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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:

Spamfreet · 02/07/2021 19:46

He needs a reality check.

If he's planning to pay you back the £11k and pay market rate for the rent then you don't get a say. If not he's living in cloud cuckoo land.

willyoumeetmeonclareisland · 02/07/2021 19:46

You should start charging rent

mamamalt · 02/07/2021 19:47

He sounds like a spoilt little baby who owes you rent!
You sound lovely and we're perfectly fair and right in what you said.

Spamfreet · 02/07/2021 19:47

At 25 I'd presume he is still paying off pilot training loans too? Or did you pay for those too?

Superdoopersoup · 02/07/2021 19:49

Oh dear, he is a rather entitled so and so. Unfortunstely, that is down to you.

What you have said at the time, and can say now, that he needs to start paying you rent. You can give him a small reduction in the going rate, if you must.

At the end if the day, if he can afford a new sports car, he can afford to pay you rent.

Spamfreet · 02/07/2021 19:50

It's all relative though. Are you a multimillionaire who might spend £11k on a holiday twice a year or someone who's saved all their life?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/07/2021 19:50

I think you were absolutely right to say what you did. And I’m afraid that I think you need to start making him pay rent - maybe not full market rate, and not u til he finds a new job, but letting him live a life where he doesn’t have to budget for his housing costs is not going to be good for him in the long run, and is probably what had led to,him thinking he can splurge on a new car.

I understand that you love him, but you need to love him enough to let him grow up and be responsible for his own life. As long as you are bankrolling him, he will never grow up.

We have three dses, all in their 20s, and we have helped them as much as we could during their time at university, and have helped them with launch costs afterwards - a car, help with the deposit when they rented somewhere to live - things like that.

But two of them have good jobs, and are financially independent, and I am sure that ds3, who has just graduated, will too. So I do understand the urge to help your kids, but you have to do it in a way that enables them to become independent, not in a way that fosters dependency.

huuskymam · 02/07/2021 19:51

Start charging him rent, make a payment plan for what he already owes you. He'll soon realise he can't afford to a more expensive car and would possibly need to downsize the one he has.

drpet49 · 02/07/2021 19:51

* Oh dear, he is a rather entitled so and so. Unfortunstely, that is down to you.*

^This. He sounds like a spoilt mummys boy.

Original poster

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:53

@Spamfreet

At 25 I'd presume he is still paying off pilot training loans too? Or did you pay for those too?

I paid for them from an inheritance. Tbf, he’s always been extremely appreciative of the fact that I funded it but now I’ve actually put it into words, I’m realising he is sounding very entitled. :(

OP posts:

ChairOnToast · 02/07/2021 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

FlatStanleyCommon · 02/07/2021 19:59

He needs to start paying back the £11000 he owes you for the car he already has before he trades it in.

WindyWindsor · 02/07/2021 20:02

He lives in a home rent free thanks to you, you've paid £11k towards his car that he's supposed to be paying you back for, and he's offended you have an opinion on what he splashes his money on when he owes you thousands?

Maybe I'm heartless, but I'd honestly be telling him he needs to at least pay some to you for the car with his redundancy, not buying a new one.

I really think you should stop "lending" him money if it's no where in his priorities to pay you back. I can understand parents helping their children out when they're struggling but this doesn't sound like that. Also sounds like he had a pretty good job if he got a £35k redundancy at the age of 25 no?

The guy doesn't seem to appreciate the amount of financial assistance you've given him. You've been very generous to him, doesn't it irk you that he doesn't seem to care?

"He can't afford the rent on his salary"...but he has 35k?

I'm a bit stumped by this one

pilates · 02/07/2021 20:02

Spoilt brat, that’s the problem when you pay for everything it gets expected.

SalmonEile · 02/07/2021 20:04

Devils Advocate here, 15 months of no pay and waiting is shit,
He might be “an entitled so and so” but he got himself another job , absolutely nothing wrong with working in a supermarket but maybe he’s a bit disillusioned that everything he trained for is gone potentially for good.

