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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 19:34

No, you aren't.

Your brother needs to grow up and get some respect. I simply wouldn't go.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:37

Tbh, that's where I am but I think he'll accuse me of putting my bf before my family if I don't 😕

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Bksjshsbbev2737 · 03/07/2021 19:37

I think he’s over reacting massively; I get that it hurt him when you and your ex split but it’s not about him. I’ve been upset before when DHs friends have split with girlfriends that I’ve been close with but I’d never then refuse to meet new girlfriends although I’m perhaps a bit more cautious about developing friendships when the girlfriends change a lot

CanofCant · 03/07/2021 19:39

YANBU. Your brother sounds pretty selfish.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Was he at all bothered about the feelings of you and your children?

Anyway, sod him. Go out with your boyfriend instead.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:39

I understand that. But I'm not suggesting our lives become intertwined. We only meet up 3 or 4 times a year max due to very different lifestyles and little opportunity. It's literally one evening.

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Bluntness100 · 03/07/2021 19:39

God how controlling. Don’t go if he says no. His behaviour is not ok op.

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 19:39

@PurpleSlate

Tbh, that's where I am but I think he'll accuse me of putting my bf before my family if I don't 😕
Putting yourself before his childish demands perhaps.

If he loved your ex so much maybe he should have married him. Not use it as a perpetual stick to beat you with.

Please don't comply with unreasonable demands.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:40

@CanofCant

YANBU. Your brother sounds pretty selfish.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Was he at all bothered about the feelings of you and your children?

Anyway, sod him. Go out with your boyfriend instead.

It took him 3 years to ask if I was OK or to show any interest in the children and me.

I did say at the time that it had been the first time he'd asked and he apologised and became quite tearful.

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 03/07/2021 19:41

Your brother sounds totally ridiculous

PurpleWaterBlue · 03/07/2021 19:41

What the actual fuck, mate.

Your brother is seroiusly bloody weird.

You have to stand up against this shit.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:42

I'm hoping he'll say yes but I resent even having to wait 24 hours for the verdict tbh.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 03/07/2021 19:43

He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle

Jesus, OP - are you sure you'd want your BF to meet him? He sounds completely unhinged!

headintheproverbial · 03/07/2021 19:43

Do you get to judge whether his wife is allowed to come round when he visits you? Of course not.

He's being a bizarre twat. Is your SIL more reasonable? Could she give him a shake for you?

CanofCant · 03/07/2021 19:45

Tell him thanks but no thanks. Who does he think he is?! I feel really annoyed on your behalf, I think you have done well to get this far without telling him to go fuck himself!

He sounds like he is only sensitive about his own feelings so folllow his lead and put yourself first.

YoComoManzanas · 03/07/2021 19:46

@PurpleSlate

Tbh, that's where I am but I think he'll accuse me of putting my bf before my family if I don't 😕
Where is his familial loyalty eh? This is all very wierd and a bit controlling of your brother. There's no reason why your brother couldn't have maintained a friendship with your ex. Not sure what to advise because you seem keen to appease him when it's him who is behaving very selfishly. I personally would not bother with him if he is gonna make a song and dance about it.
PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:46

She doesn't often stand up to him i dont think. I doubt she'd have a problem with it but I'm not really close to her. We get on well but never speak outside of family meet ups.

She 'manages' him well though so maybe she'll talk him round.

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:47

I'm just very conscious that, if he agrees, this will be my one amd only chance amd if this man and I break up.at any point, I will never he able to introduce anyone else ever.

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 03/07/2021 19:48

I'd be tempted to tell him not to bother deciding whether your bf can go or not and just not go!
Sounds like there is resentment from your brother for getting a divorce even though your exdh had an affair. Does he think You should have stayed with him?

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 03/07/2021 19:49

Ah, OP.

How did your divorce become your brother's heartbreak to nurse?

Does your brother control other aspects of your life? I'd get back to your brother now, to be honest, and say you won't be coming on Saturday and you'll let him know when it may be a good time to meet someone important to you and your family.

Tulips15 · 03/07/2021 19:49

Yanbu.
Your brother has some serious issues, he sounds a bit of an immature twat tbh🤣

I wouldn't be going and I wouldn't really bother with my brother if he was to behave this way....10yeare on!

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:50

No. He was definitely angry with my ex and not me amd thought he behaved appalingly at the time. He thinks he's a dick still now and had no interest in keeping in touch.

I have no other family. Both parents were only children and now dead.

OP posts:
Hockeyboysmum · 03/07/2021 19:51

Brother is behaving like a child. He can be civil polite and friendly with your partner without having to be lifelong best friends. And im sure his daughter can be the same without thinking its her new uncle!

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 19:51

Your brother is behaving very weirdly about all this. It was your divorce, you are the one that had to go through all the hurt. You think he'd be happy you'd found someone.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:51

I thinknill just end up looking childish if I reject the invite now though 🙄

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:51

After all, he's said he'll make a decision in the next 24 hours...

OP posts: