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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother meeting my boyfriend. AIBU?

161 replies

PurpleSlate · 03/07/2021 19:32

10 years ago, I split up from my husband. It's amicable well enough now. Certainly no dramas. I rarely talk about him but when I do, it's largely positive. We were together 12 years, married 4 and it ended when he had an affair.

My brother and he were really close. They went away for the weekend alone, my ex husband was a groomsman at his wedding. You get the picture.

They haven't seen each other since we split up and my brother was really angry at the time. He kept talking about how his wedding photos were ruined because my ex was on them, how his daughter had lost her only uncle etc.

Over the past 10 years, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Not suggested introducing my brother to any of them.

I've now been with someone for 18 months. My children have a good relationship with him.

My brother has invited my children and me over to his house next weekend on the only night I would be able to see my boyfriend this week due to work commitments. I've explained this and asked if he can come along. It will only be for a couple of hours in the evening.

My children are adult/older teen. They will be making their own way to my brother's and stopping overnight. My brother has 'met' my bf when he called for a video chat not knowing he was round.

Anyway, my brother has previously expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in meeting anyone I date and has been lukewarm when I have suggested meeting him. He doesn't want to get close to someone else only to lose them and he doesn't want his daughter to lose another uncle. We don't see him often so none of that would happen anyway.

He wants 24 hours to discuss with his wife and make a decision on whether my bf is allowed to visit with me.

It makes feel like a child. I think that, after 18 months and, for the first time in 10 years, he should be open to meeting someone I'm in a relationship with. Were all in our 40s/50s.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 08/07/2021 10:33

@nonevernotever

I know it's not polite, but your latest post just makes me want to say "well duuuh". That really does sound as though it could be at the bottom of it, even if he doesn't recognise it himself. I'd still decline this time though, whatever he decides
Really horrible post. It's hard to see the world we live in / were raised in with objective eyes.
Taliskerskye · 08/07/2021 11:33

Honestly then. I would maybe write him and email saying all the things you feel including about how he asserts his boundaries and leave it. If he never contacts you again then that’s his choice. You are not making him chose. You are behaving like a perfectly normal person.
I would probably make the letter non confrontational but at the same time succinct and boundaried in its self!

FrenchieFromGrease · 08/07/2021 11:53

Just take your DP to the nieces birthday brunch meal. Be breezy and unapologetic about it. It's a public place, there are no 'safeguarding issues' (WTF?), he has no right to exclude your DP.

He is expecting you to ask his permission and check with him beforehand. When you do this it just feeds into his delusion that he is the boss and you are the minion. You are an adult. You're not your mother with a new man every few minutes. He needs to get over himself, and he will only do that when you stand up to him. (Or he will exclude you from the family, but either way - it will be brought to a head!)

PurpleSlate · 08/07/2021 17:42

I appreciate what you're saying but a conversation wouldn't go well and he wouldn't take a letter seriously. He wouldn't listen and he wouldn't let me 'win' - as he would see it. Even if he begins to think he might be in the wrong, he'll still stand his ground.

Besides, I think it would be awkward for both of us if he acquiesced on the back of it. If the usual birthday brunch for us all is suggested as a joint get together for mine and his daughter's birthdays, I will take bf along because my daughter would like him to be there. Otherwise, I won't go. Sounds childish, I know, but I suspect my brother will anticipate that and suggest something different - I've known him for over 40 years, I know how he operates...

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 17:51

I'm completely astounded by this!

I'm worried for his child, though. What would happen if she got engaged and then broke it off? Would she have to stay single forever? If she brings home her first boyfriend would her dad expect this to be the one she's staying with until one of them dies?

Has his thinking always been so black and white?

Oh and is his wife the first woman he went out with?

Taliskerskye · 09/07/2021 00:45

Tbh
I would just cut all contact and move on with your life, slowly and quietly. You don’t need this shit
It’S insane. I have never met a family dynamics like this and I feel sorry for any children of his and his wife

QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 00:58

Weirdest brother ever 😳

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 01:20

Tell him to fuck off. He's not your madter.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2021 01:41

Stop allowing him have so much control.
Save yourself the stress don't go.

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 13:30

I'm not going
He's sent a message toy cgildrenin the family chat this morning saying "Looking forward to seeing you both" so I'm clearly now nor invited anyway.

He's also sent me a separate message about something completely different. Not entirely sure why he thinks I'm going to reply to that.

His way of being has always irritated me. I've had enough now.

OP posts:
PunishmentSnart · 09/07/2021 13:41

Your brother is a raging weirdo.

I cant get my head around this!

Notquitefeelingit · 09/07/2021 15:05

Gosh OP I don't normally comment on posts but yours really struck a chord with me. I just wanted to say I'm really impressed with your setting of boundaries. I had a situation with one brother a couple of years ago where he said some pretty unforgivable things and has never really apologised or reached out since. The rest of our family have put a lot of pressure on me to "meet him halfway" and "be the bigger person", while basically letting him off the hook because his job was really stressful at the time. We then didn't see each other for over a year (lockdown didn't help) and then when we did finally sit down he was extremely reluctant to discuss it or take any responsibility. So I said my piece and now everyone is happy and thinks all is fine. I'm glad we cleared the air but honestly, I don't see how I can ever see him in the same way or be close to him again.
I didn't want to derail your thread, just wanted to say I appreciate just how difficult it can be to hold the line when EVERYONE else thinks you should give way. I really admire you. Good luck.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2021 15:15

Could he be gay? Possibly in love with your ex.
Very strange weird control issues.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/07/2021 15:15

He sounds very controlling and over the top. What's he like with his wife?

Biker47 · 09/07/2021 15:26

Brother is definitely a weirdo.

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 16:22

@EmeraldShamrock

Could he be gay? Possibly in love with your ex. Very strange weird control issues.
No. Definitely not. He's just very controlling.
OP posts:
PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 16:48

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

He sounds very controlling and over the top. What's he like with his wife?
Odd. He utterly adores her. Will tell anyone who will listen that he loves her, very effusive fb posts. She is the same.

But I mentioned that we didn't see him for a year after an outbursts in the pub.

Their daughter was a baby. I can't remember why now but she had the baby on her lap and was trying to feed her, and feed herself. Hence she was very slow eating. First of all my brother kept 'joking' around saying, "Are you not eating that?" And trying to pick food from her plate whilst she still tried to feed herself and the baby. Then, when we had all finished, he complained that she needed to hurry up and finish her dinner because the pub staff wanted to clear the food away and he was embarrassed that she was holding us up etc.

I had said nothing until this point. I didn't offer to help her. When their daughter was born, if we were round for dinner, his wife would go into the kitchen and cook dinner. If the baby cried or needed a nappy change he would call his wife to stop cooking and come in to do it. And she would. If she couldn't he would grumble and ask me to do it instead. I only did it once because I didn't want my niece to suffer but my then husband was furious about it and told I should never do it again and my brother should man up and look after his own baby rather than delegating to the nearest woman.

So that evening, I didn't offer to help and said nothing until her started quietly berating her for embarrassing him and taking so long to eat when I said very quietly, "maybe if you took the baby from her and helped, she would be able to eat now you have finished?"

Well, he stood up and launched an absolutely tirade at me - maybe if I concerned myself with my relationships rather than his, I wouldn't always be single. His criticised me professionally, mental healthwise; my looks. Everything. Just an absolute tireade because I dared to challenge him.

My children were young and so I just turned to them and said, "Come on, you two. We need to go home now. Uncle X is paying for dinner tonight." And walked out with them while he was waiting for the bill. Didn't speak to him for over a year.

For many years before my exh and I separated, we would talk about them and express concern. But she is actually happy with him!

She feels she a manages him well and she certainly de-escalates him.

She and I went out for coffee a couple.of years ago and she was having a low level moan about him and how his temper and behaviour had cost them some friends.

I admitted that my exh and i had been concerned amd she said she knew. Apparently, my exh had once met up with her in town (they worked very near to each other) to tell her that we were concerned and that if she ever needed to leave, or even just get away for an evening, we would always support her, no questions asked! I had no idea.

As for his daughter. I don't know. I don't know what she sees and hears because we spend very little time with them together nowadays. I rarely see my SIL and, when I do, they present a very united front.

OP posts:
Youdiditanyway · 09/07/2021 17:01

Your brother is a bit creepy and I’d honestly keep him at arms length at all times. The fact he said he doesn’t want to meet your DP because he doesn’t want to get close to him then lose him is honestly really batshit. I think he needs a lot more therapy really, it hasn’t worked very well…

Drovememad · 09/07/2021 17:04

YADNBU!

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 17:13

@Youdiditanyway

Your brother is a bit creepy and I’d honestly keep him at arms length at all times. The fact he said he doesn’t want to meet your DP because he doesn’t want to get close to him then lose him is honestly really batshit. I think he needs a lot more therapy really, it hasn’t worked very well…
He had therapy in his early 20s and the therapist encouraged him to have boundaries around his mum and to stand firm for what was right for him. He feels it is right for him for me to not have my boyfriend included in our family. That is his boundary and I have tried crossing it. I am in the wrong in his eyes.
OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 09/07/2021 19:18

Your brother sounds like a big standard cunt who wants to blame all of the women. All of the time
You
Your mum
His wife

I’m sure his daughter will be next in the firing line.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2021 20:00

it sounds like an unresolved attachment disorder probably made worse by your parents divorce, although he is behaving very odd I think he might need professional help to overcome attachments it is not healthy.
I think you've been more than fair it is time he is realistic too.

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 20:28

I agree but he won't consider it. That would be like him admitting that he is in the wrong and he's not. He wouldn't have therapy because other people (me) don't want to observe his boundaries...

OP posts:
therearenogoodusernamesleft · 09/07/2021 21:06

@Taliskerskye

Your brother sounds like a big standard cunt who wants to blame all of the women. All of the time You Your mum His wife

I’m sure his daughter will be next in the firing line.

This.

Your update about the incident at the restaurant is horrific. He sounds like a horrible, abusive man and I would happily prioritise my DP over him.

PurpleSlate · 09/07/2021 21:14

It's hard because hebis my own living blood relative aside from my children. He's notuch of a support network but the only family I have and the only relative ony side of the family that my children have.

When he's being 'good' he's good company. I just he wasn't such a twat at times Sad

OP posts: