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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Ineedaneurologist · 02/07/2021 16:58

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

Retinal detachment surgery sometimes requires this depending on where the detachment is in the eye.
pjani · 02/07/2021 16:59

She probably feels ashamed that she doesn’t have anyone close in her life so is dressing it up as a holiday.

However, YANBU feeling resentful at it being described that way. I think I’d be clear that it’s not a holiday and I am helping to care for her. But if you are kind enough to feel ok doing it, then still do it I would say.

If you want to put boundaries around it eg this is the last time, say that. If you don’t want to this time, say that.

Ps you sound a very kind person. I hope people around you cherish you.

Letsbekindplease · 02/07/2021 17:01

Op I don’t think you’re a mug. I think you’re a kind and caring person and frankly I would do the same. It’s not a holiday though. Not by any means.

thenewduchessofhastings · 02/07/2021 17:05

If the tables were turned would she do the same for you?

If you're sure the answer is yes then go help her.One day in the future you might need her help and have her repay the favour.

If the answer is no or your unsure if she would then say no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/07/2021 17:10

I have CFS, fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I am disabled and have spend great chunks of my life for a decade largely bedridden. I’ve had a few major surgeries. I managed on my own after the second one. Dh had just started a new job. It was brutal. But I managed. And I managed to wash clothes. It was beyond hard. I couldn’t imagine for one minute expecting someone to come and look after me. I prepped. I got ready made meals in. I batch cooked. And I had a child still in primary to sort.

This woman is taking the piss. I get she will need a helping hand to get home and as she is type 1 she may need people with her for 24/48 hours until stable - the anaesthetist should clarify - but beyond that, she could sort herself out. It’s eye surgery. Hardly major.

JudgeRindersMinder · 02/07/2021 17:11

@TokyoSushi

It sounds like you're inclined to go which is good of you but I'd send a lighthearted reply kike:

'No time for a holiday at the moment but if you'd like me to come and work from your house and help you out then I'll happily do so!'

This is perfect! In your position I’d do it too, too much shared history not to
ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 17:21

@tallduckandhandsome

YANBU, she is downplaying the effort and sacrifice from you and for that reason alone I would say no.

Has she inherited from her parents? If yes, surely she can afford private care?

Blimey!

Do you ask q's like this in real life?
How on earth would OP know?
It isn't any of her business!

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 17:25

@Howshouldibehave

If we weren't chalk and cheese in our interests and tastes we might have been close friends

Grin Sorry, but that makes no sense!!

Their families were very close. The two women honour that, & their shared happy memories, by staying in touch, despite their lack of common hobbies etc.

What's not to understand?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/07/2021 17:29

She is entitled to free NHS carers as a type 1 diabetic for a fixed period post surgery so I don't know why she isn't taking advantage of that.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2021 17:32

@FishintheStream

I think I would agree, but give her a gentle nudge that it is not a holiday, but focus on the fact that you'll be working, not the extra work that caring for her entails. "Of course, I am more than happy to help. As much as I'd love a holiday I don't have annual leave to take, so I'll be bringing my work, like I did last time."
This.
DGFB · 02/07/2021 17:34

I’d also decline, only because if you do this you are definitely falling into the role of carer. Is that something you want long-term?
If not, I’d say you can come for a few days over a weekend but that you’re too busy with work to come midweek.
Leave it at that. If she has nobody else she can ask, she can pay for care.
She is asking a huge amount of you

ChargingBuck · 02/07/2021 17:35

Nice to see from your update post that you feel more settled in your decision & how to frame your initial response OP.

Hope you get to book those few days actual holiday time for the second week :)

MilesOfSand · 02/07/2021 17:40

Completely unhelpful, but just out of curiosity, what happens in the night if you roll onto your back while you’re asleep?

godmum56 · 02/07/2021 17:48

@MilesOfSand

Completely unhelpful, but just out of curiosity, what happens in the night if you roll onto your back while you’re asleep?
its ages since i had anything to do with this, but I belive you have to put rolls either side of the bed to stop you moving.
daisypond · 02/07/2021 17:48

Perhaps, if/when the tables are turned and the OP needs some help, she too will have a friend to help her out. I don’t know why posters are saying she’ll end up being a long-term carer or why posters who have partners at home (even if they are at work in the day) are saying the friend is unreasonable. It’s a whole different kettle of fish if there’s no one at home at all ever through the night or for days on end. I went and slept on a friend’s floor overnight for a couple of days after she -a single person- had had surgery. It’s what you do if you can.

Seeingadistance · 02/07/2021 17:49

@Popetthetreehugger

I think she’s saying in this way to save face to herself ,iyswim . If I were you and I could I would . 😊
I think this too. She feels awkward about having to ask, and is consciously or sub-consciously, trying not to acknowledge her dependence on the OP.
DarkDarkNight · 02/07/2021 17:55

I would only do it if you wanted to and it suited you to some extent. As you say it’s not a holiday, just working from a different location with added chores.

If you go I would make it very clear you are doing it for her benefit and lay it on quite thick about how it was a struggle to fit in working full time and looking after her last time. By labelling it a holiday it’s like she is saying she is doing you a massive favour not the other way around.

If you do turn her down I would say you can’t fit it in around work or after such a hard year you need to use your annual leave to relax and recharge.

Darbs76 · 02/07/2021 17:56

Well I think it’s really good of you to go, good on you, very kind

Mamanyt · 02/07/2021 18:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I’d be tempted to say I couldn’t manage it in the circumstances. I’d tell her how busy you are and how unfortunately you won’t be able to take on the large amount of work it entailed on top of your work.
This. It makes clear, without saying it outright, that this would be no holiday at all, but a job. I'm wondering if she would be so quick to come and care for you if the tables were turned. I tend to doubt it.
PenelopeP1tstop · 02/07/2021 19:10

I don't think she's cheeky at all

From your opening post we are sort of led to believe this by you but then you go on to say how kind and caring she was towards your parents, how she would no doubt do the same for you and that you have a long history of basically mutual respect if not best mates. You also actually want to do it

So I'm not quite sure what the issue is

TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 19:50

@MilesOfSand

Completely unhelpful, but just out of curiosity, what happens in the night if you roll onto your back while you’re asleep?
🤣🤣 brilliant
HouseyHouse21 · 02/07/2021 20:01

I can see why the clumsy wording would grate slightly, OP. It's the sort of thing I'd probably say if I was feeling a bit embarrassed and awkward about being forced to ask someone for help if they weren't immediate family.

It's a lovely thing for you to do, and if you can combine it with annual leave and actually enjoy yourself at the same time, it sounds like the perfect compromise.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 21:34

but beyond that, she could sort herself out. It’s eye surgery. Hardly major except op has checked the recovery period herself and other posters here have said that it is indeed the recommended recovery. Not really a great use of NHS resources to have the surgery then completely discount the advice and end up in a worse situation

VanGoghsDog · 02/07/2021 23:01

or why posters who have partners at home (even if they are at work in the day) are saying the friend is unreasonable. It’s a whole different kettle of fish if there’s no one at home at all ever through the night or for days on end. I went and slept on a friend’s floor overnight for a couple of days after she -a single person- had had surgery. It’s what you do if you can.

I had a procedure today, with sedation, and I'm not allowed to be alone for 24 hours - I live alone, my friend is here overnight. I'd do the same for her, it's what friends do.

TerribleZebra · 02/07/2021 23:25

OP I sort of see where you are coming from but please make sure you are not subtly roped into more and more. I am sole carer to a distant relative who has effectively made herself housebound over the last 18 months. I have had to have an appallingly frank conversation with her recently because she is now entirely dependent on me. She will not pay for any help at all despite the fact she can afford it. Her reasoning is that we have all offered to help her so she's not putting on us. This isn't strictly true but I wasn't going to watch an old lady starve. She doesn't want to admit how dependent she's become and in her head she doesn't have to if she's not paying for any formal care. It creeps up on you - if I had known doing shopping once a month would end up where I am now I would have put my foot down then. If you are happy to do it then do, but the fact you posted here indicates you might not be completely OK with this.