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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp night out, I don't want him to go

376 replies

Summerdaysx · 29/06/2021 21:33

NC for this as I am a regular poster.

Dp has a night out planned for Saturday.

A few things are bugging me,

We have so much extra to pay for this month and just simply cannot afford it.

His friends are all talking about "getting the pussy" "going to lap dancing clubs".

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Now I am in no way going to tell him "he's not going"

But what can I do? He will still go anyway no matter what I say!

I wish he would have to isolate for 10 days .

I simply cannot be bothered with all the arguing about it.

He will just say we will get by with money "we always do". He honestly has an answer for everything.

OP posts:

Thewiseoneincognito · 29/06/2021 22:40

First of all he and his friends sound like creeps

Secondly he’s not getting pussy off a pole, pretty sure they’re shut

Thirdly don’t fall into the wifey at home trap, my mum lived it for so many years and hated every second, you deserve better

ChaToilLeam · 29/06/2021 22:40

If you’re having to borrow money from your DM, then there isn’t money for a night out. Is he always this selfish?

Famousinlove · 29/06/2021 22:43

@Summerdaysx No judgement here! I wouldn't want him going either when his mates are talking like that! What does your DP say when they say that shit?

FeckingPuddleDuck · 29/06/2021 22:45

You can't force him not to go but you can certainly tell him he's not going if he wishes to continue being your partner.

He can have a night out when his family have enough money for one, any decent parents priority would be making sure their family wasn't skint first. And any decent partner wouldn't be getting the pussy or going to a strip club.

Stillfunny · 29/06/2021 22:47

Ugh ! Who are these generation of men to think it is perfectly reasonable and normal to include lap dancing clubs on a night out ?! The expense alone would be bad enough but to think a married man with a wife and child at home is spending household money for some woman to twerk on him semi naked is absolutely appalling. ! Despite all the #MeToo , the debate about consent , etc. , seems some guys are still disgusting and abusive.

OP , I would seriously question the company your DH is keeping. This shouldn't be seen as OK behaviour and you really shouldn't be expected to put up with it. I am so sorry for you. What a prick.

hellogem · 29/06/2021 22:47

When I read stuff like this am just glad all my dh friends live in different countries or on the other side of the country. It would be mentally draining if I heard his douche bag friends speak in that manner!

Op can you get Covid symptoms on Friday night perhaps.. lol

Womencanlift · 29/06/2021 22:49

[quote Qwertywertyisme]@Womencanlift

I think she means she wants him to need to self isolate so that he can't go.[/quote]
Ah ok that makes sense. I did think it was odd

MrsBobDylan · 29/06/2021 22:57

He is a selfish looser. Unfortunately, even if you did try and talk him out of it, it sounds like he would just do what he wanted anyway. I would imagine he isn't much cop as a partner or a Dad, but it's up to you if you want to live like this n the longer-term.

VroomVrooom · 29/06/2021 23:01

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Not sure why this is factor, if you’d only pick him up at 8pm or earlier.

Who cares if he expects you to pick him up? He can expect a ride home on a unicorn, it’s not going to happen.

I wouldn’t have an issue with the night out, IF it’s not something he does every Saturday night - even if money is a bit tight. Everyone has to have some light relief to look forward to.

But ‘getting some pussy’?? FFS, who have you partnered up with, and had a baby with?

I can’t imagine this sort of talk is brand new. You have a baby with this man, so surely you’ve met his friends and know what they’re like.

Why pursue a relationship / have a baby with such a sub-standard specimen.

And for the record, I get it - questions like these are monumentally unhelpful, given this is the situation you’re in - it is what it is. I know. But I just don’t understand how it gets to this point. He hasn’t woken up one day and suddenly started hanging out with ‘pussy-getting’ neanderthals. The signs are always there, but the red flags get ignored. Until they can’t be.

foodtoorder · 29/06/2021 23:06

No arguement required.
I would see the problem in the fact you have to pick him up!
Make sure he is aware you are not able to pick him up, it won't be happening and he can make his own way out or better still crash at a mates so you don't have to deal with the hangover!
With regards to lap dance clubs etc obviously everyone's different but if you are both agreed what is ok and what isn't (ie not all or you don't mind) and trust each other then have an honest conversation about it.

foodtoorder · 29/06/2021 23:08

Failing that as per other posters develop a new continuous cough etc

CorianderBee · 29/06/2021 23:08

My DP can go out when he wants. But we don't share finances and he's expected to pay his half. And, if I heard they were talking in such crude terms I'd rather he wasn't friends with them and would tell him. How vile.

