Abiu To put 1 year old to bed hungry?

[Pops042020]

Abiu to put my 1 year old to bed hungry if she doesn't eat the meal I make, this last week she has decided she doesn't want to eat anything I give her on a spoon she doesn't even look at it or smell it and definitely doesn't try it, it's just straight away shaking had and crying she's hungry because she takes her dummy out then cries. This last week Ive given in and made her toast before bed and I feel like shes just waiting for the toast.
Would I be unreasonable to just not offer her anything else but the meal I'm making tonight (cottage pie) and if she doesn't eat it then she goes to bed hungry with her bottle of milk?

One thing I would add to others helpful advice is to get the table you can afford- not the one you would like! Check free cycle and local Facebook giving groups. We had a second hand table for a few years, just threw a table cloth over it.

She's too little for that kind of logic. Give her the toast and revisit this question when she's five or so.

Good luck op.

If ours went to bed in any way hungry (never deliberately but if she wasn't eating anything we offered due to teething or whatever) we paid as she had an awful night. We always tried to fill her up before bed.

Yabu because you are thinking by sending her to bed hungry, you will teach her something about how to behave. She is too young to understand or learn from this. She will just be traumatised.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Sleeplessem You haven't properly understood what your £150-a-week dietician said. Stop bleating "bad advice" at people.

Yes actually I have thank you! It’s fairly clear cut. If a toddler won’t eat dinner, that’s ok, they’ve had several opportunities to eat throughout the day, they are not being put to bed hungry, it’s actually listening to and respecting the child’s bodily queues. Of course a child would eat biscuits or chocolate or sweet treats after refusing a meal but that’s not teaching them anything. There are some strategies one can use around meal refusal, such as family meals, incorporating safe foods into meals, limiting meal times to around 15/20 mins, trying again in 15 mins and mainly taking all pressure off. However sometimes this just doesn’t work for whatever reason, and it’s so stressful but the child has eaten throughout the course of the day so most likely is not going to bed hungry .

It is horrible to ‘bleat’ ( to use your charming terminology) neglect at a woman who is clearly struggling with this phase. She’s clearly stated that she’s not acting in a punitive way or refusing to feed her because she CBA. She’s doing all the right things. And some of this advice is how a) fussy eaters are made or b) how food/ oral aversions are made.

And by teaching them anything I don’t mean any sort of lesson in the punitive sense more in the grander sense about how we eat family meals, that there are no good/ bad foods, that food isn’t a punishment/ reward etc

They have no concept of right and wrong at one years old so yes, YABU. She isn’t testing the waters to see if she can get toast and doesn’t deserve to be sent to bed hungry for refusing certain foods.

DGD used to be like this at that age so I would give her a bowl of porridge before bed so she wouldn’t be hungry x

There's a big difference between what you might do for a 12 month old and a 23 month old. At 12 months, no way. At 23 months, I think I would be beginning to teach her consequences. I would make sure there are several things on her plate at dinner, so that she at least eats something - some fruit, half a piece of toast or whatever. But not making a different dinner for her after refusing the first.

@Pops042020

She's 15 months today, she just refuses to eat her dinner then cries in the kitchen standing pointing at the cupboard that has her baby crisp and baby biscotti biscuits so she's hungry just won't eat whats good for her

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but just an idea. Could you give her the baby crisps/toast etc and a little bit of cottage pie and show her how to dip it in? Make it fun? My toddlers have always loved dips. That way, she gets what she wants, but is also eating a bit of cottage pie and trying new flavours x

@Pops042020 sorry but that would be so mean to put your 1 year old to bed hungry so please don't even consider it! My DS didn't like any meat until he was nearly 2 so maybe your DD won't eat cottage pie for that reason? Just give her toast (it's hardly awful like sugary sweets is it...) most children love toast at that age...

Way too old for such disciplining, it works when they're much older. I did it a few times with my 10 year old back then, but at 1 you want to try different food etc..

