To make him clean it up

[justawrinkleintime]

I probably was but it was pissing me off.

I have three sons and all have been trained that when you’re peeing you aim for the toilet and if you miss them you clean it up. I leave an antibac spray next to the loo and since the age of about 5ish they’ve been taught to spray the antibac and on their own mess and wipe it up. Tbh it stopped them making a mess pretty quickly.

Anyway, my DS9’s friend is over a lot and pisses all over the loo and often the floor as well. I put it down to being in a rush and wanting to get back to playing etc.

I’d cleaned the bathroom this morning and ds’s friend proceeded to piss all over the toilet seat and on the floor. Literally minutes after I’d cleaned it - he was the first one to use it post cleaning.

I took him in and gave him the antibac and told him to wipe it up and clean it himself. He’s also 9 as well btw.

I was nice about it and said we don’t leave the toilet in that state in this house when we use it.

He went home about 15 min ago and his mum messaged me to say she’s appalled I made him clean it.

I’ve responded politely to say “it’s a shame you’re upset but I’m not cleaning up urine of someone old enough to know how to use a toilet properly...”

I’ve been unreasonable, haven’t i?

It’s a yabu from me. I’m cringing at the thought of asking a guest to clean up.

I remember going to a friend’s house about the same age and not flushing the loo after a wee (something I was taught to do in my house). I was escorted to the bathroom and informed that it wasn’t the done thing in that house with some disapproving faces. It was really humiliating and I still remember it. If it were me a quiet word with the parent would be better.

My son who is 8 would dwell on this and it would upset him a lot. However, he sits to pee so he is conscious of making a mess and says ‘better to be safe than sorry’.

@MaBroon21

Op, I think I’d have cleaned it up and then before people were leaving I’d say something along the lines of kids, if you’re going to use the loo whilst here can you please make sure you clean up in spills after you - there’s spray and wipes beside the loo for when you need them.

This is how this should have been dealt with. The 9yr old guests Mum may not have taught her some very well how to aim, but I’d rather my child spent time at her house than OP’s gobby gloat fest. Where clearly belittling children is the norm.

CatsnCoffee She didn't "discipline" the child. Are you sure you're not his mother?

Cannot believe his mum texted you to complain!! Yanbu. Hopefully make him grow up a bit !!

I’m so confused by the people who think the OP was wrong. Has it changed so much from when I was a kid? I knew that as a kid my friends parents were going to set me straight if I didn’t follow house rules. Just like my friends knew when they were at mine they were expected to do the same.

I’d get corrected, yelled at(figuratively), and suffered same punishment at the hands of my friend’s parents just as they did with mine.

I can’t get my head around treating your child’s 9yo friend the same way as you would the venerable ladies visiting or great uncle Harold that truly is a guest and not a grubby kid that is just as clueless as your own kid.

This mother who was shocked and appalled is deflecting because her kid got called out for being gross.

When I was a kid in the 80s it was usual for adults to shout at kids, clip them round the ear, etc. I remember feeling confused, embarrassed and upset. I think our treatment of children has improved since then and I’d hope that my kids would be treated better than I was.

Everyone is a guest in my house regardless of age.

Well done OP. Your boys will make nice life partners / room mates for people one day. Hers is a troll!!

I'd be tempted to ask his mum at what age she intends to stop cleaning up his urine?

OP - you are amazing. Well handled.

To anyone suggesting that the OP embarassed the child, then i’m afraid you are putting how the child feels above their impact on others.

To anyone suggesting there may be a medical condition - then the OP still hasn’t overstepped the mark. The other parent needs to get it fixed, and the child to sit and pee when going, until it’s fixed. Anything else is unhygenic for everyone else affected.

@MrsKoala

When I was a kid in the 80s it was usual for adults to shout at kids, clip them round the ear, etc. I remember feeling confused, embarrassed and upset. I think our treatment of children has improved since then and I’d hope that my kids would be treated better than I was.

Everyone is a guest in my house regardless of age.

This is so true. I remember sitting in my friends living room all afternoon waiting for my Mum to pick me up because my friend had been sent to bed after a huge bollocking that left me petrified. I couldn’t even tell my Mum what it was all about - it was that effective.

I don’t think anyone is saying that it’s okay for 9yr old to leave the loo in a state, but it could have been handled far better than it was. Belittling a child is not big or clever, and reflects on the OPs shortcomings as a parent far more than it does the guest 9yr olds Mum.

@MrsKoala

When I was a kid in the 80s it was usual for adults to shout at kids, clip them round the ear, etc. I remember feeling confused, embarrassed and upset. I think our treatment of children has improved since then and I’d hope that my kids would be treated better than I was.

Everyone is a guest in my house regardless of age.

I don't get how guest = never saying something made you uncomfortable / is something they need to sort out rather than you / is preferred in your house.

If an adult left wee on your bathroom floor would you not say 'mate, can you sort the floor in there I think you missed something!' or would you really clean it up just because they are guest and you are host?

Belittling a child is not big or clever, and reflects on the OPs shortcomings as a parent far more than it does the guest 9yr olds Mum.

Shortcomings as a parent? What a horrible thing to say.

I think some of us read what the OP said as belittling and some don't.

I fall in the latter group, I think it sounds firm but fair. I also think in fairness to the other mum, she may have been told by her son that OP shouted / got angry etc when that wasn't the case, and be reacting to that rather than the topic of him leaving wee on the floor?

