To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

This kind of issue often happens in bereaved families, as in people remarrying and some people being at odds with others. If your Dad is going to speak to you soon, maybe you will get another view point on the funeral arrangements. To add upset and strife on your Brothers funeral day, would be very upsetting for everyone, and would stay in your memory for a long time.

@Overitallnow

This is exactly the same situation as in my family. And I can 100% guarantee that my "Stepmother" would NOT be attending my brother's funeral. And if my father insisted, he would not be attending either. It's going to be an awful enough day for you and your mother without this added drama.

You and your DF would both have an equal right to say who should be at the funeral. Why would you have more of a say? This poor chap has lost his child just as much as the mother has.

@HOkieCOkie

Her son has died unexpectedly, of course she doesn’t want the women who stole her husband at his funeral. A decent person would stay away out of respect.

I can see that a grieving father would want his wife at his sons funeral...

BUT it's more complicated than that isn't it? .. He largely lost the right to have her at family events when she was the cause of his marriage break up? And the injured party (the dead persons MOTHER) SPECIFICALLY asked for her not to be there.

For all the people say, she must move on/it was 20 years ago... It sounds like she may hold their affair responsible as one of the reasons for her dead son's poor MH /alcoholism.

I don't think I would want to play happy families in this circumstance.

I can't believe everyone is suggesting your dm is being unreasonable for not moving on and holding this against the man.
He lied and cheated on her for god knows how long. The person who wS supposed to love her more than anything hurt her more than anyone else could.
Maybe her trust was shattered?
Maybe she thought love wasn't worth the risk of betrayal?
The fact that you didn't attend his wedding speaks volumes.
You weren't invited. She isn't.
I will say it again, this is the risk you take cheating on rather than leaving your wife. You risk falling in love and marrying your affair partner and them being hated by your children or your family. People don't get over this stuff. If it was a case of Husband leaves wife and wife hated husbands new wife then yabu and she should come, but thats not what happened. Husband destroyed wife trust and his own family.
we know cheating is wrong every one knows it.
It makes you feel crazy.
no nobody left me for another woman but it makes me so sick that people are saying the ops mother is being selfish! why not? its her turn!

@imscaredpleasehelp

I can't believe everyone is suggesting your dm is being unreasonable for not moving on and holding this against the man. He lied and cheated on her for god knows how long. The person who wS supposed to love her more than anything hurt her more than anyone else could. Maybe her trust was shattered? Maybe she thought love wasn't worth the risk of betrayal? The fact that you didn't attend his wedding speaks volumes. You weren't invited. She isn't. I will say it again, this is the risk you take cheating on rather than leaving your wife. You risk falling in love and marrying your affair partner and them being hated by your children or your family. People don't get over this stuff. If it was a case of Husband leaves wife and wife hated husbands new wife then yabu and she should come, but thats not what happened. Husband destroyed wife trust and his own family. we know cheating is wrong every one knows it. It makes you feel crazy. no nobody left me for another woman but it makes me so sick that people are saying the ops mother is being selfish! why not? its her turn!

Well, people do get over stuff. She has to take some responsibility is she hasn't, it's been twenty years.

Well, it sounds like the son, the daughter, and the wife he left, to bring up these children alone, have lingering issues - whether it's 20 years or not since he left their care and upbringing to their mother alone is really neither here nor there. This is how they feel. He acted, these are the consequences. If anyone has to bear them, surely it's him and the woman he went into a relationship with, before squaring his existing marriage and children away. It sounds like they've had enough to put up with, as a result of his actions.

Op I’ve read your posts. Not everyone’s responses.

I have to say, as much as it might be very tough to deal with, your mother holding onto anger and bitterness and having your brother be the only one at home that had to deal with that is probably a much larger contributor to his over all issues regarding the divorce. Unless I am completely wrong and he didn’t know any of the reasons for the divorce.

Children suffer when adults load them with their own anger and issues. Many many many people divorce because of an affair, in all my anecdotal memories of children destroyed by it, it is largely in the main, the spouse who couldn’t let go or move on who caused the most harm in the long run.

Well, the son, poor boy, no longer has lingering issues. My sincere condolences to you, OP, and your Mother, on your loss.

I really don't get why, when women are unhappy in a marriage, they are told to Leave The Bastard.

But if men are unhappy and go,, then they are Bastards For Leaving.

Could someone explain?

Thanks

Jennie

Leaving is fine. Lying and cheating isn't.
Hth Jennie

I believe it's commonly held to be good form to actually formally leave one relationship before - no I won't say it - before commencing another. Anything else can lead to a certain degree of confusion, resentment, ill feeling, and loss of closure on those who were blindsided by the one leaving - particularly the children.

