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Original poster

Dp night out, I don't want him to go

376 replies

Summerdaysx · 29/06/2021 21:33

NC for this as I am a regular poster.

Dp has a night out planned for Saturday.

A few things are bugging me,

We have so much extra to pay for this month and just simply cannot afford it.

His friends are all talking about "getting the pussy" "going to lap dancing clubs".

He will be out until god knows what time and expect me to pick him up, I have a child.

Now I am in no way going to tell him "he's not going"

But what can I do? He will still go anyway no matter what I say!

I wish he would have to isolate for 10 days .

I simply cannot be bothered with all the arguing about it.

He will just say we will get by with money "we always do". He honestly has an answer for everything.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/07/2021 00:18

It's like going cold Turkey off a drug. Totally self destructive to want to give in but also incredibly difficult. But you need to focus on two things - firstly that this is the hardest bit and will only be harder if you go back and have to do this again and secondly that he's a shitty partner and role model therefore staying with him would be teaching your kids in the long term that this is a healthy dynamic when it really isn't Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/07/2021 05:56

Yes, I agree, it IS like going cold turkey.
And, if it's anything like my experience, it's not understanding why he's doing this to you - or even how he could do this to you.
I'll give you a hint - it doesn't matter why he thinks he's doing it, there is only one definitive answer and that is "because he doesn't love you enough".

Whatever faults you may have, whatever upsets have happened, whatever else you try to blame yourself or anyone else for - he simply Does Not Love You Enough.

And you can't change that, sadly. :(

Took me a year of misery and rage and a few counselling appointments to get to that understanding - hopefully it will help you now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/07/2021 13:18

How are you doing today OP?

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 06/07/2021 13:27

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think I feel worse today. I am trying my best to be strong. I have sent a message saying I won't be begging for him back now, he's made his decision and I will move on, he has replied ok. So I guess that is it. I am shattered.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 06/07/2021 13:55

I know it's hard @Summerdaysx but it IS for the best, for you and your DC.

Lex345 · 06/07/2021 14:04

OP you have got this, one day at a time and you will slowly get stronger each day. You will look back on this in the future and realise he has done you a favour because you DO deserve better, you CAN get through this and you WILL be completely fine. By that time, he will have had his midlife tantrum and realised what a terrible mistake he has made

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2021 14:09

@Whatabouttery

I wouldn't begrudge a night out unless it meant going without essentials.

But if I heard 'getting the pussy' and he was going to lap dancing clubs I'd change the locks on his way out.

This.

I wouldn't struggle for the rest of the week though so he can go drinking either

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2021 14:14

Sorry OP, I didn't realise this thread was so long, should have read the updates. Whatever happens from now, you need to not take him back if he changes his mind. He's treated you horribly, you're worth more than that

AngusThermopyle · 06/07/2021 14:18

[quote Summerdaysx]@youvegottenminuteslynn I think I feel worse today. I am trying my best to be strong. I have sent a message saying I won't be begging for him back now, he's made his decision and I will move on, he has replied ok. So I guess that is it. I am shattered. [/quote]
Op, sorry you're going through this and finding it incredibly hard but, you really need to pull yourself together.
Also, you really really need to just stop messaging him at all, especially stuff like that or begging.
He doesn't care, and you're making a fool of yourself.
Find your self respect.
I know it's hard and I don't mean to be rude to you.

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 06/07/2021 14:35

Thank you all. I know he doesn't care. I will get stronger everyday. I just want the hurt to subside a little.

OP posts:
Drovememad · 06/07/2021 14:40

@AngusThermopyle is right, it's tough I know but any messaging and he is winning!

Pinot4evs · 06/07/2021 15:29

Don’t give him the satisfaction of having you begging for him back. He’s made his decision now you just need to get on with life with your head held high.

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 06/07/2021 15:42

I won't be messaging him again unless it's conceding our dd. He is coming to see her on Thursday. Not sure how I will handle it.

I can't thank everyone enough who has taken the time to comment on this thread, yous Will all never know how much this is helping me.

OP posts:
AngusThermopyle · 06/07/2021 16:23

Tell him he needs to take her out, he has moved out after all. You can have her ready, minimal hello, shut the door. The same upon return, don't let him in, keep it short.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2021 16:42

@Summerdaysx

Thank you all. I know he doesn't care. I will get stronger everyday. I just want the hurt to subside a little.
Unfortunately you need to go through it to get over it but you will
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 06/07/2021 17:57

@Summerdaysx

I won't be messaging him again unless it's conceding our dd. He is coming to see her on Thursday. Not sure how I will handle it.

