To make him clean it up

[justawrinkleintime]

I probably was but it was pissing me off.

I have three sons and all have been trained that when you’re peeing you aim for the toilet and if you miss them you clean it up. I leave an antibac spray next to the loo and since the age of about 5ish they’ve been taught to spray the antibac and on their own mess and wipe it up. Tbh it stopped them making a mess pretty quickly.

Anyway, my DS9’s friend is over a lot and pisses all over the loo and often the floor as well. I put it down to being in a rush and wanting to get back to playing etc.

I’d cleaned the bathroom this morning and ds’s friend proceeded to piss all over the toilet seat and on the floor. Literally minutes after I’d cleaned it - he was the first one to use it post cleaning.

I took him in and gave him the antibac and told him to wipe it up and clean it himself. He’s also 9 as well btw.

I was nice about it and said we don’t leave the toilet in that state in this house when we use it.

He went home about 15 min ago and his mum messaged me to say she’s appalled I made him clean it.

I’ve responded politely to say “it’s a shame you’re upset but I’m not cleaning up urine of someone old enough to know how to use a toilet properly...”

I’ve been unreasonable, haven’t i?

Good for you don't bother having him round again!

YANBU and also I'm relieved to read a MN thread where someone actually spoke directly and sorted something out, rather than saying nothing because they "hate confrontation" and then asking here for advice on how to passive-aggressively deal with it.

I’m going to cringe writing this (because I hate the saying) but ‘it takes a village’ and you are part of his village. Sometimes a child just doesn’t get the message when their parents say it but when someone outside the family says it, they get it.
I don’t think you humiliated the kid. Embarrassed maybe but embarrassment never hurt anyone. He won’t do it again at your house. And hopefully will think twice about leaving a toilet in a condition less than how he found it, anywhere again.

I think the only thing I would have done differently is to have mentioned it to the mum before the kid did. So that you were able yo explain and head off any awkwardness…. You don’t know how the kid explained it. And I find 9yr olds exaggerate and are kind of skilled at making themselves sound like a victim… ‘she asked me to clean it up and I hadn’t peed everywhere I don’t know why she did that’

It makes me sad that we think these days that other adults cannot speak to our children in anyway that might be uncomfortable. What’s so bad with a child feeling uncomfortable. It’s not humiliating to be asked to clear up your mess. Whatever it is.

I live far away from my family and oldest friends and husband works away a lot and all the women I know with kids live a similar type of life and my bunch of friends pretty much all accept the village mentality when raising a kid. Yesterday I told my friend’s son n no uncertain terms that he was to go out and get the scooter he left lying in the middle of the road to get driven over in the next 30s because that’s not how we treat other peoples belongings and I was appalled he wasn’t doing what I was asking him immediately and that I had had to ask him a second time. His mum was in the garden dealing with something else and when I came in with son and scooter she turned to him and said ‘if I ever hear you refuse to do something whatamess tells you again you’ll be in trouble. This is house and you abide by her rules.’
I got a ‘sorry whatamess…. Next time I’ll listen’
Done. Finished. No awkwardness. Between me and her or me and him. He got it. He is 7. He isn’t humiliated and he won’t do it again. And neither will he die of embarrassment.

And I’m so filling a bottle with antibac cleaner tonight and installing it in my loo… and new rules will be explained tomorrow and start immediately!!!

@JackieTheFart your response is bang on, I found m self nodding thinking, yeah maybe it is a bit harsh to embarrass the child, but then you came in with your so well put comment 👏🏼 Absolutely bang on! I also think we shouldn’t shield children from things like; embarrassment, loosing, sadness, jealousy etc, they’re normal emotions that the child also needs to learn to deal with properly.

To the original comment, it’s definitely not cruel to explain to the child how inappropriate it is to piss all over somebody else’s house. And it seems OP has educated the poor boy about toilet etiquette

If any of my kids came home from someone else's house saying they'd been asked to clean up their own piss from either the seat or the floor? No way id send that message to you op! I'd be embarrassed that my kid pissed all over your seat/floor and I'd tell them as much.

@vivainsomnia

Asking him to clean is one thing, the way it sounds you've asked him isn't. He isn't your kid and it must have been very humiliating for him.

You didn't need to state 'in this house ....'. you could have just say that you'd noticed he'd left some urine and that you sure he clears it up at home and handed him wipes to clear up.

Personally I wouldn't have said anything. It's not his fault his parents don't make him clean. Clearing up after your kids friends is part of the invite.

It's her house, her rules. If the other mum isn't happy about it he will continue to do it and before long, won't be invited anywhere.
Might not be her kid, but she's an adult and he's a child who needs to learn .

I genuinely have no idea why the hell we teach boys to stand up to pee! I think women need to club together and make the next generation sit down! So sick of getting a wet leg if I need a wee in the night! Well done OP, I wish I had the kahunas to tell my son's friend to clean up, he waters the floor etc too!

I love it! I would have done the same. My husband taught my son to sit down. When he started school, he said everyone stands up at school and that is what he does. I explained that he sits at home or he will have to clean the toilet. He chose to sit down. I don't understand any parent that does not teach their children to clean up after themselves. All the children visiting know that they fall rules of the house. Good for you and maybe you have set something in motion for another family to train their child.

I've done the same OP but always told the parent when they came to pick him up. It was always the one kid, piss everywhere, not washing hands and sometimes not pulling the chain. I cleaned it first few times, explained that if it continued, he'd have to clean it up. Literally cleaned up once and never did it again.

OP As the mother of 4 boys I salute you and I make mine clean it up after themselves too! What the boys DM should be saying to you is " I'm sorry my DS made a mess and I'm glad you made him clean it up" because that's what I would have replied with!

