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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really care I’ll be 60 when my youngest is 18

534 replies

Pinkco · 03/07/2021 19:23

Why is this relevant?

Will be 42 when I have my last child and people have said the above in incredulous tones.

What am I missing?

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 03/07/2021 19:38

Because it’s exceptionally hard on the child to have much older parents, particularly when they’re in their early twenties and really need guidance rather than having to look after their parents who are in a totally different life phase. And of course they won’t have you for as long.

It also means you’re likely to not fully see your grandchildren grow up.

Teenageromance · 03/07/2021 19:39

I’m 58 with a 20, 18 and 16 year old -not even remotely an issue. It’s about having an open mind, allowing them to grow into the people they are going to be and making the most of the life skills you’ve developed to allow that everyone does them through life and we all make what we can of it. Think there are huge benefits to being an older parent and my children would agree x

Original poster
Pinkco · 03/07/2021 19:40

Look after parents in their early sixties Grin

OP posts:
Notashandyta · 03/07/2021 19:40

Oh, everyone always has something to say about anything and everything the instant you get pregnant/ become a parent.
The judginess, and worse, the belief they can say direct to your face what's going on in their heads is terrible!
Unless you parent exactly as they have/ would, its all wrong! Cause, you know, obviously they were perfect Hmm

Teenageromance · 03/07/2021 19:40

I actually think older parents can be better parents to teens

drspouse · 03/07/2021 19:40

@TeenMinusTests

It means you will be going through the menopause when they are a teenager. It's not a great combination.
My two came along when I was 44 and 47 (adopted). No sign of teenage yet (apart from SEN meltdowns), the older one does a great imitation of a Year 6 sulking though, but he's a ham. Menopause all done TBH and well before teens.
Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 19:41

Why should you care? You will certainly not be the only one. People have been having babies when they were over forty forever, more so now. When I was growing up there was a girl my age who lived over the road, we went to the same school, whose mum was 47 when she had her, dad was a good few years older. There were older, grown up children in the family and what a lovely life she had, all adored her. What is more she had her mum around for a long time when she was married and had her own children.

Sixty years old is nothing, I am over sixty and don't feel a lot different to how I did years ago. Just keep fit and well and enjoy your baby. B**r what other people say (they might be jealous :-) ).

Twelvetimestwo · 03/07/2021 19:42

@Teenageromance

I actually think older parents can be better parents to teens
Yes, more patience maybe
drspouse · 03/07/2021 19:42

@Pinkco

Look after parents in their early sixties Grin
My DH is in his early 60s and the only looking after he gets is the odd cup of coffee in bed when it's his turn.
Original poster
Pinkco · 03/07/2021 19:42

Problem with the teen/menopause thing is the menopause can start any time around 45 and if you have two children two years apart they are teens for nine years so it’s quite hard to avoid.

OP posts:
MareMare · 03/07/2021 19:43

@TeenMinusTests

It means you will be going through the menopause when they are a teenager. It's not a great combination.
Brilliant. No one ever thought of this before you. Hmm

OP, for me it’s a completely unexceptional age to have an 18 year old.

Cma1988 · 03/07/2021 19:45

My mum is 70 with a 15 year old. But before anyone clutches their pearls at my mother giving birth at 55 - she is a foster carer - but my foster sister calls her mum, as she does not have any contact with her birth mum, and she believes Dmum has been the best mum to her than all of her ‘other mums (birth mum and a few previous foster mums) put together.

My mum is a fantastic foster carer despite her age - in fact in some respects I think the foster children (she fostered from her mid-40s) actually got the best of my parents because they have had more of my parents time, attention, my parents are more nurturing and patient - when we were young, she was often busy or stressed with work.

I do not believe it disadvantages a teenager to have an older mum at all. That might be an unpopular opinion, but as long as you are healthy, there is no reason why you won’t be able to be as good a mum to a teen at 60 than you would be at 40.

Congratulations OP 💐

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/07/2021 19:45

@22Giraffes

I'll be 39 when dd is 18, I'm so glad I had my kids when I did.
And I spent years living abroad in various countries as a young 20 something, backpacking the world, living life... when you were changing shitty nappies and being bogged down with drudgery. Glad I did what I did when I did. Everyone is different Smile.
Teenageromance · 03/07/2021 19:46

@Twelvetimestwo I also think you have the life experience that doesn’t take anything too seriously - all things tend to work out in the end and you don’t have to have it all sorted when you leave school

Imapotato · 03/07/2021 19:47

@Pinkco

Look after parents in their early sixties Grin
I work in healthcare. It happens. A lot more often than if you were 40s or even 50s. My own mother, as I previously posted, recently had a stroke aged 65. I wouldn’t have wanted my 22 year old sister to have had to cope alone, luckily she’s the youngest of 5 so wasn’t an issue. Thankfully mums making a good recovery, but it isn’t always the case.

Lots of people are fit and healthy, but as age goes up, so does the chance of life changing health problems.

It’s the norm now to be older having kids. From a financial point of view it often makes sense. But it’s not really ideal from a health perspective.

But then I can’t talk. Most people would judge me and think I was mad for having my kids in my early 20s. I’m totally happy with my choice though. As are many people who have had kids later. At the end of the day, it’s individual choice. Others can have opinions quietly in their heads or on anonymous Internet forums, but should never say anything in real life.

Cma1988 · 03/07/2021 19:48

@Teenageromance

I actually think older parents can be better parents to teens
Yes - my parents became foster carers in their mid/late 40s and while they were good parents to us, actually, they have become even better parents to the children they have fostered.
Templetreebloom · 03/07/2021 19:52

countries as a young 20 something, backpacking the world, living life... when you were changing shitty nappies and being bogged down with drudgery.

Is there any need to be so nasty ?
Younger parents probably just took their babies with them ,whatever they did.
Lots of my friends travelled, went to festivals etc with babies and young children.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/07/2021 19:52

DS just turned 18 and I am 68.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/07/2021 19:53

@emilyfrost

Because it’s exceptionally hard on the child to have much older parents, particularly when they’re in their early twenties and really need guidance rather than having to look after their parents who are in a totally different life phase. And of course they won’t have you for as long.

It also means you’re likely to not fully see your grandchildren grow up.

In what way is it exceptionally hard? My cousins mum had him when she was 44, is now almost 80 and is a fab grandma. Her and my uncle visit my other cousin out in Oz once every 2 years. They always do a bit of backpacking for a couple of months on their way out to Oz, backpacking through China and South East Asia being their last trip before 6 weeks in Oz and still live like 20 somethings! And who on earth needs "looking after" in their 60s, unless they have some kind of serious illness?
Kitkat151 · 03/07/2021 19:53

That’s great you had kids when you wanted.....that’s what I did too.....I’m 55 now with 3 grandchildren....when I’m 60 my last child ( 3rd) will be 27.... that works for me.... why should your age be important? Has someone said something?

Templetreebloom · 03/07/2021 19:54

Peronally it would be coping with the lack of sleep in my 40s rather than worrying about an 18 year old having a 60 year old Mum and mine were good sleepers Grin

spotcheck · 03/07/2021 19:55

The people who mention this are just pleased with their math skills.

Just beam at them and acknowledge the accuracy of their sums.

LublinToDublin · 03/07/2021 19:55

Ignore them.
My dd turns 17 in Oct and I turn 60 in December.
We have a fabulous relationship!
I remember her in the infant school playground telling everyone that I was "half a hundred" on my last significant birthday 🤣

Original poster
Pinkco · 03/07/2021 19:55

There’s a need when the young parents are nasty.

My life was not in a good place in my early twenties. And I was single! Grin

Imapotato I think the chances of dc having to look after decrepit parents aged 60 is fairly low.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 19:56

I’m 57. My 14 year old dd nicks all my clothes. Including a dress I’d just bought for a wedding.

She pinches trainers, birkies and shoes too. Make up, hair dryers, brushes, you name it.

It is an unspoken fact of ife, that what is mine is hers.