Page 11 | To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 2021-07-04T17:45:21+00:00

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem. The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them. Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit [sad]

Horst · 05/07/2021 11:56

Surely what matters here is that the brother didn’t like the step mum and merely tolerated her.

To respect the dead she wouldn’t attend.

MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 12:01

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Who does mum have as a 'rock'? OW played a big part in the loss of hers.

Well yeah but so did dad and he's still going

G00d0mens · 05/07/2021 12:08

Interestingly, voting indicates the OP is NBU at all (72%)

Ideally, the stepmum should have the decency to stay away. OPs brother tolerated her at best and resented having to see her with his father.

The father’s need for his “rock” does not trump the mother’s needs to say goodbye to her son without the additional historic pain of their betrayal flung at her. She does not have to suck it up - even after 20 years if she does not wish to. The reality is both parents will have additional family members they can rely upon for support on the day - no need for controversy or extra painful memories.

Another factor might be to consider the wishes of the parent who gave the most care and love to OP and her brother following the nuclear bomb that the father dropped on their family life and in general after that…that parent should get to decide who does and who does not attend.

We don’t always have to agree with what the men want.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/07/2021 12:08

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

I am mums rock. None of us went to dads wedding and don’t recall that we were invited even. I do really appreciate people’s condolences and their views, it’s helpful to read outsider’s opinions.

This puts a slightly diff slant on things

Or if it was 20yrs ago and you were 18 or so did you rebel and not want to go as a sign of support to your mum

I’m torn on this

I believe you should respect the dead persons wishes, but would you regret it

when my dh died, he didn’t like his dad or see him, but like your story, dad had an affair 30yrs ago and married the woman

His mum, sounds like yours, and never got over the affair /split and didn’t want her ex there at funeral

In the end we said no to dad, I met him After dh died, he moaned about the cost of flight to Uk, lived in think in Europe and I rem thinking my dh has died, my world is in bits , but you are moaning at cost yet your so. Died

but now ten years on , I feel in hindsight he should have been allowed there , think at time it was too Raw for me

Obv sm is different to own flesh and blood, but she is there to support your dad, while you support your mum

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 12:37

I think that you should allow your dad to bring his wife. You don't need to speak to her but let him be with her on what will be horrific day for him as well as your mum.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 05/07/2021 12:37

your mother is burying her baby. your dads affair partner can show some respect and not come.

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 12:40

The father’s need for his “rock” does not trump the mother’s needs to say goodbye to her son without the additional historic pain of their betrayal flung at her. She does not have to suck it up - even after 20 years if she does not wish to.

She can still say goodbye to her son. Tbh I would have thought your ex it would be the last thing on your mind at your son's funeral.

They have been together 20 years, they should be able to attend quietly together. He should be able to have his wife with him.

Yabish · 05/07/2021 12:49

@NEVERENDINGST0RY

your mother is burying her baby. your dads affair partner can show some respect and not come.

Also the dads baby. And the ‘affair partner’ happens to be the dads wife of 20 years.

Blossomtoes · 05/07/2021 12:51

@NEVERENDINGST0RY

your mother is burying her baby. your dads affair partner can show some respect and not come.

She’s not his “affair partner”, she’s the wife he’s been married to for 20 years - possibly for longer than he was married to his first wife.

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 12:56

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

Thankyou lovely people, and you’re right bluebird there’s no easy solution. I just don’t want additional bad feeling or people slinging blame and recrimination around, this is horrible enough

But there will either be bad feeling for your mum or your dad in any case.

If you don't intervene, the natural course of action is that your dad brings his wife and your mum just has to accept it. It has been many years and this should be possible.

If you to intervene, you're actually causing the bad feeling to happen.

I appreciate you want to help but they are adults and you shouldn't have to mediate this. Just let them get on with it and decide who comes.

G00d0mens · 05/07/2021 13:08

She can still say goodbye to her son. Tbh I would have thought your ex it would be the last thing on your mind at your son's funeral.

The mum has specifically requested that the stepmum not attend. So she already knows it will be on her mind.

If mum provided the most love, care and support to OP and her brother, then she should have her wishes taken seriously.

I realise I hadn’t sent you condolences OP. I’m very sorry for your loss and difficulties now. Think about what you want as well - your wishes are important too. I hope you can reach an acceptable compromise with everyone involved.

funtimefrank · 05/07/2021 13:10

You poor thing.

I lost my brother unexpectedly and it is a dreadful loss. My parents couldn't get through the funeral without me and their siblings around them and I needed my husband. Where is your support?

I guess what I mean having been there is that if your dads wife can shoulder some of the support he needs, do think about having her there. This is your space to grieve too. It's too easy for siblings to get lost and have to be strong for their parents and whilst understandable and you want to do it, you matter too. Spread the load if you can in any way.

Much love.

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 13:16

@G00d0mens

She can still say goodbye to her son. Tbh I would have thought your ex it would be the last thing on your mind at your son's funeral.

The mum has specifically requested that the stepmum not attend. So she already knows it will be on her mind.

If mum provided the most love, care and support to OP and her brother, then she should have her wishes taken seriously.

I realise I hadn’t sent you condolences OP. I’m very sorry for your loss and difficulties now. Think about what you want as well - your wishes are important too. I hope you can reach an acceptable compromise with everyone involved.

