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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 03/07/2021 21:35

I would say "I realise my divorce was difficult for you, it was for me and the children too, and yes there is a risk I will be hurt again bit what is the alternative never try a relationship just in case? To protect yourself I am not asking for you to be close friends with new boyfriend but I do want to be able to bring him to family meet ups without any awkwardness."

I am hoping the divorce being difficult for him and protecting himself would highlight how ridiculous he is being, but probably not.

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 21:36

Sanctimoniousness of marriage perhaps

paniniswapx3 · 03/07/2021 21:38

@Sally872

I would say "I realise my divorce was difficult for you, it was for me and the children too, and yes there is a risk I will be hurt again bit what is the alternative never try a relationship just in case? To protect yourself I am not asking for you to be close friends with new boyfriend but I do want to be able to bring him to family meet ups without any awkwardness."

I am hoping the divorce being difficult for him and protecting himself would highlight how ridiculous he is being, but probably not.

This is perfect!
Bridezillamaybe · 03/07/2021 21:47

I'm sorry OP, I know your brother is your only family member and you are keen to maintain a strong relationship but be sounds utterly ridiculous. He made your divorce all about him. How immature can a person be?

Anyway, you are right that there is no point pre-empting what decision he makes and you don't have to accept even if he does invite you both.

I do hope they meet at some stage and he behaves a little more normallly. You don't need all this pressure!

Taliskerskye · 03/07/2021 21:54

Stop seeing your brother. He sounds toxic

Looubylou · 03/07/2021 21:56

Goodness, your brother is seriously weird. I couldn't put up with this. What if you get married? Will he refuse to attend? Will there never again be family meet ups? He was a tad too invested in your ex - he's acting like a jilted lover.

CupOfTPlease · 03/07/2021 21:59

Did your ex have the affair with your brother by any chance? Light hearted but he needs to grow up.

Superdoopersoup · 03/07/2021 22:32

@HalzTangz

Your brother is acting as though it was his relationship that broke down.

I'm almost thinking perhaps your brother was actually in love with your ex and not just mates. (Could he be in the closet at all?)
He seems to have took the affair as apers a thing against him rather than it happening to you, and was so self absorbed in his feelings it took 3 years to ask about your feelings.

I don't think this as cut and dried as 'his daughter losing an uncle', I just think that's a excuse he using

This what I think as well.

Your brother's reaction is that of someone that has been cheated on. That as a result of breaking up with you, your ex in effect broke up a relationship, platonic or otherwise, with your brother.

Unfortunately, your brother didn't think that he could still have some kind of friendship with him without being disloyal to you.

Given that your brother isn't constantly around in your life, his reaction to the thought of briefly meeting current or previous boyfriends is, others have said, very bizarre.

Just tell your brother to cancel the meetup and arrange it for another time. Don't wait for him to give or not give permission to bring your boyfriend around. You are not a child, so don't let him treat you like one. Instead go and enjoy yourself with your boyfriend.

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 00:32

My exh and I were in the same year at school. My brother was three years younger and I think he looked up.to him.a bit. When I moved away to university, their friendship was very important to my brother. We didn't have an easy childhood.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2021 15:00

Has your brother made his mind up yet, OP?

Dontbeme · 04/07/2021 15:29

I would think in the circumstances that your brother would be eager to meet your new fella to check out he was a good egg and was treating you right. From his reaction, and the fact that you mentioned that his wife knew how to handle him, I would be thinking just how much contact I would have with DB going forward. I would also be questioning just how much he knew about your ex-husbands infidelity if they were doing weekends away together, something is off with his reaction and is very bizarre. His reaction is now normal at all.

honeylulu · 04/07/2021 15:40

Was/ is your brother the golden child in the family by any chance? And everyone tends to dance around trying not to "upset" him? If so I recognise this dynamic.

My mum and sister have seemingly been more upset about things that happened to me (for their own sake) than they thought I was entitled to be.

This included:
Me dumping my uni boyfriend who they'd decided I was going to marry and ruined the wedding plans they'd apparently been discussing.

Me being made redundant (about 6 weeks after I'd got my first mortgage!) from a company I'd got my sister a few weeks freelance work with. It is relevant that she'd completed the work and been paid in full several months before my redundancy. All my mum banged on about awful it would have been if she'd ended up not getting paid.

It raining torrentially on the morning of my wedding and ruining our (sister was bridesmaid) newly done hair. Sister wailed and cried. Mum still talks about how awful it was that she was so upset that day when she "only wanted to look nice". I was the bride and mine looked shit as well!

Me daring to have a baby girl. Sister has two sons and was so jealous she cut me off. Parents defended her "because she sensitive" and won't put any photos of my daughter up at their house in case it upsets her.

Now VLC.

Sorry for the hijack. Aaaahhh ... I feel better now!

saraclara · 04/07/2021 15:45

How did your divorce become your brother's heartbreak to nurse?

Exactly. He seems to have made your break up all about himself.

Does he see himself as some kind of parent figure to you? Is he over protective?

