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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:

Friendofdennis · 02/07/2021 21:33

He needs to pay rent so that he can see how far his supermarket salary goes. Then he will see that he can’t afford a flashy car on that salary. Then when he gets a good salary again perhaps he will appreciate it and realise the importance of budgeting and saving a large chunk of his disposable income

Whammyyammy · 02/07/2021 21:35

He needs to grow up and become an adult man

QueenBee52 · 02/07/2021 21:35

@2389Champ

He has a long term girlfriend who lives with him, feels exactly the same way and is upset about his car plans too. She is not British and came back with him when he returned to the U.K. She tries to contribute by doing online lessons and translations so I think it winds her up when she’s trying to do her bit

is she dependant on Him therefore You too OP ?

Pilots will be back in demand as soon as all governments sort out travel .. he will be okay... but right now he is being very unreasonable.

You are too kind OP, I know he is your Son and it's hard, but he is 25.. not 15 ..

good luck 🌸

justasking111 · 02/07/2021 21:36

Oh a man child, his poor girlfriend. No more money hand outs would be my advice. Howev, your husband needs to stick to this too.

You have spoilt him because you could. His nasty comments are hurtful and unfair

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 02/07/2021 21:40

He needs to downgrade his car and his lifestyle. Unfortunately, he sounds very spoilt. He really must pay you the 11k. I can’t believe he doesn’t have a conscience about that.

lljkk · 02/07/2021 21:44

Why did he ask for your opinion then give you abuse?

Original poster

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 21:45

@justasking111

Oh a man child, his poor girlfriend. No more money hand outs would be my advice. Howev, your husband needs to stick to this too.

You have spoilt him because you could. His nasty comments are hurtful and unfair

They were hurtful. Not trying to excuse him, he’s normally a great guy and very caring but this episode has shown up his emotional immaturity. As I mentioned in my original post, I reckon he knows deep down it’s a stupid and irresponsible waste of money and was hoping I’d enable him further by saying, “That’s nice dear”

OP posts:

Attheendofthedaywhenallsaid · 02/07/2021 21:50

Start charging him rent, your not doing him any favours.

Pixxie7 · 02/07/2021 21:53

I would ask him for the 11k back and start charging a nominal rent. He needs to be able to fund his own lifestyle going forward. Having told him that you respect his right to spend his own money but it’s a two way thing and he has to pay his debts and way in life.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 02/07/2021 22:29

So I do understand the urge to help your kids, but you have to do it in a way that enables them to become independent, not in a way that fosters dependency

Exactly this.

You're not doing him any favours.

LawnFever · 02/07/2021 22:44

@FelicityBob

If he’s been earning £4500 a month for several years then where has all that money gone? He owes you 11 grand. How did covid stop him paying you back? Why can’t he afford to pay you rent? People who work in supermarkets do manage to pay their rent!

All of this!

If he’s been on £4.5k a month over 6 years why hasn’t he bought his own property?

What has he been spending all that money in? Where are his savings if he’s bought no property of his own?

Lots and lots of people live on a salary from working at a supermarket, it’s perfectly normal and they pay all their rent and bills too.

And I bet most of them don’t have £35k in the bank, and an £11k car on the drive they think needs upgrading.

He needs a reality check, you’re doing him no favours if you let this go, he needs to pay rent for a start or move out of your property.

MerylSqueak · 03/07/2021 00:52

I agree with Cocomarine . If you have the money, you can spend it on your son if you wish. The problem is that he has been rude. You need to take him up on this more than anything else.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 01:10

Why did you sit and listen to him ‘wondering what to do with the money?’ He owes you a huge amount of money! When you have money your priorities are necessities, then debts, then treats. You don’t splash out on a posh new car while owing your mum a small fortune.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 01:12

And in addition to owing you money he lives rent free in your property and is rude to you! The mind boggles… he is similar age to me as well, I would maybe just about expect this from a 12 year old boy.

butterry · 03/07/2021 01:39

You have spoiled him and living rent free means he doesn’t have a realistic outlook on life. If you want him to learn to think for himself about his finances you need to ask for the 11k back - it should have at least crossed his mind about paying this back from his redundancy before spending on anything unnecessary like a new car.
Charge him rent or you may as well give him the property. He obviously doesn’t think he will need to pay rent or look for anywhere else to live as he has it so cushy.
You are doing him no favours - he’s now looking at this £35k as disposable cash to spend with no thought to the allowances you have made for him

unstabletoddler · 03/07/2021 02:09

Bloody hell. I'd be telling him I'll no longer interfere in his finances and that includes financial support. Pay back the 11k (that I can't believe you gave toward a car) and start paying rent like an adult.

unstabletoddler · 03/07/2021 02:10

@Kanaloa

Right?! How come you didn't say at the time what about the loan?!

