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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 02/07/2021 23:36

I do wonder if she'd do it for you. And also, as you both get older, what else she may call upon you for?
It is very kind of you though. I need a pet sitter soon want to come and have a holiday in Scotland?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/07/2021 11:29

Sorry I've skimmed a bit but,
I also thought Palava had the right idea and it sounds like you do want to do it. I don't think you are a mug, to be so kind either.
but I think there is no need to tip toe around sensibilities here. I think you can be absolutely clear and up front about the fact that calling it a holiday is hurtful because it is dismissive, and minimises your considerable efforts and makes you feel that the things you gave up to move out of your own home for 4 weeks and act as a carer whilst also working from home etc.. make you feel really unappreciated.
I had a CF who used to ask me to do a minor task, which actually turned out to be a whole lot more and on an increasingly regular basis - always described as an emergency too but was still always referred to as a trivial minor task requiring hardly any effort from me. It was infuriating. I'd not do it again after MN training Smile.
It's good that you've found ways of making it more bearable, speaking up would enable you to put any resentment aside and make it a pleasanter experience.

rookiemere · 03/07/2021 11:45

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff you've expressed the situation very eloquently.

I don't think the requestor is a CF as such, but it seems as if she has very little understanding of the magnitude of what OP is doing for her and of course that's going to rankle.

Livingmybestlifenow · 03/07/2021 14:21

@luvvaduck Not relevant to your AIBU but my dad had similar surgery and found that lying on a camp bed in the front room with his head off the end (so still in the right position) meant he could read a book on the floor fairly comfortably for a few hours at a time.

LittleMissMe99 · 03/07/2021 17:31

I would think she's trying to save face by calling it a holiday. I'm sure she's beyond grateful for your help.

RuggerHug · 03/07/2021 17:37

I would assume since she saw all you did before that it was sarcastic calling it a holiday if she isn't normally a piss taking dick?

tara66 · 03/07/2021 17:49

Maybe she believes saying - ''a change is as good as a holiday''?

PerciphonePuma · 03/07/2021 17:51

Op, my mum had full Cornea transplants and didn't have to lie face down for any length of time! That's pretty much one of the biggest operations you can have on your eyes!
She's lying to you

tara66 · 03/07/2021 17:54

You also don't have to lie down after combined cataract/glaucoma op..

Bertiebiscuit · 03/07/2021 17:54

Unpaid carer and social worker for someone who isn't a friend and who isn't grateful - are you INSANE? ffs find your spine and refuse - any old lie will do if you can't find the spine to tell her the truth

PerciphonePuma · 03/07/2021 17:54

Honestly Op, you're a mug!! Adult social services exist for a reason!!

LoobyLoo515 · 03/07/2021 17:58

@PerciphonePuma

Op, my mum had full Cornea transplants and didn't have to lie face down for any length of time! That's pretty much one of the biggest operations you can have on your eyes! She's lying to you
How awful to assume she’s lying! Previous posters have given links to show some eye surgeries need this.
willstarttomorrow · 03/07/2021 18:02

OP, I think you are very kind and understand your shared history, even if not exactly friends. It is a shame people have become so cruel when it comes to helping out others, you do not mind and you can manage it. I totally get the 'not a holiday' thing.

I have had elderly relatives in seaside locations. All thought they were giving us a lovely holiday but it was about seeing them (5 hour drive, not a location we would have chosen and great expense). When there we ended up doing jobs they struggled with. I did not mind but all thought we were having 'a lovely holiday'. At no point have a looked for a holiday in a coastal town full of right wing geriatrics, chosen a dated bungalow and be expected to be available for meals on a military schedule at times we do not eat. I also usually do not spend my evening watching Mrs Brown's boys before lights out for bedtime. With a thimble of wine.Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 18:03

@PerciphonePuma

Honestly Op, you're a mug!! Adult social services exist for a reason!!
So that no one ever has to do a considerate thing for someone they care about??
SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 18:06

@PerciphonePuma

Op, my mum had full Cornea transplants and didn't have to lie face down for any length of time! That's pretty much one of the biggest operations you can have on your eyes! She's lying to you
Op has stated that she's done her own research and the recovery information is correct. Just because she's nicer than you doesn't mean she's stupid
pasturesgreen · 03/07/2021 18:08

I'd say calling it a holiday may be a feeble attempt at irony?

That said, I personally wouldn't go. You did her a huge kindness by upping and moving to be her live-in carer for a month, now it's time to put some boundaries in place and say no.

She lives very far away, she isn't really your friend, more an acquaintance, and she needs a high level of care.

She has serious health issuesand will potentially ask you again in the future if she sees you as being available. Have you asked yourself why none of her local friends have volunteered to help? Time to say no, do not be roped in any further OP.

Imy06 · 03/07/2021 18:12

I think you are an incredibly kind and wonderful person to have cared for her previously. I think people are being a bit harsh and I don’t think you deserve that. I don’t think you are spineless to not say no straight away, you are obviously very caring and want to help out and I think that is admirable.
Maybe it was a bit of an awkward joke if she felt a bit shy asking again? Im not sure but I would maybe say something like ‘I’ll need to take a couple of days to think about what I’ve got coming up with work and whether I can fit in the work load of caring for you in as well as my regular work as I struggled to get everything done last time’.
You seem like a really lovely person and I hope the other lady does appreciate how lucky she is to have you in her life :-)

stayathomer · 03/07/2021 18:14

She has friends who have children or who look after grandchildren. Friends who might be able to pop in twice a day — but maybe not when she needs them. And perhaps they'll pass on Covid from their kids and grandkids... It's not as easy as it first seems. Lots of people our age are already tied up supporting younger and older family members. And not everyone can take their work with them as I can. So it does make sense for me to go. When I need someone to come and care for me, I wouldn't worry about calling on her. But I wouldn't pretend it's a holiday.
OP you've renewed my faith in human kind. No advice though, sorry!

HermioneKipper · 03/07/2021 18:14

I think you sound lovely. What a kind friend. But yes the “holiday” bit would rankle with me too. Can you say to her that you’re happy to help but doing her chores isn’t your idea of a holiday, in passing? Could you suggest the two of you go on a proper holiday together at some point? Only if you want to obviously

igelkott2021 · 03/07/2021 18:15

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

She is entitled to free NHS carers as a type 1 diabetic for a fixed period post surgery so I don't know why she isn't taking advantage of that.
That probably depends where you live. Some areas provide very good care, others provide nothing at all.
HollowTalk · 03/07/2021 18:23

My friend had to do something similar and it's actually impossible without having someone living there who's prepared to help a lot. She'd obviously be a lot more comfortable in her own home than in any kind of hospital setting and if she really doesn't have anyone else to ask I would do it for her, but I would pull her up on calling it a holiday for you.

Akire · 03/07/2021 18:26

If she can’t be at home with support she either stays in hospital or social service sort care and she have pay for some /all of it depending on income.

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 18:28

@Akire

If she can’t be at home with support she either stays in hospital or social service sort care and she have pay for some /all of it depending on income.
You can’t just stay in hospital, they kick you out. And social services won’t do a thing, they’re hideously understaffed.

If you live alone and have no family being ill is an absolute nightmare.

Akire · 03/07/2021 18:33

Don’t be silly if she medical needs lay face down for 4 weeks has no one at home. The hospital going send her off in the night? Come on! They will sort care package with agency that she have fully pay for or May get some continue health funding. The don’t discharge when you can’t look after yourself that’s why we have term bed blockers.

Akire · 03/07/2021 18:34

Oh and I’m disabled I use care agency’s and pay for them out my benefits I probably have more experience of the issue than you