To not really care I’ll be 60 when my youngest is 18

[Pinkco]

Why is this relevant?

Will be 42 when I have my last child and people have said the above in incredulous tones.

What am I missing?

Oh for goodness' sake. Ageism at its worst. They're thinking how worn out THEY would feel, not how vital you may feel. Ignore them. And enjoy being a mother when some of the wisdom that doesn't hit till we're in our late 30s or more has kicked in..

My lovely Mum had me at 45. Dad was 50. I was uncomfortable at bringing friends home from school so never did. Dad died when I was 22. Mum when I was 24. I had 5 older sisters who dealt with everything. Sadly they have all passed now also their husband's. Lots of funerals.
I had a lovely upbringing, told I was an unexpected late one, I know I was loved. That fact did not affect me really, made me tougher, but would have liked to have known my parents for longer.

I had my youngest just before my 40th birthday. It’s far more common these days. The only thing that gripes me is people assume I’m his gran. I’m only 46 ffs!

Well it is what it is! I had my youngest at 40 so I'll be 58 when she's 18. Her dad will be 71. It's not ideal but on the other hand it wasn't planned like that. We tried for years, I was heartbroken and destroyed and she truly saved me. There's no point wishing I was younger. We just make the most of every day and it's been amazing so far!

My mother was 43 or 44 when my youngest brother was born (unplanned). I observed her concentrating more on him than she had been able to with any of us. For instance, coming home after a spelling test:

to me - "Did you pass?"

to him, eleven years later - "What did you get on your spelling test?

We all enjoyed having a baby in the family (possibly excepting the previously youngest who was 9 years younger). My mother told me that he was the joy of her old age. At a time when many a stay-at-home mother such as she was are looking for meaningful things to do in life, she was raising someone, who in later years, became an only child instead of having an empty nest.

You never know with any child what will happen next. Just expect to enjoy your child!

Lots of women have children at 42.

I'm 42. My children are teenagers. But I'd be much better at motherhood now, if I weren't so wrecked from 1.5 decades of it.

My friend at 65 will have two sets of twins. One set aged 34 and the other set 18. Her DH will be 67.

I had ds1 at 34, and ds2 at 42, so I too will have an 18yo when I'm 60.
I'm 48, just starting the menopause and have a 6yo and 14yo.
I'm going to be doing the school run well into my 50s!

Both my parents died a few years ago, and they weren't old.

You never know how life will work out, you don't get to try it another way. So it is what it is. I think I'd have been a shit mum when I was younger, so I prefer it like this, but really nobody knows.

I need to post on this. But whenever I post it does not appear !
I hit button that says add a post. It then shows up in a different colour is this a preview and do I then need to hit add a post? when I look at posts nothing from me. I am not techie and I know I should check how to. I did contact Mums net and they said they can see the posts from me, but I still can't. Very impatient as I have a very different view on this post. Did it post? Ta x

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong age, it’s what’s right for the individual. And let’s be honest it isn’t always a choice, it can be that it takes years for someone to get pregnant.

I don’t agree with the fact that you’ve asked for an opinion but anyone who’s given you an honest answer back which isn’t agreeing with your personal circumstances you are being rude. There is no right or wrong, but don’t ask the question in this forum if you don’t want to have anyone disagree.

@Ritpetit

I need to post on this. But whenever I post it does not appear ! I hit button that says add a post. It then shows up in a different colour is this a preview and do I then need to hit add a post? when I look at posts nothing from me. I am not techie and I know I should check how to. I did contact Mums net and they said they can see the posts from me, but I still can't. Very impatient as I have a very different view on this post. Did it post? Ta x

Yes it posted.

I think everyone is different. Im 44, my eldest is 22 my youngest is 16 at the end of the year. With my health the way it currently is. I am happy i had them all before i was 30 because it would have been difficult for me now, if i had waited. I couldnt do the baby period now in my 40s, my body wouldnt handle it.
Each to their own, youve gotta do what ever is right for you, there is no right or wrong way. That being said, my mom was born when my nan was 40 and although my mom loved her parents she always says it was a struggle, and a bit embarrassing at school because other kids assumed they were her grandparents!!
There are pros and cons to being young and older i think anyway.

Me too, my one and only Dc was born when I was 42, no problems here

I think it's perfectly fine. I'm 58 (nearly 59) & my youngest is just 18. I believe having a youngster at my age keeps me young & gives me a younger perspective on things.
I love his friends telling him they can't believe I'm 'that old'.

Enjoy your baby ❤️

Nobody would bat an eyelid if you were the dad and you said this

particularly when they’re in their early twenties and really need guidance rather than having to look after their parents

What?
60's isn't elderly, most will still be at work. For sure they won't need 'looking after' unless they had underlying health conditions unrelated to age.

I have to acknowledge the fact that at 42 my mum was a much better parent to my youngest dsis than she was to the children she had in her 20s and 30s. She was a joy abs kept her “young”. My mum looks young for her age even now at 65 you definitely could mistake her for late 50s.

