Parents who never ask other parents for favours?

[80caloriesofbiscuitplease]

Like how do they do it?
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, most primary schools have a primary school WhatsApp group. 90% of the chat is 'I'm going to be late' 'is anyone able to pick up Destiny on Wednesday?' 'Help I didn't know there was an inset day!'
There are about four regular mums who constantly ask these kind of things (of which I might be one )
The rest stay silent on the matters (as in they don't offer or ask) what I want to know is how the duck do they manage it?
How can you never be late, or struggle to pick up your child or cover the endless holidays? How can you never forget the date of homework's or the theme of dressing up day or the name of the TA? How can you consistently just keep all of this knowledge inside and be fulfilled and busy and well off and yet be at the school gate at five past ducking three every single day? To never look sweaty or harassed or answer emails in the park? To always have snacks that are well packed and nutritious?
How how how???

I don’t even think we have a whatsapp group. I don’t ask generally because between me and my husband we can usually sort it. I am self employed which probably helps. Grandparents also nearby. I’ve been caught in traffic and late once. I called the school and they were lovely about it. Children waited in reception till I got there. I think I was about 25 minutes late.

I know a woman who is under the impression that it’s everyone else’s job to chip in with the parenting of her daughter.

I’m a SAHM, but I have 4 and no family support, no nanny and a husband who was often away.

She has a full-time job; an older daughter (19), a husband who works locally, a nanny and all the nanny’s grown-up children who live locally (4 of them) and can step in for babysitting etc if needed.

This woman is a total nightmare. Every May / June the texts starts - “DD would love to see your DD over the summer and she is always talking about your lovely cats/ dog / garden / pizzas / (insert whatever excuse to come to your house). Would the 2nd and 3rd of July work? I’ll pencil it in!”

This is what she does to the entire class / year group. Every summer since her DD has been in school. We worked it out - even if she can just get one day from everyone over the summer, that’s a month’s free childcare for her! If she was paying a nanny, what’s that - £15 per hour? So £150 per day x 20 days = a saving for her of £3000!

Last summer I was very evasive because what she does is this - she drops off the DD at 7am! With no money Firstly, my kids are not up at that time in the holidays. Secondly, if I want to take my kids out for lunch or whatever, I’ve got this girl as well. Thirdly, of my elder ones need dropping off somewhere, it was another one to drag round in the car. Finally, it changed the entire dynamic between my kids and I don’t think parents who have only children realise this sometimes.

Anyway, last year I just told her I couldn’t commit and made up excuses. As did most people because they’d wised up to her and had enough. This meant she had to book her daughter into a holiday sports / activities camp.” So the first Monday morning, 8am, I get a call - “Oh I’m having a terrible time. DD doesn’t want to go to the sports camp. She’s crying. I feel terrible.” I said I couldn’t have her that day as I was going out of London. So this is what she said “Oh no - What are WE (yes “WE” meaning that this was also now somehow my problem) going to do? Could she come with you.?”

I just said no as I was taking my kids to a friend’s house in Berkshire (which was true) and its rude to turn up with an extra one. So she went round the houses and guilt-tripped someone else.

The reason I’m not inclined to do this woman favours is because she put her DD in the same school as mine, in the full knowledge that she had nobody to collect her at 3.30. The school is a 15-30 mins drive away. She does have a nanny, but the nanny works elsewhere and couldn’t get there until 5, So literally, the week before her DD was due to start at this school, she phoned to ask could I also now pick up her DD EVERY day and “just hold onto her” until the nanny could pick up at 5. She said, “seeing as you’re going anyway...”

I was so livid that she has this expectation because a) my DD is not a massive fan of this girl anyway, b) yet again; if I’m responsible for her daughter from 3.30-5 every day Mon-Fri that’s 7.5 hours when you actually add it up; c) I really enjoy that 20 mins or so drive home with my youngest as that’s when we get to talk about her day etc and I find it’s an important time (not always easy to get that one-to-one in a larger family); d) I don’t always go straight home as sometimes we might need something from the shops or I go to pick up one of the elder ones; e) I find her DD quite rude because the first thing she says is “what snacks have you got,” f) if my DD is ill or going to a friend’s after school, I don’t want the hassle of remembering to sort out this girl’s alternative pick-up as well; g) I don’t want her tagging along by default when DD brings a friend home and h) I have 4 children - it’s a lot - and I don’t want any more responsibility on a day-to-day basis.

Anyway, I said I was prepared to do one day. She was genuinely shocked. In her mind, this had somehow morphed into a shared problem involving me.

Absolute bloody nightmare and this type of mother, well, can ban see them coming a mile off. People think because you’re “just there anyway...” it entitles them to some kind of free-for-all where childcare is concerned. No it does not. Sort your own life out.

Sorry for the essay..

That is enraging! What a nutter. Never encountered anything like it.

Huge gulf between the occasional pick up for a genuine friend whose bus has broken down abs this level of entitlement!

For the people saying they don't have class WhatsApp groups you have no idea how lucky you are.
For op I have mum friends in my kid's classes and I tend to ask them off group if I need help or a favour.
I also often offer help (a lot) if someone asks on the group so I don't feel bad when I have to ask for a favour

that level of CF is unreal!

And I bet if YOU needed help, she wouldn't offer you any, would she.
Well done for standing up to her, it's horrendous.

Plus it will put people off helping others who genuinely need help for exceptional circumstances.

I have a lot of lists so I have one list which is essentially my jobs for each day then I have another list filled with important dates I need to remember and I even have one to remind me of parcels I have due so I don’t forget about any. I don’t think I’d survive without my lists, they rarely ever let me down. They’re just written in the notes section of my phone so nothing fancy.

Oh and I’ve never been in a class WhatsApp group or anything along those lines, also never been friends with a fellow school parent. I just arrive on time and leave as quickly as I can, it isn’t a social event for me.

@vinicunca

I know a woman who is under the impression that it’s everyone else’s job to chip in with the parenting of her daughter.

I’m a SAHM, but I have 4 and no family support, no nanny and a husband who was often away.

She has a full-time job; an older daughter (19), a husband who works locally, a nanny and all the nanny’s grown-up children who live locally (4 of them) and can step in for babysitting etc if needed.

This woman is a total nightmare. Every May / June the texts starts - “DD would love to see your DD over the summer and she is always talking about your lovely cats/ dog / garden / pizzas / (insert whatever excuse to come to your house). Would the 2nd and 3rd of July work? I’ll pencil it in!”

This is what she does to the entire class / year group. Every summer since her DD has been in school. We worked it out - even if she can just get one day from everyone over the summer, that’s a month’s free childcare for her! If she was paying a nanny, what’s that - £15 per hour? So £150 per day x 20 days = a saving for her of £3000!

Last summer I was very evasive because what she does is this - she drops off the DD at 7am! With no money Firstly, my kids are not up at that time in the holidays. Secondly, if I want to take my kids out for lunch or whatever, I’ve got this girl as well. Thirdly, of my elder ones need dropping off somewhere, it was another one to drag round in the car. Finally, it changed the entire dynamic between my kids and I don’t think parents who have only children realise this sometimes.

Anyway, last year I just told her I couldn’t commit and made up excuses. As did most people because they’d wised up to her and had enough. This meant she had to book her daughter into a holiday sports / activities camp.” So the first Monday morning, 8am, I get a call - “Oh I’m having a terrible time. DD doesn’t want to go to the sports camp. She’s crying. I feel terrible.” I said I couldn’t have her that day as I was going out of London. So this is what she said “Oh no - What are WE (yes “WE” meaning that this was also now somehow my problem) going to do? Could she come with you.?”

I just said no as I was taking my kids to a friend’s house in Berkshire (which was true) and its rude to turn up with an extra one. So she went round the houses and guilt-tripped someone else.

The reason I’m not inclined to do this woman favours is because she put her DD in the same school as mine, in the full knowledge that she had nobody to collect her at 3.30. The school is a 15-30 mins drive away. She does have a nanny, but the nanny works elsewhere and couldn’t get there until 5, So literally, the week before her DD was due to start at this school, she phoned to ask could I also now pick up her DD EVERY day and “just hold onto her” until the nanny could pick up at 5. She said, “seeing as you’re going anyway...”

I was so livid that she has this expectation because a) my DD is not a massive fan of this girl anyway, b) yet again; if I’m responsible for her daughter from 3.30-5 every day Mon-Fri that’s 7.5 hours when you actually add it up; c) I really enjoy that 20 mins or so drive home with my youngest as that’s when we get to talk about her day etc and I find it’s an important time (not always easy to get that one-to-one in a larger family); d) I don’t always go straight home as sometimes we might need something from the shops or I go to pick up one of the elder ones; e) I find her DD quite rude because the first thing she says is “what snacks have you got,” f) if my DD is ill or going to a friend’s after school, I don’t want the hassle of remembering to sort out this girl’s alternative pick-up as well; g) I don’t want her tagging along by default when DD brings a friend home and h) I have 4 children - it’s a lot - and I don’t want any more responsibility on a day-to-day basis.

Anyway, I said I was prepared to do one day. She was genuinely shocked. In her mind, this had somehow morphed into a shared problem involving me.

Absolute bloody nightmare and this type of mother, well, can ban see them coming a mile off. People think because you’re “just there anyway...” it entitles them to some kind of free-for-all where childcare is concerned. No it does not. Sort your own life out.

I have a few friends that had older children and they had me prepped for this before mine started school many years ago.

You can spot them.
They are the women who don't invite your child to their's but tell you that THEIR child wants to come to yours.
So rude.
Immediate black mark.

I have had a couple of people ask over the years for me to collect and drop their child to school as I past their area but I never entertained it for a minute.
Busy enough getting my four out in the morning and also my children never wanted a strange child in the car.
It changes the dynamics.

Sometimes I would help out in an emergency but I was not someone who would put up with it.

I wouldn't want to be friends with people that behave like that so would have zero difficulty in saying NO.

A friend of mine had a very very similar situation to yours re "collecting and holding on to him for an hour" and she told her neighbour clearly that "I didn't give up my job to provide free afterschool childcare for you" and like you her neighbour was stunned🙄🤷🏻‍♀️.
I have no idea what planet some people inhabit.

No one has ever asked for help picking their child up in my child's what's app group in the three years I've been on it. I don't think people really know each other well enough to ask. Youu don't often meet the parents because of after school clubs or grandparents doing the school run.

Yes it is enraging MrsTSwift (as you can probably tell from my post)! She has tried it with me this summer - even though they’re now in different secondary schools. My DD has barely seen this girl since they left primary! Unfortunstely, the girl has gone totally off the rails and has been asked to leave the school she was at. They are sending her to a boarding school now. I feel bad for her, genuinely, because she’s spent her childhood being passed from pillar to post between people who have been guilt-tripped into offering whatever childcare the mum could get out of them.

The worst thing was - a woman I know from the school told me this... she once had this girl for one of the 7am-7pm summer “play dates” a few years ago, but she went into labour that morning. Her own mum who had been in standby, came to look after her kids and her husband came to take her to the hospital. It was a very quick birth (third child) and she was in and out. When she got home with her new baby in the early evening, guess who was still there!

I’m a SAHM, and I occasionally do emergency pickups and childcare when asked on the class WhatsApps. It’s usually no skin off my nose to take an extra child to the park by school for a bit until the parent arrives, and I don’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of. The main reason I’m not working ATM is that we don’t have any family nearby and DH works long hours / away (in non-Covid times), so I’m sympathetic to those with a similar lack of support to fall back on.

Mind you, I don’t feel like there’s any drama on the WhatsApp groups either; just reminders about PE kits and the like, so I think I might exist in a parallel universe or am just shockingly oblivious.

If you are late or have some form of school related issue every week then you need to get your shit together quite frankly.

I have been very late for unavoidable issues- generally train delays. We both work in London but make sure one of us drives and the other goes by train so we can have an alternative way home. The worst one was when we were delayed by about an hour for nursery as train delays and a crash on the nursery. We got the staff a bottle of wine each and apologised profusely. Because we didn’t take the piss, we didn’t get charged the late fee.

[quote 80caloriesofbiscuitplease]What are these magical careers where you have to use your exceptional organisation skills and yet they're happy for you to skip out the door at 2.30?[/quote]
I know you're being sarcastic, but DH and I both flex our work:

• I do the school drop offs, start work at 9.30 and do a normal day to end about 5.30.
• He starts work early (7.30ish), then stops for the afternoon school run, then does another hour when he gets back home.

