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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 05/07/2021 07:08

@2389Champ. You are right your ds does need to learn the value of money.
It is a shame your dh is not supporting you on this. I would be hurt and annoyed as you are with your ds in your shoes. And with my unsupportive dh.

The 'basic salary' as he puts it is a very normal salary for a lot of people who have more than just themselves to be responsible for.

Original poster
2389Champ · 05/07/2021 10:15

@JeansShirtJeansJacket

Well done OP.

It's fine to help out your kids financially, even as adults, but you always need to be thinking about how it's affecting them. Make sure you are actually helping them to get back on their feet, and not just throwing money into a blackhole with nothing to show for it.

That’s a very good point.

I had a long call with son yesterday and we thrashed out the whole scenario. There is a fine line between helping someone get back on their feet - which I had been doing - and inadvertently indulging them.

I reminded him that whilst I didn’t want to present him with a ‘bar bill’ of what we had spent on him over the years, the fact that we had paid for his pilot training meant he had no monthly outgoings for loans - which is worth a massive amount in its self, plus him living rent free in our second property had effectively cost us £22k in lost income already.

He clearly needed a wake up call as he apologised profusely, admitted he had been very thoughtless and very much regretted his comments to me. He agreed that he had come across as very spoilt and entitled and had got a bit of ‘gold fever’ about this car.

Interestingly, DH agreed that I was right to get tough, although his view still tends to be if we’ve got the money, why not help? I’m still of the opinion, it’s not the money, it’s the principle and If we’re not careful, we will create a monster. Luckily, we have not got there yet as son has taken on board everything that has been said and confessed that as well as myself and his gf, a couple of his friends had told h8m he was mad to even consider the purchase roo.

OP posts:
claralara42 · 05/07/2021 10:20

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

I would tell him I'm so sorry for manipulating him and controlling him by subsidising him for so long,and that I will stop immediately. So does he want to pay market rent or leave? And obviously he'll want to give you the 11k as you've been so awful, he'll want to cut ties financially....

Sssloou · 05/07/2021 10:26

Well done on having an assertive and constructive conversation with your son.

However this comment raised an eyebrow for me:

“Interestingly, DH agreed that I was right to get tough,”

I bet he did - saved him having to step up and do the dirty work. Watch that one.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/07/2021 10:26

That's great OP and while it might not feel like it at the moment, it will probably improve your relationship with your DS going forward, as well as his GF, sister and friends thinking more of him and him being more self reliant.

He's had a huge shock in the effect of the pandemic on his income and lifestyle, he probably thought he'd be in well paid work for as long as he wanted, and possibly also that he'd be in line for a big inheritence from you when the time comes, so all he has to do in the meantime is enjoy spending his earnings.

Hopefully he'll be able to go back to being a pilot before too long, after all, there's plenty of us eager for people like him to be able to take us on lots of holidays.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 10:38

Well done OP.

He was well established in cloud cookoo land if he had forgotten about living rent free.

He sounds like a nice young man, it would be awful for him to morph into a delusional twat that expects a large inheritance that kills his natural ambition.

Original poster
2389Champ · 05/07/2021 10:51

@Sssloou

Well done on having an assertive and constructive conversation with your son.

However this comment raised an eyebrow for me:

“Interestingly, DH agreed that I was right to get tough,”

I bet he did - saved him having to step up and do the dirty work. Watch that one.

Unfortunately, DH has always been one to avoid confrontation and it was always the same when our children were growing up. I was always the disciplinarian and the one on the case about homework, time spent the computer, saying no etc.

Even son jokingly commented yesterday that the pair of us were always good cop, bad cop.

I’m afraid DH’s tendency is always been to say, “We should have done this, said that, not let whatever happen” Drives me mad - but that’s another story.

OP posts:
MrsToothyBitch · 05/07/2021 11:07

I'm relieved he's seen the light Smile

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/07/2021 11:10

Glad you had the conversation. I think your DS has just realised which side his bread is buttered. I'd be interested to know if he actually does pay you back for the car.

Sssloou · 05/07/2021 11:16

“Unfortunately, DH has always been one to avoid confrontation and it was always the same when our children were growing up. I was always the disciplinarian and the one on the case about homework, time spent the computer, saying no etc.”

Yes you have been dumped on by your DH - so you have had to do unbalanced and unsupported parenting to pick up your DH slack .... that’s where you needed to be disciplinarian (probably against your natural tendency) .... and that’s possibly why your DS can easily (erroneously) call you controlling, interfering and manipulative...and bad cop. Not fair on you.