The downside is that due to her ill health and recent stroke she was unable to do everything she would have liked to with her. For example. My sister recently finished uni and most parents would help pack up, clean and transport their belonging across the country. Mum couldn’t do the journey, it was about 200 miles. Dad also didn’t want to leave mum for the time it would take and due to his own health issues and still working full time, this kind of journey is very tiring for him. Luckily it was no big deal as dsis has much older siblings. So myself mid 30s sister and early 30s dsis as well as my own teenage dds went and did what a parent would usually do. We actually had a great weekend. But it would have been really sad for dsis to have had to do it all herself and somehow get all her stuff back across country as DM and DF were not able to do it.

It’s not the end of the world, but it’s kind of the pattern of things. I’ve done a lot with young dsis due to parents being older. Tbh. In their 40s and early 50s they were both very healthy, but so seems to be the family curse that your 60s are not an easy ride.

No one has a crystal ball, everyone will have a different experience. But the mumsnet obsession that being an older parent is ideal makes me a bit .
IMO being an older parent is the same as being a teenage parent. It works out well for some abs not for others, but neither being very young or very old is the ideal.

@MareMare

Read the comment again. She said she was surprised people would do X because she would do Y. It was more me saying just because you would do it one way why does that mean everyone else would do it that way. I wasn’t fighting for either side there just her comment was a bit weird ……………….

My parents were older parents, it hasn’t been great in last 10 years. At 18 when I should have been enjoying uni my dad started being in ill health and that’s when my young carefree life ended. I became a carer along with my mum. Now I’m in my 40’s with kids and my mum is also ill so I’m squeezed from both sides, caring for my ill elderly parents, running around after my kids and juggling a job which means I have zero stress free time.
It’s the same for all of my friends with older parents. My friends with younger parents can concentrate on their kids and jobs and get support from parents so get to have weekends away etc. None of us with older parents have that. And none of us with older parents had kids past early 30’s because none of us wanted that for our kids. Because it is hard caring for elderly parents when you are already spread very thin with work and kids. I don’t think the issue is around being 60 when they are 18 but more about being 80 when they are 38 that’s when the issues arise.
Hopefully you’ll be a fit and healthy in your old age and can enjoy your grandchildren and be actively involved in their lives.
It breaks my parents hearts that they can’t and mum always says she wishes she’d been able to have kids earlier but she couldn’t.
At the moment I have a friend who is 23 about to have her first child and one aged 44 about to have her 3rd, she had her first at 38 both are amazing women and made choices when to have their children based on what they felt was right for them. One put career first and one just desperately wanted to start a family young. Neither were wrong, it’s what worked for them personally. Would I have a child in my 40’s? No but that’s because I don’t feel it’s right for me. But my present circumstances have impacted those choices. If my parents were fit and healthy I’d have a very different experience. We all have different experiences that inform our decisions. Even though I wouldn’t personally have a baby at 44 doesn’t mean no one else should. Equally I wouldn’t have had a child at 23 because I wasn’t in a place we’re I felt ready for kids. But that’s my choices. Every women should be free to choose if and when she wants kids and the rest of us should be supportive of that. Not a young mum v old mum. Have kids when you want them and the rest of us shouldn’t judge.

I had my 1st at 34 through IVF on my own and am 12weeks pregnant now having done ivf on my own again. Wouldn’t change a thing! I’m glad I didn’t have babies in my 20s. I’m not missing anything, I don’t envy going out. And I don’t think for a second that been 60 when my youngest is 19 will be any issue if anything I’d hope I’ll be more relaxed and hopefully nothing at all like my mother
There’s oodles of merit for having children when older, just as There is for having them younger

OP I had my DD at 35 and my DS at 39. DS is now 18. My DD and I are very close, swap clothes and finish each others sentences. My DS tells me he loves me several times a day and that I am the "best Mum ever". I feel blessed to have them in my life.
I did get some sniffy looks from the young Mums at primary school, but it wore off fairly quickly! Secondary school was much easier.
On the plus side I already had established a good career (still have) which meant work was flexible when the DCs needed me. Also means we paid off our mortgage years ago so perhaps have less stress, at least financially.
Your children will love you for the love and guidance you give them, not your age. Ignore anyone who says otherwise and enjoy your family.

I didn’t have my first until I was 37 and the third at 44, so I shall be 62 when my youngest is 18.

I wouldn't worry. I had my first child at 38 and my second at 40. They are now 32 and 30. the youngest is married and the oldest engaged. Neither has any children yet!

These days we are living longer but who knows what age we will die at?

I wonder if the next generation will be younger parents than this one 🤷‍♀️

I know dsis is determined to start a family before she’s 30 and not have kids later than 35 because of her own experience of having older parent’s. But then other people may have better experiences of older parent’s. It’ll be interesting to see.