To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

OP said upthread that it was her mum who bore the brunt of caring for the brother.

Lots of mums bear the brunt of caring for the children after a split, and a lot of the time through their own preference as they want their children to still live with them mainly, rather than with their dad. That's not to say dads are not a huge part of their life still.

My SCs live with their mum 90% of the time (because she moved away), she definitely bears the brunt of looking after them, but my DP is still a hugely committed father. He calls every day, loves his weekends with them, has them during the holidays etc etc. He would be utterly heartbroken if anything happened to either of them, it would ruin his life. But from the outside you could say the same, their mum looked after them more so she has more right to be upset. It isn't true.

REally sorry that you lost your brother. xx
This is not the time to explore it all, but you've demonised her and let your father off (I know you say you haven't forgiven him fully) but he gets to see you, your children, while she's still tolerated twenty years later.

would it be easier to see less of him?

@mbosnz

I think perhaps 'Dad' and his wife, should be prepared to show a bit of grace here. The time that a woman should be admonished to move on and accept the man that she married that walked away from her, and the woman that he did that with, is not when she is burying her son.

So true. I hope they feel like this.

I'm not saying she has more right to be upset - but I think she has more right to have her wishes prioritised. This is a situation where one of the parents isn't going to get what they want. That being the case I think the mum's wishes are more important in this particular case. For her it's probably not only about the break up but the way in which he left has had long term effects for her, her son and what ultimately happened to him. Her son told his friend how devastated he was when his dad left - I think the whole thing is very mixed together and therefore it's better, more tactful and kinder if stepmother doesn't attend.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not saying she has more right to be upset - but I think she has more right to have her wishes prioritised. This is a situation where one of the parents isn't going to get what they want. That being the case I think the mum's wishes are more important in this particular case. For her it's probably not only about the break up but the way in which he left has had long term effects for her, her son and what ultimately happened to him. Her son told his friend how devastated he was when his dad left - I think the whole thing is very mixed together and therefore it's better, more tactful and kinder if stepmother doesn't attend.

No, you do think she has more right to be upset, or you wouldn't think her wishes needed to be prioritised here. Her "wishes" are to take something from somebody else, I do not agree that that should be prioritised.

And as was mentioned upthread, if her son really was devastated by his dad leaving, then the last thing he needed was a mum who was still so bitter about it she couldn't handle it twenty years later, to the extent that it would even be on her mind at her son's funeral. If it's a blame game then she needs to look inwardly rather than assume they are only in this situation because his dad left. The vast majority of children are able to move past that, it's much worse if the mother never takes steps to move on. At a certain point enough is enough.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not saying she has more right to be upset - but I think she has more right to have her wishes prioritised. This is a situation where one of the parents isn't going to get what they want. That being the case I think the mum's wishes are more important in this particular case. For her it's probably not only about the break up but the way in which he left has had long term effects for her, her son and what ultimately happened to him. Her son told his friend how devastated he was when his dad left - I think the whole thing is very mixed together and therefore it's better, more tactful and kinder if stepmother doesn't attend.

As an SM, if I were in this situation my own preference would be not to attend. However, if my DP needed me there I would put my own feelings aside and go, regardless of anyone else's feelings on it.

The main thing for me is that OP should not be having to mediate this, and it's her mother making her feel that she has to, not her dad. It has been 20 years and they are adults, OP's mum should speak to her ex directly if she wants to ask him not to bring his wife, and then he can decide from there.

I think it's hugely unfair that OP is being put in this position and that her mum is adding an extra dimension of stress that just doesn't need to be there. She will have all of her family around her, she does not need to sit with her ex and his wife, or even speak to them. Nobody would blame her for that at all.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss.

You are grieving and so are your parents but it is not your responsibility to play mediator between your parents. They are adults and by the sounds of it have both been responsible for making your life challenging and I would not be surprised if your need to please the family stems from your moms bitterness and your dads affair.

You can not stop them from more hurt or protect them - the worst thing has already happened to them.

Nowhere near the same but we lost my DM very suddenly 3 years ago. My very bitter ex (who left me but hen did a great impression of Ross from friends when I got with someone else 6 months later) insisted on turning up at the hospital when she was taken of life support. He wanted to be there for our son who was 18 at the time. When our son left the hospital, Ex stayed and was there when mom passed, I was too numb really to notice at the time.

He then came to the funeral, never checked if this was ok, just turned up. Didn't speak to me or offer condolences or anything and left after the service.

Thing is the service is so hard to get through that you really don't notice that much, I only realised ex was there because I saw him briefly when we were exiting the crem.

Part of me is glad that he went really, when I think back to the day I can think of the sea of faces that I didn't really see but got comfort that all these people cared for my mom enough to give there time to say goodbye. I could not imagine for 1 second though that I could have got through that day without having those people that I love being there with me including the one person that shares everything with me, my husband.

