybe we are more tolerant of each other than we might have been.

How do you know their children are easy?

I would say my children are easy dispite their learning difficulties and ones non verbal, my friends kid has down syndrome and is lovely and content, my other friends kid has SEVERE autism (will never not require full time care) and I dont know how she copes but she does just fine.

Ironically some kids I know with no medical difficulties are the biggest little shits I know and honestly a lot of it genuinely seems down to parenting... its like in the simpsons with the hippy parents who say 'we have tried nothing and it aint worked'.

I dont think you can say just because a child has issues they are hard work and just because a child doesnt they are easy theres so much more too it.

Dispite my kids being easy overall all kids go through rough patches, at 6 months old my oldest started screaming and I swear he didnt stop for 3 whole months straight. The hospital even investigated because there was no obvious reason to it, just all day every single day, but then he grew into a sweet toddler than never cried or had tantrums. I thought I had the hardest child in the world during those 3 months.

No what is the point of resentment.
Both of mine have issues a 12 y.o who is an introvert aspergers severe anxiety and a 6 y.o with really severe autism and MH issues, yes I'd like life to be easier for us.
I'm happy for other families besides it could be worse.
Envy really is the cause of misery.

Really not sure what you're wanting from this thread OP?

People to tell you that you're right and you absolutely have a harder job that every other parent? Agreement that you should resent other people who have different approaches than you?

The bottom line is, it sounds like you could do with some more support whether that be with your own MH, your DC's potential medical conditions and/or with parenting in general.

Do you have support at home?

@Miseryl

Sometimes people find parenting easier the younger they are because they aren't used to years of freedom without kids and are more flexible, making it easier to adjust. If you've lived nearly four decades without being tied down, it can be much more difficult to adjust to the demands that all kids make on your life, however educated you are.

This can be true, one of the best mams I know had her oldest at 16... she never missed the life she never had so her whole life has been dedicated to her 5 kids and she has a great bond with them.

Ultimately you can resent who you like but unless you walk in someones shoes you have no clue what their home life is like.

You have my sympathy for the struggle in your situation but you have no idea what is happening behind closed doors. My son is younger than your children but I am sure my friends and other mums at groups just see this chilled happy baby. What they don't see is my daily battle with PTSD. Your views and feelings on your situation are valid as are their views and feelings on their situations.

Yes I may be lucky with my smiley chilled baby (and I am) but equally I would take a few more night wakings in return for not having medical negilangce with left me with PTSD.

YANBU. Much solidarity here from a PDA / ASD / ADHD parent.

All those saying that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc., you're right, but I'm talking about families I know very well with children I have known since they were born and looked after on multiple occasions.

I know I am being a bit unreasonable really. It's just that recently I feel like there's been a lot of occasions when I've had big heart to hearts with friends about difficult it is and I've thought 'it's not just me, they really get it' and then I spend the day at their house and really our situations are really nothing alike, it's just that they are so oblivious as to what it really can be like, they genuinely think it's the same for us.

Wait till their kids are teenagers . Karma . Parenting classes for me helped the loneliness x

It's not a nice situation to be in and from what you say all you want is a little understanding. You sound really nice and gentle, maybe it doesn't come across how much more difficult daily lives can be for you?

What I've found over the years is when we've had a couple of very difficult situations or friends/family have had, it's been hard accepting/giving sympathy without offence.
It's one thing saying yourself things are hard but if people look on you with pity it can make you feel as bad as if they don't acknowledge the situation. Does that make sense?

I think what OP is saying is, that people will expect things of you, or belittle your parenting "decisions", without understanding that some things just are more difficult to manage. Like Manning a school fete booth. Going out for the evening. Bothering to dress up. Working or having an interesting career. You make choices based on parenting experiences but your experiences aren't validated by others...it isn't envy on our parts, it is the feeling of being ostracised, at its worst point (not every day or every year of course, but just occasionally)

@stilltiredinthemorning I was one of those saying you don't know what is behind doors. I haven't told our parents, wider family or many close friends. People who would describe themselves as knowing us very well for years and have known both my husband and I go through mental health changes. Only 2 friends know the full details and 1 knows 'I have had some struggles'.

You need people to connect with that can relate to what you’re going through, then the resentment towards others will stop.

You’re getting a bit of a hard time here but really what you need is better connections and better support.

YANBU to feel resentful.

but what does being resentful solve for you? I presume nothing.
so probably best if you stop comparing what you think is happening in other households, because you don't actually know.
appearances can be deceptive and nobody has it easy

Yanbu OP.

Life with kids with sn is, on the most part, harder than life without. I can’t comprehend how much harder it must be for parents of those at the very challenging end of the asd spectrum.

It is in so many ways other parents don’t realise. The constant need for supervision. The inability to occupy themselves. The risk of causing harm to others if not fully supervised. How quickly a situation can escalate. The need to helicopter parent to try and prevent things going horribly wrong, but frequently failing and everything ending in conflict.

I think that That1GreenBottles post is a perfect example of what others don’t get. Those are examples of what could happen with neurotypical kids (admittedly some could work with some neurodiverse kids too). I can only laugh at the idea that my kids would be sad if I didn’t play with them in soft play. My laptop would be on the floor, my kids would be shrieking, and everyone would be staring at me before I could concentrate on anything.

I'm not so sure it's luck of the draw in terms of behaviour etc unless of course there are diagnosis etc.
I have 3 kids 21, 14 and 3. I would they have different personalities yes but I can't say I parented them any differently from each other over the years and have found each child did as they were told for the majority of time, was well behaved and well mannered.
They have all been "easy"'kids but I always thought it was because I didn't tolerate bad behaviour and that they knew what was expected of them and that was that.
I have had ridiculous hard days but more due to the relentless of single parenting, the struggle to coordinate work,childcare, financial stuff.

My older two are hard work, one has autism. I love them but there have been many times I have been embarrassed to be seen with them in public - like when they start fighting with each other.

My younger two are good as gold (in public at least!). With the younger ones I look like a great parent but it is easy with them - i don’t have to put in any effort.

I have raised them all the same but i think children arrive into the world with their own personalities and you only have a certain amount of influence over them.

Now I've worked with children with some complex behaviours and SEN I feel incredibly lucky that my four children are all with the 'normal' bracket for education and behaviour.

Some children can be exhausting for just a few hours and that's with colleagues on hand to help so I have every respect for the parents of such children who have to deal with these issues constantly and for the long term, trying to get them the best care and education for their whole childhood.

Nettleskeins yes, that's it. I'd just like my friends to understand I think and acknowledge that it's hard. Maybe tell me I'm doing a good job , because all the effort and hard work is rarely apparent in my children's behaviour.

I feel terrible that I haven't mentioned by husband in all this. I am not alone. He is a brilliant Dad and works so hard too (and YES I DO know how lucky I am to have him!)

misssunshine4040
'but I always thought it was because I didn't tolerate bad behaviour and that they knew what was expected of them and that was that'.

No offence, but that's EXACTLY the kind of comment I mean. Honestly I work with families and children all day long and for the vast majority no amount of 'not tolerating bad behaviour' would be enough.