To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

I've been in your mums shoes and think OW should not be there. Your mum is suffering enough. People that break up marriages should expect this sort of thing after causing such misery.

After 20 years your DM is being unreasonable and I say this as a daughter of a very similar mother

@AutumnColours9

I've been in your mums shoes and think OW should not be there. Your mum is suffering enough. People that break up marriages should expect this sort of thing after causing such misery.

She’s not the other woman, she’s his wife of 20 years. The only people who can break up marriages are the ones who took the vows.

So sorry for your loss, it understandable you want your mum and dad there at the funeral and to sit between them, but reading this as an neutral observer I think a big part of your understandable grief is trying to heal your own sense of abandonment and subconsciously wishing to re write the past as then maybe your brother would have been ok too. Knowing your mum hasn't been able to process the affair 20 years on , you step mum and your dad could be gracious and your step mum could not attend, but there's also no reason why she shouldn't be there as stepmum and your dad's wife partner of 20 years. Keeping the division alive and hating your stepmum for what was ultimately your dad's decision isn't going to help you or your mum move on.

She will always be known for being OW though. People don't forget.

@AutumnColours9

She will always be known for being OW though. People don't forget.

Probably not if the bitter first wife keeps reminding them.

It's really unhealthy to hold onto bitterness for such a long time.
Trying to encourage your Mum to get over the affair is a good positive step forward for herself as well as your Dad.

Probably known as 'The lovely Mrs X. Such a nice couple and they've ben together for years.'

I think perhaps 'Dad' and his wife, should be prepared to show a bit of grace here. The time that a woman should be admonished to move on and accept the man that she married that walked away from her, and the woman that he did that with, is not when she is burying her son.

I hope that the meeting with your Dad goes well today.

I am sorry for all the pain you are engulfed in right now with this tragedy. These are very early fraught days. I hope that you can all have compassion for yourselves and each other and be able to pace yourselves as you all have a tough, long, exhausting journey ahead of you for the next few years. Try not to get too drawn in or too drained as you need to conserve your emotional energy for your own children. If your DM has struggled to get over the affair and divorce she will need professional help to cope with the devastating loss of her son - your support alone will probably not be enough. Maybe encourage her to reach out to Cruse when the time is right.

@mbosnz

I think perhaps 'Dad' and his wife, should be prepared to show a bit of grace here. The time that a woman should be admonished to move on and accept the man that she married that walked away from her, and the woman that he did that with, is not when she is burying her son.

Completely agree.

I am mums rock

And who will be there for you? You are grieving too and your grief, as a sister, is not less than that of your parents and should not be treated as such by either of them.

Let your dad have the wife if 20 years by his side. By all means be your mums rock, but make sure you have your husband with you too.

Hope your talk went well, and you managed to resolve the issue.

@JennieLee

I really don't get why, when women are unhappy in a marriage, they are told to Leave The Bastard.

But if men are unhappy and go,, then they are Bastards For Leaving.

Could someone explain?

Thanks

Jennie

I think that one needs its own thread.

She will always be known for being OW though. People don't forget.
They don't forget, but most people are capable of realising that if a couple have started in bad circumstances and are still together decades down the line there comes a point where bitterness and bringing up the past is unhelpful at best and unhealthy at worst.

I know 2 people who've been together from an affair decades ago. At the time it was a big deal, but as time went on people saw them as the Smiths and that was that.

@JennieLee. I think most people would respect someone who leaves because they are unhappy and want to start to rebuild their life. Bastard comes into play when they've rebuilt their life with someone new before they've ended their marriage.

