To resent those with easier children?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

And really feel like they don't get it AT ALL!!!?

My kids are brilliant and I love them to death but they are pretty challenging. My daughter (5) is a little delayed in most areas of her development and is also quite anxious (probably as a consequence) as a result school is quite challenging for her and she struggles socially. My son (3) seems pretty bright, but is VERY high energy, never does what he's told and seems to break everything he touches.

They may well end up with a diagnosis or 2 (I work in paediatrics myself) but for now it's too early to tell and that's not really the point.

What is driving me a bit crazy is that everyone I know seems to constantly bang on about how hard parenthood is when their children are obviously a breeze in comparison. I know every child has their moments, but really, they are having an entirely different parenting experience.

Most of my friends, like me, are older parents and middle class. They blatantly think that their children's academic ease, steady behaviour etc. etc. is down to their parenting but I know from experience (from my job) it's mainly the luck of the draw. We are so careful with our parenting and work so hard to be gentle and consistent and keep a steady routine and a healthy diet and limited screen time etc. etc. and I know it's still worth it, but our kids are still pretty difficult. I feel completely exhausted and like no one I know gets it and are completely obvious as to how much harder it is. It's actually beginning to impact on some of my friendships. Am I being an arse?

Your children sound OK to me. Most children are challenging at times, even the ones who appear to be 'easy'.

Competitive parenting is dreadful and I am glad it is not something I ever got into.

@Nettleskeins

I think what OP is saying is, that people will expect things of you, or belittle your parenting "decisions", without understanding that some things just are more difficult to manage. Like Manning a school fete booth. Going out for the evening. Bothering to dress up. Working or having an interesting career. You make choices based on parenting experiences but your experiences aren't validated by others...it isn't envy on our parts, it is the feeling of being ostracised, at its worst point (not every day or every year of course, but just occasionally)

Thank you very much for this.

YANBU

Mine aren't too bad but having a second definitely made me realize that parenting skills are not that relevant ( in both directions).

DS1 is the planet's pickiest eater and probably has sensory seeking issues.

Dd2 eats hummus and olives but took a while to get sleep together.

That's very hard. It's not you. It's just a very difficult stage. I wish it wasn't.

I get it (also have DC with SN). What I find helps is to remind myself of all the people who have a far, far tougher time than me. It balances out the perspective, IYKWIM. And some of the people whose lives look so perfect from the outside are struggling with demons you don't know about.

But it does sound as if you are pretty tired out, which is really understandable. Any chance of a parenting break? If not, is there anyone who is there for you, to talk to or even just offer a hug? I often find that I tend to just soldier on alone, and asking for help or comfort is challenging.

@Lemonlime5

YANBU I always resent how some people can just go wherever they like with their children without a care in the world. DS is ASD/ADHD and extremely difficult at the moment. Everything is such hard work.

Same here, also oldest with ASD (diagnosed). And it really started getting to me. And we're not even invited anywhere anymore, as it just ruins everyone's time.

I guess maybe I just need to find my tribe - though I'm not sure how or where!?

The kids are tiring, but for the most part I feel like we're doing all we can and they bring us lots of you too. It's more that I'm disappointed in my friends I suppose that they lack the imagination to see that my experience is different to theirs or they're too lazy to look a bit closer or they think faux solidarity will be helpful. I feel too old and tired to make new friends, but I'm struggling to let that resentment go.

Oops, 'you' should have read joy (no wine this morning I promise!)

@Miseryl

Sometimes people find parenting easier the younger they are because they aren't used to years of freedom without kids and are more flexible, making it easier to adjust. If you've lived nearly four decades without being tied down, it can be much more difficult to adjust to the demands that all kids make on your life, however educated you are.

For some people, yes

But I was a slightly older parent (not through choice). Overall, I would have preferred to have my children younger, but there are some advantages. I am calmer, more settled, wiser, have more perspective. And was happy to leave my partying days behind and live a quieter family life

Solidarity! I have two very high energy boys, absolute whirlwinds. DS1 is going through assessment - ticks a lot of boxes for ASD, ADHD and is a big sensory seeker. DS2 is a typical 3yo and never stops moving. DS1 has never 'sat and played quietly' at all and I used to feel really down about it and judged by others. Even on the school run I would see kids walking along silently holding a parent's hand then waiting patiently again in silence at the gates and wonder why my DS had to be the one never shutting up or standing still. I had to stop comparing. It is definitely beneficial to find parents with similar children.

I can relate to how you're feeling. The part that gets me down, personally, is the knowledge that with neuro differences, things tend to get harder rather than easier as your child leaves the early years. Our DD appears to be managing pretty well at a mainstream school but no-one sees what it takes for us to keep it that way. I do recommend you seek a diagnosis privately rather than waiting years for the NHS. We found it quite validating to be told that we'd done OK as parents, after beating ourselves up for years for not trying hard enough/being good enough. We were also able to get melatonin prescribed which has helped with the awful sleep issues.

