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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp night out, I don't want him to go

376 replies

Summerdaysx · 29/06/2021 21:33

NC for this as I am a regular poster.

Dp has a night out planned for Saturday.

A few things are bugging me,

We have so much extra to pay for this month and just simply cannot afford it.

His friends are all talking about "getting the pussy" "going to lap dancing clubs".

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Now I am in no way going to tell him "he's not going"

But what can I do? He will still go anyway no matter what I say!

I wish he would have to isolate for 10 days .

I simply cannot be bothered with all the arguing about it.

He will just say we will get by with money "we always do". He honestly has an answer for everything.

OP posts:
Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 01:40

Thank you both.

I know it is him that has caused this pain, I know me & my daughter will truly be better off without him. Just right now I can't face the facts and am still hoping he will come back.

Will need to speak to gp again tomorrow because my obsessive thoughts on him are scaring me, why can I not let go? Why am I in such a complete state?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2021 02:08

I would strongly suspect he will be back sadly.

frigglerock · 07/07/2021 02:32

It's normal to feel torn apart by the end of a long relationship. You have a child with him, of course it will hurt and you'll wish he was back, as the kind of man you wanted him to be and maybe tricked yourself into believing he was.

But yes, you will survive without him, and instead of being stuck with someone too immature to be a proper partner and father, you'll have the chance to maybe someday meet someone better. It will get easier. The pain will fade.

expat101 · 07/07/2021 05:47

@Summerdaysx

Thank you both.

I know it is him that has caused this pain, I know me & my daughter will truly be better off without him. Just right now I can't face the facts and am still hoping he will come back.

Will need to speak to gp again tomorrow because my obsessive thoughts on him are scaring me, why can I not let go? Why am I in such a complete state?

So, this is my take on it.... currently you are still living as one-half of a couple.

Inwardly you are expecting him to say sorry and come home, and I'm assuming, keeping the same routine as you would any other day.

Nothing is changing for you, but you have this hole in your routine that this fellow normally fills and that's part of the loss you are feeling.

So you are at a crossroads. Either keep going as you are thinking he will return, or start (little steps) to make a new life for yourself and your daughter. How about planning a move? Doesn't have to be out of your area, but in a place that is for YOU.

Taking a step back, when I first started reading your posts, you reminded me of me when I was younger.

I didn't have a child but had a ''special'' someone in my younger life who would ''drop'' me for the weekends so he was single. Come Monday or Tuesday, I would hear from him again... became a regular thing and I couldn't get off the treadmill of it all until his mother told me he was partying on the weekends with mates and trying his best to pick up where he could.

And I was silly enough to wait for the first few times it happened.

So I'm going to suggest that you need to start making changes for yourself now. Get off that treadmill you are on and stop expecting him to come home to you.

Get yourself out, i'm not sure what COVID lockdown situation you are in, but go and do volunteering work at a school, charity/foodbank organisation, anything to get you out of the house. On line education, walks in the park, beach, whatever. Don't listen to your phone, talk to your daughter.

Mute your mobile. Make yourself less available if he calls. He can leave a message on your answer phone or text.

But whatever steps you take, you need to make yourself less available, and more occupied than you appear to currently be.

What's the situation with your car? Can you borrow money with a budgeting organisation's help to get that sorted? Do you have family you can both go and stay with, to get out of your routine?

and once you start to make these changes, I'm going to suggest you WILL hear from him again. He will try and add you back to his social media because he has failed at whatever it is that is taking his fancy right now that he doesn't want you to see on SM. Be it single life or a potential someone he might be dallying with.

However do not concern yourself with him, but YOU. And have the strength by then to be living your own life and walk away from him.

You can do better!

Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 10:36

This morning I feel totally lost. Feel like there is sick sitting in my throat waiting to come up. Can't get him out of my head, wish this was a bad dream. Don't see how I will ever get over this. I don't know what to do to help myself, I try keeping busy etc but the pain is just so intense

OP posts:
Remoulade · 07/07/2021 11:39

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP🙁

Like everyone else has already said, you will get through this. One day you will wake up and the pain won't be the first thing on your mind. It will get better and better until a time comes when you are much happier not having this man in your life.

Remember what he left over. The fact it wasn't a great time for him to go out on the piss and you voiced that. Couples may argue about why it isn't a good time to go out right now but people don't leave over it, at least not good people.
He has done this before and even if he did come back now, you couldn't possibly take him back.
If you take him back you will forever be walking on eggshells, remembering this torture and knowing that if you don't put up with any shit he throws at you, he might leave and put you through this hell again. If he does come crawling back, you need to realise this for what it is; a control tactic. A way to make sure you keep in line in the future.

You deserve a thousand times better.

Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 14:29

I have asked to meet him tonight to talk. No good doing all this through text when we have dd to think of. He says it won't change his mind but he is willing to talk. Yes I'm a mug but I want him back

OP posts:
elsaesmeralda · 07/07/2021 15:59

Haven't read the full thread but I really feel for you. No1 deserves to feel broken hearted it's a horrible feeling but you will get through it, even if atm it seems like you'll never get over it you will! And you'll look back and wonder what you was so cut up about !
I've been with people that just walk out and hold all the cards and it's embarrassing when you have to beg them to come back, don't let him make you feel pathetic. Be strong 💕

Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 16:01

@elsaesmeralda thank you so much. Strength is 1 thing I don't have any of at the moment, along with respect for myself.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 07/07/2021 16:21

And if he does deign to come back @Summerdaysx - will you be happy, truly happy? Will you resign yourself to 'turning a blind eye'? will you be confident that you daughter has good role models for being in a relationship? Will you be anxious and hyper sensitive all the time? Will it feel any better than this?

Will it be worth it?

KurtWilde · 07/07/2021 17:36

Oh OP you know he's no good for you but you seem intent on having him back!

SuperSange · 07/07/2021 17:42

Yes, you are a mug. Your poor daughter, learning now how behave in a relationship. Surely she's worth more than you're showing her?

Drovememad · 07/07/2021 17:53

OP if he decides to come back to you now, it will be on his terms and you will never again be able to discuss your unhappiness.

Any time he wants to go out to "chase the pussy" he will, you are going to allow him to treat you so badly.

Please empower yourself for a better life.

Remoulade · 07/07/2021 18:33

@SuperSange

Yes, you are a mug. Your poor daughter, learning now how behave in a relationship. Surely she's worth more than you're showing her?
I don't think we need to drag her child into this. OP is clearly having a truly horrific time as it is. As someone said upthread, the intensity of OPs emotions and reactions here are very typical of BPD/EUPD. If this is what OP indeed does have, she is currently feeling a pain that most of us can't imagine.

If he does come back OP, please think about if this is really what you want. You'll have the relief and comfort of him being there and maybe then you can find the strength to end this on your terms. I really hope you do, because you shouldn't have to live with someone who will walk out on you like this over a disagreement about wether or not it's appropriate to go out on the piss when money is so tight. He isn't good for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 18:39

Think about what this dynamic will reach your daughter if you get back together. Really, really think about it.

You will be accountable for her learning that men can behave how they want and learning that women should promise men they'll behave, not complain, pretend not to be bothered by anything, keep the peace and stick to childcare and doing as they're told. You will be complicit in the vastly increased risk of her repeating this dynamic in her own future relationships as an adult because she'll think this id what a normal relationship looks like.

No man is worth fucking up your kids' perspective on what a relationship looks like. Especially not a shitty, cruel man like this one.

Going on a night out where the plan for his mates was to 'get the pussy' and in an ideal world go to lap dancing clubs was more important to him than living with his wife and child.

He doesn't give a fuck. Not one single fuck.

And you are the one who will be begging him to take you back when you speak in person.