BarbaraofSeville · 03/07/2021 04:13

I understand paying for his pilot training if you had an inheritance, but why on earth did you buy a car for someone on a huge salary that pays no rent? He had plenty of money for a lifestyle that most can only dream of.

Hopefully he'll be able to go back to being a pilot sometime in the near future, but he might need refresher training, so that's what he should be doing with most of his redundancy money, putting it aside for that, along with repaying your £11k.

If you're wealthy or even just comfortable, I do understand letting him live rent free while he's a low earner, that alone is more than generous. He should be able to manage on a basic wage if he's not paying rent.

I'd make it very clear you expect him to repay the £11k, also suggest he might want to put money aside if he needs to pay for pilot refresher training and caution against upgrading an already expensive car while he's low earner.

ElephantMoth · 03/07/2021 04:40

Other supermarket workers still have to pay to live @2389Champ

Bogeyes · 03/07/2021 04:45

He's taking the piss

Lampzade · 03/07/2021 04:55

He needs to start paying some sort of rent .
As others have pointed out, he earned £4.5k a month as a single man and is still relying on mummy and daddy . What the hell has he done with all that money?
He will rinse you dry if you are not careful
Op, I hate to be brutal because you sound like a good mother, but your son is simply spoiled and entitled. He needs some tough love.

NoSquirrels · 03/07/2021 05:01

@2389Champ

Ah ha.

So, his girlfriend is frustrated with his attitude to money (rightly), has pointed out he still owes you £11K and they’re living rent-free and told him he should ask your opinion.

Or he’s asking your opinion of his own volition just to get an ally.

And you didn’t do what he was certain you’d do, so now he’s taking it out on you.

I’d be really blunt. I’d tell him exactly how hurt I was by his comments about being manipulative and controlling and interfering. I’d remind him he bloody well asked for my opinion. And id remind him he owes £11,000 on the car as it is, which you’re not much in the mood to forgive the debt now he’s shown his attitude towards you. And I’d remind him of the going market rent on the property, and that you won’t be letting it to him for free forever so if he doesn’t like your manipulative interference in his financial affairs he’s going to like it even less when he’s paying rent…

You’re clearly wealthy and obviously if you have means to making your children’s lives easier is what we’d all do. But at 25 he really doesn’t seem to have a clue about real-world economics and he needs to learn. The future is not guaranteed for any of us and being bailed out by your parents is not a good look on an otherwise capable adult.

SpeakingFranglais · 03/07/2021 05:05

You know he has no intention of paying you the 11k. You have allowed him to become accustomed to the high life with no consequences or appreciation of money.

You need to put your foot down and get the 11k back and get some rent of him. Where’s his drive going to be if he doesn’t have to pay anything back?

friskybivalves · 03/07/2021 05:23

'normally a great guy and very caring'. hmm - you don't say? To the parents who bankrolled my pilot training, sports car and housing, no questions asked? But who is then quick to reveal instant and unattractive spite and petulance when thwarted.

I agree with all the rest, OP. Except to say that it sounds from what you say that you may not only have a DS problem but also a DH problem if he is inclined to be softer about this than you.

It's the rudeness that would get me - or rather what it reveals. He didn't care what it exposed about his character, no matter how unattractive. I want; I deserve; I shall have. Greed is good.

Fine - as long as that's the overall family ethos.

velvetyfeet · 03/07/2021 05:57

He's an idiot, I wasn't ever charged rent by my parents and wouldn't plan on doing so with my dc either. But if I was wasteful with money, showed no financial savvy whatsoever I know that situation would have changed and I would definitely be changing my tune about the rent too.
I think your dd isn't showing the best financial savvy right now!

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