@G00d0mens

Interestingly, voting indicates the OP is NBU at all (72%)

Ideally, the stepmum should have the decency to stay away. OPs brother tolerated her at best and resented having to see her with his father.

The father’s need for his “rock” does not trump the mother’s needs to say goodbye to her son without the additional historic pain of their betrayal flung at her. She does not have to suck it up - even after 20 years if she does not wish to. The reality is both parents will have additional family members they can rely upon for support on the day - no need for controversy or extra painful memories.

Another factor might be to consider the wishes of the parent who gave the most care and love to OP and her brother following the nuclear bomb that the father dropped on their family life and in general after that…that parent should get to decide who does and who does not attend.

We don’t always have to agree with what the men want.

This is very well said - completely agree.

It really doesn’t matter wtf is held to be good form or not.
This op is drawn into yet another family saga over her mother not being able to let go and concentrate on the positives that came out of a marriage instead of all the anger and bitterness. When the OP should be grieving

People, of either sex. If your other half is a total cunt, be better than them. Lead a happy life, wish them happiness. Then your children might not end up totally fucking destroyed along with you.

We don’t always have to agree with what the men want

I think we can cut a grieving father some slack, can’t we?

Well quite frankly, I'd put the mother who gave birth to the child and raised the child pretty high on the list of who should be given priority consideration.

This funeral will turn into something that’s nothing to do with your brother unless the war ends now. Maybe that means both your parents have a lot of work to do. But shit like this can’t follow your mum to her grave. What a life. Wasting 40+ years being bitter and angry.

I think your dad needs his wife there he has lost his son.
Your mum has had 20 years to leave the hurt and bitterness behind it isn't healthy that she is still so upset.

I imagine that her son dying in such a manner has possibly raked up old coals, and she's not feeling her most gracious and forgiving right now. He left his wife, and his son, remember. His Mum and sister will be there to give him support. Perhaps it's time for him to put someone other than himself first? It could be a real growth experience for him.

I will just add, that although yes probably Mum should have let go of some of the bitterness by now and it was a long time ago, every time my DB broke up with a girlfriend, left a job or had nowhere to go he came back to hers, she was the one who lent him money, fed him, supported him, replaced his broken glasses/laptops etc. some would describe her (and me I guess) as an enabler, forever fixing things for him or trying to, which is more guilt to carry. It wasn’t my dad who had to hide his booze when my bro came home for a few months, or try to drag him to the GP to talk about his mental health. There’s little point rehashing old resentments and upsets now, just wanted to say that Mum always did her best for us both, and no she isn’t perfect but she always did whatever she could.

Someone here isn't going to get what they want so what happens? I think the wronged party is the one whose feelings should take priority. Especially when it's something as serious and important as this. No one should be doing anything to make the mum feel worse.

When a couple get together by having an affair, there will often be family occasions where it isn't appropriate for the affair partner to attend. Not all people are good at just moving on, especially if they were blindsided or deeply hurt. The dad is obviously going to go to the funeral of his son. And children tend to want their parent at their weddings - they love the parent and even if they don't really forgive what they did there is still love. But that doesn't extend usually to the affair partner,even after 20 years. Some people do get over things and can move on and that's great, but I don't think the mum should be blamed if she struggled and couldn't. Maybe she could have done things differently or better but maybe she couldn't and did the best she could manage. The dad could do this one thing to make the day easier for her - I think he owes her that consideration.
The whole thing is just really sad.

Your Mum wasn't perfect, but she was there for him and you, as best she was able. I'm so sorry for your Mum's loss, I can only imagine how bitterly she is going over things in her own mind, thinking, 'coulda, woulda, shoulda'. But she did her best.

Cross posted with you Elle

I think I'm a fairly reasonable person, and I think this is genuinely a time when she should consider your mother and you foremost. It sounds like she's barely known you as 'adult' children. I see no reason for her to really be there especially since your father has other support.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, it must have been the most horrible shock.

Your father will be reeling. I can only imagine the grief of losing a child. He needs the support of his wife of many years to help him through this.

She did not let you down, I’m afraid he did. You love him though and because of that, at this desperate time for him you must let bygones be bygones, for his sake.

Again, condolences 💐

Thankyou lovelies. If they had divorced and he had met someone later on that would have been far less of an issue, it’s the betrayal and hurt she struggled with most, especially as my brother was so hurt by it too. She is no saint I know, I think in some ways it’s harder when parents separate with older kids as they are more likely to get stuck in the middle