Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:
Briarshollow · 02/07/2021 20:12

I can’t help but feel deeply sorry for whomever gets into a relationship with him in the future. He’ll be a nightmare.

luxxlisbon · 02/07/2021 20:14

Let’s see how interfering and controlling you are when you aren’t financially covering him. Tell him he can spend the money how he wants but from today he pays you market rent on the house or you will let it to someone else.
He can’t live rent free in mummy’s house, expect 11k handouts for sports cars and then cry “manipulative and controlling” when you advise him not to spend his redundancy on a fancier car.

Iloveacurry · 02/07/2021 20:14

Of course you’re right. He’s being an idiot to spend even more money on a car. He’s living in cuckoo land.

Scarydinosaurs · 02/07/2021 20:15

What a horrid message to receive. You don’t deserve that. You must be really upset.

Softpebbles · 02/07/2021 20:15

By letting him off the £11k and not charging rent you are enabling his behaviour. I think he needs a bit of a reality check.

swimlyn · 02/07/2021 20:16

Entitled twat I'm afraid... Sad

Hankunamatata · 02/07/2021 20:16

I would just text back - You asked my my opinion don't get annoyed when it's not what you want to hear

paniniswapx3 · 02/07/2021 20:18

Agree with everyone else - he's sound horribly spoilt and entitled. No way would I accept him speaking to me like that at all.

Spunout · 02/07/2021 20:19

Time for some tough love.

Original poster
2389Champ · 02/07/2021 20:20

I think most of you are right.

It has been shit for him (and many others too) over the last 18 months and he’s seen his career that he studied for go down the tubes. However, he’s fortunate that myself and DH both inherited last year so we can support him to a degree. I’m pleased that he took a very basic job in a supermarket rather than sit around feeling sorry for himself but clearly his expectations are still based on a pilot salary - not a sales assistant

DH is even softer than me. He’s saying we can’t move the financial goal posts whilst son is on a very basic salary but I think he needs to learn the value of money.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/07/2021 20:22

Have you asked him “Is it interfering and controlling for us to let you live rent free?”

Summerfun54321 · 02/07/2021 20:25

I think you need to start charging a little rent just to show you’re not a total cash cow.

Cocomarine · 02/07/2021 20:31

You don’t have to move the financial goal posts though. You have to tell him off for being rude to you.

Sure if you have him the £11K then that’s gone. And sure you might want to financially support him in that house now.

But he needs to be told that’s he rude.

And - no more money thrown at him. No wonder he’s an entitled little shit!

WindyWindsor · 02/07/2021 20:32

The reason why he doesn't care if he drains his monetary buffer on a new car is because he knows you'll save him if he gets into financial difficulty.

He's not going to be on the streets homeless or struggling to eat, you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about if that's how you're feeling.

It sounds like you're considering apologising for giving a sensible opinion that he asked for?

Even if you don't agree to start making him pay for some of the rent/car, your question was is it wrong to suggest he uses his money sensibly in this situation, of course it isn't and you know it isn't. Please please stand your ground and don't apologise.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 02/07/2021 20:32

But the financial goalposts have moved haven’t they? He was out of work & not earning anything at all and you helped him with a free roof over his head. Now he has a job with a salary that many people have to survive on. Plus a decent redundancy package.
Agree with others - it’s time to help him learn to be independent. If you don’t need the money from his rent, maybe put it aside and give it back to him as a surprise when he’s in a position to/wants to buy.
Being his mom doesn’t mean you should put up with being spoken to in that way. Very hurtful.

Svalberg · 02/07/2021 20:33

"The rent is £xxxx per month, if you can't afford that then let me know and I'll rent it out to someone prepared to pay that. We also need to discuss how you're going to repay me the £11k that I lent you for the car you already have"

CliftonGreenYork · 02/07/2021 20:33

I would question him on why his redundancy is so high? If he is only 25 he can't have worked there very long and £35k is a huge amount.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/07/2021 20:34

He's utterly spoilt.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/07/2021 20:37

Spoilt brat.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/07/2021 20:37

@been.... ditto

Original poster
2389Champ · 02/07/2021 20:39

@CliftonGreenYork

I would question him on why his redundancy is so high? If he is only 25 he can't have worked there very long and £35k is a huge amount.
He worked for the airline for 6 years and he got 30 days salary for each year so a very good package.

He went from training into a salary of £4500 PM so I really think he has no idea what the real world gets.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 02/07/2021 20:40

I would say you need to repay the 11k loan before changing your car

ARealTrip · 02/07/2021 20:42

I would say to him if he’s going to speak to you like that then you want the £11k back as it was a loan and market rent is xxx

skodadoda · 02/07/2021 20:42

@AnneLovesGilbert

He owes you 11k before he can consider upgrading his car.

I’d be tempted to reply that he’s being manipulative and shockingly entitled and immature to try and punish you for an opinion he requested and that if he wants to be treated like the adult he is he can start by repaying his debts and funding the roof over his head.

How hurtful. Everyone’s had a shit 18 months but he’s been paying no rent so he’s in a much better position than most and the thanks you’re getting is being spoken to like shit by a 25 year old man who’s prioritising a shiny new toy over his financial responsibilities.

He’s he some growing up to do and he won’t do it if you keep propping him up.

Cut the apron strings and you’ll be doing him a favour.

OP, you know you have to start giving some tough love. ‘Rather cross’! I would be absolutely fuming and giving him a good earful.
MareMare · 02/07/2021 20:44

@HalzTangz

I would say you need to repay the 11k loan before changing your car
I think that’s very reasonable. Most pilots who spend their early careers repaying huge loans have to be very frugal.