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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ohthatbloodycat · 03/07/2021 20:29

Gosh, talk about making it all about him!!
YANBU Thanks

2021DNA · 03/07/2021 20:33

Your brother sounds like a freak!

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:35

@Terhou

I don't understand his thinking. Is he assuming that, because your ex turned out to be a dickhead, your new boyfriend must be also? If he's this precious about the possibility of relationships breaking down, how did he bring himself to get married?
No I don't understand it either.

It would be a few hours, a couple of cups of tea and a chat. Literally nothing more than that. He knows my children spend time with him and like him.

If it was the third man I was suggesting he meet in as many years I could understand it but it's the first time in 10.

He hasn't said no yet of course but it's the fact he won't let me know until tomorrow.

OP posts:
FlorrieLindley · 03/07/2021 20:36

Your brother is being totally, utterly, 100% unreasonable and a bit of a drama queen into the bargain.
Never heard the like of such nonsense from a grown man (and I'm old!)

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2021 20:38

Why are you pandering to him?

I don’t get why an accident of birth means you allow people to treat you so poorly.

Brindisi32 · 03/07/2021 20:38

YANBU, your brother is being unreasonable. Your divorce happened years ago and you haven't pushed him into meeting new partners on a regular basis. He's being too controlling about all of this. If he makes the meet up too difficult, politely decline and see your bf instead.

FatCatThinCat · 03/07/2021 20:43

Your brother is a dramallama and needs to get over the idea that he's somehow the hurt party in your divorce. Honestly I wouldn't be pandering to this level of fuckwittery.

HalzTangz · 03/07/2021 20:47

Your brother is acting as though it was his relationship that broke down.

I'm almost thinking perhaps your brother was actually in love with your ex and not just mates. (Could he be in the closet at all?)
He seems to have took the affair as apers a thing against him rather than it happening to you, and was so self absorbed in his feelings it took 3 years to ask about your feelings.

I don't think this as cut and dried as 'his daughter losing an uncle', I just think that's a excuse he using

Brefugee · 03/07/2021 20:48

I'd sack off my brother, tbh, until he can act like a grown up

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:50

It's nothing like that. He took our parents' divorce very hard and believes verruca in the 'sanctity of marriage'. He is utterly devoted to his wife and daughter.

It sometimes feels like he thinks I had my chance and I blew it (by choosing badly).

OP posts:
NoYOUbekind · 03/07/2021 20:50

Fuck me OP, I have a complicated family situation going on at the moment but this has really cheered me up! Your brother is weird.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:50

Very much. No idea where my phone got verruca from! Grin

OP posts:
AdaFuckingShelby · 03/07/2021 20:51

Your brother is being a complete arsehole. Is he always this self-absorbed?

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:51

@NoYOUbekind

Fuck me OP, I have a complicated family situation going on at the moment but this has really cheered me up! Your brother is weird.
Grin

Hope your weird family situation is soon resolved.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2021 20:52

Then he’s just an arsehole 🤷🏾‍♀️

The fact his wife has to ‘manage’ his behaviour says it all.

Shelddd · 03/07/2021 20:55

I have a couple family members who are always bringing over new partners. It's pretty annoying if I'm being honest but I wouldn't dare say that to them, it's just not my place. I am friendly to them all of course. I don't think that's your case though as obviously this is first one since your ex.. you waited till you were together 18 months... A lot of people are getting married at 18 months together it's a lot of time.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 21:01

@Shelddd

I have a couple family members who are always bringing over new partners. It's pretty annoying if I'm being honest but I wouldn't dare say that to them, it's just not my place. I am friendly to them all of course. I don't think that's your case though as obviously this is first one since your ex.. you waited till you were together 18 months... A lot of people are getting married at 18 months together it's a lot of time.
I get that and it's exactly why I wouldn't have taken anyone around sooner. Obviously there's no guarantees after 18 months but it's not like taking a new bf to every family event or when I've only known him for a few weeks.
OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2021 21:02

"My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening."

That is such a normal thing to happen. Your brother, on the other hand ...

You say it's just you and him, your parents are gone. Does he feel he's the Head Of The Family now since your Dad passed? That He somehow owns you as 'merely a female' and has some sort of say in how you live your life? That you must pay tribute to Him by providing Him with a male companion, and that since you failed Him once, he is rejecting any Candidate you now put forward?

"It took him 3 years [after the split from my husband] to ask if I was OK or to show any interest in the children and me.

I did say at the time that it had been the first time he'd asked and he apologised and became quite tearful."

Again, this shows that he is totally self-centred. As far as he was concerned, it was all about him losing his BBF, not about his sister losing her husband or his DNs having (inevitably) reduced contact with their father. No, it couldn't have affected his DSis/DNs, so why ask? So, so self-centred.

Your brother is deeply, deeply weird and a selfish fucker. I really think you should point it out to him so that he can address it in himself.

MadMadMadamMim · 03/07/2021 21:08

Your brother is peculiar.

But I think you know that. Normal adults don't behave like this.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 21:09

Yes. He can be peculiar at times. Very black and white!

OP posts:
giletrouge · 03/07/2021 21:13

Fundamentally, OP, do you think this is him being overprotective of you or is it purely about his own loss?
It is weird.

Terhou · 03/07/2021 21:19

He hasn't said no yet of course but it's the fact he won't let me know until tomorrow.

I couldn't be doing with that. He's had 18 months to get used to the fact that your boyfriend is around. Why does meeting him need all this portentous thought? I'd have been tempted to say "You know what, if you can't welcome my boyfriend, forget it, both of us have something better to do".

he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle.

How does he feel about pushing you out so that she loses an aunt?

paniniswapx3 · 03/07/2021 21:24

You're brother sounds very controlling and weird Op. Strange!

Royalbloo · 03/07/2021 21:25

Nah. This is nonsense. He sounds like a judgey, superior fucker and I'd not bother if I were you.

Brefugee · 03/07/2021 21:28

he believes in the sanctity of marriage? Did he want you to stay with your cheating ex? He's irrational here - you were the wronged one and yet he's behaving like this.

PP made a good point in that it's not losing another uncle for his DC he should be worrying about but losing their aunt. You should tell him that, perhaps?