I'm sorry some people are giving you a hard time OP (and STILL, even after the updates). It's clear from your messages that you know this is unreasonable, but are finding it hard to trust your gut feeling when those around you are giving you bad advice. As parents, we're all novices the first time and constantly learning!

They can be really frustrating at this age! If she has her bottle of milk going to bed, it's not exactly an empty stomach. They do go through phases where they eat less when a bit ill or teething.

Don't let her eat in front of the telly. Ideally you'd all eat together.

Lunch time is a better time to give her new foods when they're less tired. I try to always give DC something I know they will eat to accompany something new so I know they'll eat at least some of it. And the new thing in a bowl so it doesn't touch the rest (eg stew in a bowl, mash on plate).

If she's begging for biscotti etc, you need to set a routine when she has those so she doesn't think it's worth nagging for them the rest of the time. Mine have three meals and two snacks a day, most of the time. They know the kind of foods to expect at each time and don't usually nag in between.

You need to change your mindset as you could be in for this type of behaviour around food for years, getting cross about it will embed it and make it worse so she refuses even more foods.

In case it helps OP I had a very fussy baby who wasn’t interested in anything but milk until 12 months, then he had a very limited diet until around age 5. And he had hypoglycaemia which meant that the “put them to bed hungry” advice was actually dangerous. I HAD to give him something he would eat with every meal because not eating wasn’t an option.

He’s now 13, eats almost everything. Loves spicy food and very rarely refuses anything. Could eat more veggies but loves salad. And that was achieved with no “discipline” around food whatsoever. I just always had at least one thing on the plate that I knew he would eat. And he could always have supper if he was still hungry after dinner.

I've been told by relatives that I'm harsh because we don't give DS crisps, chocolate etc, not even baby crisps because for me it wasn't about the nutritional content it was the habit forming around snacking on unhealthy things. He's now 2.5 and had a small bit of cake at a party, he had ice cream the other day at the beach, but we don't have a snack/treat cupboard if he's hungry between meals he can have a snack but it will be apple slices with whole nut butter or plain rice cake, avocado, cannot sticks, humous pitta and apple slices, a piece of cheese etc. I was raised in a family where sweet food were used as rewards/treats and it's a very hard habit to break I still have to thought the urge as an adult. Get rid of the chocolate ready brek, crisps etc, no fuss they've just run out and you have x instead. You might not have a dining table yet but you can switch the TV off and eat together. People often remark how well DS eats and the variety of foods he enjoys, it's only what he's used to.

No, shes too little. Give her toast w any other healthy things shell eat like fruit, salad, raw carrot etc?
Mine are fussy as anything so I still dont force them w foods but really encourage when they do try new things. Also they will eat lots of fruit and salad at least.

It's a pain.

@oblada

Food until 1 is fun so it doesn't matter what she eats as long as she gets as much milk as she wants. Don't give toast if you don't want to (that doesnt sound like a great habit to pick up), offer the cottage pie and give her as much milk as she wants.

This is a myth and an unhelpful one at that. Food before one can absolutely be fun, but this phrase wildly understates the importance of food during the 6-12m period.

OP’s daughter is beyond one anyway but just wanted to highlight that as it’s a commonly shared misconception.

@Sleeplessem

So I’ve agonised over this before and my DD is a skinny Minnie on the 9th centile, I was so concerned I spoke to a private paediatric dietitian and she told me, that you aren’t putting them to bed hungry and that they’ve eaten throughout the day. In fact, overtly praising them or pressuring them In anyway to eat often has the opposite effect, children dig in their heels and refuse. If she doesn’t eat her dinner here and there it’s ok, she’s had chances to eat throughout the day. So you’re actually listening to and respecting her bodily cues rather than punishing her by putting her to bed hungry. This advice is from an nhs paediatric dietitian at Bham children’s hospital so it is factual. Please ignore other mums or even HVs saying to encourage and praise and offer lots and lots of things, it is putting too much pressure on a meal time and will have an adverse affect. Again same with bribing with sweets, food is not a reward to be earned.

Unfortunately we had similar advice as many posters have mentioned above and followed it, and it had a huge impact on her she even dropped a centile and has never recovered weight wise.

This is good advice.

Not to mention she’s having milk before bed anyway so she won’t be hungry.

I have a similar aged child and whether he eats his dinner or not is up to him, I believe I choose what and when we eat and he chooses if or how much. But if he isn’t interested in his dinner I don’t force it, or start trying to offer different things. That’s his dinner, and I’m not a chef in a restaurant cooking to order lol.

Be as casual about food as possible, once you start praising or complaining it becomes a power battle. I’m very nonchalant about it, put the meal down (at the table, no TV!) and give him the respect of deciding what he wants and how much.

Milk before bed so even if he doesn’t eat much he’s not hungry when he goes to sleep.

@MissChanandlerBong90

It’s actually really common advice not to offer an alternative if a baby refuses what’s in front of them. I’ve seen it spouted loads of times - I can remember seeing a post from Joe Wicks on Instagram a while back about how his daughter is a really good eater because they never offer alternatives. So I don’t think the pile-on making out the OP is some sort of neglectful monster is fair.

FWIW OP, as other posters have said, I try to offer things I know they’ll eat alongside things I’m unsure if they’ll eat. And also as others have said, at this exact age my son started refusing to eat anything off a spoon which I think is really common.

Glad you got her to eat tonight.

Yes, in my experience that’s the standard and most commonly given advice. You have a responsibility to offer nutritious regular meals to your child. You don’t have the responsibility to make sure every meal time that if something is refused you find something else to feed them. OP’s baby is young but it’s common to see threads where parents are preparing three different meals every mealtime for a two child two parent family, because one will only eat a specific thing that the other won’t and so forth.

I love my toddler to the ends of the earth and back, but (unless and until he has a diagnosed problem with food) as long as he’s gaining as he should be and healthy I will continue to choose what to give him at mealtimes and respect him if he doesn’t fancy something. It’s easy to say she’s little so don’t worry about it, but it’s also the case that the way you approach things now set habits into place that you will likely either continue later on or have to do some work to undo.

OP clearly stated she’d be having milk before bed, she isn’t gonna be going to bed hungry in this scenario!

Exactly @WeatherSystems it’s the division of responsibility as you said, we decide the meal and they decide how much they eat- sometimes it’s lots and others not so much. It doesn’t help that as adults in the west we tend to have warped concepts of portions, particularly for children and the finish your plate mentality of our older generations.

Unfortunately so many comments on this thread crying neglect are counter productive and long term will cause more problems.

Yep. I'm not claiming to be an expert in food and kids, nor do I have any real experience barring one toddler who for all I know would be a good eater whatever I do (and might turn into a picky one later on regardless of my intentions!). But it seems like such an obvious concept, backed by so many dieticians. The health visitors in my area literally advise parents to take this approach and steer them away from the 'keep offering different things until they eat at least something' idea. It's pretty obvious how counterproductive that would end up being.

But yeah, OP's title didn't help. And this stuff isn't always intuitive. We're hardwired to want to see our children eat, for their survival. It's why it is so distressing when you have a new baby and haven't had your milk come in and they're screaming their heads off with hunger. Why parents sit there for hours trying all the tricks in the book to get their toddler to eat anything as long as it's a few calories. People letting their kids watch TV while eating or run around playing while eating in the hopes that they will take in a few bits while not really noticing because they're focused on something else.

I have to remind DH sometimes not to do the 'WOW, look! Yummy broccoli! Omg it looks like a tree, WOWZERS! Yummmmmmy!' thing haha. Broccoli, lentils, tofu, cupcakes, chocolate, oats, hemp, mushrooms, burgers, beans, soup, whatever it is gets placed down without any fanfare or emotional response. Happy to tell him what it is if he asks, but otherwise we chat about other things and enjoy one another's company and I respect that he will eat what he wants and needs to.

I can’t believe you are serious, that poor little girl. She is far too young to understand why you are refusing to feed her what she will eat.