If you have a diagnosis, you will be able to find other parents in the same boat and they will get it.

We find it hard to hear people boasting about how well their DC are doing academically as our DD is bright (she came out a year ahead on the speech and language test they do as part of ADOS) but her ADHD is so severe that we realised she devotes most of her energy at school just to sitting in her chair...

We found our tribe via a Facebook page linked from the charity for one of DD's conditions. I have got sympathetic work colleagues too but when I have opened up about the actual behaviours the horror on their faces makes it evident that we are down a rather extreme end of parenting.

But actually DD's behaviours are rather mild compared to the issues some parents describe on the Facebook group.

It's a rather alienating experience all round and very hard on marriages.

I think YABU in the aspect of thinking that the other parents are not allowed to feel tired or exhausted just because you have it harder.

Surely as a Paediatrician, you know that kids go through different stages, and some are easier than others.

I felt as you did during the first stage of my kids' life. They both suffered from very very bad colic and it was hell. They cried all the time non stop, nothing could sooth them. I felt so utterly helpless, seeing them in pain and not able to help. Then there was the sleepless nights, the not being to do much out as I couldn't relax and enjoy it etc....

Like you, I resented mums of babies who woke up only 2 or 3 times a night, had a feed and went back to sleep right after, had a smiley baby most of the day but still moaned about how hard it was.

Then my kids were tough because they both needed constant stimulation. They never played alone, not even much together, they always wanted adult company, always needed to be involved in activities and conversations. I again envied my friends whose kids could be in their bedroom for hours playing with their toys.

The thing is though, once they started school, it became the other way around. They did brilliantly, made friends without any issues, loved school and their behaviour was a dream. Even teenage years saw me having it very good and probably making my friends envious.

You can't lose friendships over this and resent people who might be the ones going through the same in years to come.

It's more that I'm disappointed in my friends I suppose that they lack the imagination to see that my experience is different to theirs or they're too lazy to look a bit closer or they think faux solidarity will be helpful
To be honest, if that's how you view friendship, you'll probably struggle to make new ones that will last.

Have you considered that maybe, one of your friend had it much much harder than you in the newborn stage? Did you honestly be we've we told them that you found that time tiring and a bit difficult?

My DC are older now but DD was a PITA about eating and sleeping and both DC were very late to be dry at night. I used to be so envious of people that had babies that slept all night from a few months old.
I've had people say its lazy parenting that a 6 year old still gets the bed. I could have happily dumped the machine loads of sodden bedding I was doing daily at their door. And while they happily had a nights kip, I was up changing beds and bathing one of the kids... but yes v lazy of me!!
Another parent (and one non parent) said they "wouldnt put up with it" when I told them about DD (then 5) crying and coming into our bed each night. A few years later both got dogs and couldnt bear to hear the dogs whining all night and took them to their bedrooms!!

While I agree with you that it’s possible your children are just more difficult, can you concede that it is also possible that your friends have genuinely managed to get their children more under control with parenting styles different to yours? You seem so sure that if they had had your children they would be struggling (and if you had had their children you’d be finding it a breeze) - how can you possibly know that? In the same way they can’t be sure it’s a result of their great parenting, you can’t be sure that it’s not. The term ‘gentle parenting’ always makes me raise an eyebrow. My SIL is always, always making excuses for her badly behaved kids, apparently it’s just their nature, or they’re too intelligent to be kept entertained, they need more stimulation etc. but if you watch her and my DB parenting, it’s pretty obvious where they are going wrong to be honest. They constantly give them consequences and never follow through. They never raise their voices and let them away with murder. Now that’s their prerogative as parents, and it’s nothing to do with me, but it does annoy me when they imply that I am lucky to have such well-behaved DC, when DH and I have always been extremely strict and quite old-school with our parenting and our kids wouldn’t get away with a fraction of what their cousins are allowed to do!

Comparison is the thief of joy OP.

My df had lovely, happy and easy dc.
At 13 the oldest developed anorexia and spent time in an adolescent unit.

You can't know what the future will be.

I totally get you, OP. Comparison can make SEN parenting a very lonely place.

I found that what helped me was remembering how much I used to think that it "was all down to parenting" before I became a parent to my two SEN kids. I honestly had absolutely no idea, and would never have done unless I'd had mine, so I find that helps me alot because in my head (mostly) when people don't get it I think "do you know what, I didn't get it either and probably still wouldn't if I were in your position". So I don't get so caught up in whether they think its my parenting or my kids being naughty or whatever, because I know that I was in their position once and I was totally misinformed too!

