AIBU to make a comment about son’s car?

[2389Champ]

My 25 year old son has just been made redundant by his airline after 15 months of no pay. He was based overseas, came back to the U.K. and managed to get a supermarket job here to earn some income. At long last his company has paid him redundancy of £35k.

He lives in a second property I own and pays no rent - my suggestion - but covers all his bills etc. On his current salary, there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already.

He contacted me last weekend and said he wanted to visit me to discuss what he wanted to do with the money. He has a beautiful 3 year 3ltr old sports car (that I put £11k towards and he said he’d pay me back but Covid stopped that!) and he asked me what I thought about him trading it in for an even more expensive car, with the same size engine - so no saving on costs! As he had asked me, I said my instinct would be to keep the funds as a buffer until the industry picks up and then think about new cars etc.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

My instinct is he knows it’s not the sensible choice but wanted me to endorse his decision and give it my blessing - which clearly I haven’t done - but AIBU being rather cross with his attitude?

“It is wonderful you’ve finally had a pay out and now it’s time to ask for the 11k loan back and to start charging a reduced market rent.

I imagine pilots will all need a refresher course once the restrictions are lifted and I trust you won’t be needing my help with this again as you now have savings.

It is true you can spend your money as you choose. However, please do not presume to decide how to spend mine.”

Your son quite frankly is a shit. I’d tell him he can pay back the £11,000 and either get a different job and start paying rent and bills like a real adult or sell his car to do so and and then move out when his money’s gone. I have no time for that kind of crap.

I was incredibly gently treated by my parents when I was at home as an adult after a rough patch. But I knew it and would never have dreamed of borrowing that much money to buy a car- and then traded it in for a bigger bucks one before I'd paid my loan back!

It's not about the car itself though. He is feeling low, wanted a treat to feel good about himself and you didn't enable it. He also knows it's wrong on some level or he wouldn't have asked you. I think he wanted someone to blame. Time for a reality check.

I would very evenly tell him that you're not interfering but that he did ask for your opinion and since he's an adult, you thought he could take it. So, if he has the money to splash on a new car, he can give you back the 11k he owes you asap- lump sum from his redundancy should cover it. He can also clearly afford to start paying market rate rent. If he can't do that, he needs to move to somewhere he can afford to pay market rate rent. Struggling or suddenly reluctant to dip into his savings? Selling his nice car and buying a run around should provide some money more to at least part pay you and free up some funds. A car might be a necessity but a luxury model is precisely that- a luxury, which he currently doesn't have the money for.

He needs to learn that debt is always a priority. Anyone with an ounce of sense and obligation would have immediately flogged the nice car to try and pay off debt in his situation. He will also have learnt one very important life lesson from this, too. World doesn't revolve around him, and rocking the boat or drawing attention to yourself can bring negative change as well as positive!

Never ask for an opinion if you don't want to hear the answer. I'd write/email "You can, of course, buy whatever car you like but you need to factor in a payment plan to reimburse me for the existing one - £500 a month works for me unless you'd prefer to clear it in a lump sum?"

@MrsToothyBitch

I was incredibly gently treated by my parents when I was at home as an adult after a rough patch. But I knew it and would never have dreamed of borrowing that much money to buy a car- and then traded it in for a bigger bucks one before I'd paid my loan back!

It's not about the car itself though. He is feeling low, wanted a treat to feel good about himself and you didn't enable it. He also knows it's wrong on some level or he wouldn't have asked you. I think he wanted someone to blame. Time for a reality check.

I would very evenly tell him that you're not interfering but that he did ask for your opinion and since he's an adult, you thought he could take it. So, if he has the money to splash on a new car, he can give you back the 11k he owes you asap- lump sum from his redundancy should cover it. He can also clearly afford to start paying market rate rent. If he can't do that, he needs to move to somewhere he can afford to pay market rate rent. Struggling or suddenly reluctant to dip into his savings? Selling his nice car and buying a run around should provide some money more to at least part pay you and free up some funds. A car might be a necessity but a luxury model is precisely that- a luxury, which he currently doesn't have the money for.

He needs to learn that debt is always a priority. Anyone with an ounce of sense and obligation would have immediately flogged the nice car to try and pay off debt in his situation. He will also have learnt one very important life lesson from this, too. World doesn't revolve around him, and rocking the boat or drawing attention to yourself can bring negative change as well as positive!

This

Wow, did you answer him op.

He sounds entitled. I often worry that my lovely DS will be the same. I had very little growing up, and I never wanted my DC to feel the way I did because as a teenager, it affected my self-esteem. I wonder if I have gone too far in the opposite direction...

I think you nailed it in the last paragraph of your original post. You are quite reasonable to say what you did, it just wasn't what he wanted to hear. It is basically like he is seeking permission to do the thing he knows he shouldn't do so you can take responsibility. I have been in this place with my son too. The thing is, he is 25. He needs to take responsibility himself.

He asked you opinion, you have given it. He doesn't like your answer but he is a grown up so can do what he likes. However, it is now his business to sort out whatever the the consequences happen to be. You don't have to bail him out.

I'd guess that he's been working in the Middle East living rent free and having all his bills apart from international phone calls paid for by the airline and earning a tax free salary so he hasn't actually had to pay any bills yet in his 25 years.

Coming back to being sponsored by his parents doesn't seem like a privilege but is just how his life has been up until now.

Either you keep paying for his lifestyle in the hope that he gets another job back there ( which judging from his age and airline seniority is not likely in the medium term) or you start guiding him on how to function in a very different economic climate.