@MagicSummer

I went into my DH's bathroom today and was appalled. Not only were the lid and seat up, but there was urine all over the seat, the bowl was filthy, and there was some kind of dark dripping all over the pedestal. I don't use or clean his bathroom normally so was quite disgusted. What is the matter with males - do they have no thought about the females of the house not wanting to sit/see urine on the loo?

Please tell me you didn't clean that up?!

Am on your side.

She must be cleaning up a lot of piss in her house. Poor woman! But you'd think she'd be grateful that someone was teaching her son...

@MagicSummer

I went into my DH's bathroom today and was appalled. Not only were the lid and seat up, but there was urine all over the seat, the bowl was filthy, and there was some kind of dark dripping all over the pedestal. I don't use or clean his bathroom normally so was quite disgusted. What is the matter with males - do they have no thought about the females of the house not wanting to sit/see urine on the loo?

🤮🤮🤮🤮. Didn't your attraction for him die on the spot?

To al those who are saying "it might upset the child" it sounds like he is growing into an entitled little "Prince" to even leave the toilet in that state. So to be pulled up sharply in his toileting manners will do him the world of good. Obviously his own parents are teaching him poor habits and hygiene. At that point I would have rung his mother to collect him immediately and given HER the cleaning materials when she arrived.

My EXDP's DS (aged 4-11 the years I was with him) used to do this. EXDP would either say i was making a fuss over nothing, or he'd clean it up himself if I was being particularly 'moany' about it. I had to ask EXDP to deal with it as he cried when I once asked him to clean up after himself.

All the while I'd be thinking parents like EXDP are the reason men's toilets always stink; they can't be bothered teaching their DS's how to aim properly!

Thank goodness he is EXDP.

@MagicSummer

I went into my DH's bathroom today and was appalled. Not only were the lid and seat up, but there was urine all over the seat, the bowl was filthy, and there was some kind of dark dripping all over the pedestal. I don't use or clean his bathroom normally so was quite disgusted. What is the matter with males - do they have no thought about the females of the house not wanting to sit/see urine on the loo?

My DH sits for a wee and bathroom cleaning is his duty. He doesn’t ever leave it dirty thankfully.

@jackiethefart. Yep cruel and unnecessary. Kids make mess. You can absolutely DISCREETLY encourage them to clean it up. But I can't think of anything worse then your mates Mum showing you a bit of wee you accidentally didn't aim well. So odd

You never know what goes on other people's houses.. I had a neighbour a few years ago had a son who was also 9 and i thought a mature 9 at that. Till one evening she said she was really stuck and asked could i keep an eye on him as shed been called into work. I replied sure no problem at all. Shed only just left when he called my name and asked to come to come and wipe his bum as his mum always did it for a #2 i point blank refused.

@2021DNA

Happy to draw a loo diagram

[quote LovelyIssues]@jackiethefart. Yep cruel and unnecessary. Kids make mess. You can absolutely DISCREETLY encourage them to clean it up. But I can't think of anything worse then your mates Mum showing you a bit of wee you accidentally didn't aim well. So odd[/quote]
Well yeah, it is embarrassing . Not sure why you assume OP was not discreet?

How does this child learn that peeing all over the floor is not acceptable behaviour if his parents don’t tell him and no one else is allowed to address his behaviour?

How do we grow functioning adults if they are shielded from any and all embarrassment of their own making during their formative years?

I honestly don’t get your thinking that this is cruel and unnecessary and so embarrassing you can’t think of anything worse. Like, I dunno, it never being addressed and a girl you like telling all your mates you pissed all over the toilet seat when you went to her house, as an example off the top of my head.

Also - not sure if you missed it but this isn’t even the first time this child has done this. So OP has let it slide before in the hopes that it wouldn’t happen again - this is clearly a habit not an error in aim.

Nope not at all! Not your job to clean a 9 year olds piss unless it's your own child's or a child who is known to have issues.
My son has been capable of cleaning the toilet after himself and has been doing since the age of 6! I sure as hell wouldn't be cleaning it at 9! Heck, I won't even scrub the toilet after he's been for a dump now (he's 8) he knows how to do it and to ensure to wash his hands properly.

@Tessabelle74

I genuinely have no idea why the hell we teach boys to stand up to pee! I think women need to club together and make the next generation sit down! So sick of getting a wet leg if I need a wee in the night! Well done OP, I wish I had the kahunas to tell my son's friend to clean up, he waters the floor etc too!

Mine started off sitting until they could pee without making a mess standing up. Worked.

There are many children of 9 and older who have toileting issues. As frustrating as you find it, your insensitive behaviour towards that poor boy could have caused him acute embarrassment and lead to self-doubt. Those applauding you sound equally merciless. If he’d been my child I would have complained to you too.
When you have children, wiping up your own children’s pee (and other bodily fluids) is an unavoidable necessity. Wiping up another child’s on play dates is an unwelcome, but rare circumstance but you put on the rubber gloves, inwardly grimace and get on with it. It’s not your job to discipline a child for what may be the result of an emotional or physical problem.
Anyway, I doubt he’ll be allowed to your house again.

You are not being unreasonable but I’m not sure what you achieve. Personally I don’t find 9 year old’s wee overly offensive so a quick wipe up wouldn’t be too onerous. However this child found it harsh, it might have been misconstrued by his mother and could become the subject of gossip ( again misconstrued) amongst parents. Personally, I don’t feel educating other peoples’ children is my job. The child would have benefited from your telling off and he is unlikely to do that again but maybe at a cost to you.