PopcornMuncher · 04/07/2021 15:55

This reply has been deleted

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notacooldad · 04/07/2021 15:57

After being told he needed 24 hrs to think about it I would have told him to forget the whole thing and say I was no longer interested.
I would then be stepping back from your brother significantly.

itsaccrualworld · 04/07/2021 15:58

I understand why your brother is cautious about making friends with a new boyfriend of yours, given how close he was to the last serious fella and how he lost that relationship when you broke up.

However, your ex had an affair. It's not exactly your fault that your relationship ended and consequently so did the bromance between your ex and your brother. His anger and caution is misplaced.

Plus, this visit is so the kids can go round. It's not so your new man and your brother can go on a date. He just has to be civil, he doesn't have to bond.

SmugglersHaunt · 04/07/2021 16:11

Good grief - talk about making it all about him! He’s basically putting conditions on you having a relationship with your only remaining family member - either be single, or pretend to be single in his presence.

Can your kids go on their own?

1forAll74 · 04/07/2021 16:12

Your Brother is really odd, childish, and immature, for a man of this kind of age. and needs 24 hours to discuss this issue with his partner, good heavens, what a laugh. It would be awkward, even if you decided to visit.

notacooldad · 04/07/2021 16:29

I'm imaging my brother telling me he needs 24hrs to think about something like this.

I would ask him if he is having a laugh and if not to go screw himself. How bloody dare he!!!

Maybe you should have said that and stop being your brother's doormat.

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/07/2021 17:42

He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle

Just came to reiterate literally everyone else’s remarks.

SO FUCKING WEIRD.

Why is he making it all about him?
Why does he think he has some sort of control or power over you?
Is there something cultural at play here?
Or is he just a fucking lunatic overly invested in his sister’s love life? 😂

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:09

@honeylulu

Was/ is your brother the golden child in the family by any chance? And everyone tends to dance around trying not to "upset" him? If so I recognise this dynamic.

My mum and sister have seemingly been more upset about things that happened to me (for their own sake) than they thought I was entitled to be.

This included:
Me dumping my uni boyfriend who they'd decided I was going to marry and ruined the wedding plans they'd apparently been discussing.

Me being made redundant (about 6 weeks after I'd got my first mortgage!) from a company I'd got my sister a few weeks freelance work with. It is relevant that she'd completed the work and been paid in full several months before my redundancy. All my mum banged on about awful it would have been if she'd ended up not getting paid.

It raining torrentially on the morning of my wedding and ruining our (sister was bridesmaid) newly done hair. Sister wailed and cried. Mum still talks about how awful it was that she was so upset that day when she "only wanted to look nice". I was the bride and mine looked shit as well!

Me daring to have a baby girl. Sister has two sons and was so jealous she cut me off. Parents defended her "because she sensitive" and won't put any photos of my daughter up at their house in case it upsets her.

Now VLC.

Sorry for the hijack. Aaaahhh ... I feel better now!

Grin no apology needed. Its very cathartic to have a rant!

Yes, he was the golden child.

He got a 2:2 in his degree. I got a first. Our mum said I was bound to do better than him because he worked during his degree and I didn't. He lived in halls and did one 4hour shift a week at the SU Bar. I commuted daily to another city by public transport with a toddler in tow... tbf, he recognised this and was very proud of me.

Plus a million other examples!

To answer other questions, no, I haven't heard anything so, as far as I'm concerned, that's a "no" and I'm not going.

He has replied to my daughter in the family group chat so he's not not had chance to reply yet.

My children are making their own way there together anyway so bf and I would have been travelling separately. So they are still going.

He just has to be civil, he doesn't have to bond.

Yeah, I know.

And yes, he does have a tendency to make everything about him.

We didn't see him for a year about 6 years ago because he behaved awfully during a family meal out and my children were really upset. It was utterly humiliating as we'd eaten out somewhere I visit a lot and knew the staff. The children told my ex husband (who told me) that they didn't like the "two arguments" that we always had when we met up.

There weren't any arguments. He would begin every meet up with a lengthy rant about how disadvantaged he was and how the government and his parents had screwed him over, then we'd have a nice time and then, at the end of the nice time, whilst reflecting upon the nice time, he would return to the earlier rant. It was always the same and his wife and I said very little.

He doesn't do that anymore though.

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:11

No, nothing cultural. He's just a perfect example of white male entitlement I think Wink

Aside from this, we do get on well but his need to be in charge and to impose these rules gets very wearing.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 04/07/2021 18:13

YANBU.

If your brother graciously permits your new boyfriend to tag along, then you do realise he's likely to be horrible to him all night don't you?

I'd message him and tell him you won't be going and then leave him hanging...

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 18:16

Tbf, when my son was little, we saw him a lot. But when my daughter was born, we severely cut contact. Like I say we meet up before Christmas, over the summer and sometime around Easter now. Very rarely more often than this. His daughter comes to stay with us for a week in the summer. We rarely speak in between. Occasional messages in the family WhatsApp group but that's it.

It's a real shame tbh.

OP posts:
Datsandcogs · 04/07/2021 18:19

It would be a no from me. If the boyfriend is serious then prioritise him over your controlling and unreasonable brother.