People outside the family will just see a couple as 'the Smiths' after they've been together for a long time, but the ex spouse and children might not and that's okay. They were the ones directly affected and aren't under any obligation to make the couple feel better or accepted.
If an ex and kids can forgive then that's obviously much better for their own states of mind, but sometimes they just can't. It's not always the affair or the leaving but how they behave afterwards. There's often a lot of injustice in the years that follow - the left spouse can suffer financially, be left with all the childcare and responsibilities, which also impact on their ability to rebuild their own life. It's a lot to get over, even after 20 years, if you feel what they did has had a lasting negative effects.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

People outside the family will just see a couple as 'the Smiths' after they've been together for a long time, but the ex spouse and children might not and that's okay. They were the ones directly affected and aren't under any obligation to make the couple feel better or accepted. If an ex and kids can forgive then that's obviously much better for their own states of mind, but sometimes they just can't. It's not always the affair or the leaving but how they behave afterwards. There's often a lot of injustice in the years that follow - the left spouse can suffer financially, be left with all the childcare and responsibilities, which also impact on their ability to rebuild their own life. It's a lot to get over, even after 20 years, if you feel what they did has had a lasting negative effects.

Them having those feelings does not mean those feelings should take precedence at a time of grieving.

[quote Hathertonhariden]@JennieLee. I think most people would respect someone who leaves because they are unhappy and want to start to rebuild their life. Bastard comes into play when they've rebuilt their life with someone new before they've ended their marriage.[/quote]
Also, women come on MN and say, "I'm married and he's having an affair" which will tend to elicit LTB responses, quite understandably.

But very few women come on here and say "I'm married and I'm having an affair" so it's not a circumstance that MN often gets to respond to.

It'd be interesting to see whether the most usual response would be 'your husband should leave you'. I suspect that it would quite often be 'you probably have your reasons'.

I disagree sofa. I think it's one of the times when their feelings should absolutely be a priority. Or this will be one more situation where the dad and his wife just suit themselves with no care for the hurt they cause others. The mum has done all the raising of her son, she's the one who has been there, while dad was off doing his own thing. The mum is absolutely the person whose feelings on this matter should come first.

Aww so sorry op. You should be mourning your brother without this stress I think your mum is right to despise the ow but it's been 20 years, sad that your being the go between.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I disagree sofa. I think it's one of the times when their feelings should absolutely be a priority. Or this will be one more situation where the dad and his wife just suit themselves with no care for the hurt they cause others. The mum has done all the raising of her son, she's the one who has been there, while dad was off doing his own thing. The mum is absolutely the person whose feelings on this matter should come first.

If you say so. The dad has lost his son too. Those feelings should be more severe than hers about being left two decades ago.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I disagree sofa. I think it's one of the times when their feelings should absolutely be a priority. Or this will be one more situation where the dad and his wife just suit themselves with no care for the hurt they cause others. The mum has done all the raising of her son, she's the one who has been there, while dad was off doing his own thing. The mum is absolutely the person whose feelings on this matter should come first.

Just because this dad split up with OP's mum doesn't mean that he didn't also raise his children and isn't equally as heartbroken by this loss.

I think it's very unreasonable to prioritise one parent's feelings about a break-up 2 decades ago over the other parent's right to be supported by the person they love through their own child's funeral.

They do not all have to sit together or even speak. I would expect OP to sit with her mum and other family and her dad to sit with his wife away from them. There should be no issue with this.

OP said upthread that it was her mum who bore the brunt of caring for the brother.

@LolaSmiles

She will always be known for being OW though. People don't forget. They don't forget, but most people are capable of realising that if a couple have started in bad circumstances and are still together decades down the line there comes a point where bitterness and bringing up the past is unhelpful at best and unhealthy at worst.

I know 2 people who've been together from an affair decades ago. At the time it was a big deal, but as time went on people saw them as the Smiths and that was that.

Yes, and also, regardless of any of this....someone's child's funeral is the worst possible time to want to stick the knife in over this. It is much bigger and worse than anything that has gone before.

Stepmum's attendance or not is surely a drop in the ocean of what OP, her mum and other family members are feeling right now, and certainly what they will be feeling on the day. But it will make a big difference to OP's dad to have his wife there with him, particularly given it doesn't sound like he's too popular through the rest of the family, understandably.