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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:19

@CrotchetyQuaver

YANBU. If your brother graciously permits your new boyfriend to tag along, then you do realise he's likely to be horrible to him all night don't you? I'd message him and tell him you won't be going and then leave him hanging...
Oh, he wouldn't he horrible at all. H I'd imagine he would he charm personified. But then, it's never been tested so I wouldn't know!

But I knew he'd be unlikely to say yes when I asked him.

I'm anticipating him presenting it as a 'safeguarding' issue and saying he doesn't want someone he's never met before in his house. But he's rejected/ignored my previous suggestions to meet up in the pub too.

If he says yes after today, I'll say its too late and we've made other plans now. Because we will have.

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PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:22

Tbh, I have no idea how 'serious' it is. But it's been 18 months which is the longest I've dated anyone ever without marrying them!

I wouldn't want to make a big deal out of it either because, if we do split up, I'll have to listen to the supercilious, "And this is why we didn't want him coming round to the house..." nonsense.

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sonjadog · 04/07/2021 18:26

Even if he doesn't end up a long term partner, it really isn't that traumatic to meet a new person for a couple of hours one afternoon!

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:32

You'd think, wouldn't you?

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PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:34

When bf and I started seeing each other and meeting friends, I told him that meeting my brother was out of the question for this reason. I don't think he really believed me...

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QueeniesCroft · 04/07/2021 18:45

I've been married for 27 years, and my husband still hasn't met my (half) brother. My brother is an attention-seeking drama llama, and it sounds like yours might be too.

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:50

Wow. 27 years? Looks like I won't be seeing much of my brother then...

Stupid thing is that, when his daughter comes to stay over the summer, she'll see him again then! He might be able to dictate what happens in his house/when he's there but he can't when he's not.

Last year, I contemplated not seeing him for the week my niece stayed until i got a grip!

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PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 19:13

He was perfectly friendly and chatty with him during the accidental video chat so I really can't see what the problem is. It does seem that it's more about control than anything else.

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Bridezillamaybe · 04/07/2021 19:35

I met my DP a couple of years after he broke up from his wife. It was she who instigated the split and she moved on with a new partner. They have three children, teenagers who we had about 40% of the time.

DP's family live in another country, the flight is one hour away. We were living together when his sister suggested a holiday over to hers. I was in the same room and as she speaks very loudly could hear the misunderstood conversation between them, when she said 'you must all' she didn't mean me, she meant he and his children. He assumed me too given they had chatted about us moving in together. She asked him if he trusted me around children. He laughed and said obviously. When she realised he wanted me to join on the trip she said very dramatically that would have to be discussed with her husband. My DP thought this was strange. I did too but shrugged, her house, whatever.

She granted permission but shortly after we arrived she invited me for a private walk. On the walk she told me her husband doesn't approve of my DP's ex wife because of how she behaves during the breakup and she is not allowed visit. I had no interest in this. She then went on to say she was quite shocked my dp (her brother) had assumed he could invite me to the house but her husband had ok'd it so not to worry. I said about two words for this entire exchange.

Unsurprisingly she is a totally drama llama and I have as little to do with her as possible. I just nod and excuse myself when the inevitable mountain out of molehill begins. Her husband I am nearly positive has absolutely no input into any of this.

There's every chance your boyfriend will give your brother a similar wide berth if it's going to be this complicated.

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 19:54

Just bizarre.

Tbh, as I've said, we don't spending time together as it is. I just don't like this default position he's assumed where his is the one who gets to make the final decision.

I wouldn't even be able to suggest a day out or something in the summer because he'll know I'd take him along and he just wouldn't commit. Makes me feel like a second class citizen in my own family so, no, I won't be meeting up with him and leaving bf behind. I just won't see him.

I've already invited them to come and see me perform in something over the summer and despite being very keen initially, is now dragging his heels about committing to that since I said bf would be going. I'd forgotten about that.

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PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 19:55

Bridezillamaybe

It's just ridiculous, isn't it?

Still no word from him...

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notacooldad · 04/07/2021 20:05

I just don't like this default position he's assumed where his is the one who gets to make the final decision.
I would take that power away and tell him you are not going rather than appearing to meekly await his decision.
Up to you of course but I wouldn't be anyones mug, especially my brothers.

Lollypop701 · 04/07/2021 20:09

I agree with @notacooldad … message him and tell him that you’ve made plans, as he didn’t respond

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 20:18

I'm not going to mention it again. If he gets back to me now with a yes, I'll say its too late and we've made other plans. I think it's unlikely he'll say no unless I press him. He'll just not mention it again. If I bring it up to say I'm not going he is likely to say that's a shame because they were really looking forward to meeting him and then it will be my fault not his. He's not stupid.

I doubt he has any real reason not to meet him anymore beyond having previously said he wouldn't and he doesn't want to lose face by backing down. In reality.

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PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 20:56

Actually, I wonder if this isn't a conscious thought but is related to the relationship we had with our mother?