Justilou1 · 05/07/2021 13:04

@2389Champ - I ended up in marriage counselling because of the same pattern of good cop/bad cop followed by the “we should haves”… I became so resentful of “Mr People Pleaser” being unable to step up to the plate that I delegated all school responsibility (homework, lunches, sporting events, taxi driving, birthday parties and present shopping, school uniform buying and washing, teacher meetings - unless he was away for work, he was in charge of doing everything…) for an entire semester to him and told him that if the kids’ grades slipped, I was gone. Amazing what the guy managed to pull together in the end. 😁 He now has a much better appreciation for everything I have done and still do - and we work better as a team. I am still the default working brain of the family, but I frequently go on brain strike and insist that he use his.

Original poster
2389Champ · 05/07/2021 13:18

[quote Justilou1]@2389Champ - I ended up in marriage counselling because of the same pattern of good cop/bad cop followed by the “we should haves”… I became so resentful of “Mr People Pleaser” being unable to step up to the plate that I delegated all school responsibility (homework, lunches, sporting events, taxi driving, birthday parties and present shopping, school uniform buying and washing, teacher meetings - unless he was away for work, he was in charge of doing everything…) for an entire semester to him and told him that if the kids’ grades slipped, I was gone. Amazing what the guy managed to pull together in the end. 😁 He now has a much better appreciation for everything I have done and still do - and we work better as a team. I am still the default working brain of the family, but I frequently go on brain strike and insist that he use his.[/quote]
Nail on the head I’m afraid, and I appreciate you posting this.

When son visited to discuss the potential car purchase, DH was agreeing how fabulous it looked and discussing the finer points with him. I honestly believe that was almost giving son tacit approval. After son left, DH said to me that he wasn’t sure it was wise that he was thinking of this purchase and using his redundancy this way. I could have screamed because I was the only one being “bad cop” and expressing my reservations. I honestly think we were sending son mixed messages - although that’s no excuse for son’s lash out.

Unfortunately, this is history with us. DH’s discipline has always been inconsistent and not good at boundaries. He’s laughed at some of the bad behaviour from our kids, then got cross when it’s gone too far.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 05/07/2021 13:32

Yes I am familiar with this dynamic in my life.

I described it as doing TREBLE the discipline workload - because I was doing my half, his half and then another third load because of the resultant shitty behaviors of children who try to exploit the gap in the good cop bad cop system.....

It’s difficult as you have to up the ante because they don’t contribute and you become the exhausted, angry parent that you don’t want to be.

They are happy to either throw you under the bus (or let you throw yourself under the bus) as it meets their needs by avoiding any emotional discomfort. This may all be unconscious on their behalf - but it’s v convenient for them to present always a “Mr Nice Guy” - when the reality is that they are infact v self preserving and disingenuous.

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2021 14:28

Well done, OP. I’m really pleased you and DS have had it out and understood each other without falling out. I think framing it in terms of what you have freely given and not asked for compensation for is a wake-up for him. He sounds like he’s gained a bit of perspective and will tread rather more carefully around saying insensitive things - as well as not buying daft new cars!

QueenBee52 · 05/07/2021 15:32

Did you get the £11k back 🌸

Original poster
2389Champ · 05/07/2021 16:30

@QueenBee52

Did you get the £11k back 🌸
I did! Arrived in my account today!
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 05/07/2021 17:32

@2389Champ

Great news... Im really happy for you.. and Im glad you have had a good conversation with your Son..

I hope he is able to return to the Skies soon 🌸

Biker47 · 05/07/2021 18:48

He IS actively looking for alternative employment and would consider a career change too. That’s one good thing!

Seems like a waste of what; £70-90k worth of pilots training if he changes career at 25.

Billandben444 · 05/07/2021 19:00

OP, well done and a good result for you both. Having read all your posts, your son isn't "a spoilt and entitled brat" but someone who has grown accustomed to being supported (enabled by you) and just needed you to give his head a good wobble for him to apologise profusely and do the right thing. He sounds a decent young man who's now on the right track.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 05/07/2021 19:27

What is wrong with you woman? You have an asset that could earn you money and are giving that away for a son that doesn't give two hoots.
Tell him to buy the bloody car if he wants but to also expect to pay the going rate of rent on the property from 1st August, no excuses or he finds somewhere else to live.
It's lovely that you are thinking of him and his situation but he isn't thinking about you at all in this. He is an adult, start treating him like one.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/07/2021 19:28

Great result. Am pleased for you

EKGEMS · 05/07/2021 19:37

It sounds like it's been resolved perfectly. Your husband is a disappointment. If your son wants to remain a pilot the freight and commercial airlines are desperate for employees here in the states!

belle40 · 05/07/2021 19:58

Another one who wonders what on earth happened to the 4.5 K a month. Did he save nothing at all?

I would also give a choice: repayment of 11K or rent payment.

Time for your son to behave as an adult.

Standrewsschool · 05/07/2021 20:01

Well done on getting the money back! I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting you to get it back so soon (if at all!).

Illogicalmadness · 05/07/2021 21:16

Lock that money in a 3 month notice deposit account so you can't easily access. Now he knows you have it, he might ask to borrow it again.