Buying a car might have been something he’d be dreaming about over the last year.

That said, I think you were 100% correct to say to him that it might not be the best time to be splashing out and maybe he’s messaging you because he knows deep down you’re right. That doesn’t make it ok for him to speak to you like that of course so what happens next is up to you ,
You can start charging him rent/repayments etc
You can turn a blind eye while he pisses the money away if that’s what he really wants to do
You could call him and see if there’s anything else going on with him

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here.

UnChatNoir · 02/07/2021 20:05

@pilates

Spoilt brat, that’s the problem when you pay for everything it gets expected.

Yep.

I don't see any reason why he shouldn't pay rent.

BlessedBeTheFruitandNut · 02/07/2021 20:06

He’s 25 years old. Stop funding him.

TeddingtonTrashbag · 02/07/2021 20:08

Honestly I would be happy for him to have the car.
Is a really tough time now for 20 somethings.
Life is short and it sounds like you don’t need the money.
My DS has left uni and started his first job. Living with us because Covid, innit.
Won’t charge him rent ‘cos we don’t need the money.
Cut them some slack,

Drivingmeupthewall · 02/07/2021 20:08

What a spoilt, entitled little drama Queen he is.

If I were you, my first action would be to tell him the house was no longer available and that it’s time he paid for his own home. Like an adult. Unbelievable.

I’m guessing you’re quite wealthy and he doesn’t much fancy using his redundancy for anything other than his own wants and whims.

CharlotteRose90 · 02/07/2021 20:08

Urgh what??? He’s been given 35k from redundancy he needs to get off his arse out of your house and use that as deposit money on a place. You aren’t helping him letting him live rent free. Also he needs to pay you that money back or you say that he won’t get inheritance. I work for an airline and during lockdown had to move home thanks to the uncertainty but I paid my mum half of the house bills. He’s a cheeky spoilt brat sorry and you are allowing it to happen.

Drivingmeupthewall · 02/07/2021 20:09

@TeddingtonTrashbag

Honestly I would be happy for him to have the car. Is a really tough time now for 20 somethings. Life is short and it sounds like you don’t need the money. My DS has left uni and started his first job. Living with us because Covid, innit. Won’t charge him rent ‘cos we don’t need the money. Cut them some slack,

I’m sorry, this just sounds so soft and pathetic. I’m quite sure he’s had more than enough out of his parents.

QueenBee52 · 02/07/2021 20:10

Bless Him... what a cherub of 'hidden' greedy selfish entitlement which presents itself when given an answer he does not like....

@2389Champ

This is your Son showing his true colours...

not very attractive .. are they 🌸

UnChatNoir · 02/07/2021 20:10

@TeddingtonTrashbag

Honestly I would be happy for him to have the car. Is a really tough time now for 20 somethings. Life is short and it sounds like you don’t need the money. My DS has left uni and started his first job. Living with us because Covid, innit. Won’t charge him rent ‘cos we don’t need the money. Cut them some slack,

Cut him some slack? Have you actually read the OP?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2021 20:11

He owes you 11k before he can consider upgrading his car.

I’d be tempted to reply that he’s being manipulative and shockingly entitled and immature to try and punish you for an opinion he requested and that if he wants to be treated like the adult he is he can start by repaying his debts and funding the roof over his head.

How hurtful. Everyone’s had a shit 18 months but he’s been paying no rent so he’s in a much better position than most and the thanks you’re getting is being spoken to like shit by a 25 year old man who’s prioritising a shiny new toy over his financial responsibilities.

He’s he some growing up to do and he won’t do it if you keep propping him up.

Cut the apron strings and you’ll be doing him a favour.

MerylSqueak · 02/07/2021 20:11

If my 11 to son spoke to me in a similar manner for suggesting something completely reasonable, there'd be come back.

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