Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 21:14

He is my only living blood relative

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 09/07/2021 21:33

Just because he’s your only blood relative doesn’t mean you have to put up being subtly abused by him
Where are your boundaries

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 21:55

I know. I only maintain occasional contact nowadays for all the children's sakes.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 10/07/2021 14:23

@PurpleSlate

I know. I only maintain occasional contact nowadays for all the children's sakes.
For your children's sake? What good is it doing them to expose them to this man's behaviour? You can convince yourself that when he's "nice" that he is a great uncle, and wonderful husband and father but how often do you want to expose kids to when he's not nice, when he berates you personally, professionally, when he judges your mental health, when he judges you as a parent. Do you really think he's not dripping poison into your DC ears when alone with them, do you think he makes no comments that you would rather be with your "latest" boyfriend than be with family. I feel you really need to think about how much you will tolerate and how much you expose your DC to this man's behaviour in order to maintain blood ties.
RealBecca · 10/07/2021 14:56

Dear brother, kids arent coming. End of. Controlling bastard wouldnt be dictating tp me or choosing how he sees my kids.

Singlebutmarried · 10/07/2021 15:24

Is there just the one Niece?

If she’s only 9 and you divorced 10 years ago then she’s never had an uncle to lose surely? So that blows that argument right out of the water.

He sounds like an uncle of mine who was great to a few of us cousins and an absolute cunt behind closed doors. The cunt behaviour started to seep into public and there was a massive fight at a family gathering. Sadly he’s still around and it all got glossed over.

I don’t see him or my aunt (sadly) anymore and am LC with my cousins, mostly due to how his behaviour has affected them in the long term.

Be there for your niece in the future but I wouldn’t subject my kids to his ‘boundaries’

PurpleSlate · 10/07/2021 15:33

@Singlebutmarried

Is there just the one Niece?

If she’s only 9 and you divorced 10 years ago then she’s never had an uncle to lose surely? So that blows that argument right out of the water.

He sounds like an uncle of mine who was great to a few of us cousins and an absolute cunt behind closed doors. The cunt behaviour started to seep into public and there was a massive fight at a family gathering. Sadly he’s still around and it all got glossed over.

I don’t see him or my aunt (sadly) anymore and am LC with my cousins, mostly due to how his behaviour has affected them in the long term.

Be there for your niece in the future but I wouldn’t subject my kids to his ‘boundaries’

It'll be 10 years at the end of this year. She was a few months old when we split up. But you're right, there was no relationship there. It was the potential for the future relationship my brother lamented losing.

When my niece has been to stay for the week and my daughter had midweek evening contact with her dad for a couple of hours, my niece has gone too so she knows him as my daughter's dad but that's all.

She is an only child and doesn't have any other relatives in this country. My brother is very heavily focused on family and being close so he is actually great with my children.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 20:32

You do know you are his family,
Or is it only family he can control

PurpleSlate · 11/07/2021 09:42

Update - my brother finally replied yesterday afternoon.

He said it was too late for us to visit last night but has said he'll come to the festival I'm performing in and will meet him then.

OP posts:
giletrouge · 11/07/2021 18:08

Well that's interesting OP. Do you think he's softening his stance? When's the festival?

PurpleSlate · 11/07/2021 18:27

Tbh, i wondered if his wife was on here and had read the thread!

No idea otherwise. Guess he must be softening...

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread