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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
grapewine · 03/07/2021 18:38

If you live alone and have no family being ill is an absolute nightmare.

Yes, it is. You're being very kind, OP. But do reply in a way that she realises it won't be a holiday for you.

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 18:40

The don’t discharge when you can’t look after yourself that’s why we have term bed blockers

They do. Continued health care funding? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Butterbeer4All · 03/07/2021 18:40

After having 2 eye surgeries this year and having to spend 3 weeks laying face down, I can tell you it's pretty awful. If you're able to help for a week, that would be very kind of you.

mathanxiety · 03/07/2021 18:49

I like Palavah's response. I would do no cleaning or cooking. Meals can be ordered in for you both at the woman's expense.

However - is the lying face down to be a 24/7 proposition with no possibility of going to the loo independently? Eating independently?

If that's the case, then I would say please find a private nurse for the week.

Nanny0gg · 03/07/2021 19:00

@tanstaafl

I’m just wondering what the operation is that you have to lie face down for a week.
Quite a nasty one. Can’t remember the cause but a friend had it
Nanny0gg · 03/07/2021 19:06

@SmokeyDevil

Even your link suggests she doesn't need round the clock care. It says buy ready meals to make cooking easier, walking is possible for short periods as long as you don't look up etc. She doesn't need your help, she is being a bit lazy to be honest and wants a free servant for a week.

Good luck op. You're a pushover and you'll be forever doing this until you're physically incapable (even then she'll expect you to care for her).

Lazy?

A friend had eye surgery and movement had to be absolutely minimal

God, the lack of sympathy and you know, actual knowledge on this thread is something else!

The OP and this lady sound like siblings who have little in common but are there for each other. She’s already said that the woman would do the same for her

BirdsandBeesmakinghay · 03/07/2021 19:09

I think you have gone beyond what any reasonable person would do already. Enough is enough. There will be more requests down the line if you don't stop this now. She is taking the Mick.

ittakes2 · 03/07/2021 19:12

You can get places that have full time nurses who look after people after operations (although they are expensive).

nimello · 03/07/2021 19:20

@Popetthetreehugger

I think she’s saying in this way to save face to herself ,iyswim . If I were you and I could I would . 😊
I interpreted it in this way, too.
Floogal · 03/07/2021 19:36

Similar thing nearly happened to my dad years ago. Was looking for family holiday. His colleague owned a French gite. He would charge mates rates if he would do some repairs about the place. Needless to say, he said no 😂

Some people like to trick you by making it look like they're doing you a favour

luvvaduck · 03/07/2021 19:37

And it turns out you are right, all those of you who thought the 'holiday' remark was a way of trying to cover her embarrassment at having to ask for help a second time. We had a chat this morning and she said that the moment she sent that message she regretted the reference to a holiday because she knew how far from holiday-like our last experience was. We had a laugh about it and then arranged the day and time I need to go. She's said that when this is all over we'll have a real holiday at her expense and I'm happy to take her up on it. Some of the more negative responses here have made me realise that although we're not best friends, we do mean a lot to each other. I'd like to thank the people who said we are more like sisters than close friends: I think that's a good observation.

So many people have surmised that she wasn't even grateful the first time I helped out and that's so far off the mark it's laughable. I receive flowers each month from her as a thank-you for last year's stint.

I know it takes all sorts to make the world go round, but honestly, there's pleasure to be found in doing something helpful if you can. And on this occasion I can.

OP posts:
ClaireB29 · 03/07/2021 19:44

Love this conclusion to the thread. Well done op xxx

Owl55 · 03/07/2021 19:48

Maybe you could bring her to your house after a day or so to recover , would that be easier for you?

Ruddyknackered · 03/07/2021 19:48

That's lovely. I'm so glad that you have it all sorted.

mathanxiety · 03/07/2021 19:50

honestly, there's pleasure to be found in doing something helpful if you can.

There certainly is, and well done you.

FinallyHere · 03/07/2021 19:50

receive flowers each month from her as a thank-you for last year's stint.

Not too much of a drip feed.

I'm very glad of your happy outcome, that your service really is appreciated.

Remind me, what wad your question?

SleepyMathematician · 03/07/2021 19:50

This sounds like a brilliant conclusion. Glad you could be there for her, and glad she appreciates you. A real holiday after it all sounds great.

lakesummer · 03/07/2021 19:52

As I said OP you sound lovely.
I'm glad it has been sorted well.

TwoShoess · 03/07/2021 19:53

@TheAwfuITruth

If you're sure you're inclined to help her, and it's just the way she's dressing it up as a jolly, I'd say something along the lines of

'thank you for the offer, but I can't squeeze a holiday in at the moment. Let me know if you will be needing my help though, and I'll see what I can do'

I reckon it’s worth saying something along these lines, OP (if you’re comfortable to do so) - this sort of message sounds perfect.
TwoShoess · 03/07/2021 19:54

Ahh I’m late to this thread - just seen the update, which is lovely!

BirdsandBeesmakinghay · 03/07/2021 20:14

Aw! That’s really lovely to read. What a nice person you sound too.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 03/07/2021 20:22

Wow OP you're a really wonderful person and this is a great conclusion.

Robin233 · 03/07/2021 20:23

Totally brilliant
Hope it goes well and after you both have a smashing holiday x

AnnieSnap · 03/07/2021 20:24

Maybe she just phrases it like that because she feels uncomfortable having to ask and telling herself that makes it feel easier. You seem to be happy to help (which is lovely and kind of you), but it’s just her viewing it like that that grates on you. When you speak to her, make the opportunity for her to say it again, then laugh and say something like “well it’s really not a holiday, but I’m happy to help you”. I think you’ll feel better once that is out there. And well done for being so kind 💐

AnnieSnap · 03/07/2021 20:26

Oops, I didn’t read far enough into the thread to see that things reached this happy conclusion. This is such an uplifting situation 🙂