He asked for your opinion - no need for stamping his feet because you didn't give the opinion he wanted. It's up to him what he does with his money, but I would be easing off on any help. He's an adult and needs to behave like one. If he were my DS I would be a lot more than "rather cross" by the way!

there is no way he could afford the equivalent rent but the family come first so I would rather he lived there and kept his independence, This stood out to me. He's not really independent whilst living in one of your properties for free.

otherwise he would have had to live here with me which is tough when you’ve left home once already. There are other choices, the ones that the rest of us have had to make.

I think you sound like you have your head screwed on right OP and I'm sorry he's treated you like this.

How did he not pay you back while he was earning over 60k a year?

You sound lovely,but you're spoiling him and doing him no favours.
Tell him in view of his lack of understanding of financial responsibility he needs to budget to pay rent from August 1at and draw up a proper contract.
You might find he throws his toys out of his box but stand firm,ignore insults and accusations as you are doing him a favour in the long run.
Going on your post,he's only appreciative when he's receiving what he wants with no effort from himself which indicates to me his immaturity and lack of real understanding of how hard many people have to work just to pay basic bills.
Time he grew up.
Good luck,and remember don't give in.

Today, he has messaged me and accused me of being manipulative, interfering and controlling and what he “spends his money on is his own choice” If he hadn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have offered an opinion, so I’m quite stung.

I’d be charging him rent for that bollocks alone. Does he often pull this kind of thing on you or is it only since you let him live rent free in a house of his own?

@Averyyounggrandmaofsix

How did he not pay you back while he was earning over 60k a year?

Or save enough money to buy his own property?

I wouldn’t get into the nitty gritty of the loan and rent free accommodation for him (AND his GF) right now.

I would concentrate on his insulting and disrespectful behaviour to you.

He needs to know that you are hurt by this outburst and these insults and you need to know if he is capable of acknowledging the impact of his words and actions and if he plans to reconsider and apologise, make amends or double down with the insults.

A follow in text is emotionally immature and passive aggressive. He was obviously unable to manage and process his disappointment at the time and own it and instead projected and lashed out to you.

I would concentrate on communicating and discussing your hurt and his behavior right now because this needs the focus. The ins and outs of the money can come later.

Has he behaved like this before?

Reality check required. He needs to pay rent for his accommodation and monthly repayments on your 11k loan then he will understand that with a monthly burn rate on his 35k redundancy money he doesn't have enough to splurge on a new fancy car.
Currently you are enabling him to life a financially free and responsibility free life at 25 he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Yes he's being incredibly childish and ungrateful and his words are very hurtful to you. I'm going against the grain here a bit and advise not to go in immediately with "we're now charging you rent" - that comes across as quite a childish response to you being hurt by his comments - tit for tat if you will. I would be reminding him that he asked for your opinion and you gave it - ask him if he thought his response was respectful and he would be happy if someone said that to him? He certainly needs a reality check but right now, a conversation about his attitude towards you is the thing to start off with, in my opinion.

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He sounds like an utterly entitled man child I'm afraid. If he doesn't want financial advice from you then perhaps he should start funding his own lifestyle.

NoSquirrels, tried to quote you but no success.

I think you’re right - I’ve also had a text from GF expressing her dismay at his attitude and that they’d had a row about it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d hoped I would vindicate his choice and now he’s annoyed because, without realising it, I’ve sided with her. She’s struggled to find work since coming here but does her bit and contributes and it clearly pisses her off when he announces he’s planning on buying another car. She’s very conscious that they don’t pay rent and has been extremely apologetic to me, even though it’s not her that’s the issue,

I haven’t responded yet. Partly because he did shift work last and partly because I’m so annoyed, I want to consider my response calmly and rationally and over the phone rather than by text. He clearly needs to hear what I have to say.

It doesn’t help that DH never likes confrontation and has told me we shouldn’t fall out with him over the money. I agree, but the intention was son would always pay us back the £11k at some point but DH has always said to him ‘whenever’! To me, and because of this scenario, the repayment is more about the principle than the actual money. I can afford to let it go but you’re all so right - and I probably needed vindication too - his attitude is a slap in the face. I truly hope it won’t be a massive rift, but if it is, that will be son’s doing, not mine.

We’ve done so much to enable him to live his dream to be a pilot and he’s always told us that he appreciates our generosity but he seems to have acquired a sense of entitlement, which saddens me.

£35k is a nice little nest egg. I wouldn't be so cavalier with money if it were me. That said I have a couple of extended family members who are privileged enough to live rent free/subsidised in properties their parents own. They're entitled, theres no two ways about it. They both own new cars, spend money on holidays, etc. And then sound mortified when I tell them we can't afford to join them on a trip away because we have a mortgage to pay. He needs to pay rent, nip it in the bud now or he'll never move out. The extended family members I know have been doing it for years, one for 15 years and the other for 8. They have zero intention of moving out and paying for themselves. One of these people is married with children by the way. Both were supposed to be temporary solutions but why move when you've got it so good? Both sets of parents have tried to raise the rent and they get treated as you have already experienced.

Unfortunately your son is not independent or living an independent life.

He has borrowed £11k and it seems your dh and your son are not expecting that money to be paid back

Your son has asked for your opinion and when he didn't like that - he has lashed out at you, thats tough and painful

My advice would be to either write of the £11k as a gift, not lend money again and when asked for an opinion always start with "what do you think would be the best choice for you to do" "how do you see this panning out" as I don't think he wants your opinion but your validation

Kind of scares me to think that someone as immature as this could be flying my plane!

I don my understand why the 11k hasn’t been paid back already.

Ah hold on, no I didn’t mean the £11k I meant the training cost, why was that not paid back when he started earning good money?

Do you have any other children? Could a sibling maybe knock some sense into him re how he is treating you?