So it’s only the physical act of cleaning up your own piss that’s embarrassing? Not being told - however nicely - that it’s not nice to leave your wee for someone else to clean up. Even if the parent does that in front of the child a they’re leaving in front of their friend and mother @Thewarrenerswife? Coz I don’t know why you’ve made up this terrifying, belittling, bollocking experience for this poor hard done by kid who probably has a toileting issue (not bad enough for the mum to ever mention even after this event of course) when that’s about as far from what the OP said as you can get.

An adult who didn't leave the loo as clean as they found it would not be hauled in to clean up but neither would they be asked back. Simple.

Everyone is a guest in my house regardless of age

A guest is a guest. At what point do you stop a person from being disgusting, or rude, or stealing or anything else before they’re told to stop it or leave?

I just don’t understand this attitude or I’ll let basically anything slide because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who is taking advantage of my good nature!

If an adult left wee on your bathroom floor would you not say 'mate, can you sort the floor in there I think you missed something!' or would you really clean it up just because they are guest and you are host?

Yeah I’d clean it up. It’s just wee. I do ask my dad to sit down now as he pisses everywhere since he got old. I wouldn’t personally compare the mild irritation of wiping up a child’s wee with the embarrassment of being called to the toilet and chastised. I’d rather put my hand in a bucket of piss than the latter. In fact I’d rather do that than be the one calling the child to the toilet too. I’d be so embarrassed to do that as well. I’m painfully British about that kind of discomfort and the thought of making anyone feel embarrassed.

@MrsKoala

I’d rather put my hand in a bucket of piss than the latter. In fact I’d rather do that than be the one calling the child to the toilet too. I’d be so embarrassed to do that as well. I’m painfully British about that kind of discomfort and the thought of making anyone feel embarrassed.

I think that's a real shame though as sometimes it's healthier to sit with discomfort and risk the other person feeling embarrassment in order to set boundaries.

Otherwise the people who don't feel that discomfort (I'm not at all saying the boy in this situation as he is just a child) can weaponise it a bit and push others knowing they won't want to make things awkward so won't challenge them.

A guest is a guest. At what point do you stop a person from being disgusting, or rude, or stealing or anything else before they’re told to stop it or leave?

Again, I’d find the wee of a child a mild irritation compared to rudeness or stealing. They aren’t the same and saying I’d tolerate one doesn’t mean I’d tolerate another.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Belittling a child is not big or clever, and reflects on the OPs shortcomings as a parent far more than it does the guest 9yr olds Mum.

Shortcomings as a parent? What a horrible thing to say.

I think some of us read what the OP said as belittling and some don't.

I fall in the latter group, I think it sounds firm but fair. I also think in fairness to the other mum, she may have been told by her son that OP shouted / got angry etc when that wasn't the case, and be reacting to that rather than the topic of him leaving wee on the floor?

So let me get this right….

It’s alright for OP to call out the other child’s mother for being an inept parent in not teaching her son to aim. It’s also okay for her to call him into the loo, berate belittle and insist he clean it.

However, calling into question OP’s parenting is apparently the ‘horrible’ angle in all this.

OK 👌🏻

It’s also okay for her to call him into the loo, berate belittle and insist he clean it.

I think that's where people's opinions differ on this as some people read it as berating and belittling while others read it as firm but fair. She said she was nice about it, it felt breezy and not overly dramatic to me, with no anger just matter of fact.

So calling it berating and belittling sounds to me like a pretty hyperbolic version of OP's actual description but I completely appreciate that to others it won't, obviously. That's where the difference lies I think.

And I agree. All this over a bit of kid pee. A 9yr old misses the bowl… Let’s teach him a lesson he’ll never forget!!

What OP has probably done, is got herself branded as X’s psycho Mum. If you go around to X’s house, make sure you take the anti bac… she checks the bowl after you’ve been. If my kid came home and told me about a parent that had done this, I’d think they were beyond weird.

Listening to the baying crowd here, you'd think this kid had deliberately and maliciously sprayed the whole bathroom.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It’s also okay for her to call him into the loo, berate belittle and insist he clean it.

I think that's where people's opinions differ on this as some people read it as berating and belittling while others read it as firm but fair. She said she was nice about it, it felt breezy and not overly dramatic to me, with no anger just matter of fact.

So calling it berating and belittling sounds to me like a pretty hyperbolic version of OP's actual description but I completely appreciate that to others it won't, obviously. That's where the difference lies I think.

OP said she called him into the loo. Gave him the cleaning stuff and told him to clean his pee up, as we don’t leave the loo in this state in our house. There isn’t a nice way to do that to someone else’s child, and if you look up the definitions of the words belittle, and berate you’ll see they fit.

@MrsKoala

A guest is a guest. At what point do you stop a person from being disgusting, or rude, or stealing or anything else before they’re told to stop it or leave?

Again, I’d find the wee of a child a mild irritation compared to rudeness or stealing. They aren’t the same and saying I’d tolerate one doesn’t mean I’d tolerate another.

Ok, so say your adult guest, a fully functioning grown adult, not drunk, not disabled, just lazy - pissed on the floor?

@Thewarrenerswife

I think some of us genuinely don't think they do fit the situation. These are the verbatim dictionary definitions.

Berate: scold or criticize (someone) angrily.

Belittle: dismiss (someone or something) as unimportant.

But again, as I've said people's readings of the OP's first post can differ of course.

I would have called them all in and pretended I didn’t know who had done it and reiterated that whoever makes a mess cleans it up. I would have then cleaned it myself.
That way he’s should get the message without you singling him out. if he did it again I’d just say whoever last used them toilet please can you clean up.

I would have also told his mother it’s just your house rules and you had cleaned it up the first couple of times.

If she still had issue then I would have been less polite.

Alternatively… outside toilet 😁