She dated extensively after she and our dad divorced and expected my brother (who was younger than me and still at home) to accept each one as her new partner - any man slipping effotlesslessly into the man shaped space next to her. No opportunity to get to know them; no time to build a relationship; no voice if he said or did something my brother wasn't happy with and no opportunity to spend time with his mum alone. Mum and new man came as package- mum and X - from day one.

It was the same with me but I'd left home by then so I ws less affected by it.

I wonder if it's an instinctive hostility to being in that position again?

Doesn't excuse, after all that was a very long time ago, it but might explain it.

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nonevernotever · 04/07/2021 22:27

I know it's not polite, but your latest post just makes me want to say "well duuuh". That really does sound as though it could be at the bottom of it, even if he doesn't recognise it himself. I'd still decline this time though, whatever he decides

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 22:38

"Well duuuh" is probably quite appropriate though.

I've not heard from him and 'tomorrow' is now over. So I won't be going. He needs to grow up and get over himself. It's ridiculous.

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HeechulOppa · 04/07/2021 22:51

Gotta say, I think your background into your mum’s dating is 100% EXACTLY why he had this issue, almost to the point that I would even say His reaction to his relationship and ‘break up’ with your husband is a result of this.

Well done for being assertive!

PurpleSlate · 08/07/2021 08:44

So I didn't hear back from my brother either way. I've had no contact with him at all although he's continued to message my children in the family group chat to arrange picking them up from the train station.

It's his daughter's birthday in a couple of weeks and my daughter's birthday a few days after that. We usually get together for the girls' birthdays.

Tbh, I dont feel any inclination to see him given he didn't even have the courtesy to reply and the fact that he's not my dad and doesn't actually get to put these kind of limitations or rules onto me.

I'm considering assuming we won't meet up and sending his daughter's present with my children at the weekend.

When we meet for their birthdays, we usually go for brunch somewhere near my house at the weekend and then they come back to mine for a bit.

I feel that, currently, my choices are - to not go or to go and just take my bf given we spend weekends together, it's in a public place and then back to mine.

Or would that just be antagonistic?

I don't want to be seen to be 'making a point' around their birthdays but I'm not tolerating this situation any more.

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Terhou · 08/07/2021 09:18

I've already invited them to come and see me perform in something over the summer and despite being very keen initially, is now dragging his heels about committing to that since I said bf would be going. I'd forgotten about that.

He won't even be in an auditorium which contains your boyfriend? How utterly ridiculous.

I'd agree with not seeing him for your daughters' birthdays. He needs to know that his stance has consequences.

Taliskerskye · 08/07/2021 09:24

Personally I would go round tonight and have it out with him. He’s your brother. I couldn’t let something like this fester.
If it meant we fell out then so be it

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 08/07/2021 09:33

Personally re the birthday I would be checking with your niece not him . You are a package , none or both of you, it should be that option only. Would you seriously leave him in the house whilst you go off? Can’t recall how old the niece is . Is that feasible?

ikeepseeingit · 08/07/2021 09:38

@Taliskerskye

Personally I would go round tonight and have it out with him. He’s your brother. I couldn’t let something like this fester. If it meant we fell out then so be it
Agreed, it’s him causing the problem not you OP! You can be civil in the way you word it but it’s insane that he thinks he can make everyone’s else’s family time a misery because you divorced someone who cheated on you years ago. He needs to understand it’s not about him. It has nothing to do with him.

He’s been incredibly rude and unkind. He’s assuming that you’re so conflict avoidant that you won’t stand up for yourself, and using that to his advantage.

PurpleSlate · 08/07/2021 09:38

We had it out a few years ago. The fact he's still holding fast on it now means that he won't have changed his mind and he certainly won't back down. That's his boundary as he sees it and therapy (we've both had it for our childhood experiences) has taught him that he has the right to assert his boundaries...

He won't even be in an auditorium which contains your boyfriend? How utterly ridiculous.

It's worse that that, its a festival. He won't be in a crowded open field where he can avoid him completely because it means he'll inevitably be introduced at some point.

But it is ridiculous. His daughter has met him (and will do again when she visits this summer); he has spoken to him briefly on video chat where it was all very amicable and he once dropped me round to bf's house on his way back home for me to stop over. Its not that he objects to me having a bf, just that he will never meet him.

I thought that, after 18 months and the above, he might have mellowed a bit but no.

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PurpleSlate · 08/07/2021 09:43

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Personally re the birthday I would be checking with your niece not him . You are a package , none or both of you, it should be that option only. Would you seriously leave him in the house whilst you go off? Can’t recall how old the niece is . Is that feasible?
She'll be 9. So not appropriate to ask her.

He and i dont live together and it's not on the cards. I have a teenage daughter at home. But, yes, I'd be sending him back home or cancelling my regular plans with him to accommodate my brother.

He’s assuming that you’re so conflict avoidant that you won’t stand up for yourself, and using that to his advantage

I think you're right. He is fine most of the time but he can be very loud and verbally aggressive if challenged so people generally don't.

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