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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

252 replies

2389Champ · 02/07/2021 19:41

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

OP posts:
redastherose · 02/07/2021 20:45

Yes like other posters say he needs to grow up. I think you need a conversation to say that you loaned him £11k for his existing car so you would like your loan repaid and then you need to discuss how much rent you want to charge for his ongoing rental of your property. He can be as affronted as he likes but he's living beyond his means and making you responsible for keeping him in the manner to which he has become accustomed.

stuntfarter · 02/07/2021 20:46

I think you need to be tough

1 ask and expect to get the 11k back
2 charge him a rent , maybe not the full amount you could expect but enough that he has to watch his spending

Yes he's had a rotten time , so have lots of people , great he's taken a job to keep him going in the meanwhile
Presumably he intends to continue his flying career when things eventually pick up , he will have considerable expenditures to put himself back into an employment position , possible new type rating , hours to stay current , medical etc etc none are cheap and will bite firmly into he's £35 k so if you have managed to get your £11 k and some rent you could have it available as a backup

He no doubt is feeling quite depressed but he would be feeling a lot worse when he has nothing after he's blown it all

myfuckingfreezer · 02/07/2021 20:47

Presumably he offered to pay you back the £11k loan first?

GettingItOutThere · 02/07/2021 20:52

he needs to pay you back the 11k out of his redundancy, then start paying you rent, then he can buy whatever he wants when hes paying his way.

hes 25, time to grow up and stop enabling him

theemmadilemma · 02/07/2021 20:53

My Mum would have said 'Will you be able to afford that after paying me back?'. And that would be that clear. 😂

She'd have been right as always though.

TheRosariojewels · 02/07/2021 20:54

Unbelievable. Cut the apron strings now it will only get worse.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/07/2021 20:55

You’ve spoilt him so he is acting spoilt. Why are you surprised?

girlmom21 · 02/07/2021 20:57

I'd ask him for the £11k and tell him to do what he likes with the rest of his money, but tell him not to come to you for advice/money if he's going to throw it back in your face in future.

gingerandproud4always · 02/07/2021 20:58

I hope he's an only child!

chickenyhead · 02/07/2021 20:58

I am so sorry that he treats you this way OP Flowers

I understand the drive as parents to support him, but he needs to live in reality. At present, he isn't a pilot, he is a supermarket worker and needs to live according to that.

He is 25. What were you doing at 25? Did you expect to have your bottom wiped for you by mummy?

IF he had got himself in to a position of actually paying rent and covering his expenses, repaying you for your kind generosity, then maybe I would support him, with caveats.

He seems to be very entitled and not in the least worried about repayment or providing due rent. He sees your money as his money and wants it now rather than waiting for inheritance.

You really shouldn't support this or fund such a pointless item, when he cannot even live independently. You will simply reinforce the superiority of his demands.

bullyingadvice2017 · 02/07/2021 20:58

Loads of family's have to manage on much less money with 4 or more people to pay for. Lazy spoilt man child

DeciduousPerennial · 02/07/2021 21:04

I’d have told him to trade it in for something small and cheap to run, put the excess with his redundancy money and start living within his means.

He’s TWENTY FIVE.

FFS.

newnortherner111 · 02/07/2021 21:04

Manchild or a man insecure about the size of part of his body, take your pick.

At least I know he didn't work for Ryanair, as he'd probably have wanted payment for you giving him an opinion!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/07/2021 21:08

Spoilt manchild. Start charging him rent. He needs to pay you back your £11k

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 02/07/2021 21:08

Well, you have been incredibly kind, and while he doesn't, 'owe' you, he does seem to have a bit of a teenager mentality.

I think you need to choose your battles, and ask him to decide whether he pays you back for the car, which he can easily do, or pay market value for the property he lives in.

His choice.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 21:09

"while he doesn't, 'owe' you"

I think you'll find he does!!

UmamiMammy · 02/07/2021 21:11

He needs a big reality check!!!

He needs to join the real world and learn the value of money...........you have made it too easy for him.

MrsWooster · 02/07/2021 21:13

When he pays you the 11k and pays a reasonable rent then you can back off and let him make his own choices about money…

Redcart21 · 02/07/2021 21:15

I’m sorry, you are doing him no favours at all. He’s 25, so what he has lost his job. He has another and he should be finding other ways to pay his way by thinking out the box instead of relying on his parents. He is going to be a nightmare boyfriend one day if you continue treating him this way- he’s the type of male that girls should avoid. Cut the apron strings, it’s for his own good

FelicityBob · 02/07/2021 21:16

If he’s been earning £4500 a month for several years then where has all that money gone?
He owes you 11 grand. How did covid stop him paying you back?
Why can’t he afford to pay you rent? People who work in supermarkets do manage to pay their rent!

viques · 02/07/2021 21:19

@TeddingtonTrashbag

Honestly I would be happy for him to have the car. Is a really tough time now for 20 somethings. Life is short and it sounds like you don’t need the money. My DS has left uni and started his first job. Living with us because Covid, innit. Won’t charge him rent ‘cos we don’t need the money. Cut them some slack,
Which is fair enough, but the OP is already owed £11,000 for the first car, paid for his training and doesn’t charge him rent. And now he is shouting at her and being abusive.

I think that’s quite enough slack to compensate for Covid and if I was the Op I would start hauling a bit of that slack back onto my side, starting with him repaying the car loan from the £35,000 he has stashed in his bank account.

minniebin · 02/07/2021 21:19

Is he going to end up having the 2nd property?

Rubyrecka · 02/07/2021 21:22

He's a spoilt adult child.

minniebin · 02/07/2021 21:23

Thing is if the OP is wealthy & the son will inherit everything I'm not sure how you can unteach being spoiled if that makes sense.

I have a cousin who is a right brat & completely irresponsible but her parents are millionaires & they won't ever stop bailing her out because they are millionaires.

Original poster
2389Champ · 02/07/2021 21:23

He has a long term girlfriend who lives with him, feels exactly the same way and is upset about his car plans too. She is not British and came back with him when he returned to the U.K. She tries to contribute by doing online lessons and translations so I think it winds her up when she’s trying to do her bit

OP posts: