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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

493 replies

80caloriesofbiscuitplease · 30/06/2021 19:06

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one Wink)
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

OP posts:
Crankley · 01/07/2021 23:43

I love how the OP went from disorganised on page one to Mother
Theresa on page 2 Grin

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 07:12

Grin Crankley

HotChocolateLover · 02/07/2021 07:37

Some people are just too shy to ask for favours, that was definitely me. I would never have dreamt of asking another mum for a favour because I was too embarrassed in case she said no. I’ve always been like that though. Maybe it’s that.

Macncheeseballs · 02/07/2021 07:41

I don't ask for alot of help, it comes from habit when I was younger of having noone to help, I became super self sufficient

thenovice · 02/07/2021 08:14

@Fluffmum

Maybe they don’t work
Yes but we do work - full time. Both of us. I think if there has never been any outside help, you have the mentality that you have to get through it on your own. I have a planning spreadsheet for each week covering everything from all school activity to meals and shopping. There is a whiteboard in the kitchen with lists of who has to do what and when. If there is an emergency, one of us has to take unpaid leave. That's the bottom line.
EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 08:18

I love how the OP went from disorganised on page one to Mother
Theresa on page 2 Grin
Tbf I said on page 3 I never ask a school parent or neighbour for help. I've notice I do ask family I am lucky living close to family we always help each other.
I'd imagine it is extremely hard for a single parent without local family support.

YoungestSpinster · 02/07/2021 08:19

I'm like this and also a single parent, I never ask the other parents for help or offer to help.

My secret is to be organised and have a sympathetic family member who can drop everything. Also paid for childcare. DD thankfully loves holiday club which makes things easier. She's not so keen on breakfast club or after school club, but she manages without getting too upset.

sleepwouldbenice · 02/07/2021 09:01

@Fluffmum

Maybe they don’t work
Goady much ? Maybe, in fact probably, they do
Marriedatfirstyear · 02/07/2021 09:06

I know a sahm who has a full time housekeeper yet is always asking other mums to pick up/drop off whilst she suns herself in the garden or is at lunch with friends. Says she hates the school gate routine and doesn't even feel guilty. If you have no choice, you get your stuff in order, but when you know you have options, it's easy to be slack (separate from emergencies & medical issues of course).

notanothertakeaway · 02/07/2021 09:09

If 4 people are regularly posting on WhatsApp asking for help, and 26 are ignoring, it's probably because those 26 are fed up of being asked

Our Facebook page is full of questions about end of term arrangements etc. All of the details have been provided by school, more than once. If someone can't be bothered to take note of this, I'm not inclined to do it for them

Joelijane · 02/07/2021 13:56

I admire the people that can lean in and ask for help. I've always struggled with that, silently stressing instead and! I think that can really enhance connection and sense of community/support network. Good for you x

SamW98 · 02/07/2021 14:00

@EditedbySKSS

I never asked for help. I worked full time. I also only had one child
Ditto. Both worked full time, no family nearby, no childcare, one child - I never asked anyone for any help.
santabetterwashhishands · 02/07/2021 14:07

I've never had to ask another parent for a favour and that's with 3 kids stretching over 26 years of schooling 🤷‍♀️
One is severely disabled and I work part time 🤷‍♀️.
Where there's a will there's a way and organisation is the key.

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 03/07/2021 10:04

To be honest I find it’s the parents who have the least need who are always asking - those in marriages, with more time.

They single parents, the ones with special needs kids, with multiple jobs, I never usually see them asking for help!

Jahebejrjr · 03/07/2021 11:30

That’s so true @Bananasinpyjamas21 I think I was always worried other people would ask me for favours back, which would have been difficult to reciprocate. I was just so focused on keeping everything organised that I didn’t have space for other people. Obviously I did do other people favours, I just didn’t want to comment long-term to it.

megletthesecond · 03/07/2021 12:35

Same jahe. I'm always desperately juggling my own stuff I wouldn't have time to give back. That and the fact DD has regular meltdowns means my mental load and physical energy is all used up.

StripyHorse · 03/07/2021 13:17

I learned fairly early on to put all dates from the newsletters on the calendar / in my phone asap.

Now all school newsletters are online / on the school app but previously I would take a photo on my phone and then bin the original - so it wasn't lying about but also to check things when necessary when not at home (e.g. before agreeing to other commitments etc).

I have an alarm reminder on my phone to book breakfast / after school club - 1st come 1st served system.

I am not naturally organised, and have learned the hard way to do this. We are lucky that DH has some work flexibility and we have parents nearby to help us when we really are stuck.

Also, keep the school number in your phone - in genuine 1 off emergencies call them to let them know you will be late. Having been on the school side of this, knowing that Jimmy's mum will be a bit late because she is stuck in a hold up on the M1 or that Suzie's mum's car has broken down saves a lot of worry!

Skysblue · 03/07/2021 13:19

Hi, I’m one of the mums who doesn’t ask for help. I don’t need it. We aren’t late because we set an alarm clock, plan our lives and we leave on time.

There is a mum in our group who expects the rest of the parents to provide her with free childcare (pickups and dropoffs) a couple of times every single week because she isn’t able to be both at her job and at school on time, but she doesn’t want to pay for regular childcare (she is self employed). To distract from how often she needs this she doesn’t try to make a regular arrangement but instead messages things like “help I’m stuck at work can anyone grab CFDC for an hr?” She is a real CF who just assumes we are happy to work for her for free. I used to help until I realised how regularly she expected this. (I wouldn’t mind as much but her daughter has become a bully so I don’t want to go out of my way to provide free childcare and tell my child she has to spend time with her). If you say no she doesn’t give up!!

If you need a lot of help then make sure you are also providing a lot help to those people, or people will think you are a CF. And maybe just message your friends not the whole group, it gets annoying. The class parents wattsapp group is a social network to swap school info and make friends, not a pool of free babysitters.

scubadive · 04/07/2021 08:47

Family back up. Some people are lucky enough to have this near by or they have a small group of friends in a separate what’s app they ask.

Jahebejrjr · 04/07/2021 08:48

I had no family back up.

scubadive · 04/07/2021 08:49

Some very smug posters on here op about how to get organised.

The things you mentioned are nothing to do with organisation, ignore them, everybody need some support system.

MaidEdithofAragon · 04/07/2021 08:52

I've always worked full-time in a non flexible job. You just have to be organised and always have a back up plan. My back up plan didn't involve asking favours from other parents as it would be too unreliable and I'd find that stressful. I had a regular childminder and a backup childminder for emergencies. Everything else- homework, costume day etc as just got organised myself.

Marriedatfirstyear · 04/07/2021 11:30

@scubadive

Some very smug posters on here op about how to get organised.

The things you mentioned are nothing to do with organisation, ignore them, everybody need some support system.

Why should OP ignore them when she's asked how people do it and they've answered accordingly.... Everyone can't be the same and people have different circumstances. How is it being smug when they're just explaining their situations 🤔.
kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 11:36

@scubadive

Some very smug posters on here op about how to get organised.

The things you mentioned are nothing to do with organisation, ignore them, everybody need some support system.

of course they have everything to do with organisation.

You don't magic a "support system" or wait for it to suddenly become available. You..organise it!

StripyHorse · 04/07/2021 13:32

I have had the panic where DC wasn't booked into breakfast and after school club and I had to scramble around for support.
I have had the nightmare where I agreed to travel across the country with work and it clashed with parents evening.
The last minute scrambling for something that resembled a costume for whatever theme day is on.

As I said in my post, I learned the hard way.

But it is largely organisation (excepting one off situations out of your control). If you aren't naturally organised look for the tools to help you. In my case phone reminders work best, for other people wall calendars will do the trick.