I can't thank everyone enough who has taken the time to comment on this thread, yous Will all never know how much this is helping me.

Is there a third person that you could use as an intermediary? I mean you drop your dad with them, he collects them from them-and the reverse when it's time to pick her up. It will be hard, there's no getting around that I'm afraid. But he's done this before - is it him you love, I mean really? Or the thought of being a little family? Because he is clearly not worthy of you. Do you want your dad thinking this is how women deserve to be treated? I mean this gently, my lovely, but you have to be strong for her. It will get better. Not necessarily today, tomorrow, next month-but one day you will think - what the fuck was I doing giving that cuntweasel headspace?! Keep reading the thread. There's a lot of love and strength for you on here. 💕💕
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 06/07/2021 17:58

Doh! Not Dad! dd! Smile

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 00:43

He told me tonight there is absolutley no chance of us ever working things out💔 8 years just like that, I don't know how I can feel this heartbroken. What will I do without him? I'm so used to having him here everyday and now nothing. The pain I feel just now is unexplainable

OP posts:
Whyo · 07/07/2021 00:52

OP have you even been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? Even if you haven’t, read up on it and let it try and untangle what’s going on in your head just now. You’re completely fantasising and putting on a pedestal a person that doesn’t exist.

I know it’s easier said than done but you have to stop obsessing and begging you’re going to put him off further.

Download and read “Why men loves bitches” aside from the ridiculous title it’s really helpful in trying to pick apart why men are often so emotionally different.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2021 00:56

It will ease, promise. It feels like actual heartbreak, hey.
But it passes. You're still in very early stages - give it a couple of weeks and the pain will ease, and slowly bit by bit you'll start to feel more like yourself.
You WILL cope without him.
You still have your DD - she'll keep you going.
I agree it might be a good idea to have an intermediary to hand DD over to him though - but you might want to see him, so up to you.
In my case, seeing my ex was painful but part of the healing process - and it took 3m for me to decide I didn't need to do that to myself any more (but no kids, so I could cut him off dead).
You're stuck with having contact with him because of DD, so going cold turkey might be a better option.
((((hugs)))) though - it really sucks.

CirqueDeMorgue · 07/07/2021 00:57

I really feel for you OP. You will get better though, painful breakups require time. Keep yourself busy as much as you can. FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 01:00

Yes this is pain like I have never felt before and I have had a few failed relationships.

I was so happy recently and now he's just gone. I don't know how to let go of the relationship. I am still thinking there will somehow be a chance.

Seriously think there is something wrong with my head. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for years

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerdaysx · 07/07/2021 01:01

Been trying to keep myself busy the last few days but the pain is only getting worse.

I honestly cannot see my life without him in it. Would do anything for him to cuddle me and tell me all will be ok.

Would not wish this pain on my worst enemy

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2021 01:21

Ah, it's shit, isn't it? You need your best friend to give you a cuddle and tell you it's going to be ok, but they can't, because they're the one who inflicted the pain on you in the first place.
And if he DOES offer you any "comforting", it's worse because it's just out of pity, not love. Although it doesn't sound like yours is going to do that.

Another tip - write letters to him, saying everything you feel. BUT (and this is the big point) DO NOT send them to him. They're specifically for YOU to get your feelings out - all of them - but then you must burn them (or shred them, whatever you feel works best for you). NEVER send them. They achieve nothing in respect of him, they're only for you to get those whirling thoughts out of your head.

Your life still has plenty of good things - you just have a swirling black hole occupying one area of it, that's obscuring the rest at the moment - it will shrink.

redastherose · 07/07/2021 01:23

I know other have said this but it will get better. If you can't sleep properly I found putting either something boring like the rolling news channel's or an audiobook I already know really well on helped me. I could listen when I was awake but often just drifted off because my brain got bored of the same thing repeating itself. Also, try and eat something fairly plain just toast with butter maybe and drink decaf tea or coffee that will help you get through. It's easy for everyone on MN to tell you he's a complete knob unfortunately you won't feel like that just yet but take comfort from the fact that in time you will look back and wonder what the fuck you ever saw in him.

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