AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

[2389Champ]

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

I think he knows it’s wrong and was testing the water rather than showing up with the car and you finding out that way. I think it was lovely of you letting him live there rent free but I would be inclined to charge a small rent to him, especially that he is earning now.

Hope you're able to discuss this without it causing a rift

I know a few pilots. They love their job, it pays (or did) well. They work hard. But for most people who want to be pilots, it's a dream they can't achieve because of the cost. Or the cost scares them off.

I think your son doesn't appreciate how lucky he was, to not only achieve his dream. But to have a well paying job, without the debt to pay off. He has had all the positives of the job, but not big the big negative of handling the debt. He only got the good bits.

What's happening in his industry, is shit and its great he got a job. But again, as you are looking after him financially, he isn't facing upto what's really going on again. He is used to you picking up and fixing anything financial that holds him back.

In his head, the 35k is easy come easy go, because he is assuming he will be back at work and will have another 35k, in less than a year. And if he doesn't and spend the money. He will still be ok. Isn't going to think about being sensible with it. Because he doesn't need to.

The back lash at you, is because both you and his girlfriend wouldn't tell him what a good idea it was. You didn't side with her. You both had an independent opinion that happened to be the same.

And yes, it's been a shit 18 months. So yes he might be wanting to do something to make him feel excited and cheer him up. But there's loads he could do, to give himself a pick me up, that is so much cheaper.

He needs to accept he isn't a pilot at the moment. He can't live as though he has a pilots wage and needs to think about the future. But he doesn't need to really, because you will pick him anyway.

And it must be difficult. If I had the cash, I would probably my do similar. I think most people would. Who would see their kids struggle when they have the means to fix it?

Also remember a bit of the anger he is directing at you is, probably, really aimed at the whole situation and covid in general.

But things need to change. It's not ok for him to do this.

@HaveringWavering

Ah hold on, no I didn’t mean the £11k I meant the training cost, why was that not paid back when he started earning good money?

Do you have any other children? Could a sibling maybe knock some sense into him re how he is treating you?

Yes, he has an older sister who has received similar help from us over the years for different things - we paid off her university loans and gave her a decent deposit for her first home - to ensure we were fair to them both - but she has a totally different attitude. She has always been more independent and once she was earning, has never asked for additional support.

@2389Champ

Do you have any inkling as to where his pilot salary has gone - 4.5k/mth for 6 yrs is a lot of money, yet he doesn’t seem to have any savings? He should have paid you back the 11k a long time ago.

We have young adult children, one a graduate just started working (from home at moment), one working in retail whilst deciding what to do (Covid scuppered travel plans) - we have not charged rent up to now, as long as they save, but the difference to your son is that they DO save, and neither have any entitlement.

The graduate also wants to work in aviation, he was very lucky to land a year in industry in his chosen aviation field, earning 17.5k, living away, and managed to save then too, plus from a retail job he got in lockdown 1.

So it seems astonishing that your son has no savings from his 6yrs working as a pilot?

I do understand the wish to help them if you can, we are very comfortable and don’t need to charge rent, but I am trying to ensure that they understand how fortunate they are and build up a savings pot for when they do move out.

And do he and his sister get on, or talk much? If yes then, if I were you I might just happen to tell her how this whole episode has upset you and see if she might have a word.

He asked for your opinion, and you gave it. He shouldn’t be cross with your though it’s obvious it not what he wanted to hear. It is nice to treat yourself when you have an influx of money, but when you owe money on the car already, and don’t have financial security, it’s a bit cheeky.

Incidently, I don’t see any problem with you supporting his pilots course and housing him. Training to be pilot is expensive. However, if he’d gone to uni, you would have supported him then, so it’s the same principle (although cheaper).

I think I would also let him live in the flat rent free if I was in your situation. You say he’s paying his food and bills so he’s not sponging off op totally.

You’ve been a supportive mother.

I'd be cross. Would be different if you'd just offered up the opinion without being asked (although tbh as a parent I can understand that too!)

However he actually asked what you thought and you told him so I don't see how he can berate you for that.

I think I'd be saying 'don't ask a question if you don't really want to hear the answer.'

As pp have said, he needs to repay the £11k and start paying rent before he treats himself to a new car.

