To not really care I’ll be 60 when my youngest is 18

[Pinkco]

Why is this relevant?

Will be 42 when I have my last child and people have said the above in incredulous tones.

What am I missing?

My mam is 60 this year still young and often mistaken for my kids parent who cares what age you are if you are ok with it it doesn't matter . 60 isn't old at all

HRT exists for a reason

Not everyone can or wants to use HRT. I did and it helped enormously but it’s glib and facile to airily assume it’s some kind of panacea for all menopausal ills.

Incidentally I had to lie to my GP and say there’s no history of breast cancer in my family to get it.

If life and ability to cope stops at peri or menopause then how does any woman WORK after 40?

By 40 we are all sweaty exhausted washed out husks? Sorry I dont buy into that misogynist BS.

@IncessantNameChanger

If life and ability to cope stops at peri or menopause then how does any woman WORK after 40?

By 40 we are all sweaty exhausted washed out husks? Sorry I dont buy into that misogynist BS.

I don’t think that anyone said that.

Lots of people just don’t fancy having a teenager when they are winding down to retirement. Or have seen significant health problems with in their families starting around the age of 60-65 and decided that having a late baby is not for them. Which I think is completely fair enough.

People are very vocal about people under say 30 wasting their lives and that seems completely fine and acceptable. But if anyone dares to vocalise reasons that they don’t want a late baby it seems that people take it very personally. Apparently on mumsnet all people aged 60+ are super fit and climb mountains at the weekend!! Obviously they’re not, but hey.

There are pros and cons of every age which need to be considered.

I have read recently that peri menopause can start in your 30s & go on for a long time. There's no escape it seems!

@IncessantNameChanger

If life and ability to cope stops at peri or menopause then how does any woman WORK after 40?

By 40 we are all sweaty exhausted washed out husks? Sorry I dont buy into that misogynist BS.

No one is saying life stops just these are things that affect some women , some more than others. How is it misogynistic? Awareness of Menopause and the challenges women face in the workplace due to it is growing.

My workplace has a Menopause policy which is fantastic and about bloody time!

@IncessantNameChanger

If life and ability to cope stops at peri or menopause then how does any woman WORK after 40?

By 40 we are all sweaty exhausted washed out husks? Sorry I dont buy into that misogynist BS.

Sadly it’s biology, not misogyny.

Most of my "Mum" friends had kids in their late 30's, too, so I just added a new friendship group. Same here & several like me in their early 40s too. I wasn't even the oldest mum in DDs primary class & I had her at nearly 42

I can't help thinking that life experience and financial security has made parenting easier. We have a resilient, sensible (mostly) child.

We are old enough to choose when to fight our battles.

Absolutely spot on. 👍🏻

I'm a few years down the road with an 18yo & she's been far from easy in recent years. Covid has been very hard on them, even without the CV status mine has. But as you say, they are incredibly resilient & mostly sensible kids, at very least when they are away from home. we definitely know when to fight our battles. Lots of plusses to older parenting that's for sure & we are not unusual in our friendship group, so DD doesn't seem to worry. We've sadly lost several younger friends that DD was close to over the years, as well as older & have close family going strong & independent at 85, so thankfully she doesn't tend to get anxious as far as our being older goes.

Her health problems come with anxiety as a symptom though, usually around the most bizarre things really. Like imagining she's doing really badly with college etc & will just about scrape by if she's lucky & more likely fail at least 2. She even had us worried she was struggling. Turned out she was doing really well . She also gets very anxious around flying ant & June bug time, but she panics about it weeks, sometimes months ahead & afterwards too & hates leaving the house & takes an umbrella to protect herself when she does.

Never our age though & she's always been very upfront with any worries she has

You seem to be using this thread as a way to bash people who have made a different choice to you.

I'm in the younger mum camp and I couldn't give a monkeys when others choose to have their children. It is difficult at any age. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I had my first at 29 and he is coming up to 18 and my mum is in fast decline. It's just not black and white for everyone. Having him in my twenties hasnt stopped my mum approaching death rapidly when he hits 18.

I'm sure everyone has their valid points but it's not going to transfers nearly in proven formula to OP. Its odds, not a law of physics.

My mil had hers at 17 and 20 and still saw her father die before either hit 18.

I'm just not sure it's all on balance a good enough reason to not have kids past 40 or more importantly remain childless.

My mum was 55 when I was 18 and I was forever pinching her clothes! I'll be 57 when my child is 18. I really don't think its a big deal, I hope to be like my mum and look and feel 10+ years younger!

It's so easy to judge! I see younger mums overweight with health conditions.
Or younger mum in unstable/broken/DV relationships.
Or younger mums just getting by and living on state benefits.
Or younger mums neglecting their children.
Are they in a better position to have
a child than an older mum?
How do you define the full criteria ? Why does mn have a predisposition for highlighting an older mums age?

@IncessantNameChanger

I had my first at 29 and he is coming up to 18 and my mum is in fast decline. It's just not black and white for everyone. Having him in my twenties hasnt stopped my mum approaching death rapidly when he hits 18.

I'm sure everyone has their valid points but it's not going to transfers nearly in proven formula to OP. Its odds, not a law of physics.