Your dad needs her.

On a slightly different note (and not trying to cause you distress at this already unbearable time )she isn't you "step mother" she is your step mother and your dads wife. I assume she is around when you go to your dads and take your children? Does she contribute in gifts to the grandchldren that you let them accept? Do you actually dislike her as a person or is this just from your mothers toxicity about the situation? Each dynamic is different and I genuinely can't tell how involved she really is with the family life but if she is there mainly when you are there and she see's your children and they all get on well then surely this pushing her out because of an affair that your dad was clearly complicit in and then chose to stay with her for 20 years is a cycle of punishment and hurt that needs to stop. You are in danger of causing confusion with your children and turning them into people pleasers as well.

Sofa I think it's really nasty to blame a woman for not coping and therefore not handling a situation as you think she ought to. Especially if the dad's behaviour created further issues that the mum had to deal with for years. Or if he just left her to deal with problems while he had his new life.
While both parents have the 'right' to be equally upset, and neither should be putting the OP in the middle, she isn't taking anything away from the dad. She's only asking that a person who contributed to the break up of her family and to whom her son wasn't close, isn't present. Personally I don't think it's a huge ask.

Honestly though, if it was my dad I wouldn't care if he felt he needed his wife, if my mum wasn't okay with her being there.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa I think it's really nasty to blame a woman for not coping and therefore not handling a situation as you think she ought to. Especially if the dad's behaviour created further issues that the mum had to deal with for years. Or if he just left her to deal with problems while he had his new life. While both parents have the 'right' to be equally upset, and neither should be putting the OP in the middle, she isn't taking anything away from the dad. She's only asking that a person who contributed to the break up of her family and to whom her son wasn't close, isn't present. Personally I don't think it's a huge ask.

Honestly though, if it was my dad I wouldn't care if he felt he needed his wife, if my mum wasn't okay with her being there.

But in fairness you are solely looking at this from the mum's point of view and not really considering the dad's at all. All because of the way he ended his marriage. He is still a parent, still heartbroken.

He is also highly likely to not be coping following the loss of his son. I would say that demanding that he attend his child's funeral without the support of his wife is equally nasty, especially given it's clear that his remaining children will be focusing on supporting his ex and considering the way his first marriage ended he's unlikely to be popular with a lot of the funeral attendees.

I think it is unnecessary as there are ways to manage it to cause less friction. For example, I think it would be fine for OP/her mum to say that nothing will be said about stepmother attending as long as they sit separately from the rest of the family. They can sit with dad's side of the family. Or even that they just stay for the ceremony and don't attend any wake, although I assume they would not want to do this anyway.

I just don't think that leaving someone 20 years ago means that they get to tell you that you can't have your wife of all that time by your side on one of the darkest days you'll ever live.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa I think it's really nasty to blame a woman for not coping and therefore not handling a situation as you think she ought to. Especially if the dad's behaviour created further issues that the mum had to deal with for years. Or if he just left her to deal with problems while he had his new life. While both parents have the 'right' to be equally upset, and neither should be putting the OP in the middle, she isn't taking anything away from the dad. She's only asking that a person who contributed to the break up of her family and to whom her son wasn't close, isn't present. Personally I don't think it's a huge ask.

Honestly though, if it was my dad I wouldn't care if he felt he needed his wife, if my mum wasn't okay with her being there.

She is taking something away from her dad, the ability to have his partner of 20 years there at his son's funeral. OP's mum is also taking something away from OP, in having forced them to effectively take sides for 20 years, and by still putting them in the middle now.

You could argue that the dad did that in the first place with his actions @OverTheRubicon - had they simply split up, there would be no 'sides' to take. Sadly the effects of his actions have been very far reaching and he's now reaping what he sowed in the first instance (even if it's 20 years later).

Anyway, hope the Op is ok as it's such a terrible time for her.

I too hope there is a compromise that can be reached. And I do feel very very sorry for the OP that she has to deal with this on top of her grief.

I'm quite wary of the fact that your dad is coming to see you tomorrow to talk this through. Why would he need to talk it through with his grieving daughter rather than directly with his ex?

Added to your earlier comments that you're a people-pleaser and your brother would also have wanted to keep the peace and it seems there are some pretty unhealthy patterns playing out here.

Please decline to talk with your dad about this, let your mum do whatever she needs to do without roping you in to it, and focus on yourself. Today of all days it's not your job to be anybody's rock - they've had 20 years to get the etiquette figured out.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa I think it's really nasty to blame a woman for not coping and therefore not handling a situation as you think she ought to. Especially if the dad's behaviour created further issues that the mum had to deal with for years. Or if he just left her to deal with problems while he had his new life. While both parents have the 'right' to be equally upset, and neither should be putting the OP in the middle, she isn't taking anything away from the dad. She's only asking that a person who contributed to the break up of her family and to whom her son wasn't close, isn't present. Personally I don't think it's a huge ask.