I'm sympathetic that he was living quite a wealthy and exciting life, and now works in a supermarket, but now is not the time to bolster his ego with an expensive purchase.

I expect he isn't worried about his financial situation because he knows you'll just keep coughing up.

He needs to read a few money management books. Cars are the one thing you don’t buy as they are depreciating assets
I think most financially astute people would buy a property and rent it out and use the rent money to fund the car lease. That way in 4 years time you have an asset worth the same or more as opposed to a car that is losing money every day it is sat on the driveway

He needs to start looking to the future. Does he want to continue in the job he has or does he want to retrain/keep his training up to date for when things get properly back to normal and the world opens up again.
Marriage children, his own house.
Whilst he had lost a lot he atm has a sum of money burning a hole in his pocket.
He could invest it wisely and eventually buy an even better car, buy himself an even better house but these are long term things and he doesn’t realise how lucky he is to be in the position he is in
Supportive parents, a gf who has her head screwed on and a free roof over his head.

All credit to him getting a job and it must have been hard not doing the job he loved and seeing his career disintegrate infront of him but he needs to adjust his reality and start replanning his future and not squandering something that might just get himself out of the hole he is in by showing off to people who he works with.

I know this might not be what is happening but do you think a new upgraded sports car is something that he can drive to work and in his mind show his co workers that he is a cut above them. He isn’t a shelf stacker but a pilot who just happens to be stacking shelves for a living.
I think the new car is for his self esteem more than anything.

Whilst I think it would be an awful financial decision to buy the new car I can somehow see why he wants it.
I think he would be better off paying for some career advice and therapy to get him to work through the awful shock he has had in seeing his high flying career go up in smoke and ending up stacking shelves in the local supermarket

I think your son doesn't appreciate how lucky he was, to not only achieve his dream. But to have a well paying job, without the debt to pay off. He has had all the positives of the job, but not big the big negative of handling the debt. He only got the good bits

^^ This. I've read about pilots who have remortgaged their houses to pay tens of thousands in training costs and now are out of work, or in low paid jobs and struggling to support a family with a big mortgage.

Given that the OPs DS must personally know people in this position, he must be very self centered to not realise how comparatively fortunate he is.

of course he needs to pay you back, a lump sum would be easier.
what on earth do his work colleagues think of his car?

I think he’s acting so entitled because you have enabled him to be entitled, basically. You’re trying to be kind which I appreciate but at 25 he should be paying rent and you shouldn’t be propping him up with 11k towards a silly sports car. The 35k is obviously his to spend however he wishes but I would quit letting him live rent free.

You need to get the £11k you're owed, and start charging him rent.

My DB was like this and without being hurtful or was down to my DP who spoilt him. He was just utterly shit with money as a result because he never really had to take responsibility, there was always someone there to bail him out. He borrowed money then bought expensive things before laying it back. The thought of spending money on a new car when you are not even paying rent is just ridiculous. I worry my kids will end up like this too but they are too young yet to know. I want to buy them their first car, give them a deposit etc but it always worries me they will end up like my DB. I won't go in to what happened in the end but I have learned lessons.

Also, given that there's probably a lot of pilots financially struggling at the moment due to redundancy or reduced income, ie if they've been furloughed, the maximum £2500 will have been a significant drop in income, any fellow pilot friends probably view this potential shiny new car as insensitive or financially reckless rather than impressive if they see it.

Might that thought be the way to get him to think again OP?

I must admit that the background to the current sports car makes me laugh a bit- imagine you met a bloke with a flashy car and were all impressed then found out that his Mummy had paid for most of it!

Son, if you didn't live in my house rent free and didn't owe me 11k I might have a different opinion

@Mayaspecialist

I know a few pilots. They love their job, it pays (or did) well. They work hard. But for most people who want to be pilots, it's a dream they can't achieve because of the cost. Or the cost scares them off.

I think your son doesn't appreciate how lucky he was, to not only achieve his dream. But to have a well paying job, without the debt to pay off. He has had all the positives of the job, but not big the big negative of handling the debt. He only got the good bits.

What's happening in his industry, is shit and its great he got a job. But again, as you are looking after him financially, he isn't facing upto what's really going on again. He is used to you picking up and fixing anything financial that holds him back.