I appreciate it's on mum's mind but it really isn't the most important thing, and I especially don't think OP should still be having to mediate her long-divorced parents as an adult. And even more especially around such a terrible occasion.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 05/07/2021 13:28

People are projecting all over this thread, dads wife has been referred to as a whore, a bunny boiler.

Op you are your mums rock, not your dads. You will not be available to support him, he needs support on this day too.

aSofaNearYou · 05/07/2021 13:30

The father’s need for his “rock” does not trump the mother’s needs to say goodbye to her son without the additional historic pain of their betrayal flung at her. She does not have to suck it up - even after 20 years if she does not wish to. The reality is both parents will have additional family members they can rely upon for support on the day - no need for controversy or extra painful memories.

I would argue that it does, actually, because a parents grief should be of far more significance than an ex wife's about a divorce from 20 years ago. Quite frankly she should have moved on from that by now.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 13:45

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

My brother was (in the words of one of his closest friends recently) “destroyed” when dad left. I had just started at uni so wasn’t at home as much as I wanted to be, so he dealt with a lot of her hurt initially. She definitely wouldn’t blame it all on their separation and the OW/stepmum, he had many demons but I suppose that reason is the most tangible to her. She’s blaming herself more than anyone else though.

I don't think she should be there.

Your father is a piece of work whose actions caused your brother enormous pain.

Your father is responsible for that.

Your mothers feelings trump your fathers 100% in my view.

The OW's views don't count.
She didn't have any real relationship with him and he barely tolerated her.

Tell your father what your brother's friend told you if he wishes to be a selfish dick.

He cheated on your brother 20 years ago and if it destroyed him then, there is every reason to imagine it impacted your brother terribly.

Your poor mother.
You have my heartfelt sympathy and condolences.

Support your mother and let your selfish father suck it up.

He is not the priority here.

Your mother is IMO.

Sssloou · 05/07/2021 13:48

As you are seeing emotions are raw, volatile and escalate in traumatic times.

Rage needs to get discharged and sometimes it is distorted, magnified, amplified directed in the wrong direction often disproportionately into older traumas.

There are no winners in any of this and it’s v cruel for you to be cast as piggy in the middle of two people who need to deal with each other directly.

It seems that your DM was able to talk through funeral arrangements with your Dad civilly - so there is some foundation for them be able to collaborate.

I am really sorry that in top of everything you feel that this mess is for you to manage.

It really isn’t.

Divineswirls · 05/07/2021 13:49

The gracious and dignified behaviour would be for the stepmother to not come if she did not have a proper close relationship with your brother.

If the relationship was close then of course she should go but it doesn't seem like they did.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/07/2021 14:05

@Divineswirls

The gracious and dignified behaviour would be for the stepmother to not come if she did not have a proper close relationship with your brother.

If the relationship was close then of course she should go but it doesn't seem like they did.

I doubt the step mother wants to be there. I’m going to project a little here but I reckon the step mother would rather be anywhere else than at a funeral, especially one where emotions are running high and someone could end up telling her to fuck off. But I also reckon the step mother, a wife of twenty years, might want to support her husband. She might even feel it is her responsibility or obligation to do so. So, she might suck it up and stand by her husband despite not wanting to be there and knowing that only her husband wants her there.

As I said, there is some projecting in there but fuck tonne less than that of other posters.

A lot of people on this thread should clearly be on the Jerry springer show!

Conkergame · 05/07/2021 14:12

OP, so sorry for your loss. And that you are now in this horrible position.

I personally feel that your dad’s exceptionally selfish actions have caused enough pain for your family already and now he needs to put someone else first for once and not bring his wife when he knows how much pain it will cause your poor mum.

If you have a good enough relationship with your dad’s wife then I would have a quiet word with her and ask her not to come for the sake of the funeral going as well as possible. If you don’t then I’d ask your dad to ask her to just wait outside for him.

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 14:15

I doubt the step mother wants to be there. I’m going to project a little here but I reckon the step mother would rather be anywhere else than at a funeral, especially one where emotions are running high and someone could end up telling her to fuck off. But I also reckon the step mother, a wife of twenty years, might want to support her husband. She might even feel it is her responsibility or obligation to do so. So, she might suck it up and stand by her husband despite not wanting to be there and knowing that only her husband wants her there.

I agree.

Also it doesn't seem to matter what the stepmum's relationship was with OP's brother, the issue is that her mum doesn't want her there because of a break-up that happened 20 years ago.

Blossomtoes · 05/07/2021 14:16

I agree too @DifficultBloodyWoman.

Summersnake · 05/07/2021 14:48

Your dad needs to show some respect to the woman who birthed his son.
This is not a day for the other woman to be involved.
I’d be having very strong words with your dad op

PrincessNutella · 05/07/2021 14:49

Your father has the same rights as your mother.
This happened 20 years ago. And the sad truth for your mother is, he was not a serial adulterer, he was more in love/suited for the second woman than he was for your mother. For some reason, they just seemed to be a better fit for him. Your mother has had 20 years to come to terms with that. Your father has every right to bring his wifenot his secret mistress, his WIFE, who is his familyto the funeral. A funeral is a ceremony of reconciling people to the bitter reality of loss. Let the healing begin.

Overitallnow · 05/07/2021 14:59

This is exactly the same situation as in my family. And I can 100% guarantee that my "Stepmother" would NOT be attending my brother's funeral. And if my father insisted, he would not be attending either. It's going to be an awful enough day for you and your mother without this added drama.