To resent those with easier children?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

@stilltiredinthemorning

misssunshine4040 'but I always thought it was because I didn't tolerate bad behaviour and that they knew what was expected of them and that was that'.

No offence, but that's EXACTLY the kind of comment I mean. Honestly I work with families and children all day long and for the vast majority no amount of 'not tolerating bad behaviour' would be enough.

Yes. I thought the same. Until I had number 3 and no amount of boundaries or non tolerance of bad behaviour have changed his personality.

Yanbu and I totally get it. My kids have been raised in similar ways to my friend’s kids, but they will always be more challenging. It’s genetic I think. (There is Asperger in my family) Sometimes it does feel like nobody understands.

I understand what you're saying OP and ultimately you probably do have it far harder, but to be pissed off at your friends seems harsh. It isn't their fault they don't understand and I'm sure in their world it does feel really hard. I remember when I had one DC everything felt so difficult and stressful at times. I'm sure lots of mums with multiple children looked at me and thought how easy I had it with one, but to me it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I now have 3 DC and realise how easy it was with one, but it didn't feel it at the time!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I think some parents things it’s a sign of solidarity to fake understanding. My ex husband always used to talk about how difficult dc were and how little sleep he had. It wasn’t true but he said he didn’t want to ‘brag’ about how easy dc were.

MrsMcTats I know they're not bad people and of course they have hardships to live through like everyone. I suppose as we all get older I'm just noticing how little they seem to understand how privileged they are (in many ways). When I said middle class, I suppose I meant of the Guardian reading, professional, cloth nappy, camper van variety, not public schools and nannies. They're all very 'right on' but I imagine deep down they think most children with behavioural difficulties have energy drinks for breakfast and watch screens 24/7.

I get you.
They may well have feckin terrible teenagers.
My own sister had to eat her words, expressing horror at dd2 when she was 13-15 ,"I would just never allow a child if mine to speak like that or behave like that".
A few years later she had much worse!

Mamamovingnorth yes, yes YES, I think that's exactly what it is! I find it deeply patronising and lazy, surely it's pretty amateurish empathy, there must be a place between 'God you're right you're kids are a nightmare, I'm glad I'm not you' and 'yes I know, it's a nightmare for us too, our children are JUST THE SAME'. We're all intelligent adults after all!

Sorry, your not you're - I've had some wine!

I have fairly easy children and my friend has very difficult children including one with SN. I am very aware that I am lucky but I can hardly say anything to her about it! Imagine if I said, “Life must be really tough for you as your kids are really hard work. Mine are a breeze and I love it.” She would really hate me.

Life isn’t supposed to be this shit, is it?

Just read the above thread and am now feeling pretty ashamed of myself.

I had an 'easy baby' who slept well, developed normally had no issues but I was fraught with PND and trying desperately to keep my shit together although you wouldn't have known as I hid it well and kept up appearances. Unless you know me well you wouldn't have known.

Everyone has their own struggles and ups and downs however most people only choose to share the ups!

Skral the thing is, she probably knows that's what you think, so to me it's just a bit cowardly and fake (and kind of lazy) to pretend otherwise. Surely there's a middle ground where you can acknowledge that she has it harder than you and you respect her for how hard she works. I would just really appreciate some honesty from my friends rather than pretending everything's jolly and we're all in the same boat.

I have two children (now in their 20s) with ADHD, plus one has epilepsy, SLD and attachment disorder (they are both adopted). I also have a bio child who is older.

The most useful conclusion I came to, in times of great stress, was that I couldn’t be a reactive parent anymore. I had to plan for all eventualities. This proactive method got me through some of the trickiest times.

Part of that was spending time with other parents who were supportive; who had similar values; who recognised that my kids didn’t find confinement easy, so outdoors was better. People with similarly active children, who didn’t offer their own kids lots of processed snacks that mine might beg for and then react to. Stuff like that just made life so much easier. I always had suitable snacks/drinks/spare clothes with me- plus activities in case we did have to sit down (notebooks I’d drawn wordsearches and put quizzes in etc).

Every morning, we’d have a story about whatever activity we would be doing that day (swimming/doctors/dentist/park etc), and I’d introduce scenarios where we might encounter issues. I could reference those stories when we were out- they happened to two imaginary children, who were the same age as mine, so they could identify.

We still had our moments, but for the most part, I felt much more in control, and the children were less anxious.

Yanbu
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have typical children

I've got 11 yr old twins, both autistic with a handful of other diagnoses thrown in the mix.

The best thing that happened to me was finding a local community of other SEN mums. Because we all do "get it". We know what it's like, and how hard it is, and how utterly bloody relentless it is at times. It helps so much.

In the past, well-meaning mums would say "oh yes, my son/daughter is JUST like that too!" - except that they're clearly not. And it's really trivialising, most other parents (understandably) just don't get what you're experiencing and in many cases they're secretly thinking "if you would only do X like us, I'm sure you'd nip that behaviour in the bud".

Be gentle - but to yourselves as well as your DC. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. I have often clung to the thought "this too shall pass....".

I have two DC with a small age gap. DC1 was very easy but DC2 soon removed any illusions that I had about DC1 being easy due to my parenting skills. I used to break out on a cold sweat having to cope with DC2’s behaviour at playgroup and family days out were very limited due to it. DC2 subsequently had a diagnosis that goes some way to explaining their behaviour and they have improved a lot with age - I could sometimes almost describe them as chilled nowadays - but DC2 still has a very different personality to DC1 and even without the disability would always have been a more difficult child.