Tough talk time OP and I'm sorry as I know you're struggling and he's the real dickhead in all this, but your daughter deserves better role models than this.

chickenyhead · 07/07/2021 18:45

OP if you humiliate yourself tonight by begging or being over willing, you will regret it either way.

Either because you got what you thought you wanted by sacrificing any self respect.

Or

You sacrificed all of your self respect and he still rejects you.

Just don't do it.

nimbuscloud · 07/07/2021 18:59

Where are you meeting him? Is there a chance you will have sex with him? Which would be a really really bad idea..

LizzieW1969 · 07/07/2021 19:13

OP is clearly having a truly horrific time as it is.
As someone said upthread, the intensity of OPs emotions and reactions here are very typical of BPD/EUPD. If this is what OP indeed does have, she is currently feeling a pain that most of us can't imagine.

The pain the OP is going through is really sad to witness. This suggested diagnosis makes sense. I think the change in medication is probably playing a part in this. (I’ve been on different meds over the years and it takes some time to adjust.)

CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 19:15

@Summerdaysx

This morning I feel totally lost. Feel like there is sick sitting in my throat waiting to come up. Can't get him out of my head, wish this was a bad dream. Don't see how I will ever get over this. I don't know what to do to help myself, I try keeping busy etc but the pain is just so intense

You will get over it op.

It might feel like you never will, but you will.

It sounds stupid, but you have to just accept that it's painful right now. It won't always be.

When you look back on this later on you'll see it as a lucky escape.

Rachie1973 · 07/07/2021 19:21

@LizzieW1969

**OP is clearly having a truly horrific time as it is. As someone said upthread, the intensity of OPs emotions and reactions here are very typical of BPD/EUPD. If this is what OP indeed does have, she is currently feeling a pain that most of us can't imagine.**

The pain the OP is going through is really sad to witness. This suggested diagnosis makes sense. I think the change in medication is probably playing a part in this. (I’ve been on different meds over the years and it takes some time to adjust.)

Very like my DIL with extreme and uncontrollable emotions. Borderline Personality/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

She controls her partner by a combination of submission and dominance to hold tight. Even reacts the same way to him having a night out as OP did.

Remoulade · 07/07/2021 19:38

@Rachie1973

But then the OPs issues with his night out was lack of money, his friends talk about getting the pussy and going to stripclubs (most of us would have an issue with this sort of night out I imagine) and the fact he would want her to leave in the middle of the night with their child to pick him up.
None of the reasons for her not wanting him to go out point to her being controlling. All pretty damn reasonable reasons to say you're not comfortable with it.

It's okay to voice these things you know. If my husband wanted to go to a stripclub then I would say "alright darling, pack a bag though cause you'll be staying with your mum from now on. Forever." I'm not in any way unreasonable for seeing that as a deal breaker 🤷‍♀️

Drovememad · 07/07/2021 19:41

@Remoulade I'm backing OP, but in fairness to @Rachie1973 that puts a different spin on things.

OP has confirmed that no lap dancing clubs are open and she wouldn't be picking him up after 8.

1FootInTheRave · 07/07/2021 19:44

You need to get some resilience and self respect. Learn your worth. Clue, it's more than this loser.

You'll be furious with yourself for feeling like this a few years down the line.

Remoulade · 07/07/2021 19:46

[quote Drovememad]**@Remoulade* I'm backing OP, but in fairness to @Rachie1973* that puts a different spin on things.

OP has confirmed that no lap dancing clubs are open and she wouldn't be picking him up after 8. [/quote]
Why would OP lie to us about her reasons for not wanting him to go though? There's no reason to give us the "acceptable" reasons she would give her partner to seem less "controlling". We don't know her.

Drovememad · 07/07/2021 19:53

@Remoulade where have I said she lied? She stated

Lap dancing clubs not open in Scotland

I won't be going out after 8 to pick him up

That's what's she's actually stated!