My mil had hers at 17 and 20 and still saw her father die before either hit 18.

I'm just not sure it's all on balance a good enough reason to not have kids past 40 or more importantly remain childless.

Yes, this.

My GM both had children between 19-25 but one died in her mid-60s when her eldest gc was 24, and the other died in her 80s when her youngest gc was 24 and she had numerous ggc.

In contrast my best friend’s mum was 45 when she was born (only a couple of years younger than my gran when I was born; and my bf was her only child) and 40 years later she is running around after grandchildren and great grandchildren and healthier than my GP and DP ever were. She always says having her child older kept her young at heart and I do think there’s some truth in that. The younger you feel the healthier you will be as you get older regardless of when you have your kids.

Each to their own op.

@SwimBaby

I think family history does have a big impact on when a woman chooses to have a family. My two GM both died when they were 59, I lost two aunts at 64 and 65, my DM developed Alzheimer’s in her early/mid 60’s although obviously I didn’t know that would happen with my DM when I had my DC. My DM is 70 now and can’t really do anything for herself, it’s heartbreaking. I’d never have thought this would happen to her 10 years ago, even now physically she looks 5 to 10 years younger. We grew up eating health foods when my friends ate junk, my DM has always practiced yoga and maintained a really healthy weight. It’s so sad, I’m able to dedicate a lot of time to arranging her care etc because I’m early 50’s and an empty nester.

I completely agree, @SwimBaby. Most of my family make it well into their 80's, but having a Mum who developed health problems in her 40's and died in her 60's definitely influenced me to have my children slightly younger than she did (early-mid 30's as opposed to 38).

It wasn't really logical, because if I also became ill in my 40's, my children would still be impacted - but it was in the back of my mind.
Touch wood, I've now been in good health longer than her by a few years, so perhaps I'll be one of the octogenarians instead.

We're all influenced by our personal experiences - doesn't mean we have to be nasty to people who make different choices.

@Steelesauce

You seem to be using this thread as a way to bash people who have made a different choice to you.

I'm in the younger mum camp and I couldn't give a monkeys when others choose to have their children. It is difficult at any age. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Exactly this! Another thread to subtly bash younger parents Wtf!

Exactly this! Another thread to subtly bash younger parents hmm Wtf

That’s the name of the game on mumsnet!

There a good mums and bad mums whether they had their kids at 18 or 48! The 18 year old is likely to have less financial security and the 48 year old has a greater chance of developing health problems before their children are grown. But everyone has different family histories and reasons for their choices.

I feel on mumsnet being an older parent is very much encouraged, while being a younger parent is very much looked down upon.

I acknowledge that just because having kids young worked out well for me, that it is not the case for everyone. Older parents often don’t seem to be able to do the same and just bang on about how they so fit and healthy and so is everyone they know. Good for them, I wish them all long and happy lives, but it’s not the case for everyone and thought should be given to that when making the choice to have late babies. If your parents and grandparents were fit and healthy older adults then there’s a greater chance you will be to. In that case having a baby in your 40s probably seems like no big deal. But others of us seem to not have the best family genetics and it makes us think twice. I’m my family we seem very healthy in our 40s. Health problems creep in in our 50s and a scary proportion seem to die in their 60s. I’m hoping this won’t be the case for me. I have lots of plans for my early retirement that involve me being fit and active, but I wouldn’t risk having a dependent at that age 🤷‍♀️

I was a younger mum when I had dc1 and an older mum when I had dcs 2 and 3(twins) There is an 18 year gap. I can't bash anyone based on age! Fwiw I know a wonderful mum who had her first dc on her 16th birthday.

@TeenMinusTests

It means you will be going through the menopause when they are a teenager. It's not a great combination.

How would you know that !! I had my son at 36 , menapause started two yrs later ??? No one has a crystal ball to see into their furture

Yep. I hated my parents being so old, now I haven't got them.

Ok I’m younger than you but I’m 52 and have a 19 year old. I’m happy I don’t it that way round, they keep me young and I can do anything with my 19 year old that I want too and I do, surfing lessons in Cornwall a few weeks ago. I manage to do more than lots of younger people do, keeps me young. Also DH and I had lots of adventures before kids came along, we know that when the time comes for the kids to leave home we actually do get on and are looking forward to many more adventures.

I have 2 dc. One of 25 and one of 7. I was 2 weeks away from my 44th birthday when i gave birth to dc2. I realise i have more time and patience and a true appreciation of how precious time is and how quickly they grow up. I have never worried how old i am my child sees me as a happy mum who truly enjoys this time.Ps. i am also having the menopause without hrt due to previous issues and it is within the realms of coping. I am the oldest mum but i have become friends with other younger mums so dc2 still has playdates and all other things all his peers parents do.

Of course it's fine. My mum should have been 40 when I turned 18 but she died at 34. I'm what other posters are deeming a young mum (not now, my children have grown) who is overweight with health problems. My point being, people will always judge and life is good at throwing a curve ball. As long as you're happy it's great 👍

I will be 61 when DD turns 18

Brilliant. Im with you. We are blessed to have happy dc whatever our age.