@MuchTooTired

YANBU. My DTs are nearly 3.5, I love them to death and they’re wonderful kids, but fuck me, they’re feral. They don’t give a shit about parental approval, as they’ve got each other and they just get crazier and crazier. I feel like the worst mother in the world most days, I have to fight them at least once a day on something simple, and I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Even their nursery has started making comments, on one hand I’m glad they’ve seen it as it’s not just me they act up for, but I’ve spent the whole weekend worrying on and off that they’re going to kick us out or report us to social services for their behaviour. I realise SS is unlikely, I’m just so scared of them and I’ve done nothing wrong!

They were lovely easy children until they hit around 2, and it’s been downhill ever since. Obviously mixed in with all the naughty we have beautiful moments where they’re model behaved children to lull me in to a false sense of security and it’s like I imagined it all.

I read somewhere once that difficult toddlers = easy teenagers, so I’m clinging on to that. If you know something different, please don’t burst my bubble!

Omg are you me? I could have posted this except my twins are 4.5. They are ANIMALS. And they don't listen to me. Ever. Solidarity xx

I’ve got a DD with ASD and SPD with a demand avoidant profile. A poor sleeper who we just about managed at home but extremely challenging at school. I felt absolutely useless and a failure as a parent until she was diagnosed at 8. I couldn’t understand why when we tried so hard to be good parents we still had a wilful child. All the effort we put in has paid off as she is a delightful 13 year old now. Still a shit sleeper who needs a lot of support at school but so polite, funny and loving. Keep doing what you are doing. It will get better, it is working but slowly, your DC love you.

YANBU. I had a horrible week with my DC this week, I thought they were behaving atrociously. I was moaning about this to my sister on FaceTime the other day and she was looking at me quizzicaly and blurted "how do you get to just sit on the couch?" She couldn't fathom how I was sitting (in actual fact I was lying down) talking on the phone without a child clambering all over me/without having to supervise them. I shut up moaning then.

Her DC are WILD. She's a great parent, they're just incredibly demanding and high energy so she never gets a second to breathe. I just spent the day with them today and I could feel myself unclench when they left as I had been on such high alert all day trying to stop them running into oncoming traffic/hitting my DC/breaking something, that's how she lives every day. It's relentless and while my DC are by no means perfect, she definitely has it much tougher than me and I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep my moans to myself!

I suppose that it depends upon whether your children are actually harder work than others and whether they get diagnosed with anything. I have a friend with two autistic boys and has had it harder than anyone that I know. However, she does everything that she can to parent them and they are well behaved, despite having aspects of their behaviour that they are unable to control. My children are also (so far) well behaved, but then I have always supervised them closely compared to some of my peers. Some of the parents who complain about how energetic their kids are put no rules in place. Their kids come belting into school, having crossed roads on their own and having pushed their way to the front of the queue. And the parents just seem so oblivious. I have a friend who tells me how lucky I am to have such well behaved kids, whilst doing very little to manage her own kids behaviour. I have seen them hit and kick her and she just shrugs her shoulders as if to say 'see what I have to put up with'! Her children trashed my playroom once and she never offered to help tidy up or make them do it. Nor offered to replace the broken toys. And the whole class often get punished at school as a direct result of her kids' behaviour. It's not about being smug, but with children comes responsibility and hard work. That said, of course there will always be exceptions to the rule.

Gentle parenting obviously isnt working for you though if you are so stressed.
I really mean it kindly when I suggest you try some less gentle parenting.

@stilltiredinthemorning

misssunshine4040 'but I always thought it was because I didn't tolerate bad behaviour and that they knew what was expected of them and that was that'.

No offence, but that's EXACTLY the kind of comment I mean. Honestly I work with families and children all day long and for the vast majority no amount of 'not tolerating bad behaviour' would be enough.

Sorry I never meant that in a way to dismiss others experiences. I think parents of children with complex needs and behaviour issues are unsung heroes and I can't imagine the extra pressure and stress this causes

@Hugoslavia

I suppose that it depends upon whether your children are actually harder work than others and whether they get diagnosed with anything. I have a friend with two autistic boys and has had it harder than anyone that I know. However, she does everything that she can to parent them and they are well behaved, despite having aspects of their behaviour that they are unable to control. My children are also (so far) well behaved, but then I have always supervised them closely compared to some of my peers. Some of the parents who complain about how energetic their kids are put no rules in place. Their kids come belting into school, having crossed roads on their own and having pushed their way to the front of the queue. And the parents just seem so oblivious. I have a friend who tells me how lucky I am to have such well behaved kids, whilst doing very little to manage her own kids behaviour. I have seen them hit and kick her and she just shrugs her shoulders as if to say 'see what I have to put up with'! Her children trashed my playroom once and she never offered to help tidy up or make them do it. Nor offered to replace the broken toys. And the whole class often get punished at school as a direct result of her kids' behaviour. It's not about being smug, but with children comes responsibility and hard work. That said, of course there will always be exceptions to the rule.

This is more along the lines of what I was meaning.

@stilltiredinthemorning

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

Invite some of these easy children to a party and observe.

You will realise very quickly your own children are fab :)

@Colourcones

Gentle parenting obviously isnt working for you though if you are so stressed. I really mean it kindly when I suggest you try some less gentle parenting.

Some children are just more difficult though, and it's nothing to do with parenting. The OP does sound very experienced. I have one child who is so much more challenging than his siblings and they are all parented the same. (He has multiple diagnoses now, but didn't until he was eight.) One of the hardest things is the limits it puts on family life - trips out are often impossible or, when we do try to do things, usually stressful. Knowing that my children - both the affected child and his siblings - are missing out on simple things that other families take for granted is hard.

Like anything else though, you don't truly understand a situation until you've experienced it, so YANBU to say others don't get it - they very often don't. It's not necessarily anyone's fault but, you're right, it's lonely.