In his head, the 35k is easy come easy go, because he is assuming he will be back at work and will have another 35k, in less than a year. And if he doesn't and spend the money. He will still be ok. Isn't going to think about being sensible with it. Because he doesn't need to.

The back lash at you, is because both you and his girlfriend wouldn't tell him what a good idea it was. You didn't side with her. You both had an independent opinion that happened to be the same.

And yes, it's been a shit 18 months. So yes he might be wanting to do something to make him feel excited and cheer him up. But there's loads he could do, to give himself a pick me up, that is so much cheaper.

He needs to accept he isn't a pilot at the moment. He can't live as though he has a pilots wage and needs to think about the future. But he doesn't need to really, because you will pick him anyway.

And it must be difficult. If I had the cash, I would probably my do similar. I think most people would. Who would see their kids struggle when they have the means to fix it?

Also remember a bit of the anger he is directing at you is, probably, really aimed at the whole situation and covid in general.

But things need to change. It's not ok for him to do this.

This is very true.

He was absolutely gutted, having achieved the dream and then to have it taken away and I’m sure the car purchase is a quick fix to make himself feel better about a shit situation.

I’ve possibly painted a very negative picture of him, he generally is a really great son. He was accepted into flight school, worked hard and qualified at a very early age but it’s quite possible that it was also a too much, too soon situation. He walked straight into a job where he was on huge bucks from the word go, so he’s never worked his way up the ladder and this has been a massive reality check. He’s lived an almost artificial life for the past 6 years and come down to Earth with a massive bump.

He will never grow up unless he has to

In helping him so much, you are not doing him any favours

My BIL is 45 and still depends on his DF, (“until he sorts himself out”). His DF bought him a flat to live, another flat to rent out (so BIL has that as a steady income) , yet BIL still needs constant top ups. He’s highly educated but just never had to sort himself out, so does not feel he has to. In his words:”my parents like to help me out, it makes them happy”

To hear a 45 yr old say “my dad will pay for this” is just sad, imo, but it looks that’s where you are heading too

@AnneLovesGilbert

He owes you 11k before he can consider upgrading his car.

I’d be tempted to reply that he’s being manipulative and shockingly entitled and immature to try and punish you for an opinion he requested and that if he wants to be treated like the adult he is he can start by repaying his debts and funding the roof over his head.

How hurtful. Everyone’s had a shit 18 months but he’s been paying no rent so he’s in a much better position than most and the thanks you’re getting is being spoken to like shit by a 25 year old man who’s prioritising a shiny new toy over his financial responsibilities.

He’s he some growing up to do and he won’t do it if you keep propping him up.

Cut the apron strings and you’ll be doing him a favour.

Couldn’t have said it better.

We’re a family of four with the primary breadwinner working for an airline. No one is cutting us any slack.

Pictures on social media always show BIL at fancy holidays, also paid by his dad, a bit like your DS with the car. He’s just learned to be a piss taker, because he can

I would suggest that he puts the redund9payout to clear debts and for a house deposit. Stick it in a savings account while thinking about what to do.

@TeddingtonTrashbag

Honestly I would be happy for him to have the car. Is a really tough time now for 20 somethings. Life is short and it sounds like you don’t need the money. My DS has left uni and started his first job. Living with us because Covid, innit. Won’t charge him rent ‘cos we don’t need the money. Cut them some slack,

There's cutting slack, then there's taking the piss. He owes OP £11,000 and she's losing money because he's in her rental property paying fuck all. Yeah he can spend his money on what he wants but his priorities should be paying his mum back and paying his way, and THEN seeing if he can afford a new car. Why should OP be thousands of pounds out of pocket while he's jobless and driving a flashy car?

@HaveringWavering

Your comment about the car reminds me of a colleague years ago. He was bragging about his top of the range sports car, that he openly admitted his inlaws had financed.

He told me it cost xxK and made some comment about me never affording something like that (without an inkling of our finances 😂)

Given that at the time I drove a car that cost more, bought for cash and could have bought his car 6 times over with savings, I still wonder why I didn’t come back with a withering put down.

I think I was just too gobsmacked at his arrogant comments and that he couldn’t see the irony of bragging about a car bought by wife’s mummy and daddy!!