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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 03/07/2021 19:52

I would actually see your brother much much less. The kids too.

He seems controlling, misogynistic and quite revolting.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 03/07/2021 19:52

Hang on.... your ex was unfaithful, yet YOU are the person awaiting the seal of approval about your partner? Jesus Christ. Your brother urgently need some home truths.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:52

@Hockeyboysmum

Brother is behaving like a child. He can be civil polite and friendly with your partner without having to be lifelong best friends. And im sure his daughter can be the same without thinking its her new uncle!
Yeah, she's already managed that!
OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 03/07/2021 19:52

@PurpleSlate

I'm just very conscious that, if he agrees, this will be my one amd only chance amd if this man and I break up.at any point, I will never he able to introduce anyone else ever.

That's WAY TOO MUCH pressure to be normal, OP.

Families should be there for the ups and downs. You shouldn't have to be on your best behaviour in your own relationship in case you upset your ADULT brother 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/07/2021 19:53

Your brother is being a dickhead.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:53

@MouldyPotato

Your brother is behaving very weirdly about all this. It was your divorce, you are the one that had to go through all the hurt. You think he'd be happy you'd found someone.
He is. He just doesn't want anything to do with him.
OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 03/07/2021 19:54

MouldyPotato
Your brother is behaving very weirdly about all this. It was your divorce, you are the one that had to go through all the hurt. You think he'd be happy you'd found someone.

He is. He just doesn't want anything to do with him.

Well I think you should let him have his wish.

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 19:54

He just doesn't want anything to do with him.

This is weird. It's like he is saying there's no point meeting anyone you go out with in case he loses touch with them if it goes wrong.

Newkitchen123 · 03/07/2021 19:55

Has he ever said he's happy for you?
Does he realise that it's your relationship not his

AlternativePerspective · 03/07/2021 19:56

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me. “don’t worry, I won’t bother coming over.

Moonwhite · 03/07/2021 19:57

He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to "get close to him", had that crossed his mind?

Leave him to soak in his precious feelings and spend the weekend with your man instead.

AlternativePerspective · 03/07/2021 19:58

Although tbh after 18 months I wouldn’t have asked if it was ok, I would just have either said that he would be coming, or would have turned up with him.

Shakirasma · 03/07/2021 19:59

It was your marriage and is your relationship.

Your brother is seriously weird in the way hes making it all about him!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 03/07/2021 19:59

Never mind his children loosing another uncle, it sounds to me like your brother's behaviour might cause them to loose their aunt.

IDontReadEyebrows · 03/07/2021 20:02

Is your brother always this self involved or is it only in relation to your relationship status?

I’d sack off seeing your brother and just have a nice day with your boyfriend.

HelloDaisy · 03/07/2021 20:03

Think you need to tell your brother that you split up due to your exh’s infidelity and was not your making and was a long time ago so he is being ridiculous now and creating a wedge between you.

This isn’t a new fling but a serious relationship so he needs to make the effort…

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:06

@AlternativePerspective

Although tbh after 18 months I wouldn’t have asked if it was ok, I would just have either said that he would be coming, or would have turned up with him.
Well yeah, that would be the normal.thing to do but it wouldn't have been worth the fall out. He'd have likely been polite but furious.
OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:09

@Newkitchen123

Has he ever said he's happy for you? Does he realise that it's your relationship not his
Yes, he is happy for me. It last came up in conversation 5 years ago when he made his feelings on the matter quite clear.

I've suggested the four of us meeting up once restrictions were lifted etc and it was always "yeah maybe" "yeah I'll think about it" but with no interest in doing so.

If I'd just turned up with him it would have been seen as a hostile move.

Tbh, after all this time, I'd expected him just to say yes of course. Not have to take 24 hours to consider.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 20:12

To be honest OP, i don't think that it is childish at all to pull out now. A simple...

I have thought about Saturday and to be honest, I think it best if I proceed with my previous plans. I had no idea this would result in a 24 hour period whilst you debate my right to have a life.

What would be childish is waiting 24hours for permission. Which when refused, you will similarly feel abliged to attend.

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:21

I think I'll leave it for now. If he says yes, we'll I'll think about it. If no, then I'll just tell him that we already had plans and will proceed with those.

It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable though. It's hard to tell sometimes when that's just how things are in your family!

OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 20:23

I would like them to meet. That's just normal.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 03/07/2021 20:26

Make alternative plans and do those instead. Next time invite your brother to your house and he can meet your DP there.

Terhou · 03/07/2021 20:26

I don't understand his thinking. Is he assuming that, because your ex turned out to be a dickhead, your new boyfriend must be also? If he's this precious about the possibility of relationships breaking down, how did he bring himself to get married?

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 20:27

Sounds like a good solution.

Yes of course you would like them to meet. This is normal.

Hopefully one day he will be less self entitled.

Leeds2 · 03/07/2021 20:29

I wouldn’t be going. With or without my BF.

I think your brother is being very controlling. And ridiculous at the same time.