Wegobshite · 29/06/2021 23:09

Tell him you did a lateral Flow Covid test on the day so you all need to isolate
Then miraculously the day after his wild night out you did another LF test and it’s showing as not positive 😂😂
You must have made a mistake 😂

RightOnTheEdge · 29/06/2021 23:18

He sounds very selfish.
It's pretty awful behaviour to be going out on a big night out when you have had to borrow money from your dm and haven't paid her back yet.
So no I don't think YABU to not want him to go.

Rachie1973 · 29/06/2021 23:20

@Howcanthisbe123

It wouldn’t bother me, but you would have to drag me through a freezing hell before I woke my child up to go get daddy from a night out! He can walk or get a cab!!

That would be my view too.

skodadoda · 29/06/2021 23:39

OP, how would he react if you planned a similar night out?

Original poster

Summerdaysx · 29/06/2021 23:44

I am not saying I am picking him up at 8!! I am saying the latest I would be going out with my dc would be 8pm, there's no way he will be home for 8 so again it's more money on a taxi home.

He hasn't actually said "we are going to lap dancing" I understand they are closed. It's his friends that have made these comments, dp sort of just avoided answering to it. But them saying that and the other comments just made me feel sick! What kind of people are they?!

Will read through the rest of the comments in the morning. I have a migraine coming on because I'm getting so stressed about all of this.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

billy1966 · 30/06/2021 00:08

O,
I'm so sorry.
He sounds like such a waster and a loser.
Borrowing money from your mother and spending it on drinker, the signs of a loser if ever there was one.

Only one child with him?
You can move on.
Can you go home to your mother?

You sound afraid of him.
He is a loser.
You deserve better.

Doodlebug71 · 30/06/2021 00:13

@Wegobshite

8pm pick up on a lads night out - that’s going to be a wild night out then

"Lad's night out".

Why is it called that. They're full grown men, are they not?

Same the other away. "Out with the girls." No, you're not. You're out with your friends.

Why do people infantilise like that?

OnWhatPlanet · 30/06/2021 01:50

@Summerdaysx

I am not saying I am picking him up at 8!! I am saying the latest I would be going out with my dc would be 8pm, there's no way he will be home for 8 so again it's more money on a taxi home.

Will read through the rest of the comments in the morning. I have a migraine coming on because I'm getting so stressed about all of this.

Thanks everyone

What kind of men are they? They're men who you husband likes and because people tend to choose friends with their same interests and values, your husband is likely the same type of man as them and the reason he avoided answering is because you were nearby. Of you weren't then there's a chance he'd be speaking just like them and laughing along.

It's a disgusting way to speak about woman and it's disgusting that he'd use much much needed family money to pay to use a woman's body as his entertainment for the night.

What kind of drunk is he? Men like that tend to be arsehole when they're pissed as well, my friends ex husband would come home hammered after going to a strip club and then try to initiate sex. If you don't like the idea of him paying to see women strip that's totally fine, and you should be able to tell him that without it causing an argument. Men who don't like the degrading women chat don't have close mates that do it and they don't go to strip clubs. My husband has got up and left a few stag nights and ended friendships because the married men were trying to chat up women.

Going out for a drink shouldn't be an issue and it sounds like you know deep inside he shares his friends views or you wouldn't be worried about it causing a row. You deserve better.

chickenyhead · 30/06/2021 02:01

I'm sorry OP.

Truth is, he isnt being a decent adult, partner, or parent.

He knows that you borrowed money off of your mum, yet he couldn't care less. Its what he wants to do. A reasonable person wouldn't have agreed to go.

Will you continue to parent him? Where is your line in the sand?

You deserve better.

Your child deserves better.

Canigooutyet · 30/06/2021 02:18

Decent people who have a responsibility for others don't go out when they are on the bones of their arse. They tell the truth, skint mate maybe next time.

IceLace100 · 30/06/2021 03:03

If I were you, id be separating finances OP. You aren't married after all.

He clearly can't be trusted, so get your own finances in order. Pay all bills 50/50.

Next time he wants to go out it's his money he is spending. Provided he is paying his half, it's not going to impact you our DC.

Susannahmoody · 30/06/2021 03:11

Hopefully your DM will be reading this and now know not to lend your fella money again so he can spend it on disaffected women in strip clubs.

Original poster

Summerdaysx · 30/06/2021 17:49

He is leaving today. I am absolutley devastated and don't know how I am going to continue. At least I know now we are not a priority.

Please give me strength to get through this.

OP posts:

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