Honestly though, if it was my dad I wouldn't care if he felt he needed his wife, if my mum wasn't okay with her being there.

I don't see it as any nastier than "blaming" the dad, tbh, though I personally wouldn't be laying blame either way. But spending twenty years entrenched in bitterness towards your kids dad, to the point that even now OP is having to worry about this situation, is just as damaging as having an affair and leaving, and I do think there is some personal responsibility to be taken there. I don't think it is a morally positive behaviour to continue enabling.

Maybe she felt bitter because of all the fallout that she had to deal with for years as a result of his choices? I can't help but think that if you deliberately do things which you know will hurt your family, then you don't deserve the same level of consideration as the parent who had to pick up the pieces, however long ago it happened. But I'm going to bow out now because I don't think it's going to help the OP. None of this should be for her to deal with.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Maybe she felt bitter because of all the fallout that she had to deal with for years as a result of his choices? I can't help but think that if you deliberately do things which you know will hurt your family, then you don't deserve the same level of consideration as the parent who had to pick up the pieces, however long ago it happened. But I'm going to bow out now because I don't think it's going to help the OP. None of this should be for her to deal with.

Well we will have to agree to disagree there. It's been a long time, she's clearly been making this her children's issue. The fact that OP shouldn't have to deal with this is exactly why I think her mum needs to let go of this animosity.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously
I agree with your post.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Maybe she felt bitter because of all the fallout that she had to deal with for years as a result of his choices? I can't help but think that if you deliberately do things which you know will hurt your family, then you don't deserve the same level of consideration as the parent who had to pick up the pieces, however long ago it happened. But I'm going to bow out now because I don't think it's going to help the OP. None of this should be for her to deal with.

Yup agreed....

Am really sorry about your brother OP. I'm part of the sudden early death of a sibling club - what can i say? It's shit.

Please, please, look after yourself. I'm sure you're still in deep shock.

There are clearly a lot of homewreckers and OWs on this thread. The victim-blaming of the mother is absolutely disgraceful.

We had similar with a wedding, which was obviously not as bad as not a stressful traumatic situation, but we relented and the bloody woman came dressed in black (to a wedding). 'Stepmothers' like this will only be wanting to ruin things for the old family and the old wife, especially if they don't love the children of the old family.

I lost my brother to suicide, he was only in his 20s. There was a lot of family/friend politics agonised over before his funeral too, but to be honest, on the day, I couldn't tell you who was there. The whole day was just a blur of raw emotion and devastation - I remember the crematorium being packed and people standing round the sides because there wasn't enough seats, but faceless people, I can't remember much of the day.

Unless she makes a point of actually going over to your mum I doubt she'll even notice. There was 3-4 people at my brothers funeral that I was dreading seeing - I know they were there, but I can't remember being aware of their presence at all on the day.

So, I totally understand your mums feelings on this. I wouldn't want her there either; but if she does go there's a good chance your mum will be so absorbed in her own grief that your dads DW will be insignificant.

I'm so very sorry for your loss - I know it's brutal

'Homewrecker' and 'OW' is an odd way to describe someone who has been married for twenty years.

I accept that the end of a marriage - and any associated infidelity - causes pain.

Particularly when a marriage breaks down when children are young - if a woman has been juggling work and childcare - at a point where a man is less exhausted, and has taken more opportunities to socialise - I understand that it may take some time for resentment to be worked through.

@NeonDreams

There are clearly a lot of homewreckers and OWs on this thread. The victim-blaming of the mother is absolutely disgraceful.

😂😂😂😂

I haven’t seen any victim blaming. I have seen people point out that someone should be able to cope with being in the same room as her ex husband and his new wife for one hour twenty years after their divorce!

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be agony for everyone. I mean this in the gentlest possible way but 20 is a long time to be holding on to hurt and pain. Maybe it is time for your mum to let go of the pain and anger she feels. She can live a full and happy life. That is what your brother would want for your mum. Maybe his greatest gift can be the beginning of her healing. X

@JennieLee

'Homewrecker' and 'OW' is an odd way to describe someone who has been married for twenty years.

I accept that the end of a marriage - and any associated infidelity - causes pain.

Particularly when a marriage breaks down when children are young - if a woman has been juggling work and childcare - at a point where a man is less exhausted, and has taken more opportunities to socialise - I understand that it may take some time for resentment to be worked through.

'Homewrecker' and 'OW' is an odd way to describe someone who has been married for twenty years.

Not at all, because that is what they were. Being married for 20 years, 50 years, or 70 years does not change the fact that their happiness is built upon the misery and destruction of another entire family. Time may heal wounds but it still doesn't change the actual truth of how that current marriage came about. You can't re-write the facts. It is what it is and it always will be that.