I get this ‘your children are so lovely’, you are so lucky etc.
Tbh I resent it the other way- Dd is very small for her age and they don’t compute she’s delayed. She’s quiet to them, but is actually autistic. I’ve dedicated so much time to her happiness and development- including giving up a good career. I don’t resent this, I love time with her, but it also didn’t easily fall in my lap. We’ve had horrible seizures, nights and nights of anxiety and a toddlerhood of epic meltdowns.
Then I get the ‘oh you are so lucky’ from mums still with their ft careers and no idea of the lack of sleep I’ve been through and it grates.
But to them I’m it’s the magic mum of 5 that was blessed to have it sooo easy. Not the mum who’s worked really hard to help them grow to their best potential. It ignores me.

Obviously I can't be sure that my friends have an easier time parenting than me, but based on my experience, my knowledge of their children and the things they say in conversation I can make an educated guess. Life's not fair, its a fact. That's OK, I love my children and I accept my situation.

What I should have said in my OP is not that I resent their 'easier' children, but I reset their lack of attempt to support me in any meaningful way. These are people I've know for 20+ years and the majority of them are healthcare, social care and educational professionals. Perhaps a good comparison would be this: My very good friend lost her Mum around 10 years ago. I am very close to my Mum and see her often. On the other hand I am an only child and have never known my father, whereas my friend has 4 siblings and many, many aunts uncles and cousins all of whom live locally. What do I say when she's missing her Mum? 'Oh no, it sucks to be you, you poor thing I couldn't possibly cope without my Mum, I see her all the time'. Nope. 'Well at least you've got lots of other family, think yourself lucky, lots of people have it harder than you. Nope. 'I know exactly how you feel, it's just the same for me not knowing me Dad. Nope. I give it thought, I try my best to put myself in her shoes and I say "it must be so hard for you, it's so unfair. Don't feel you have to be strong all the time, you can come over here for a cry and a wine and a cuddle any time. You are doing incredibly well, I admire you so much. Your Mum would be so proud of you and your boys'.

I'm not saying it's a perfect response and maybe I get it completely wrong, but I do give it a lot of thought and make a big effort to support her wherever I can, because life is not fair and I know how lucky I am.

The thing is it's not just how easy or not kids are that make parenting easy or not. There are so many other factors.

Parenting is easier when you and your partner are in the same page, both supportive and involved and you get along well, compared to a couple that disagree all the time, have different views on disciplining or when one doesn't do much disciplining at all and leave it all to the other.

It's easier to parent when you own your spacious house and are mortgage free Then when you rent your home, have neighbours that cause you stress and are constantly worried about being given notice because they are few property for rental in the area and you're scarred the kids will have to move house but can't afford to buy.

So many things that I pact on the experience, it's very unfair to assume you know all tour friends circumstances and know for a fact that taking everything into account, your experience is definitely more challenging and always will be.

I’m going to be honest, not for the sake of nastiness, just what my impression is- you are rather self-focused. You presume your responses are useful. You are presuming your experience professionally gives you insight in home lives. You are presuming others are equally open, and are not adept and focused on hiding issues.

I’m not saying this to be nasty, is find your response example patronising and inappropriate. Not because you are a bad person, simply because we are different. Just how you may look at my parenting and make presumptions about circumstances.

It may be a problem that you are quite wrapped up in your struggles and it blinds you to other peoples. I have friends like this, professional women who are genuinely stressed, not bad people- but they all always thinking they have it bad. They only look at the now to make their judgements, are always looking for support. For example one is finding work from home really hard, she sees me not working in the same way and often free. She thinks I’m selfish with my lack of help, has asked a few times for me to help. I genuinely however cannot cope with the mix of our (six!) younger children together, I can’t drive them anywhere to escape, they trash the house, argue and clash in every way. She just sees I’m free and I don’t help. She also would never dream of offering help as she’s believe it’s too hard for her to.

@Twilow

Yes. Everyone has their own struggles.

BUT your feelings are your feelings so stop beating yourself up.

this. I have a DS with multiple developmental issues. I confess I do feel sadness and regret when I see what other children his age can do and achieve. It makes me so sad sometimes. But he is MY child. And is perfect the way he is and all I can do is deal with things as they are. But sometimes it is very very hard.

Yes you are being an arse. You have no idea what struggles go on at home. My dc are amazing at school and at people's houses and almost always in public. It's actually quite frustrating as everyone thinks they are so good but at hone they are relentless. I gave up a long time ago trying to raise dd2's behaviour with school as I got the same tilted head and raised eyebrow each time that means they think I'm talking complete nonsense. I don't practice gentle parenting though and probably a bit lax with screens so that makes life a bit easier I guess.