Working from home during Covid has helped a lot. Before that, we used pre- and after school childcare clubs.

I agree with @Grazelda

...organising is something I do naturally well. I'm fiercely independent and hate asking for help.

I'm 100% certain that other school gate mums thought I considered myself smugly perfect. I was constantly stressing inside, juggling like everyone else and hoping I was giving the best I could to my child, family and employer.

I hate being late for things, and I have a need to be organised. It probably looks like me/DH find the childcare logistics easy, but the reality is that it's really hard work and very stressful!

I rarely did because I worked part time and dd is autistic so not easy. On the rare occasion I did pull in a favour it generally was a disaster!

Some of us are either more organised, have dp's with flexibility, family nearby, pay for a sitter etc or simply don't do things the kids can't tag along to. We used professional sitters/specialist nanny on rare occasions out due to dd, thankfully a friend employed one and she was willing to work for us on the side for very reasonable money

Oh and I'm a professional event organiser (well was pre covid) would be a bit odd if I couldn't organise my own life

What are these magical careers where you have to use your exceptional organisation skills and yet they're happy for you to skip out the door at 2.30?

I've worked at my company for 9 years. When I first started working there I was full time as a junior admin, no kids. It's a very family friendly, flexible department mostly staffed by women with families, that being said my boss is male with no kids and he's great too. After DS1 I wanted to come back part time, my original job wasn't available part time but they wanted to keep me so gave me a job in a different team. I've worked my way up since and now work in a bit of a niche section (so I won't specify as it's outing considering the info I've already given) in a more skilled, career type role at supervisory level. I'm obviously very lucky because of the flexibility they offer and the team I'm now in has expanded so the progression was there which was largely out of my control. But I also turned down higher paying jobs to stay where I was because I valued the flexibility so much. I've also put the time and work in to ensure they know I'm worth my salt and can be still trusted to get the job done. I'm frequently working late into the evenings.

I spend a great deal of mental energy and cause myself a great deal of anxiety obsessing over every little detail. Everything is documented in the calendar. If we have an especially busy week, I make a notebook just for that week where there are pockets with everything I need for each day. The other night DH asked me a question about the next day as I was drifting off to sleep and I got angry because I had finally managed to get it all out of my head and relax and it took me another hour to convince my brain to shut down again.

When my older three were younger grandparents helped out alot with pickups.. Each set of grandparents loved it if I had to ask them to do pick up so much that they each took a day when they'd collect from nursery and then school and keep the kids till 4.
With my younger two I've now got a car, live closer to the school and work part time plus I put everything into my phone calender as soon as stuff arrives.
I've made two very good friends through school, our older children are in high school and college together so we used to each rely on the other in the very odd occasion but I am very lucky to have both sets of grandparents and siblings close by in a real emergency. ( Thankfully not had one of those in years)

Because I am extremely organised and never let things slip.

@80caloriesofbiscuitplease

But what if you're running out the office and you're stopped by someone? What about the rubbish truck that blocks the whole bloody road at ten to three? The fire alarm that goes off and leaves you trapped in the car park at work when your car keys are in your coat pocket by your desk? Do these things never happen to you all?

Can’t talk. On my way to school pickup.

Always leave a 10 minute buffer for pickups.

I’ll give you this one. Unexpected building evacuation is the time to call in help.

I don't know the answer to the OPs question but when my kids were small the internet wasn't invented and we just got on with it. I was a single parent with no family around but I honestly don't recall doing this. I helped another mum out with school runs for a while as social services asked me to but didn't know her before.

They are just better at you than life. Suck it up.

I never ask for help, mainly because I have 4 children! It’s pointless asking a parent from one of my child’s classes for help just for that child when I need help with all 4 of them. Most people don’t want to 3 extra children who they don’t even know.
Some people might also have 4 children already and won’t want 8 children to pick up from school or take to school.
They might not have enough room in their car for my 4.

So yeah, all these reasons I have in my head not to ask anyone! People never ask me for help either, probably because they know I have my hands full.

I get plenty of help from family so really I don’t even think to ask any parents at school.